ludovico Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 So, I've been single for 20 months and strict N/C for 10 months... Some days are better than others... Feelings are still there but they are slowly dwindling away... As far as I know, she's with someone else now and she dumped me twice during the course of our relationship with a very messy breakup the last time, so I know there is no way we will be getting back together... But here's the catch... I've always wanted to be the relationship guy. When I met my ex, I was 24, had very little dating and relationship experience, and decided that because I wasn't in a relationship, I should just be like every other guy at that age and "sow my wild oats". Well, I fell hard for her, and that put a quick end to my oat sowing plans Now I'm single, still young at 31, but I have no desire to sow those oats anymore. It's almost like I have been alone for so long that the idea of going out and getting laid strictly for those purposes, seems pathetic now. I even went out on a date last week but I didn't feel there was any long-term chemistry and I let her know that. She was fine with that and inquired if I would be interested in casual sex but I didn't even want to do that! Is that normal? I always felt like a bit of oat sowing is healthy for sexual maturation, but now that I can do it, I'm not doing it. What the fuzz?! And not to toot my own horn, but I have had offers like this from other women in the past 20 months and declined them all. Is there something wrong with me? The other day my sister asked me if I was going to keep on living alone and I really had no clue how to answer that. The simple fact is I really do not feel compelled to be in a relationship, as I have done so much work to build up my confidence and self-esteem that I feel getting into a relationship at this point will break me down very quickly, as I fall very hard when I fall for a woman. It's like I can't afford to be weak or vulnerable. And on the flipside, the idea of hooking up for casual sex just seems empty and pointless if it is with someone I feel there is little or no chemistry with. And if there was chemistry, I would probably end up falling for them. Has anyone else experienced something like this? Link to post Share on other sites
NordicStripes Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 There's nothing wrong with you. When it comes to your views on sex and relationships, you are perfect. To me at least :-) I always wondered if there would be other people who had the same views on this as I do, as I don't seem to come across them... Some people say they do, but then they act differently. I feel sex should be something that you reserve for someone you care about and want a relationship with. It's a very intimate thing, and I don't feel one should open their legs for just anyone. I wouldn't. My ex slept with someone else only a couple of days after the relationship ended. I have thought of doing the same thing to get back at him, because he wants me back now. But then I think: I don't need to lower my standards because of someone like him. Me NOT doing that, makes me a better person. I think. Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 The simple fact is I really do not feel compelled to be in a relationship, as I have done so much work to build up my confidence and self-esteem that I feel getting into a relationship at this point will break me down very quickly, as I fall very hard when I fall for a woman. It's like I can't afford to be weak or vulnerable. And on the flipside, the idea of hooking up for casual sex just seems empty and pointless if it is with someone I feel there is little or no chemistry with. And if there was chemistry, I would probably end up falling for them. Has anyone else experienced something like this? i am totally in the same boat as you are. it's been six months for me. and i've tried a few times to set up an online dating acct. but each time i go to fill out the form, i feel a knot in my stomach and i stop. sure i have needs but i don't want to satisfy them with some random guy. i need an emotional connection and to build trust with that person and that takes time. i have a tendency to fall for someone easily as well. no matter how cautious or skeptical i try to be. i've worked on my self-esteem a great deal and while i feel much better about myself than well - - ever; i still have a ways to go before i'll feel comfortable dealing with the ups and downs of a relationship. so yes, to answer your question, it's completely normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ludovico Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 I feel sex should be something that you reserve for someone you care about and want a relationship with. It's a very intimate thing, and I don't feel one should open their legs for just anyone. I wouldn't. My ex slept with someone else only a couple of days after the relationship ended. I have thought of doing the same thing to get back at him, because he wants me back now. But then I think: I don't need to lower my standards because of someone like him. Me NOT doing that, makes me a better person. I think. thanks for your input NordicStripes... i just feel odd because i know so many people that easily go bed hopping from relationship to relationship so I figure I must have some sort of issue that I can't do the same - but I guess they have the issue! and good for you for not hooking up out of spite - it does make you a better person! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ludovico Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 i am totally in the same boat as you are. it's been six months for me. and i've tried a few times to set up an online dating acct. but each time i go to fill out the form, i feel a knot in my stomach and i stop. sure i have needs but i don't want to satisfy them with some random guy. i need an emotional connection and to build trust with that person and that takes time. i have a tendency to fall for someone easily as well. no matter how cautious or skeptical i try to be. i've worked on my self-esteem a great deal and while i feel much better about myself than well - - ever; i still have a ways to go before i'll feel comfortable dealing with the ups and downs of a relationship. so yes, to answer your question, it's completely normal. good to know I'm not alone - thanks very much radiodarcy! Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 solidarity, my friend that's what i love about this site. it helped me realize that i'm not alone in how i'm feeling. all good, we'll get ourselves back out there when we're ready. i too have had family and friends suggest i start dating again (the ex even suggested i do that when he dumped me!) the fact that we're having doubts about getting back out there - - doubts that are based on legitimate reasons means that well - - we may not be ready. although right after i got dumped i was tempted to go out and meet someone because i knew the ex was doing the same. but then i reminded myself that this isn't a race. everyone heals at their own pace. and that's just fine! Link to post Share on other sites
Karala Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Don't know if I can anwer your questions, but I can give you my number, lol ^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Buttercup84 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Don't know if I can anwer your questions, but I can give you my number, lol ^^ Haha was going to say the same Link to post Share on other sites
omkara Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) The simple fact is I really do not feel compelled to be in a relationship, as I have done so much work to build up my confidence and self-esteem that I feel getting into a relationship at this point will break me down very quickly, as I fall very hard when I fall for a woman. Don't fall for a woman, stand for her, and she'll surely do the same. Edited September 12, 2011 by omkara Link to post Share on other sites
Author ludovico Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 Don't fall for a woman, stand for her, and she'll surely do the same. good one Link to post Share on other sites
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