Why do I have to play this stupid game?

[Rabid Ferret]

Howdy random person taking a look at this. I'm blowing off some steam here because it beats doing it somewhere that could mess up the apparently delicate game I'm supposed to be playing.

 

So I meet this girl through an online game as a friend of somebody I met a few days earlier. The new girl is quiet, but playful enough to goof around with me and her friend. I'm the shy type. I don't talk to girls party because so many of them come off as empty-headed dolts who hang around the nice guys until they get a tingle between their legs, then go and hop on top of the closest douche-bag that will ignore them.

 

I'm cynical. I won't hide that fact. I got fed up with rejection and being the single "nice guy who any girl would be lucky to have" every girl knew and kept firmly tucked into their friend zones years ago.

 

So anyway, me and this girl start hanging out in the game. I don't bother much with trying to get to know her too well because of the fact that so many girls in online games are guys, and the fact that thanks to the FPS gaming market, douche-bags have common ground to start dating all the nerdy gamer girls, too.

 

So it's been about nine months, and through getting to know her I'm pretty much starting to develop a major attachment. I'm not lying to myself, though. We've seen each others pictures, and heard each others voice, but never talked on the phone, and never met in real life. ( Although she does want me to meet up with her at a major social event in a few months. ) So I'm not careless enough to toss around stronger terms. We could clash completely in the real world.

 

The issue is that she's throwing out major "friend zone" signals. So it's a lost cause. And I'm still figuring out how to handle that mess. And that's where my irritation comes in.

 

I hate this dance. If I like a girl, I want to spend all my time with her, get to know her, see how much we have in common. But nooo~, I have to do the opposite. Or I get 'zoned.

 

In short, I hate the fact I have to pretend I don't like a girl to get her to like me.

 

This overly complicated game of mental chess is annoying. I don't want to spend a few days pretending to be busy so she will wonder if I forgot about her. I don't like passing on helping her out because I need to "establish that she is not that important". The idea of making plans with her to do something and breaking them to make her think I'm hanging out with other women hurts me. I don't like being manipulative.

 

I get the whole "women don't want men who openly offer that they can have them" bit. But do I seriously have to be a dismissive ass to get a girlfriend? Is it always going to be mind games? Am I wrong to want my girlfriend to be my best friend, too?

 

And every time I DID try this BS in the past, you know what happens? While I'm playing hard to get, Billy Thug comes along with a smirk and player charm, promises her the world for the privilege to stare into her beautiful eyes, nails the girl and leaves her. And that's the end of it. And now she's obsessed with him. I'm just not the type of jerk to do that to women. But being nice has me going on thirty years of being alone, dateless, and pretty pissy.

Edited September 13, 2011 by Rabid Ferret

[Rabid Ferret]

Still hung up on this girl, of course. Pretty miserable in the friend zone, she's always talking about her boyfriend these days. Last night me and her planned to hang out on the game we usually socialize in, and he shows up, gets jealous that she's not doing stuff with him, and logs out. She got bummed out and gave him a call and logged out a few minutes later.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. I think on some level random chance will favor her developing an interest in me. But man do I feel like a jerk for hoping these two would break up just so I could have a girlfriend as awesome as she is. Heck, the fact she's so devoted to him just makes her that much more awesome in my opinion.

 

Not to mention that it's not gonna happen. Me and her have a lot of fun and talk about everything, but that's the catch. Girls don't talk to guys they are interested in about everything. They don't want to drive them off by mentioning they have problems.

 

Of course that all goes back to my irritation at the fact I can't be best friends with the girl I end up with. This really sucks. I desperately need to start focusing on another girl, but that's the big "**** you" to me.

 

I'm attracted to girls who play RPGs ( and I mean stuff from the SNES era, not just "I played Dragon Warrior once when I was a kid!" ), are a lot shorter than me, have dark hair, glasses, are at least reasonably in shape, have a goofy sense of humor, are more "cute" than "sexy", values kindness over holding grudges, has no issue with acting like a kid sometimes, likes to go out, likes to stay home cuddled on the couch watching anime, doesn't hate me if I'm feeling down, has a certain sense of innocence and doesn't seem burned out by the world, doesn't hate the general public like I do, can handle the fact it's going to take a while for me to trust them completely not because they don't seem trustworthy, but because I have been burned time and time again and need to spend a lot of time with somebody to get past the worry they'll turn on me for the smallest reason.

 

This is somewhat specific.

 

And there's the problem. I don't come across girls like that every day. In my entire life, I have met two. I let the first go without telling her I liked her because she had a boyfriend. And now she's married to him. And this one now, I'm in the same boat. Can't tell her either. According to the "rules", I shouldn't tell a girl I have a crush on her anyway. Because showing interest is a damned sin.

 

Of course the doom timer has already started. The girl is moving in with her boyfriend in a couple of months. I'm going to have to end the friendship, then. I do not want to hear about their couple life. But I can't tell her not to talk about it because that negates my status as a friend and puts me in the "depressed acquaintance" category.

Edited September 22, 2011 by Rabid Ferret

[evagisele]

Hey Rabid Ferret (great name, by the way), I feel for you, I really do. I have a hard time making the first move, too. It’s frustrating.

 

It seems cliché, but I don’t think people should “settle” when it comes to finding the kind of partner they want. I think the key is to be yourself. Stick to that. It might take awhile, but the right person would be well worth the wait.

 

You mentioned that when you like a girl, you want to spend lots of time with her. Maybe they’re feeling smothered? Maybe they’re not necessarily devotees of the “The Rules,” but maybe they don’t like to start things out that intensely? I’m the kind of person who needs my space. I once dated a guy who wanted to spend all of his free time with me. That sounds sweet, but in reality, it annoyed the piss out of me. That’s just me

 

If you really like this girl, you could put yourself out there and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you would at least like a chance with her to see where it goes. (Waaaaay easier said than done, I know). You admit that you’re cynical about the “mental chess” of relationships. I agree that some of the so-called rules are stupid, but I also have to say that, personally, I like to have some kind of mental “dance” (not necessarily manipulative games) going on to build up the sexual tension. Cultivating some mystery can be a good thing.

[Rabid Ferret]

Hah, thanks. And yeah, that's my exact philosophy when it comes to dating. When I was younger I told myself I wasn't going to just leap into a commitment with the first girl that gave me the time of day. I was just going to focus on my own life and do my own thing. Eventually the right girl would come along and stuff would happen naturally.

 

I do get what you mean about having time to yourself, though. While I might want to hang out with a girl I like all the time, I understand how annoying it would be if I wasn't allowed to just relax and have my own time. This is a poor example, but it's the same reason I don't let the cat in my room all the time. I don't hate the cat. I like the cat. But sometimes I don't want the cat laying on me when I'm watching TV.

 

I think I'm just in a really bad mood today because that doom timer I mentioned decided to zero out early. This girl I like now is being forced to move out of her house, and her boyfriend is coming to save the day and move them in together by the end of the month.

 

Even if I did have the guts to tell her how I felt, she doesn't see me as anything but a friend now. All I would accomplish is making things awkward and losing a friend. Then again I don't know why I care about keeping her as a friend when I can't get over wanting to tell her how I feel. And I know she would feel hurt if she found out, because she'd blame herself for somehow "leading me on".

 

Plus the fact that I feel knots of jealousy tearing me up inside at the idea of her moving in with her boyfriend because it erases all doubt whatsoever that they are sleeping together means I am clearly screwed up in the head. Getting this attached to a girl I only know online, who hasn't even shown interest in me outside of sitting for hours together in a video game talking about common interests, it's obvious that she is better off without me talking to her. I'm being creepy and I hate myself for it.

Edited September 23, 2011 by Rabid Ferret

[Rabid Ferret]

I think I'm just going to stick to my original plan of ending it when I turn 30. There's really nowhere to go but down from here anyhow. I haven't been able to hold a job for longer than three months, and I haven't even managed to get a job for over a decade. My work history has a giant ten year gap of unemployment that any business will just spit at. They don't care about anything other than good looking applications.

 

And dating is a complete waste. I'm getting more and more miserable with each year of being alone. And any girl who shows interest will just be driven away by the flood of attention they get from me. And every time they leave because of it, I get more desperate.

 

Not to mention the fact I don't want a woman who is massively more experienced in dating than I am. I have no attraction to women who make me feel like I am the student and she is the teacher. And finding a woman as inexperienced as I am, who is as old as I am, is finding a woman who likely has as many mental issues as I do since she hasn't been dating by now either.

 

Girls who actually fit the right type are around a decade younger than me. I won't flirt with girls that young, I'd feel like I was hitting on my neice.

 

I want contact with real people, but everybody can tell how desperate I am for friends, and that scares them off. I want to feel loved, but that need has gotten so strong that no woman in their right mind would ever see me as anything but a guy she hopes will some day find somebody for himself.

 

I can't live the rest of my life like that. If something ever happens to my father, I will be homeless. There is nowhere else left to go. And I am not going to go live in a shelter and get some high stress low pay crap job just so I can live another day feeling like absolute garbage.

[evagisele]

"I think I'm just going to stick to my original plan of ending it when I turn 30."

 

Ending what? Your pursuit of this girl, relationships in general, or are you suicidal?

 

I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a chance. Have you thought of counseling to help you work through your issues? You owe it to yourself and others who would benefit from having your love in their lives.

[Rabid Ferret]

I would try to explain how I've ended up feeling like everything is so hopeless, but it really doesn't matter. Too many people talk about this sort of thing to get attention and pity, and that's not my goal.

 

I can't afford to go to any professional, and they would just tell me to take pills anyhow. And I tried that. And as a result after about six months of taking happy pills I ended up in the hospital getting my stomach pumped to get rid of the sleeping pills I overdosed on. And then was promptly stuffed into a mental institution for six months afterwards.

 

My 30th is nine months away, though. So it's not like I'll be doing anything soon.

 

I've been trying to give myself a chance for decades. Things just aren't going to happen for me. I'm just a burden on my family now.

 

( Boo hoo, I know. It's tiresome, isn't it? )

[Rabid Ferret]

I'm aware this isn't even in the right section anymore, but I don't want to make another thread to vent in. So I'll just keep it here.

 

I know I said it was inevitable, but it still hurts for it to happen. Over the last two days she's made excuses for us not to hang out online. Which I can figure is either one of two reasons.

 

The first and most likely is that the incident where her boyfriend got upset a couple of days ago ended in him asking her to spend less time with me, and she's trying to politely end our friendship or at least dial back the time we hang out a lot.

 

The second less likely scenario is that she's noticed how quiet I've gotten over the last couple of days, and is thinking I need time to myself and don't really feel like talking right now.

 

It doesn't really matter either way at this point. It's obvious that I'm going to have to tell her how I feel, then leave the door wide open for her to escape. But I can't do it right now. Even if the chance of her feeling anything but disgust at the idea is microscopically tiny, I don't want to risk that complication in her life when she's about to finally get her own place to live. She needs this step in her life.

 

I just don't know how to tell her when the right time comes. It needs to happen before her boyfriend inevitably proposes to her, though. And with the two of them moving in together, that could be extremely soon. She says she's not the type to get married quickly, but there's no predicting this kind of stuff.

 

I still feel ridiculous even having this problem. I know this girl in text alone. No conversations on the phone. No real life meetings. I have to wonder how I got here in the first place. Though I have a couple of theories.

 

She does match up to the type of girl I like, a lot. I've always been attracted to her type of humor, her type of intelligence, her type of looks, her type of attitude. I've been over those aspects countless times. It's not just a matter of infatuation for the sake of the fact that she's just the only girl I know who is nice to me.

 

Or so I wish I could one hundred percent believe.

 

I'm an extremely lonely guy who is desperate for that happiness everyone around me seems to have when they are with the person they love. Watching TV shows where the awkward weird guy finds love with some equally awkward weird girl angers me because it presents the idea that everyone finds somebody to be with.

 

I see people upset with their relationships and ask how they would feel if they never had a relationship at all in their life. Too many people think that when I say I've never found anybody that it means I've never had a relationship work out. But that's not the case. I have watched almost thirty years ( more realistically about twenty since those first ten years don't really count. ) worth of women casually glance in my direction and immediately turn around and walk the other way. I've never been on a date. I've never had a "girlfriend". I've never spent one moment of my life content and happy with a girl that I had feelings for.

 

It's for this reason that I can't say with one hundred percent certainty that I like this girl for who she is, and not just for how she's acted towards me.

 

Which is another reason it's hard to tell her anything. I could just be some lonely twit who acts like a stray dog who attaches itself to anybody who gives it a scrap of food.

 

I certainly can't stop thinking about her. Or wishing we could meet up in real life and see how well we get along, or even talk to her on the phone. But all of this stuff seems like things that should have already happened by now if she was interested at all in getting to know me better. But I could excuse all that away by saying her shyness in the real world is as bad as mine is.

 

And suggesting it now just seems like I would be trying to push our friendship into territory she wouldn't be comfortable with. She spends her nights talking to her boyfriend on the phone. Suggesting we do the same seems like I'm saying "Give me more attention."

[Rabid Ferret]

I flew into a huge rage this morning because some punk kid was trolling me online. I nearly broke my computer. I can't do this any more. The situation is stressing me out too much.

 

So I calmly wrote the girl and told her how I felt about her.

 

Not in a gushing "I must have you" way, but in a "If circumstances were different, I would have asked you out on a date by now" way.

 

It's not right of me to do this to her when her life is falling together. But I truly don't think I'm nearly as important as I've been assuming. I am just some guy she knows on the internet, after all. And I need to just resolve this situation now.

 

I'll just have to see how, and if, she responds later today.

[Rabid Ferret]

Well, she got the message. And she got upset and has stopped talking to me. Figures. This is what happens when I tell a girl I like them. There's no logical reason for me to assume telling a girl that I like her so much that it's depressing me because she doesn't like me is going to get any response other than "Yuck, go away.". But that's just how screwed up I am emotionally.

 

Known a girl for six months? A year? Two years? If I'm telling her I like her, that friendship turns to dust immediately. I'm just that worthless.

Edited September 24, 2011 by Rabid Ferret

[Marsil]

Hi,

 

When you say online, are you talking about an online game? Also, just give her some time, maybe she just needs to think about it for a bit. If she was your friend, then she just needs time to analyze your feelings for her. I know it is not cool and you were probably hoping for something else, but hey, maybe things will turn, you never know.

[Rabid Ferret]

Yeah. When we first met it was in an online game. Over the year that I knew her I never tried to open up any other lines of communication other than facebook.

 

And she got a message back to me. And I completely screwed up. While I was right in assuming she didn't even vaguely consider me as anything but a friend. In assuming she wouldn't want to talk to me after I told her I liked her, and saying I planned to leave her alone and go away, I made her upset. Apparently she loses friends a lot because they fall for her and get upset that she's not going to leave her boyfriend for them.

 

We had an awkward conversation, and she assures me we are still friends. And tells me I will find somebody someday.

 

I'm depressed as hell, but I've accepted that I was doomed to rejection from the start. The problem is that she's already starting to be less social. I've watched this happen before. The girl wants to stay friends, but I already dropped the bomb, and she doesn't want me getting the wrong idea. So she'll talk to me less, I'll take it as a sign that she's uncomfortable around me, and I'll get less social. And eventually all communication will end.

 

Whatever. None of this matters.

[Rabid Ferret]

I hate this whole scenario so much. I always do this. I make friends, I get along with them, but if they are a girl, I fall for them. And it ends the friendship every single time. I don't even know any more. I'm ending this thread, though. It's not serving any purpose outside of giving me somewhere to cry.

[Marsil]

Hi,

 

The reason I asked you if it was in a video games it is because I myself play alot of mmo and online games and I am also a girl so I can relate a little bit more to this story as this has happened to me before but from the other side, meaning Ive had guys tell me they had feelings for me and I've had to deal with the situation aswell. Look, the thing is not that there was zero feeling involved from my side, but it gets difficult because I automatically ask myself if it would work in real life, meaning is the guy ready? Is the guy really commited to this or are his feelings unreliable? It is hard to answer positivily to these questions when making an online relationship work in real life, then certainty must be solid. If she already has a boyfriend than thats another obstacle in her mind to making this with you possible. I am sure she at least considered it once and maybe there was too much in the way for it to be a real possibility in her mind. There is alot of guys who will stay stuff like that maybe hoping for some cybering and nothing more. I am not staying this is the case but it is hard for a girl to consider it when there are real life issues that are in the back. Like her having to move out. If she moving in with his is the only solution for her right now, it is a bit unfair to ask her not to. Has she seen a guy ready to make commitments in real life from you? Have you given her the impression you would be a potential good boyfriend when you talk to her? Or have you been negative about yourself with her?

 

P-S. Do you play wow?

[Rabid Ferret]

That was what made this situation just a depressing pain to begin with. Because I DID consider all the consequences of her showing anything but disgust at the idea that I liked her. It was the reason I didn't ever want to tell her. I knew she didn't want me as anything but a friend.

 

But I've had some horrible experiences in the past with not telling a girl I liked her, and ended up watching her fall in love with another guy and to this day she has no idea I secretly fell for her. And telling another girl I liked her, and being shot down but begged to stay as her friend, and then used as her personal sex diary, spending agonizing nights hearing about how she was meeting other guys she was interested in, and how good they felt inside her.

 

I don't know why I told this girl. It's crippled our friendship. I don't know what I expected to happen. Maybe I wanted her to tell me to get lost so I would have an excuse to stop worrying over her.

 

And I used to play WoW. But that was a long time ago when I could afford subscription-based games. These days I play poorly translated free to play korean MMOs.

[Rabid Ferret]

So yesterday was nothing but a huge dying flail on my part. I can't get past the fact that one week ago, I had a good friend who wanted to hang out with me in the real world, and now I have an awkward acquaintance who doesn't want anything more to do with me in the real world, but says she will always be there for me online.

 

I told her I needed a couple of days to clear out my head so I would stop dwelling on the fact I permanently crippled our friendship by handling things so poorly, and she showed no emotion, just said "Alright".

 

A few hours later, she posts something on her Facebook to the effect of "I can forgive, but I will never forget. I learn from my experiences and move on."

 

I'm thinking that I don't need to come back from this "break" I am taking. Her personality has taken a complete turn and she's not showing any sign of caring towards me as a friend at all. Whether it's because she's still trying not to give me the wrong idea, or she's just sick of me, or she's trying her damnedest to be strong and make me hate her instead of hating myself because she rejected me ... none of it matters. I think this can only get worse from here.

 

She told me she was tired of losing friends because they fell for her, and I assured her I wouldn't stop being her friend because of that. And I wouldn't. But the fact she's changed so much kills me. I can't stop dwelling on wanting things to be like they were before this happened.

 

Is dropping all communication probably the best idea? This question isn't directed to anybody that replied in particular, just anybody who is reading this and has dealt with this sort of thing. Even if you were on the other side of it.

 

I feel like my head is clear when I say I need to just leave and not say anything else, but I can't trust my own judgement.

Edited September 26, 2011 by Rabid Ferret

[Marsil]

Hi! Well I think you should always trust your first instict and think about yourself first. To hell with her! If she had guys fell before for her continously then maybe its because she is a S*&T and says things on purpose or acts a certain way. Maybe she likes the attention she gets then she backs off when she gets what she wants. If I were you I would just tell her to get lost and turn your attitude around. You sound like a good guy. Just go for what you want, always. Dont let this bad experience change you. If anything, just learn from it and move on. If u were playing wow we could of talk live instead of these forums.

[Rabid Ferret]

Yeah. This wouldn't be the first time I fell in with a girl who only wanted me around because I boost her ego. I just wish I wasn't so prone to falling for it. Especially since one of my biggest peeves is women who continuously fall for guys who just use them to boost their own ego.

 

At least they get to have sex, though. I just get used like an emotional toilet and tossed out when ... okay, bad example.