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How do you deal with the lack of physical intimacy?


Karala

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I'm surprised this topic doesn't come up more often. For me, one of the worst things about breaking up is knowing that I'll be deprived of intimacy, physical affection, cuddling etc. and yeah, sex, for who knows how many months or years, because I don't do casual sex at all, ever, and I'm pretty picky about relationships, and it could be a very long while before I'm in one again, if ever.

 

Then what drives me totally insane is hearing people tell you that it's great to be single again because you have all that *freedom* now. Freedom to f*** around? Sorry, not interested. I've been looking for the past 6 months, but I still don't get it what's so great about "being free again". I know it's good that my ex and I split, but I just hate being single, not having anyone to kiss me, hug me and give me back rubs, and knowing that this is probably going to be so for a long time.

 

Funny, I'm starting to feel over my breakup, but it's like now a new layer of crappy is revealing itself to me, aka the fact that even though I'm out of a relationship that sucked, I'm now in a new reality that sucks too, being single.

 

This is actually more of a rant about singlehood, than anything to do with my ex or the breakup. I guess you could call it progress, lol ^^

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I know what you mean ! I never do casual either . I enjoy being single at the moment , but miss my ex . I miss how affectionate he was at first . Just holding hands and sharing a bed . What if it takes years ?? I dont want to be with just anyone . I go to the gym five days a week to let out any frustration :p

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I enjoy being single at the moment , but miss my ex .

 

I don't miss my ex... much. I miss some of the good times but I don't miss the reality of what our relationship was (ie. chaotic and painful most of the time)

 

But please tell me... What is there to enjoy about being single? I mean, not the good stuff "by default" (not being in a crappy relationship, not feeling that you're compromising on your dreams, not feeling insecure and let down all of the time)... What's good about it, per se?

 

Sharing a bed is definitely one of the things I miss most. Cuddling up in bed and watching House lol ^^ And also, having a chance from time to time to sleep alone and really enjoy it, take up all the space, read till you drop... Not so fun now that I can do it every night. :/

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This is kinda spooky cause I was just about to post a thread about this! So may as well rant here.

 

Been really low tonight cause it's the time of year where my parents go on holiday for 2 weeks for their wedding anniversary. Every year my girlfriend would come and stay with me and this is the first time in 4 years she hasn't and I miss her like hell.

 

I'm on my own cause my sister is staying with her best friend, the weather here is starting to turn crap and all I want is to cuddle up with her either on the couch or in bed. I went shopping earlier on, I missed her doing that with me. Got home and cooked myself a meal and wished she was hanging around the kitchen having a giggle like we used to. And sometimes I just cannot get the thought of us having a night of amazing sex out of my head and it drives me nuts!

 

Sucky part is I tried keeping my mind off it but not a single one of my bloody friends will answer their phone!

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But please tell me... What is there to enjoy about being single? I mean, not the good stuff "by default" (not being in a crappy relationship, not feeling that you're compromising on your dreams, not feeling insecure and let down all of the time)... What's good about it, per se?
aren't those good enough reasons? :laugh:
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I think many of us miss that post breakup. I cant lie- sex with my most recent ex was the best I had ever had, so I'd be lying if I didnt still crave it hah. I do find that I am lonely- sometimes I think I confuse that for actually missing him :mad: . I mean, I guess we have no choice, unless we hop into a new relationship/have casual sex...think of it this way, no one ever died from going awhile without that stuff hah, but it is human nature to crave it, esp when we had it, were used to it, than lost it.

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yeah this is the hard thing to deal with. i am a guy and even i dont like to do what 90% of my guy mates do "go out and pull random people and then maybe sleep with them"

 

 

ive done it once or twice but it wasnt enjoyable after. obviously it was exciting. but its not as good as being with some one, and knowing they care about u and you have sex because you both want to with each other and no one else.

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PositiveNegative

I've never had casual sex. I doubt that I ever will. I do miss just that physical touch and comfort that only a significant other can give. I miss waking up in the morning and smelling my ex before I even opened my eyes, then proceeding to kiss her while she was asleep. I have never had a night with an ex where I restlessly stayed awake.

 

"And also, having a chance from time to time to sleep alone and really enjoy it, take up all the space, read till you drop... Not so fun now that I can do it every night."

 

Soooo true. I am living in a single apartment right now. I was looking forward to having my ex here a lot but also having the whole place to myself when she wasn't here. Now, I always have the whole place to myself :( Funny how when a fun option becomes permanent it's no longer fun.

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I miss cuddling, I miss morning sex, I miss making breakfast and watching movies all day in our pajamas, I miss so much... I REALLY dislike being single. But, I am also so emotionally drained that I enjoy knowing that there is going to be no relationship drama today, or tomorrow, or next week, because there is not relationship. I will sleep well tonight, probably dream of the ex again, wake up and shake that feeling off and go about my day. It's somewhat peaceful.

 

Since I do want to move on and be happy, I am not sure how long this mentality will be healthy, but I am giving it 3 more months just as a goal. I'll reassess then.

 

I deal with it through staying busy, including a lot of exercise. I drink sometimes too, but to relax, not to get really intoxicated.

Edited by ScienceGal
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lovesickmonkey

I think now that I'm older I miss sex with someone I'm in love with more than sex for sex's sake. I've had casual sex throughout my 20s and 30s and, yeah, it's great but I don't find myself missing that. I think I agree with Karala: I don't enjoy being single any more. It has gotten very old.

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Sometimes I honestly miss the lack of intimacy more than I miss my ex as a person. Our sex life was the one thing I never worried about. Every frustration we couldn't communicate through words seemed to dissolve away when we were alone together. He feared vulnerability so much; it was the only time he would be completely open with me. As soon as we were around anyone else, he became a different person, and that's a big reason why part of me still clings tightly to the memories of our physical intimacy and wants all of that back. Sex and the time alone afterwards to fall asleep or watch TV together were some of our best moments, and looking back now, I see how the rest of our relationship outside of that was always at least a little bit strained. I used to think the great sex made up for all of my anxiety about us, but it didn't, and in the end I chose to leave. Whenever I feel regret and want him back in my bed, I remind myself that this was my decision and that many good things have come of it, and that I need to let it go and move on. There WILL be someone else, there WILL be great sex, there WILL be that intimacy with someone I love. It just takes time.

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i'm actually pretty happy with being single. i don't miss the head games or the push/pull; or the anxiety over is he with someone else.goodness - - it sounds like i still have quite a few insecurities to work out :o

 

but i don't mind taking my time in doing so. i more of a loner/introvert anyway. that being said, i don't like casual sex either. and i have neither the energy nor desire to put the effort into looking for a serious relationship. as for the lack of sex - - as Nohbody said, i too have methods! lol :bunny:

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I go out and pursue it. I am a guy. Guy's chase. It serves two purposes. #1 It helps regain confidence #2 Guys need physical security. By getting #2 #1 increases.

 

Can I live without it, obviously. Has it gotten me into trouble? Countless times, you just don't make the same mistakes again. Just refocus the moral compass and engage.

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