Confused but filing for a divorce anyway

[futuredivorce]

It's tough to try to put the past behind so quickly. That's a battle I've been fighting all summer. Having her in and out of the house just perpetuated the problems. Today is the first real day I've had to myself since this whole mess started. I talked to one of my neighbors that my ex spent a lot of time with and she suggested that my wife was somewhat delusional about the whole divorce. She said that several of the older women on the block had simply sat her down and told her that she was going backwards not forwards with the divorce. Needless to say I had the same thoughts just no one to really discuss them with due to all the legal stuff. I guess it just confirmed my suspicions that my ex was going off the deep end. Why I don't know but as you put it, as a caring person, it's hard to watch someone in such a tailspin and not want to help them. Anyway, the divorce proceedings will be finalized on Wednesday morning. That will end the legal matter but the emotional toll is just now hitting me. The house is so quiet without the dogs running around, snoring, or panting. I'm simply tired, so tired, but I can't sleep. I think I'll go run a few miles and hope that helps me sleep.

[TempSain]

Hang in there man.

Were here to support you.

 

I think your in the realization stage where you are now realizing that your life has changed.

But it has changed for the better. You will be ok in time. You just need time to be alone now.

You will be past this stage soon.

 

Don't you enjoy sleeping in your bed alone?

I know I would.

 

Keep busy and time will pass.

Find a new GF and most of all, enjoy life.

[futuredivorce]

One thing that I haven't given credit to throughout this entire nightmare are all the friends, both formal and online, that have stood behind me and supported me. I never really thought I had that many friends but I do and that has been a very welcome relief. So, if I haven't said it enough, thanks to all of you, it really does make a difference that people are not all self-serving and do care.

[seahorse]

I think everyone on this forum has been through or will be going through similar hard times, and so we know what it's like to be in this situation, and how much support people need...that, and we're just nice people!!!

 

seahorse

[futuredivorce]

I have to appear in court tomorrow morning to finalize the divorce. My brother calls it a prove-up where the judge just asks you a few simple questions and then signs off on the final divorce decree. My soon-to-be ex doesn't have to appear so I'll be going it alone which is what I've been doing for quite awhile anyway. At least the legal part will be over and behind me. I was really surprised at the amount of raw emotion I felt when she finally left yesterday. I never want to get on this roller-coaster again and I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. At least when there's a death in the family it's over and done with fairly quickly and you just move on. This divorce madness has a more exacting toll that it takes on you that is different and much more devastating to me than a death. At least with a death you can understand the circumstances, divorce is so unexplainable that it's tough to rationalize the experience. I know that time heals all wounds but I wish it was next year already. I don't really relish the vulnerability that the whole process has left me feeling. That part is the thing that I want to get behind me as fast as I can. Well, I've got another 15 hours of wedded bliss to enjoy before the judge signs the divorce decree at 9:00 a.m. CST tomorrow. I'm going to make the best of it by going out and running and then finding something to eat.

[will_woman]

Future....you are a good man. Do deserve a much better woman for yourself.

Be strong and focus on building on your own well-being. Treat yourself good.

You should be glad that the divorce is going to be finalized soon and the chapter has ended.

 

My ex-husband (going to be) has cheated on me and left me in a desperate state since last year Oct. I have never wanted a divorce and he is just so adament on getting one. He even went to file a petition and now I am in midst of contesting it. Not sure how long the matter's going to drag.

 

Anyway, Time really heals all wounds. I am feeling much better and actively moving forward. Life is just too short for us to mourn over someone who treated us badly.

[finallydivorced]

The final legal hurdle took only five minutes to complete. They asked a few questions, like was my wife pregnant, was she changing her name, etc. Then the judge said, "divorce granted," and I didn't care what happened after that. I felt very relieved that it was finally and legally over. There's a certain formality that the proceeding had that helped me put the problem behind me from a rational state of mind. Emotionally, I'm sure that'll take more time. Anyway, met with my real estate agent on the new house after the court hearing, stopped by my employer and removed my ex from all my benefits, changed my beneficiary information, and simply relaxed for the first time in three months. I sure hope that someone has learned something from my experience and I know I've found a lot of friends that I didn't think I'd ever have. I'll let you know how things go from here and as soon as I can get a new puppy to hang out with in my new house. Thanks again everyone.

[seahorse]

Good luck with your new house, new puppy and your new life.

 

Keep us informed.

 

Seahorse

[seahorse]

Future, how are you doing?

 

seahorse

[future]

Well, I'm actually doing okay. I've spent the week packing all my stuff, buying new furniture, buying new appliances, and talking to the real estate agent handing the sale of the house and the next one I'm buying. I went out and played golf with my niece and had one of the best rounds I've had in years. I'm still disgusted at the turn of events however and somewhat anxious about it all. I guess that's normal, I just didn't ever have a clue that my marriage would end like it did and so quickly. I'm glad it's over though because in hindsight I was living a pretty miserable existance in my marriage. I put up with entirely too much and got nothing in return. I haven't given up hope that things for me will turn around at some time in the future. Right now it just seems like such a daunting task to even begin to think about socializing with anybody. I'm a college professor and I have to go back to school in a week and it feels like I've never stepped into an academic building before much less have to work with graduate students. I'm sure that the work will be like therapy to me it usually is to let students share their experiences in class. My ex-wife never understood my job or my education. I earned a Ph.D. a few years ago to get us both some job security and she never let me forget how ignorant she thought I was for someone so educated. I never have to hear that again, isn't that a nice idea now? Anyway, I'm getting ready to try to find a new Border Collie that I can start working with in the next couple of weeks when I get my new place. That is when I think my new life will really start, when I'm out of the house with the ghosts and demons of my past.

[TempSain]

Best of luck Future.

 

I want to hear back from you in 6 - 12 months and say something along the lines "My life is great. I don't regret getting a divorce one bit"

[seahorse]

Hi Future,

 

Glad to hear you're making out a little bit ok so far. The days and weeks to come will be strange, but I found that when my world hit rock bottom, (when hubby told me about his affair), that it was my work (also in education) and my kids that kept me halfway sane. There's nothing like throwing yourself into a hard day's work to make you too tired to think at night!

 

I agree with what TempSain posted too.

 

Good Luck,

 

Seahorse

[Future]

I found a new puppy yesterday, a black and white male Border Collie, that I'll pick up in about two weeks. I had to drive two hours to check him out but it was worth the drive. I asked the breeder to hold onto him until I get moved. I can't seem to tell you how seeing the the little varmint lifted my spirits. He'll give me something to look forward to with training him and having someone around the house so it won't feel so dead inside. Anyway, I've got everything packed up and ready to move this weekend. Close on the current house on Monday, close on the new house on Tuesday, and then I'll stay with my brother for about two weeks until the family moves out of the house at the end of the month. Things are keeping me busy and they are looking up. I still miss my other dogs but the new one will help with that. I'll keep you guys up to date on how things are going.

[TempSain]

Good to hear.

 

Keep it up and stay busy.

You definitely have done alot in the short time.

[Future]

I was cleaning out files on my computer this afternoon and it's simply amazing what people will put on a computer and never think anyone will find it. I found a file that my ex had that actually had an anniversary date several weeks before the bottom fell out of the marriage and I filed for divorce. I've said that all the women I'd talked to about it said that she was probably having an affair before the marriage exploded, and of course all the men said just the opposite. Well, her own writing confirmed that she already had an anniversary of some sort with the boyfriend. I don't know if that is the date they met, fooled around the first time, or if it was an actual anniversary of a year long affair. It doesn't matter too much to me other than I knew about the boyfriend after I filed. I just didn't know for sure how long it had been going on. So, hats off the the women who knew the real situation long before the guys ever expected it. Too bad I can't have a dinner party for all of you to introduce you to every woman I might ever ask out to get a read on them first. That would save me a few headaches in the future. At least I haven't lost my sense of humor through all this.

[TempSain]

Well, It sucks but at the same time, it will confirm the fact that the divorce was the right thing to do.

People can be so deceptive.

[future]

Closed on the sale of the house yesterday and moved out this afternoon. I hadn't gotten the last box in my car when the electricity went off. Anyway, it was bittersweet to leave a house that I had so much hope for when we planned it last year. Lost our rear-ends on the sale but at least the burden of a house full of rotten memories is finally over for me. Now its off to stay with my brother until I get into my new house next week. I'm looking forward to the move so I can finally get my life back on track. The people I work with are already trying to set me up with a few of their friends so things aren't as bad as they might seem.

[lawofopposites]

You built 2 houses in 5 years, wow that must of taken ALL YOUR TIME AND ENERGY not to mention your moods and having nothing round the house finished at the same time.

[Future]

Well it seems like its been forever since the judge said, "Divorce granted." I finally got moved out of the old house and into my new, much smaller, house. Picked up a new Border Collie puppy and he's doing great. There's not a thing in the house that he doesn't want to chew on. Anyway, I got somewhat depressed putting everything away this weekend. The overwhelming sense of disgust, that's the only word I can thing of to describe my emotional state, just won't go away. My ex called to get me to sign a title on a vehicle and for the first time in four months actually sounded normal. That doesn't erase all the screaming I was thinking while she asked me for my signature. Everyone said there'd be lousy days ahead and I guess this is one of them. Some of the people I work with are trying to get me to go out with some women that they know but I just don't want to at this point. Jumping out of one frying pan into another is not my idea of a good time anymore. I'm sure things will get better, I just wish they'd happen sooner rather than later. I wish I could adopt the attitude of my new puppy, he's got things under control.

[MuzicLuver]

I have not read all the other threads in response to your problem, but I have one thought.... you said she doesn't seek physical closeness to you and spends a lot of time with a divorced woman. Is your wife gay? It may sound ridiculous but I was married to a man for 12 years and just after our 12th anniversary, he informed me he was gay, had a gay affair 7 years earlier and had been frequenting adult book stores for gay materials. I didn't have a clue but everyone around me knew it (thanks for telling me!). It happens more than you know....and it's worth checking into. From what I read, it sure sounds like she might be hiding a part of herself from you.

[future]

If you scan the thread you'll find that my ex was having an affair before I ever filed for the divorce. I didn't find about the affair until after I'd already filed. Good thing I did but it doesn't take the anguish out of the process nonetheless whether you or your spouse is the one who filed. In hindsight, the divorce makes the entire marriage experience even more questionable. The good times you had suddenly are overshadowed by the deceit and abuse of the affair. Nothing can change that part and it just makes you feel like everything was just a farce.

[future]

I haven't posted for awhile about the ramifications of my divorce but several people asked me to update them so here goes. It's over three months since the divorce was finalized. Haven't had any contact with the ex except for a request for a copy of our IRS tax returns. When she asked she didn't even ask how was I doing or even to say anything about the dogs that I loved so dearly. Kick in the teeth was more like it. Anyway, I bought another house, even though it's nothing compared to the house we sold as part of the divorce decree. We lost our rearends on that and I'll never see the money ever again on that one. I did get a new puppy for companionship and he's doing great. He doesn't care one bit about my rotten year he just wants to play all the time. So, I play with him between working on renovating the house I bought. I've learned how to lay ceramic tile so I've redone my kitchen and dining room. I did a tile backsplash too and it looks really nice compared to the formica that was in the house. I've also repainted most of the interior, the people I bought it from were elderly and they painted the entire inside of the house pink. God what an awful color. Anyway, one more room and I'm done with the painting. I'm going to rip up the carpet in my living room at some point and redo it in part of ceramic tile and some carpet. Anyway, besides being Mr. Home Improvement, my weekends just suck. I get very depressed when I'm not busy doing something. During the week, work keeps me busy, projects on the weekend help but when I get tired and sit down, bang!!! I can't seem to get all of the marriage and divorce from popping into my head. Even when I try to go to sleep at night I sometimes lay there for what seems like an eternity just wondering what in the hell has happened to me. I sat in my computer room one Sunday morning and threw away 11 years of photographs of my ex, my marriage, my old dogs, etc. What simply amazed me was that I had pictures of my old Border Collies that when I still had the dogs the pictures were as precious to me as the dogs were. Now that they're gone with the ex-wife, I can't look at the pictures without feeling complete nothingness. I mean absolutely nothing. No sadness, no sentimental feelings, nothing at all. That is almost how I could sum up my emotional state right now in thinking about the last eight years I was married. Nothing but a numb feeling of how amazingly empty I am emotionally.

 

Well, I was hoping that at this point that things would be simply great but there not for me and the only thing I'm certain of is that I wouldn't give my right arm to have my ex back. That is one thing I'll never pine away thinking about. I guess I simply feel that I was used for the majority of the marriage and I have a difficult time even thinking about asking someone out. In fact I haven't even tried to meet anyone new even though it would probably do me a world of good. I guess I don't want to get zapped a second time. So, for now I work on my house, walk the dog, work on my house some more, and just ask the good lord to help me find a way out of the depression that I get into on the weekends. Well, that's that.

[izzybelle]

future, just happened to stumble across your post and read a little ways back. sorry it's been so tough for you. for a split second i thought you might be my ex... except i didn't have an affair. he's also a college prof. of grad students and well... he's marrying one of his "former" students next year. she wasn't quite in the "former" category when they started dating!!

 

your comments about your dogs really touched me. when i left i got custody of the cats he got the dog, we share the kids. don't get me wrong i love my cats but the dog was my baby, i was the one who came home from lunch every day to take care of her when she was a pup. when we got divorced the first few times i was anywhere near the dog, he would call her away and not even allow her to come and say hello. that hurt a lot. it was "his" dog and i wasn't allowed any where near her. he has since mellowed and most times he's not there when i pick up my kids so i get to play with the dog a little. i miss her, so i can understand how you feel. pets are like our kids too. i actually know someone who had a bit of a custody battle over a dal.

 

my divorce was final just about 2 years ago and the screaming has stopped. like you, i knew i wasn't ready to date anyone and it took me a long, long time to even think about it and when i did that ended terribly. they say you should wait until you get yourself settled and i do think that's good advice. the heart has to heal before it's open to letting someone in again. and even though i was the one who left, there still was a lot of healing to take place and i needed to focus on me.

 

i wish you luck. it will get easier in time, but for now enjoy your puppy and take care of yourself. do things that make you happy, i know that sounds simple but it's actually a lot harder than it seems, but in time, you'll feel more like yourself again. and i guess if any of us ever need someone to help with home improvements, we know who to call!

[future]

I promised everyone that I'd let them know how I'm getting along so here's the latest. My new pup is doing great and he goes running with me three miles every other day. He really enjoys it and I like having someone to run with. My life is much better today than I ever thought it would be at this point in time. I have more money than I've ever had before since I don't have someone spending it as soon as I make it. I haven't gone out on a date and I really haven't even tried to meet anyone. I kind of like spending time alone after eight years of pins and needles sticking me at a moments notice. I did have a cup of coffee with a woman someone told me I should meet. So I met the woman but I saw too much of my ex-wife in her to even consider a date with her. I realized that I'm much better off staying single and not looking than dating anyone who comes along just to "get back on my feet." I dreaded the holidays before they got here and I did think a lot of how lousy I felt from the after effects of the divorce. When they got here I did just fine and read a few books I had ordered online to kill the time. My attitude changed drastically after the new year got here. The gang I work with all tell me that I seem so much happier now than I did before the divorce. I've even been accused of being a very sociable person for the first time in years. I still think about how screwed up my life was when I was married and the pain and disgust of the divorce still rattle around in my head at times but it's nothing like the intensity of emotion I felt last summer. One strange thing though is that after I filed for the divorce I didn't remember ever having any dreams when I was asleep. Around the end of November, I started having actual dreams again and my sleeping became much more healthy. I wake up with a lot more energy than before and I don't feel any real depression or anxiety anymore. Every once in awhile I get kind of depressed but it only lasts for a day or so. I went through this kind of depression before I ever met my ex years ago so I don't worry about it. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the weather warming up in the spring so I can go play golf or go fishing. If I met someone now that'll be okay with me but they're going to have to hit me with a brick to get me to notice them because I don't even pay attention to anyone anymore. I'm happy just surviving the divorce with my sanity. My dog is now eight months old and we spend my time away from work playing tug or war or walking in the park. He never talks back to me and is grateful to see me when I come home for lunch. I think the most important hurdle I crossed was realizing how incredibly miserable my ex-wife must have been and how much I felt sorry for her. I didn't mourn the death of my marriage as much as I did her self-destructive behavior. I finally let go of the pain and negative energy she left me with and for that I'm a much better person. I'm doing okay and I hope that others will take heed that they'll survive their divorces too.

[future]

Almost nine months since the divorce was finalized. It was this time last year that things got really weird for me and culminated in the divorce filing. Since my last posting, the only strange stuff is that one of my ex-wife's friends suddenly stopped by my house one afternoon to "see how I was doing." My gut instinct was that she was spying on me. I felt very odd speaking to her because I didn't want to appear rude but I sure didn't want to tell her how happy things have been going for me this spring. About a week later, my ex calls me on a Saturday night to ask for a copy of our tax return from last year. She already asked for it last fall and so I definately felt like she was simply checking up on me. The women I work with all agreed with me. They said women always do this kind of nonsense and they were not surprised at all. That was several weeks ago. Anyway, I bought a second puppy so my little monster would have another dog to play with when I'm at work. They've gotten along really well together. I was also honored for teaching excellence by the students at my college. It was quite a surprise and hopefully things have finally turned around for me since the divorce. I haven't asked anyone out on a date but I don't really meet too many people other than students and that's a road I'm not going to take. Well, life is a lot better now and I'm planning a trip overseas in May. I still think about the marriage I had and how screwed up it was yet it seems a long time ago now.