I just cannot decide

[CrazyMom]

I hope this doesn't get too long, I'll do my best to make it as short as possible.

 

My husband and I have been married for a little over two years and have one child.

 

Ever since our son was born things have been different, we agree on that. I have been content living this life as if nothing is wrong. I'm a stay at home mom, which has always been my dream job. Looking at my life, it seems perfect.

 

Then, recently, I met someone else. Just a random guy, but whoa have I fell hard for him, and fast. We talked for a few weeks, and did kiss. However, he felt too guilty that I was married so we're no longer talking. Needless to say, I'm heartbroken.

 

I feel things for this man that I haven't felt in so long, and it's making it so obvious to me that I'm NOT feeling these things for my husband. I hardly want him to touch me these days, and I definitely don't want to have sex, but that's nothing new. I don't want to talk about or even think about the future because I'm just so unsure.

 

I told my husband that I just don't feel the same way. He wants to work on things but I'm not sure there's hope. I just don't feel it. I've emotionally left this marriage.

 

I just don't know if the pain of divorce and having to split time with my son is worth the pain. I feel like I have to choose the pain of living in this empty marriage, or the pain of not seeing my son all the time. Which pain is more worth it?

 

I realize all relationship are passionate at the beginning and then die down. But I'm 26 years old, I want to have some passion for my husband. I have none. I feel like we're different people and we just don't have a lot of common interests. We have a similar vision for the future, so that's something. But really, I want emotions and feelings. I want desire and sparks. It's just not here.

 

Any thoughts and/or advice is appreciated. I'm so confused.

[whichwayisup]

Get to your Dr and get your hormone levels checked. Maybe you were or are suffering from PPD, since you say everything changed once your child was born.

 

You can't just throw away your marriage without trying. You both owe it to your child to give it your best and see if that love and passion comes back. If it doesn't, atleast you two will know you gave it your best before walking away.

 

As for the OM, do nothing. He is someone who woke up feelings inside of you that you haven't felt in a long time but that doesn't mean you love him, jump ship and dump what you have now and start over. You don't KNOW that OM and he doesn't know you.. Though, you DO know your husband and he knows you!

 

So, why not get a baby sitter, or ask the grandparents to baby sit so you and your H can go on a date night and have some alone time, talk and even have some fun. Keep the evening light and easy. no pressure.

[andyg99]

your husband wants to work on the marriage, why won't you give it a shot..

 

passion - sure you can have a different guy every 6 months for the rest of your life and passion won't be a problem, do you want that? or do you want true passion? that's the passion you feel with the person you made a commitment to; to stick through the tough times... these are the tough times, you shouldn't give up...

[Craig2425]

You're never gonna feel anything for your husband while you're off with other men. Period. The reason you think you can't love your husband anymore is because you're in the honeymoon phase and everyhinh seems perfect.

You should have talked to your husband and work on you guys instead of talking to random guys.

 

You probably are saying all sorts of things like we don't have things in common and stuff like that but that's probably because of this other guy. All these thoughts are more then likely due to you talking to this guy. It's called affair fog.

 

You say your life is good otherwise? You have common life goals? Just because you font have everyhing in common doesn't mean you shouldn't be together.

I'd be willing to say that if you go with this other guyand get divorced you'll be sorry you did and your ex husband wont take you back and you'll regret it

 

You better stop talking to this other guy and other guy and try and get help with your husband.

You must of had some passion in the beginning. If you say no you didn't you're lying. That's also because of the fog. No one stays with someone they don't love and marries them.

 

Better think real hard about what you're doing.

Edited September 13, 2011 by Craig2425

[Craig2425]

Also you should tell your husband you cheated on him.

[MoreRedemption]

Also you should tell your husband you cheated on him.

 

What good will that do their relationship?

[Craig2425]

She cheated. It's up to her husband what he wants to do.

 

You think she should just keep it as a lie?

[Saul Goodman]

While her H is trying to work on the marriage she is off with other men and cheating. He has a right to know because after all this is his life too and he should be able to decide if he wants to stay with her

 

You are 100% correct. He has the right to know.

 

But that doesn't mean that she is going to tell him. Although, she may decide to.

 

Some people would prefer to stick their head in the sand. Some people want to see the brutal truth.

 

I'll presume that her husband is the kind of man that wants the brutal truth. If she doesn't tell, it's because her needs outweigh his.

 

Get to your Dr and get your hormone levels checked. Maybe you were or are suffering from PPD, since you say everything changed once your child was born.

Yes. That's very common. Get yourself checked out.

[CrazyMom]

I'm about 95% sure that I cannot tell my husband about this. I wouldn't have a decision to make, I know the marriage would be over.

 

I'm no longer talking to the other man. And when I say he was a random guy, I meant that he's not someone I've known for a long time. My husband and I recently bought a vehicle and the OM is actually the man that sold it to us. I went through most of the process by myself, so spent a few hours with him. After that I couldn't get him out of my head and started pursuing him. We talked a lot and saw each other a couple times over a span of about a month. But the OM's ex-wife left him for another man she was cheating with, so he refuses to be "that guy" and we're no longer talking.

 

I feel like saying the good ol' classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you." I feel like my husband and I are only roommates and that we would no longer be together if we didn't have a child, and told him these things a year ago, long before there was another man involved.

 

I fear that in ten years from now we'll split and I'll feel like I wasted so much of my life in this empty marriage. Not to mention, there would be almost no hope of pursuing this other guy after 10 years. I realize I hardly know him, but there's just something there. I've never felt so strongly about someone that I hardly know. I know...not very logical, honeymoon phase, etc.

 

I do plan on going to IC soon. We recently switched insurance and didn't have any coverage for a month or so, so I had to wait. But will definitely pursue that.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm about 95% sure that I cannot tell my husband about this. I wouldn't have a decision to make, I know the marriage would be over.

 

Given everything you say in the rest of your post, what's the problem with getting a divorce? Why is that a bad thing?

[Craig2425]

You feel this way because of the other man.

You probably told your husband a year ago that things weren't good but didn't make to big a deal about it. Then you stopped and he thought oh good things are better. Meanwhile you were pushing yourself away not saying anything to him. You were being hurt more and more everyday and your husband didn't know then you meet a guy who listens to you and you think oh my god I've never felt this way. Then you think that you can never feel for your husband and start to block out all the good memories you had.

Read any stories about cheating and you'll see the same thing everytime.

 

Your husband probably didn't know things were so bad and that's why now that you've said they are he wants to work on it.

 

You need to get this other guy out of your head now. He's a random guy who's got nothing on your husband. You've know him for years and have a kid with him.

The quicker you get this guy out of your head the better. You're only feeling stuff won't work with your husband because of other guy.

 

 

I'm about 95% sure that I cannot tell my husband about this. I wouldn't have a decision to make, I know the marriage would be over.

 

I'm no longer talking to the other man. And when I say he was a random guy, I meant that he's not someone I've known for a long time. My husband and I recently bought a vehicle and the OM is actually the man that sold it to us. I went through most of the process by myself, so spent a few hours with him. After that I couldn't get him out of my head and started pursuing him. We talked a lot and saw each other a couple times over a span of about a month. But the OM's ex-wife left him for another man she was cheating with, so he refuses to be "that guy" and we're no longer talking.

 

I feel like saying the good ol' classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you." I feel like my husband and I are only roommates and that we would no longer be together if we didn't have a child, and told him these things a year ago, long before there was another man involved.

 

I fear that in ten years from now we'll split and I'll feel like I wasted so much of my life in this empty marriage. Not to mention, there would be almost no hope of pursuing this other guy after 10 years. I realize I hardly know him, but there's just something there. I've never felt so strongly about someone that I hardly know. I know...not very logical, honeymoon phase, etc.

 

I do plan on going to IC soon. We recently switched insurance and didn't have any coverage for a month or so, so I had to wait. But will definitely pursue that.

[Saul Goodman]

I wouldn't have a decision to make, I know the marriage would be over.

Is that such a bad thing?

 

The end of a relationship doesn't have to be the end of the world. Yes, divorce is hard but a lot people go through it and make it through the other end without too many scratches.

 

Just be honest with your motives here. You aren't going to tell him because you want to control both him and your situation. Because you know that if he knew...he would most likely leave and, as I said before, your needs outweigh his. That's the level of respect that you have for him. He's your possession to control with dishonesty.

 

If you are comfortable with that...fine. As long as you are honest enough to admit your motives to yourself there's no point in me lecturing you. I'm not going to change your mind.

[CrazyMom]

Given everything you say in the rest of your post, what's the problem with getting a divorce? Why is that a bad thing?

 

Ya know, those thoughts have run through my mind. I feel like that would be the easy way out because I wouldn't have to make a decision. But...I feel like I still need to be prepared for it if I go that route.

 

Also, the OM doesn't want my husband to know in fear that my husband will come after him. Which he could do. So I'm not sure I can tell my husband anything without telling him everything.

 

I'm a stay at home mom, and although I do have a college degree and have only been unemployed for 1.5 years, I love being a stay at home mom and spending so much time with my son. It would be a huge adjustment for him and myself if that has to end.

 

I'm also not sure I'm willing to have my child growing up in two separate homes. I hate the thought of that. So, is sacrificing my happiness worth him being able to grow up with both parents together? That's where I'm stuck.

 

I'm not necessarily afraid to be alone. My husband is actually out of town for work for three days and I find myself not really missing him, and almost dreading his return because I like to be alone. Granted, three days is nothing compared to how long I could be alone if we divorce. But that's not a fear of mine.

[GorillaTheater]

Ya know, those thoughts have run through my mind. I feel like that would be the easy way out because I wouldn't have to make a decision. But...I feel like I still need to be prepared for it if I go that route.

 

Also, the OM doesn't want my husband to know in fear that my husband will come after him. Which he could do. So I'm not sure I can tell my husband anything without telling him everything.

 

I'm a stay at home mom, and although I do have a college degree and have only been unemployed for 1.5 years, I love being a stay at home mom and spending so much time with my son. It would be a huge adjustment for him and myself if that has to end.

 

I'm also not sure I'm willing to have my child growing up in two separate homes. I hate the thought of that. So, is sacrificing my happiness worth him being able to grow up with both parents together? That's where I'm stuck.

 

I'm not necessarily afraid to be alone. My husband is actually out of town for work for three days and I find myself not really missing him, and almost dreading his return because I like to be alone. Granted, three days is nothing compared to how long I could be alone if we divorce. But that's not a fear of mine.

 

1) The OM is an adult; he can deal with his own problems, including those involving your husband.

 

2) Yes, you'll need to get a job. And although it may be less than ideal, plenty of kids do well and even thrive in day care.

 

3) Divorce will likely be hard on your son, but he's young enough to adjust more swiftly than older kids. And is it fair to him to live in a household where mom doesn't love dad, doesn't want to touch him let alone make love with him, and is generally relieved when dad is gone? You don't think a child is going to catch on to that dynamic? What's that going to teach him about marriage and what to look for in a wife?

[StoneCold]

I just don't know if the pain of divorce and having to split time with my son is worth the pain. I feel like I have to choose the pain of living in this empty marriage, or the pain of not seeing my son all the time. Which pain is more worth it?

.

 

Oh boy I know how you feel here... I honestly cant give you an answer other than its something you will have to work through on your own...good luck

 

Get to your Dr and get your hormone levels checked. Maybe you were or are suffering from PPD, since you say everything changed once your child was born.

 

I'm no doctor but I'm sure her hormone levels are fine....she just went gonzo for another guy....seems like working hormones to me

 

She cheated. It's up to her husband what he wants to do.

 

You think she should just keep it as a lie?

 

I dont see what saying anything will do other than make a bad situation worse

[Saul Goodman]

1) The OM is an adult; he can deal with his own problems, including those involving your husband.

 

2) Yes, you'll need to get a job. And although it may be less than ideal, plenty of kids do well and even thrive in day care.

 

3) Divorce will likely be hard on your son, but he's young enough to adjust more swiftly than older kids. And is it fair to him to live in a household where mom doesn't love dad, doesn't want to touch him let alone make love with him, and is generally relieved when dad is gone? You don't think a child is going to catch on to that dynamic? What's that going to teach him about marriage and what to look for in a wife?

 

Like he said.

 

Kids aren't stupid. They'll pick up on your unhappiness. Two happy divorced parents will provide a healthier environment than two miserable married parents.

 

If you're gonna stay than you are going to stay. But it won't be for your kid's benefit. Don't delude yourself there.

[CrazyMom]

All of you have very great points, thank you for your input.

 

It's such a hard decision to let go of everything that I thought this life would be. For a life full of uncertainty.

 

But the feelings I feel for the OM I should feel for my husband, and I don't. I should be excited to see him and spend time with him. I want to be with someone that makes me feel that way.

 

Ugh...I never thought I'd be in this situation.

[fenderstrathss]

Also, the OM doesn't want my husband to know in fear that my husband will come after him. Which he could do. So I'm not sure I can tell my husband anything without telling him everything.

 

 

Sounds like way more than just a kiss happened. your husband probably wouldn't come after this guy over a kiss. Are you even being completely honest with us as to how far this affair went and is affecting your decision making? Oxytocin is one hell of a a brain chemical. Anyway, no matter what your fears, guilt, etc., you owe it to your husband as a human being and the father of your child (at the very least) to tell him everything and accept whatever consequences may come. If you don't, you're a horrible and selfish person and I have no sympathy. All of this should have been discussed with him PRIOR to you making the CHOICE to have an affair. Please take just one tiny second and put yourself in his shoes and think about him doing everything to you that you're doing to him. It's childish, selfish, disgusting, and deserves no sympathy from anyone. Be an adult and communicate your thoughts/feelings as well as face the consequences of your actions.

[CrazyMom]

Sounds like way more than just a kiss happened. your husband probably wouldn't come after this guy over a kiss. Are you even being completely honest with us as to how far this affair went and is affecting your decision making? Oxytocin is one hell of a a brain chemical. Anyway, no matter what your fears, guilt, etc., you owe it to your husband as a human being and the father of your child (at the very least) to tell him everything and accept whatever consequences may come. If you don't, you're a horrible and selfish person and I have no sympathy. All of this should have been discussed with him PRIOR to you making the CHOICE to have an affair. Please take just one tiny second and put yourself in his shoes and think about him doing everything to you that you're doing to him. It's childish, selfish, disgusting, and deserves no sympathy from anyone. Be an adult and communicate your thoughts/feelings as well as face the consequences of your actions.

 

Yes I am being honest, I have no reason to lie on here. The OM just started this job about a month before we met so I think he's just overly paranoid that my husband will show up causing drama and he'll lose his job. He's got full custody of his two kids so he'd be in a pretty bad situation if that happened.

 

Just because the affair didn't go far physically doesn't mean it didn't emotionally. At least for me. I definitely realize that I'm being very selfish. And it's almost like I've completely lost sight of how bad having an affair really is. I don't even feel guilty and can't put myself in my husband's shoes if I try. But when I talked to my husband and explained that I don't feel the same anymore and something's wrong, I made sure not to blame him and made it clear that I didn't think he had done anything wrong.

 

My brain is really screwed up right now. I don't even feel like I'm the same person I was a couple months ago.

[Craig2425]

You know you're doing wrong and don't care because you're too caught up in the affair. This is what happens everytime. You need to tell your husband.

I bet if you got rid of om(that means thinking of him too) and worked on your marriage things would be fine.

 

Either way you need to tell your husband.

[LittleTiger]

Lets leave the emotional affair aside for a minute.

 

When you married your husband (not that long ago), did you have these passionate feelings towards him then - the ones that you say you can't live without? Presumably you did, or you wouldn't have married him?

 

If these feelings have only disappeared since the birth of your child I would be willing to bet that the problem is your hormones. Female hormones run amok after childbirth - often for years - not to mention the psychologicial and emotional affects of such a major change in lifestyle and in your relationship dynamics.

 

Please don't do anything drastic. Go to your doctor, see a therapist and talk to your husband about how you're feeling. Whether you mention the OM is up to you though, as others have said, he does have a right to know. Ultimately, make sure you do everything in your power to put this right and get yourself back to 'normal' before you make any life-changing decisions.

[karnak]

Your marriage was probably never that strong to begin with. You met your husband and thought he was a "great guy". You imagined that he was one of the best you had ever met. A nice option to start a family and, perhaps, grow old with.

 

But now your child is born. Your "Married life-Motherhood" fantasy is complete. Maybe in a subconscious level you assume you've exhausted all your options with your husband.

 

The hard truth is: we can't force ourselves to love someone (unlike what many people on LS sometimes think. Love and affection are not muscles that you can grow by going to the gym and pumping iron. They're either there - or they're not.

 

A marriage is supposed to be something that will make you happier in life. Some people may see it as a way to raise a family or obtain material/social profits. Personally I don't see marriage as a "Job". Job is something that you have to go to almost everyday in order to have money and be able to buy things. In order to have a job you have to deal with people you don't like or can't stand. Unfortunately, some people do see marriage as a sort of profession. That's why it's so common to say "marriage takes work".

 

Maybe one day there will be a job called "marriage engineer". Who knows?

 

My suggestion. Take some time alone for yourself. Search your deepest feelings. Think about where you came from. Why did you get married? What are your true feelings? What do you want for your future? Who are you really in the inside.

Unfortunately, most people have no real idea of who they really are, or what they really want in their lives.

 

After reaching a conclusion, make your decision.

 

All the best to you.

[Bugz Bunny]

Lets see: you married and decided to have children with your H and you decided to be with him in better or worse...and now because you suddenly found OM you will destroy your marriage,your child and your H who thinks that everything is fine...

 

Ok then lets say you divorce and go with OM and I bet that the feelings for him will fade in 6 -12 months (honeymoon phase) and then what...maybe till then you will have another child with this OM but suddenly you will divorce or break up with him because the spark or the passion isn't the same as in the begining...then you will find another man and so on and so on...you act selfish and like a teen and not like a mother and grown up women...a marriage is something that you must work on every day and not just when it's bad you find someone else...

 

This is unbelievable...some people just don't deserve to be married and have kids...

[Ballerfamily]

this is an epidemic...its really, really sad...the odds of marrying a spouse, raising kids, and then enjoying life together are about as good as winning the lottery...every man I know including my 20 yr old son asks the same question..and the youngsters are preparing to remain single and have friend s with benefits...25 yrs from now, are culture will be vastly different..and that will include way over half the population not enjoying the strength and happiness marriage and family bring to them...instead of being encouraged, I come here daily and walk away with immense sadness...

[karnak]

Back in the old days people were "socially trained" in order to accept that marriage was something for life. When you took the vows you'd have to abide by them, wether you liked ir or not. If you changed your mind and considered divorce you'd risk to be labeled an outcast.

 

If you cheated you'd almost be stoned to death or considered a sort of criminal. That, on an almost unconscious level, led people to be way more picky regarding their marriage partners. People thought that if they made a mistake, it'd be a mistake for life. So they tried to choose the most compatible partner they thought they could find.

Unfortunately, when a person found themselves attached to a bad spouse, life would become a sort of living hell. But people accepted the way of things because they thought that it was the way the world worked. That's why so many women found themselves hostage of hideous philanderers. And so many men were bound to hideous witches.

 

The possibility of divorce allowed us to be able to be free from an unhappy marriage, and be able to find our happiness elsewhere.

 

Alas, what was originally meant to be a blessing, turned out to be a curse in disguise. Many, many futile, shallow and messed-up people now got a free pass allowing them to play "fairy tale wedding" as many times as they want.

 

Our fast-food culture has created inside us a sort of vertigo which makes us want to live life to the fullest, without thinking twice about the consequences. During the last 20 years of financial eden we started to live according to the idea that jobs, houses, cars and relationships are discardable and easily affordable. Tired of the old one? Just drop it and get a new one.

 

More than 30 years ago one would have to work very hard in order to buy a house or even a car. Life was hard then. You'd have to think twice or thrice before making a decision. Marriage was one of such decisions.

 

In my country we have a saying: "Opportunity creates the thief". Applied to this case, it means that emotionally unstable people, cheaters, narcissists are now free to establish a relationship, marry, have kids, etc, with as much ease as one would go to the bank and ask for a loan. They know they won't suffer consequences from their poor judgement or misdeeds.