Loved&Lost Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 So my situation is really complicated. So complicated that I'm completely messed up in my head. Me and my ex have been in a relationship for 5 years. We've been having lot of problems due to resentment in both of us, because of things that happened in the past. Since we broke up a couple of months ago my ex has been indecisive, he can't seem to just let me go. He asked for me back and I was stupid enough to accept, but as all the problems came back and I truly was just angry with him all the time he asked if we could just be FWB. He told me he does not want a girlfriend right now but he's not into casual sex with strangers either. At first I told him no way, and for him to just forget about it. Then he asked if that means that it's over for good. He told me we had NOT broken up and that he needs some time to think about things. One night I just couldn't handle being in the grey zone anymore so I asked him what I am to him. He replied "a friend...". I told him to just forget about it as I had told him that I can't handle being his friend right now. He again asked to be friends with benefits. I told him that I need some time. I have really thought about it and I would like to give it a try. I love having sex with him, that's basically what this is all about. It's the friends thing that I will have a problem with since I'm so angry at him. While I was his girlfriend I was mostly just angry with him because he didn't give me what I expected to get from a boyfriend, and I didn't give him any benefits of being in a relationship either. So we talked about the FWB-thing and established some ground rules, he kept saying that if I find someone that I want to be with then I should just go for it. He also told me he does NOT want a girlfriend and he will NOT hook up with anyone else and he will NOT get another FWB either. What do you think? Do you really think he doesn't want anything more, or does he simply not want to lose me? I mean, he basically told me he would be committed to me, but without the boyfriend title. I told him to do whatever, but I won't want to sleep with him if he hooks up with anyone else since I don't want any STD's. Any men out there who could give me their perspective? Link to post Share on other sites
Rabid Ferret Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 To me, any situation where a guy is asking for FWB after being told "No" is a situation where the guy no longer cares about what the person he wants to sleep with is feeling. And just sounds like he wants a source of sexual release without the complications of a relationship while he works his game together for another go at the market when he feels like it. Personally I wouldn't go for it. If you can't help but develop feelings for the guy. Then still sleeping with him won't do any good in keeping you from having them come back. At least the guys I've known usually won't be subtle and try to keep somebody they secretly want to keep around in that situation. They would just be straightforward and say "Yes I want to be with you." Those guys tend to take who they want and take what they can get from who they can't have. I know a lot of jerks, though. So my views might not be the most valid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loved&Lost Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 Thanks for your reply. This is why I really don't get this situation. Since it is not normal to go from being in a relationship to being FWB. Mostly I would just assume that the guy is being a jerk and simply wants all the benefits of being in a relationship without any of the obligations. This is not the case with this guy though, he desperately wants to keep on being friends. He asked for me to either be his friend or then FWB. I have a problem with the friend part in both cases. Not because I have strong feelings for him, but because I can't seem to get along with him. It's a problem I have. This is not a case where all he wants is sex, in fact, when we were together I wanted sex more than he did. It's all so confusing.. Link to post Share on other sites
mixwell Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 So from what I read be basically is saying that he doesn't want a relationship but still wants to nail you. What he's doing is basically keeping you as the back up plan until he finds another hole to stick his junk in. The bad thing if you choose to sleep with him is that you will get a false sense of reconciliation and get comfortable with sleeping with him like you did as his g/f. One day you will call him and mention FWB and meeting up and he will say "I can't, I'm seeing someone else" and this whole time you've been his personal masturbation object and he will most likely disregard you and persue this new relationship and then you'll realize that FWB was a bad idea and only gave him a cushioning while looking for the next female. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loved&Lost Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 I totally hear what you're saying. The thing is though, he is not the only one getting the thing he wants here. I get the "benefits" as much as he does. I have the option of meeting another guy too and hooking up with him. Being a woman doesn't automatically make me the victim and him being a man doesn't automatically make him an a-hole. Link to post Share on other sites
mixwell Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I'm not saying you or him are wrong for wanting sex, it's natural but unless you really think you can seperate your feeling for just a physical thing then it's not a good idea.. Usually in FWB in an ex relationship one accepts FWB because that's the closest they can get to that old relationship or if you're friends to start with one of the participants starts developing feelings beyond a FWB relationship and when they bring it up it makes the whole situation weird. Bottom line I say go for it it ONLY if you're sure you can keep your feelings out of the FWB connection but if you have any doubt then I would skip it. Keep in mind also if he dumped you and asked for FWB he's most likely just trying to use you until the next female comes along and if that's okay with you then go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loved&Lost Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 When we were together, I had all of this pressure on me to try to "fix" everything that was wrong with our relationship so that we could be happy in the future. It only lead to more heartache. You're right on one thing, I still want us to work on some level or else I wouldn't even consider this. I don't know what he wants though, does he feel the same way that I do, or is he REALLY just looking for comfort until he's ready to meet someone new? I can't know for sure, and there's no way I could ask him that and having him being honest with me. I'm taking a huge risk here with this whole thing, but so might he be. If he REALLY doesn't want a relationship at all, then I will probably move on way before he does. Only time will tell. I'm willing to take a chance to see if I could enjoy this. This could be a fun experience, but it could also be a complete disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
mixwell Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Well only you can decide what you think is in your better interest but don't be surprised to find out one day he's suddenly seeing someone. More times then not FWB just doesn't work out without someone getting attached.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loved&Lost Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 Thank you for your replies. I will keep that in mind. If I get too attached, I will end it. Link to post Share on other sites
othersideofthepillow Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 PLEASE DO NOT BECOME FWB with this guy. After reading all your posts, and reading the advice that others are giving you, you seem to listen to about half of it. Its very apparent that you have FEELINGS for this guy and IF indeed you can deal with him leaving at the drop of the hat than you have nothing to lose. Also, you said "if i get to attached, I will end it" - often times that realization never happens until HE/SHE ends it and your left holding the bag....your the one who feels used....like you should have ended it so you could have saved face. These are only my opinions though - my ex (2 1/2 months single) asked me if i wanted to have sex with her. i said yes i do, but we are broken up and cant. there have been times that she has asked since than, and i have said no. why let them leave you and than get to have sex with you whenever they want ....have their cake and eat it too!!!!!???? as bad as you may want the sex (and i really did - it was great) - it ALMOST NEVER WORKS OUT...but thats just my opinion Link to post Share on other sites
Lorelai Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 Or you become attached, try to end it, and they say they want more... when they really don't want more, they just don't want to lose the nookie. Seriously, oxytocin is a very evil chemical when it comes to women and FWBs. The better the sex is, the more oxytocin released, which means the more we bond to the person who we associated with the warm fuzzy hormone. If you even can see the possibility of getting back together in your head at ALL, you don't need to be FWB with an ex. Link to post Share on other sites
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