Author CrazyMom Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 Not to mention that there is a good chance this guy you fell for will drop you hard and fast when you try to get serious with him. There is a reason guys go for married women, all the fun, none of the obligations. I'm not talking to the OM anymore. He doesn't want to be "that guy." And I pursued him, not the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig2425 Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 I'm not talking to the OM anymore. He doesn't want to be "that guy." And I pursued him, not the other way around. This person sounds like my wife. She probably got a other name and is asking what to do. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Craig2425 Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 This person sounds like my wife. She probably got a other name and is asking what to do. Lol Word for word. Link to post Share on other sites
Saul Goodman Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 This person sounds like my wife. She probably got a other name and is asking what to do. Lol Don't take this the wrong way but...is that true CM? It's a bit of a stretch but hardly impossible. Obviously none of us will ever know for sure but it would make things easier if you were completely honest. Link to post Share on other sites
brazilian Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 One of if not the most important part of growing up is feeling contented for doing the right thing. Nobody put a gun to your head and told you to get married. You CHOSE this person. You had a baby with him. It is your family. When parents/siblings are no longer around or unavailable, your husband will hold your hand, dry your tears, and he is the only one that will love your son as much as you do. Just do the right thing and love him back. Take care of your family. The spark reappears when you feel proud of yourself for this. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 Does the "work" required to maintain a marriage include having to re-build feelings when they've gone away? Is that a normal part of the flow of a marital relationship? Or is the loss of "spark and passion" for my husband something that's just gone and won't come back. I understand that marriage takes work, I wasn't expecting it to be a walk in the park. But I assumed that my feelings would stay the same. Yes, I think the 'work' does include that. I know many people who have been married for ten-twenty years who have had phases of a couple of years (often associated with the stress of both working full time jobs combined with raising two or three small children) where the kind of passion you are missing was absent. So, I don't think at all that you can assume that your feelings would stay the same over the course of a life long relationship. Those kind of feelings are very precarious and have to be continuously and actively nurtured and reproduced. I don't know a single couple who have been married long term who haven't faced those kind of periods/ bumps along the road where they felt that their marriage was a practical institution more than anything else, so in general terms I think that's what we have to expect from marriage as an institution. There might very well be couples out there who have never experienced that kind of temporary disconnect, but I don't think they represent the majority. I'm saying the above as a general statement. I don't know you and your relationship and I don't know whether it's 'right' for the two of you to mend your marriage or not (I also haven't read this whole thread in detail). But I don't think you should make your decision based on the assumption that you should have a feeling of passion with your husband that is just constant. Feelings are not constant, they ebb and flow. At the moment you are comparing the dynamics of a longer term relationship/ marriage and everything that goes with that with the new found passion of infatuation. It's like comparing apples and oranges. Even if you go with the OM, there is likely to be a point in that relationship in the future where you will have similar feelings about the lack of passion, when your life together has become routine and you are experiencing the stress of daily life and mundane practicalities. So the main issue here, I think, is not one of 'passion or not passion', but it's one of who are you most compatible with in the long run, and how will you best be able to look after your child. Are you primarily experiencing a challenge in your marriage, or have you just been whisked away by the power of infatuation? Is it, generally speaking, possible to re-ignite that passion? Yes, absolutely. Will that be the case in your specific situation? It depends on so many different factors and the only way you can really find out is to try (if you want to give it a try). Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 But the feelings I feel for the OM I should feel for my husband, and I don't. I should be excited to see him and spend time with him. I want to be with someone that makes me feel that way. I think you are partially experiencing a disconnect with your H exactly because you are channeling your emotions elsewhere. Also, you can't expect your H to make you feel that way all the time. Your OM won't make you feel that way all the time, either, in the long run. Part of him is that he farts and is boring and doesn't take out the rubbish, too, at times. In a long term perspective, you and your partner (whoever your partner ends up being) have to actively create excitement together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrazyMom Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 This person sounds like my wife. She probably got a other name and is asking what to do. Lol No, no. I promise I'm not your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
sadhubby Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 just reading all this just makes me sick!! so pretty much you are bored with your marriage as a house wife but thats what you always wanted!! now some om pay's a little more attention to you . ummm GUESS WHY ? he wants to bang you . your own selfish needs are considered over your husband who by the way is WORKING his ass off for you and your child!! why dont you do something useful instead of only thinking about yourself why dont you contribute to the marriage and stop thinking me me me!! i wish i new your husband i tell him he married a piece of crap. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 To the OP: Yes, you could stick around. Yes, you don't fight. Things aren't too bad. But it's not what you really want. Now consider this: Imagine your son as a grown man in the same position as you. What advice would you give to him? Link to post Share on other sites
c0nfuzd Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 just reading all this just makes me sick!! so pretty much you are bored with your marriage as a house wife but thats what you always wanted!! now some om pay's a little more attention to you . ummm GUESS WHY ? he wants to bang you . your own selfish needs are considered over your husband who by the way is WORKING his ass off for you and your child!! why dont you do something useful instead of only thinking about yourself why dont you contribute to the marriage and stop thinking me me me!! i wish i new your husband i tell him he married a piece of crap. for some it's easier to give up than to work on fixing it Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 I'm not necessarily afraid to be alone. My husband is actually out of town for work for three days and I find myself not really missing him, and almost dreading his return because I like to be alone. Granted, three days is nothing compared to how long I could be alone if we divorce. But that's not a fear of mine. Do this poor man a favor and divorce. DO NOT allow him to talk you out of it. Do the right thing be kind in the custody settlement and don't fleece him financially. It'll be bad enough as is, and the resentment he already feels will grow. Yes, he does feel it and will continue to until he fully deals with the pain and abandonment. If you ever felt anything for him, don't deny him the chance at a real life and a woman who will truly love him. And be certain one will; a real woman who appreciates a man like him. Not you. Many will disagree, but love is a decision; not an emotion. Respect breeds attraction. Your lack of it is clear in the heartless description of your feelings. Past and present. Go get your drama/player. Someday, when you grow up you'll realize what you had and threw away. But, it'll be too late. Harsh? Absolutely. But nowhere near as harsh as what's in your heart. Take a good look at what/who is influencing you. Look hard and long. Suddenly, I have new respect for used car salesmen. Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 I'm no longer talking to the other man. And when I say he was a random guy, I meant that he's not someone I've known for a long time. My husband and I recently bought a vehicle and the OM is actually the man that sold it to us. I went through most of the process by myself, so spent a few hours with him. After that I couldn't get him out of my head and started pursuing him. We talked a lot and saw each other a couple times over a span of about a month. But the OM's ex-wife left him for another man she was cheating with, so he refuses to be "that guy" and we're no longer talking. Good for the OM. At least he understands and dont want to hurt your husband. Why do you think he'll want you knowing that he contributed to your marriage breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrazyMom Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 This person sounds like my wife. She probably got a other name and is asking what to do. Lol So your wife admitted this same thing to you? She pursued an OM? How are things now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrazyMom Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 To the OP: Yes, you could stick around. Yes, you don't fight. Things aren't too bad. But it's not what you really want. Now consider this: Imagine your son as a grown man in the same position as you. What advice would you give to him? Wow, that's a tough question. Obviously I'd want my son to be happy and would support him no matter what decision he made. I'd also want to make sure my grandchildren were thought about in the whole situation as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrazyMom Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Do this poor man a favor and divorce. DO NOT allow him to talk you out of it. Do the right thing be kind in the custody settlement and don't fleece him financially. It'll be bad enough as is, and the resentment he already feels will grow. Yes, he does feel it and will continue to until he fully deals with the pain and abandonment. If you ever felt anything for him, don't deny him the chance at a real life and a woman who will truly love him. And be certain one will; a real woman who appreciates a man like him. Not you. Many will disagree, but love is a decision; not an emotion. Respect breeds attraction. Your lack of it is clear in the heartless description of your feelings. Past and present. Go get your drama/player. Someday, when you grow up you'll realize what you had and threw away. But, it'll be too late. Harsh? Absolutely. But nowhere near as harsh as what's in your heart. Take a good look at what/who is influencing you. Look hard and long. Suddenly, I have new respect for used car salesmen. I absolutely agree with a lot of things you said. Harsh, yes, but true. I can't deny that what I'm doing is horrible. I know it is. That being said, the last line made me laugh a little Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts