The need to change?

[Trolly]

After my last relationship came to an end I decided that while I wasn't singularly to blame for its demise it was clear that I have personal issues that need to be revolved in order to shape and ideal relationship for the future.

 

As a result i started seeing a counselor weekly, I have and am currently reading different self help and spirituality books, have become an active member of this forum, I meditate and have created a blog which i have made available to pretty much everyone in my life (from strangers to friends and family) in which at times I chronicle very painful moments or lingering insecurities.

 

As a result i'm shocked at how often I speak to people in my personal life or read peoples thoughts online who can admit to inadequacies similar or worse than mine in which they break stuff out of anger, bear grudges internally until they blow up or get mean spirited and demoralizing in arguments and yet care not to change that behavior. Their attitude is "yeah, i know my behavior is wrong, but you can love me or leave me".

 

What do you folks think of this?

[Trolly]

BTW, I wouldn't be so confused by this rational if i hadn't seen some of these people go through incredibly painful break ups in which they didn't seem very much at ease with "letting the chips fall where they will"

[Badenov]

This is a great question for this forum!!

 

I've also recently had some relationships--a marriage & a few friendships--end where I had to ask myself: "What's wrong with me?" I am also doing all the things you mentioned above, seeing what works for me & what doesn't. As much as it hurts, I find the pain to be the personal motivation I needed to self-examine & improve.

 

I think that's what it comes down to--How do you deal with it? Most people (including my ex-wife & friends) want to put the blame on others & say "There's nothing wrong with me." Admitting you need to change is a blow to the ego because you have to admit you've been doing something wrong. Age also plays a part: Too young & you haven't had enough reprecussions for your behavior, too old & you figure there's no point changing now.

 

The bottom line is how you feel about yourself. Ego plays a big part. We all get defensive when someone tells us what's wrong with us. If we know there's some truth to it, we're tempted to run away from it & use whatever mechnism (denial, anger, blame, etc) to protect our egos. When the pain adds up because we go through the same crap over & over, we finally get tired of running.

 

But when we change, we have to do it for ourselves & not to please someone else. We can look at others' critiscism & ask ourselves "Do they have a point?" but if we truly don't think so then any change is just going through the motions.

 

I once heard that self-esteem is the building & ego is the security guard. When the building is in ruins there's no point guarding it. So I ask "Am I happy for who I am? Can I be a better person? Do I need to improve?" When we accept this & take action, we find our self-esteem rises & our egos no longer need to over-compensate.

 

So as far as other people go, you can only assume they haven't reached that point yet. Maybe they never will. Their egos will stand guard over a pile a rubble telling everyone else to back off. If you can't get past their guard, you can't help them rebuild.

 

I'm interested in hearing how it goes with you. Keep this thread going.