Futuredivorce Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 I've found myself filing for a divorce from my wife of eight years and I'm pretty much an emotional wreck. I'm finally standing my ground after all these years and yet I feel miserable. I tried to make her happy but nothing is ever good enough for her. I built her two brand new homes in less than five years and she's more concerned with what the neighbors think than whether our marriage is working or not. Needless to say I'm pretty angry at how ungrateful she is after all the hell you go through in building a house. We've only been in the new one for less than six months but I can't take the emotional abandonement of a wife who sleeps in a separate bedroom, rarely if ever shows any affection, and spends more time with a divorced woman in the neighborhood than with me or our dogs. I suggested marriage counseling to her and she refused. So I filed for a divorce. What else am I supposed to do? Link to post Share on other sites
shortbus74 Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 Sounds like she takes you for granted from the way you posted... But there are numerous questions in my head that you could answer, did you ever cheat? do you tell her you love her and adore her everyday? do you both spend quality time together? do you take time out to spend time together? Just a few things to consider..... divorce can be ugly (I know) and not to mention very painful........I would not wish divorce on my worst enemy........ Link to post Share on other sites
futuredivorce Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 To answer your questions, no I've never cheated, if I had I'd at least understand the situation better. As for quality time together that's the real issue to me. We've been on countless vacations together. We used to take our dogs to the park for a walk almost everyday. But now she's either too busy or too tired to even walk the dogs with me. If I was overweight, drinking all the time, or abusive I'd at least give her the benefit of the doubt for avoiding me but I'm not any of those things. All I can figure is that she comes from a family where the women dominate everything and the men just do what their told. I guess I'm not doing as I'm told so I must be punished in some form or fashion. Anyway, I think the thing that kept me in the marriage was the hope that things would get better if I just stuck it out. Well that didn't happen and my head tells me it's time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
shortbus74 Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 Not to add salt to the wound here, but she might be cheating on you... Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 make sure you get a good lawyer - you didn't mention children but it certainly sounds like you have assets, not to mention the dogs good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Dulce_Angel_Whispers Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 Since you filed for a divorce I hope you get a good lawyer so your ungrateful wife doesn't try and take you for all your worth! Sounds like she is very selfish and ungrateful! I say move on and find someone who will love and respect and appreciate you for more than just what you can "do" for them! Link to post Share on other sites
futuredivorce Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 Well, my brother is an attorney and he's representing me for free so I'm not too worried about splitting the assets. We don't have any kids so that's a least one less thing to worry about. I have wondered if she is cheating on me but don't have any proof to speak of but if she was at least I'd have some explanation for what is going on. And frankly, it would make walking away much less difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
shortbus74 Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 I am really sorry that you are going thru this..... when I got divorced I was heartbroken.... I did not want to get divorced but he did... I am still bitter about the whole thing two years later.... I would not wish divorce on my worst enemy... But on a happier note. I have become more dependent on myself... I have not given up and I am still alive. Good luck and I hope that everything works out for you... Link to post Share on other sites
TempSain Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 FutureDivorce: I just got to this post and your situation seems similar to mine. Sounds like your wife is the taker and your the giver. My wife and I sleep in the same bedroom but my wife too has an insatiable desire for material goods. Walking away is harder than it sounds. I too am having difficulty doing that. Please keep us informed of what happens as it may make it easier for me to walk away as well. Best of luck, Link to post Share on other sites
pink2233 Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 Good luck with the decision you have made it sounds like she is very ungrateful and maybe this girlfriend of hers isn't helping the situation any either.. maybe you should hire a PI just to see if she is possibly cheating on you..if you've built her these houses and such there has to be something going on somewhere! Link to post Share on other sites
JackieV8 Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 Get divorced and marry me! You guys who have ungrateful wives and who are faithful and do everything - how come I can never meet anyone like you? I just divorced my exhusband who was so self-absorbed and in love with himself - he didn't know I existed half the time. How do mis-matched couples get together - I'd KILL for a husband who was attentive and faithful - anything else would be a huge bonus! I'm the least materialistic woman in the world, I don't demand anything other than love and honesty. I crave intimacy and great sex yet my husband prefers porn. I don't get it - why can't I find a nice guy like you who'd do anything in the world for his wife???? Link to post Share on other sites
marilyn69 Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 Hey, I am young(16) and not married but have been through alot. I know that walking away from someone you truly love can be one of the hardest things to do and it sounds to me that you are not selfish and you shouldn't have to be when you are in love. But nows the time when you have to think of yourself, not to be selfish though. You have many more years to come in your life and you know in your mind and heart that you want to be happy and make the rest of your years worthwhile. With what you've got now is someone that obviously isn't going to try and make you feel great. Walk away, appreciate what you have gotten from that relationship, and go out into the world with even more knowledge and happiness that can be shared with someone else and you can receive in return. Even if you are alone for some time consider that meant to be and write that new chapter of your life. Hope this helps and I wish you all the best, you deserve much much better and more. Link to post Share on other sites
TreeHugger Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Wow...speachless.... Glad to hear you have an attorney...but what about supportive friends and family? I have found that my friends, family and LS have given the strength to stay focused on keeping my boundaries... Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
erbailey Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 This is crazy...I yearn for romance and my husbands idea is to read penthouse in bed next to me and try to grope me. He says he has nothing he wants and he his just unhappy with his whole life. Makes me feel great. He also refused counseling and I'm on the fence. I can't see living the rest of our lives unhappy. Im only 25 and I feel like I have so much to give. My dad said something to me this weekend that is ringing in my ears... Some people spend all of their lives trying to make everyone else happy and making themselves miserable. I just know he was talking to me. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
futuredivorce Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 When I first posted to this forum I was in a terrible frame of mind. Now, my divorce is almost final as I'm just waiting for a court date to have a judge sign the final divorce decree. I found out that my soon to be ex-wife has a boyfriend. Caught them together and found a bunch of romantic emails so I was somewhat surprised but not devastated. She won't admit to any of the fooling around but I don't care anymore. I'm glad I filed and I can't wait for it to be finished. We put the new house up for sale and there's a couple who've signed a contract to buy it so that'll take care of that. I still don't know why my wife went off the deep end. I asked her several times during the first month of problems if she was willing to work things out. No was always the answer. So, now I know that she is moving back to her hometown, with or without the boyfriend and it doesn't bother me at all. The people I work with have been very supportive and so has all my family. I did lose some weight from the stress but I do get out and run at least three miles every other day. I sleep pretty well at night even though there's always this giant weight on my shoulders of watching an eight year marriage go down the toilet. It's not so much the money that I lost over the years but the time. I'll never get that back. But I don't have to deal with a person who doesn't appreciate me or the things I tried to do for her. As far as I'm concerned it's her loss not mine. The only thing I'm going to miss are the dogs that we had over the years. I gave them to her in the divorce and I'm planning on getting a new puppy as soon as I find a new house. At least with a new dog I'll have something to do and some companionship that won't scream and yell at me at every opportunity. Anyway, my mental and physical state of being are much better than I would have ever expected at this point. I only wish that I'd done a better job picking a wife in the first place. But who ever knows what another person is capable of when you first meet them? Link to post Share on other sites
seahorse Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 Hi, I'm glad you made it back to tell everyone how things were going. I've just been reading down the thread, and it seems you've done the wisest thing. The other posters who mentioned your wife might be having an affair, obviously read a lot into what you had said, and they were right. Funny how we can't always see things that are right in front of our eyes. Well done on beginning to move on; I hope I'm getting somewhere near where you are in the next few months. I am awaiting house valuations to send my lawyer as she is totalling assets at the moment, pending a divorce petition. Seahorse Link to post Share on other sites
futuredivorce Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Seahorse, It's funny that people read into my post that my wife was having an affair because all the women I've talked to about it all said the same thing. The guys who I talked to all said that she wasn't. I tend to agree with the women on this one point. Anyway, things are moving along and I hope that are for you too. Divorce sucks no matter how you slice it. Link to post Share on other sites
TempSain Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Sounds like your healing already. You are much better off without her. Someone that is willing to cheat on you and not willing to try is not worth anymore of your time. Getting a dog is a great idea. I have one and I realized that they make you feel much better when your alone. I am going in the direction of divorce as well and hope to be over it soon. One thing that I would like to ask you is to stay in touch and let us know what is going on. This will help me and others here to see what your going trough and give us hope in our desperate situations. Keep running and keep your hopes up. There are plenty of good available single women out there. Date when you can, I think the moment you find someone new, you will forget your x easy. TS Link to post Share on other sites
seahorse Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Hi again, Yes, divorce definitely sucks. Sometimes though, when you've been treated very badly, it's the only way to get on with things. I hope you have friends that you can talk to about all your feelings. I know you can always post here, and always find support, but nothing beats ranting it all out over a few beers/bottles of wine. Sometimes people bottle everything up, and that comes back to haunt them in later life in the form of stress related illnesses etc. My husband cheated on me for five years and I never knew a thing till he confessed to me. This was 29 months ago and I am still getting over what he did. He has spent the time since then asking me to go back with him, and begging forgiveness. A two week fling I maybe could have forgiven, but five years??? The divorce petition is happening very soon. Seahorse. Link to post Share on other sites
blackchina Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 I think your wife is taking you for granted. Have you told her that if she doesn't want to work things out she is pretty much forcing you to file for divorce? Either she doesn't think you will or she wants you to. Link to post Share on other sites
havNfun Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 marilyn69 - I am impressed with your mature response for your age - please look me up when you are 18! (smile) How do mis-matched couples get together - I'd KILL for a husband who was attentive and faithful - anything else would be a huge bonus! I'm the least materialistic woman in the world, I don't demand anything other than love and honesty. I crave intimacy and great sex yet my husband prefers porn. I don't get it - why can't I find a nice guy like you who'd do anything in the world for his wife???? JackieV8, when the divorce is final, please look me up too. (smile/hugs/hang-in-there) futuredivorce, well I rewrote (in my mind) my response with each update you posted - as I was reading this thread. You sound like a nice guy. All I have left from my re-writes (and un-writes) are 1-hope you had a pre-nup - hope the divorce is going okay as far as her not taking a butt load of your assets as well as taking another dude! 2- was going to tell you to buy an amazing lawyer - rather than brother etc. but it sounds like you are not too worried about the financials of this ordeal 3 - best of luck - and please know that there are definately women out there that are not selfish and materialistic - sorry =my mom is taken (grin) - but I'd bet there are one or two others out there as well. best of luck - hang in there for much betters times - and please let us know how things pan out! Link to post Share on other sites
mixedup1 Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Yes, I am a day late and a dime short for this one but I will put my two cents worth in. Having experienced similar things but not necessarily in your order, I felt she was having some kind of affair. It hurts bad especially if you love them more than anything and all you get is neg. input and the yelling and put downs...it makes your blood boil sometimes. I am worried about your dogs more than you!! LOL I mean you sound like your doing o.k. and will make out just fine. Is she going to treat those dogs well?? I don't know, I don't have kids and my dogs are my kids so to speak. I kept my dogs, but 11 months and I am still not divorced, but almost there. It has been turmoil for myself since Iwanted to work things out. But she is still affairing. Better off without her even if it was 18 years, I can only really remember the good times so that is ok I guess. Too bad she can only remember the bad. I am happy for you though, I hope you find someone who appreciates you and all you do for them, you will recieve all the loving in the world back from the right ladie. And there are plenty of good humble honest ladies out there too! Good Luck and Happy Trails!! Link to post Share on other sites
shortbus74 Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 future..... it is strange that women can forsee someone else cheating but they never see it in their own personal relationship (I know I did not see it coming when it happen to me). You married because it felt right at the time, it happens to the best of us. As my mother says (hey she is the most intelligent person I know) we learn from our past mistakes..The key now is to not make the same mistake again. Good luck and you will find some one who will be true to you..... Link to post Share on other sites
futuredivorce Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Well she finally left this morning with the dogs. I feel just absolutely devastated right now. The last three months I've been so stressed out that I'm now simply emotionally and physically exhausted. I should have never agreed to let her stay in the house until the house sold. I didn't realize at the time that trying to be mature and practical about the housing situation for both of us would turn into such a traumatic undertaking. I should have just left but I was so torn over taking care of the dogs. I didn't want to make them suffer so I foolishly stuck around. Now the dogs are gone and I've cried like a baby for more than once. Animals are so innocent while people can be so vicious. I've got lots to do today to keep my mind off things since I've found a new house to move into in a couple of weeks. But once those dogs walked out the door at 5:30 this morning I knew this was going to be a tough day. Now the house is empty except for my stuff and it just feels lifeless inside. I made one attempt last night to ask her if she had anything she wanted to say before she left. I knew that I would most likely never see her again so I thought it might create some sense of closure for me. She had nothing to say. I felt very sorry for her, not for the pain she caused me, but the fact that I can see her life totally coming unglued. No education to speak of, quit her job, moved back to a small town in Missouri with no real economy. Anyway, I'm devastated right now at the absolute waste of time, money, and effort trying to make the marriage work all to no avail. I'm sure that this is hopefully the low point of the whole affair. God knows I don't need anymore days like today and its only 7:23 in the morning. I didn't know what to expect when she left but all the pain and torment she caused are definately still lingering in my head. I guess the worst of it is losing the dogs I'd grown so fond of over time. But even the love I felt for the dogs couldn't outweigh the feelings of anger and disgust with my ex. The lying and cheating just pushed me over the edge. Sorry for the depressing post but I have to get this off my chest before it drives me crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
seahorse Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 future divorce, the next few days, weeks and months will be the making of you. Try not to go over all that has been, it does no good brooding. Keep very busy, you have a house move to organise. Talk to friends, relatives, this forum. When you've moved in, get yourself a new dog or another pet. You have a new life to live, someone else to meet eventually, and try not to lose the trust that we should place in people. You are in a very low place right now, but that means the only other place to go is UP! If she has no immediate prospects, if her life is becoming unglued, is that your fault? No, it's hers. She brought this on herself so there is no need for you to be concerned, but being the caring person you are, you can't help it. There are many others out there who have been through what you have, and who are still going through it. Remember that you are not alone. My husband cheated on me for five years, he told me eventually and for a while I thought I was in hell, but I'm stronger now. My divorce petition to my husband will be on its way before the end of the week. Seahorse. Link to post Share on other sites
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