Author ThreeLegDog Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 If you make it to couples MC are you going to hit her with the bag of lingere question? it would be interesting to see her response. While I agree it would be interesting, I don’t think it would be helpful. I’ll play it by ear. Current status: Just returned from a weekend away spent with my family. (It was a sister’s big 50th birthday.) I got some time alone to think about things and plan strategies. W got to spend the weekend alone with our son and got to see what single parenting and running the house alone is like. (I’ve essentially been doing this for about 6 months now, while she “travels for work”.) I am totally concentrating on working on myself. I am not remaking myself to get W “back”, but to feel good about me, learn from mistakes and prepare for the future. I have lost 13lbs (halfway to my goal weight) – yay me! Also, I have stopped drinking (probably helps with the weight issue) – double yay me! I am also looking forward to liquidating a house full of antiques and the house itself. I sure would like to be solvent again and out from under a mountain of soul-crushing debt. Link to post Share on other sites
Lis007 Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 While I agree it would be interesting, I don’t think it would be helpful. I’ll play it by ear. Current status: I am totally concentrating on working on myself. I am not remaking myself to get W “back”, but to feel good about me, learn from mistakes and prepare for the future. I have lost 13lbs (halfway to my goal weight) – yay me! Also, I have stopped drinking (probably helps with the weight issue) – double yay me! Good on you! Well done! Sorry i dont have anything insightful to say I am also working on myself and trying not to focus on 24 years together with my husband falling to pieces. When its all you have known its so hard to move on as everyone says you should. No contact doesn't work because with kids I find we have to be in contact so regularly. Sounds like you are doing well! Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Sometimes, there are just people who have such deep seeded issues they have never dealt with - it will happen no matter what. However, most of the time there are deep seeded RELATIONSHIP issues that have piled up over the years and been ignored ----the person cheating sees no other way out -- as wrong as it may be. The term is "deep seated", if you really want to sound professional. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 Good on you! Well done! Sorry i dont have anything insightful to say I am also working on myself and trying not to focus on 24 years together with my husband falling to pieces. When its all you have known its so hard to move on as everyone says you should. No contact doesn't work because with kids I find we have to be in contact so regularly. Sounds like you are doing well! Thanks for the kind words. Not sure if I would say I am doing "well", but I am trying to develop coping mechanisms and head for the light at the end of the tunnel. I've read some of your posting too and I wish you well in your path, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 My W (STBx?) and I had a “talk” last night. I learned all the things that I did that forced her to have an affair: - I gave her no sex for years - I hit on her friends - I had an emotional affair with an OW - I listen to music you can’t dance to - I stay at home all the time, reading and hanging out, never giving her any alone time - I look at porn There were probably some more things I did, but I can’t remember them right now. She continued with the script, saying that she “needed space to get away to sort things out”. She talked about wanting to rent a room in the neighborhood in order to both “get a private space away“ and be near our son. As the talk went on, she modified this to “let’s move slowly – maybe I will first move into another room in the house.” I listened. When I caught myself defending or explaining, I stopped. I kept repeating that if her happiness is to be found away from me and/or with the OM, I am 100% behind her. We will work on marriage dissolution, etc. I also said that if she wanted to work on things with me, she needs to not see OM and work with me on a plan. (I’m pretty sure this option will not work, but I want to offer it.) Little steps. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 My W (STBx?) and I had a “talk” last night. I learned all the things that I did that forced her to have an affair: I listened. When I caught myself defending or explaining, I stopped. I kept repeating that if her happiness is to be found away from me and/or with the OM, I am 100% behind her. . ok, whether her list is true or not NOBODY forces anyone else to have an affair! please don't buy that BS... 100% behind her? don't worry about her happiness now, worry about your own... be 100% behind you and your child having a great life, that's a choice you can make RIGHT NOW! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 Andy: Agreed. I am working on myself, cranking up the "me stuff". Lost 15lbs so far on the Divorce Diet. I am connecting with some friends and filling the schedule with things that are fun for (1) me and (2) me and my son. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Andy: Agreed. I am working on myself, cranking up the "me stuff". Lost 15lbs so far on the Divorce Diet. I am connecting with some friends and filling the schedule with things that are fun for (1) me and (2) me and my son. good, and if she is still insisting that you "forced her" tell her goodbye... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 Update: Today was a good day and a bad day. The Good: Went to consult with a lawyer this morning. I got /major relieved/. In the state in which I reside, the two things the state cares about are fair and equitable division of estate, and “residential time” for my son. My wife makes 2x what I make, so that’s cool. I am also running the household while she travels. Cool + 2. The state does not care who f’d who when, where, blah blah blah. My STBX cannot damage me with threatening 10+ old data. The Bad: My inner PI got the better of me and I poked around and found New Year’s pics of her and OM (she was supposed out partying with “the girls”). I was at home at the time starting a new job in order to secure insurance for the family. Other photos were found… ah well… More Bad: Those of you with WS who have iPhones, do not install and enable “Find My iPhone” on your WS’ iPhone unless you want to drag yourself thru hell. I know to the block where my STBX is right now, and that implies quite a bit. More Good: I worked out tonight. Felt good after. I’m still on track to hit my goal weight. Opened a bottle of Leonetti Cab 1998. I figured this is the kind of celebration I was saving it for in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Update: Today was a good day and a bad day. The Good: Went to consult with a lawyer this morning. I got /major relieved/. In the state in which I reside, the two things the state cares about are fair and equitable division of estate, and “residential time” for my son. My wife makes 2x what I make, so that’s cool. I am also running the household while she travels. Cool + 2. The state does not care who f’d who when, where, blah blah blah. My STBX cannot damage me with threatening 10+ old data. The Bad: My inner PI got the better of me and I poked around and found New Year’s pics of her and OM (she was supposed out partying with “the girls”). I was at home at the time starting a new job in order to secure insurance for the family. Other photos were found… ah well… More Bad: Those of you with WS who have iPhones, do not install and enable “Find My iPhone” on your WS’ iPhone unless you want to drag yourself thru hell. I know to the block where my STBX is right now, and that implies quite a bit. More Good: I worked out tonight. Felt good after. I’m still on track to hit my goal weight. Opened a bottle of Leonetti Cab 1998. I figured this is the kind of celebration I was saving it for in the first place. good for you in feeling better... you got a taste of the benefits and drawbacks of having info... the benefit is that you got info from your lawyer which cleared some questions in your mind... the drawback is that you got a little bit too much info about your wifes affair, you know enough about that already, try not to dig any deeper on that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 A quick status update: stbX is on another "business trip", partying in another state/town with her girlfriends and OM for the last 4 days. My son and I have been spending quality time together. She calls today to warn me that she might not make it back in town for our previously scheduled MC meeting this week. (Great - more quality time for me and my son.) I give her MC's contact info and tell her to reschedule if she wants to. Got legal docs from my lawyer starting the dissolution/divorce process. The gravity of reading the docs hits me hard, but I am resolved. Filling out the forms now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 Tomorrow I am filing dissolution of marriage paperwork. StbX is still out of town on "business trip". (Extended, as she was supposed to return tonight.) I need advice here, as I am too close to this issue to have clear thinking. StbX does not know I am filing. My options here are (1) tell her that I have done so when she gets home or (2) let her find out on her own when she receives her copy of the paperwork. My concern here surrounds her behavior upon finding out. There may be property damage, taking things that are either high-value or important to me, draining the bank account, etc. Any words of wisdom here? Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 If the things you are talking about are things that are yours, move them to a storage area or friends. Open a new account in your name and move your half of the money. I'm sorry, I cannot remember where you are so i don't know if it is no-fault and divided evenly. If it will be divided evenly, go ahead and move your 1/2 out of the joint accounts and into one of your own. If she still has access to the house, I don't think you can block her (at least here I couldn't), so you may want to ask the attorney what to do about the things in the house. We agreed before filing. If you decide to tell her or whether you let her get served, do these things first. If you think she will come in and destroy the house, good Lord, I don't know. I have not had to deal with that. So sorry for you having to deal with this. I know some others will have some good ideas for you. Keep your chin up; this will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
teerockness Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Wow. All I can say is, you've managed to condense the process most of us have gone through (denial, suspicion, more denial, confirmation, agonized decision, fallout, dissolution, reckoning, moving on, etc.) and which normally takes some guys years down to... 7 days? Light speed, man! I guess it's good to see somebody moving on so quickly, and seemingly taking some positive steps in their life so quickly as well. Should i infer that maybe you were also similarly dissatisfied with the relationship? TR Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) Oh man, it seems like months have passed to me. Just 7 days? (edit: it's actually been 16 days since D-Day) Maybe I should slow down on this thing. I expected W to be home by now and we would discuss an amicable plan and work together on this. Even with all that she is done, I owe it to my son to make any final separation as smooth as possible. Was I dissatisfied? Oh sure. But I didn't have an affair. Edited September 28, 2011 by ThreeLegDog Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Tomorrow I am filing dissolution of marriage paperwork. StbX is still out of town on "business trip". (Extended, as she was supposed to return tonight.) I need advice here, as I am too close to this issue to have clear thinking. StbX does not know I am filing. My options here are (1) tell her that I have done so when she gets home or (2) let her find out on her own when she receives her copy of the paperwork. My concern here surrounds her behavior upon finding out. There may be property damage, taking things that are either high-value or important to me, draining the bank account, etc. Any words of wisdom here? Yep. Firstly before you confront her set your self up with a voice activated recorder. Please do this or justa micro recorder set to record the whole time. Probably all hell is going to break loose, you must be calm. If she however starts to break stuff hit you etc, you must not react. It's not been unknown for women to call the police and blame it all on the husband. RECORD, RECORD RECORD Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 If the things you are talking about are things that are yours, move them to a storage area or friends. Open a new account in your name and move your half of the money. I'm sorry, I cannot remember where you are so i don't know if it is no-fault and divided evenly. If it will be divided evenly, go ahead and move your 1/2 out of the joint accounts and into one of your own. If she still has access to the house, I don't think you can block her (at least here I couldn't), so you may want to ask the attorney what to do about the things in the house. We agreed before filing. If you decide to tell her or whether you let her get served, do these things first. If you think she will come in and destroy the house, good Lord, I don't know. I have not had to deal with that. So sorry for you having to deal with this. I know some others will have some good ideas for you. Keep your chin up; this will get better. Great advice with the money, cancel all joint credit cards if you haven't done so already. Cancel her cell phone if you are paying for it. If you have anything othat's yours and of any sentimental value take it to a friend or a safety deposit box. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Ohh and pack her stuff in boxes and leave them in the hall. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 (edited) I have delayed filing until stbx is back in town. (She has been gone 12 days now. Very little contact – 1 IM session, 1 phone call. She hasn't even called to check on or talk to our son. I guess in addition to not wanting to be a wife, she doesn’t want to be a mom either.) I threw out 2+ decades of birthday/anniversary/xmas/father’s day/Valentine ’s Day/”I love you” cards this morning. (I am a bit of a packrat for sentimental items, and sometimes would open that box and reminisce about past good times.) I cried a bit while doing this. On the up side, I found a good book: “Getting Past Your Breakup”. Five star average review at Amazon? OK, I’ll bite. Edited October 2, 2011 by ThreeLegDog typo Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 StbX does not know I am filing. *SNIP* Any words of wisdom here? Here's some wisdom; lose the 'shock-n-awe/bomb dropping' mindset and proceed with filing in a straightforward manner. Look at the circumstances; would it serve you better to tell her first, or be served out of the blue? Would doing so bring her trouble or embarrassment at work, or is that truly the best place for her to get the documents? You'll be way better off in the long run if you mentally train yourself to resist punishing her. The facts are, the less you have to do with her the more she'll feel the consequences. If you do suspect a physical/emotion/financial reaction from her, make sure you have a friend or two along when you see her. I know of one friend that asked a police officer to go home with him, fearing his wife's reaction to being served. It was a great call; she freaked anyway and the off duty officer saw everything. From that point on, his case sailed. I have delayed filing until stbx is back in town. (She has been gone 12 days now. Very little contact – 1 IM session, 1 phone call. She hasn't even called to check on or talk to our son. I guess in addition to not wanting to be a wife, she doesn’t want to be a mom either.) I threw out 2+ decades of birthday/anniversary/xmas/father’s day/Valentine ’s Day/”I love you” cards this morning. (I am a bit of a packrat for sentimental items, and sometimes would open that box and reminisce about past good times.) I cried a bit while doing this. She's deep in affair fog and her lack of concern for anything (besides money) or anyone (besides herself) isn't surprising; it's common. You wonder who this person is. She wonders why she didn't change sooner. The rush she's feeling is short lived and worse, comes at your expense. As for the sentiments, don't feel bad about feeling bad. You love her. Remind yourself her decisions have led to this, and do everything in your power to not make a bad situation worse. Let her go. She's already gone. I used this mantra when my ex was pulling the same stuff: She refused to make the pain go away, so I went away from the pain. Only a memory now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 It's less of a "shock and awe" thing and more of an in-person courtesy thing. Like a "treat others as you want to be treated." (Kind of ironic that I would still care about that concept in these circumstances.) Thanks for the mantra. I have added it to my ever-growning list of Great Quotes I have read here on LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 When is she due back? Personally, I don't see value in waiting any longer in filing. All this is doing is prolonging and dragging your pain out. Have her served while she's WITH OM...that's always a nice touch, garuanteed to ruin their fun time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 When is she due back? Personally, I don't see value in waiting any longer in filing. All this is doing is prolonging and dragging your pain out. Have her served while she's WITH OM...that's always a nice touch, garuanteed to ruin their fun time. She just scheduled a joint meeting with our financial guy and me for Wed, so I am assuming... Wed. Nice touch on serving with OM present, but alas they are both several states away. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 It's less of a "shock and awe" thing and more of an in-person courtesy thing. Like a "treat others as you want to be treated." (Kind of ironic that I would still care about that concept in these circumstances.) It isn't ironic, it's encouraging. It also displays self-confidence, loyalty, strength and most of all love. None of these for her, but for you. IMO, this mindset will serve you very well through the process. Thanks for clarifying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) Stbx is back in town. She got back yesterday morning -- didn't even tell me her flight plans, arrival time, etc. I had already written and sent her an email (txt and email seem to be her preferred routes of communication right now) laying down my boundaries, not giving her N number of days/weeks/months to straddle the fence, etc. Basically, my own modified version of the "Let Them Go" speech. She showed up out of the blue at my work office yesterday morning. She was kind of teary, crying... We talked for a bit. I held my line and boundaries. We talked about the work involved in liquidating the house and its contents, minimizing effects on our son, etc. Last night she was back in typical form -- saying stuff like "You need to acknowledge your part in this", "You didn't do <fill in the blank> so I had to go to someone else." This kind of blame-the-victim cr*p where I get beat up is getting rather boring to me. I said that nothing I have done in the past justifies what she has done, and continues to do. I tell her that the gateway to reconciliation requires her to go to MC and stop seeing the OM. Stbx fumes and goes to bed. This morning she says "OK, I'll stop seeing OM". I ask her if she will call him right now and tell him that in front of me. She says No, she has to warn him first that she is going to do this. I say "Pfft" and head off to take my son to school and me to work. I get final docs from my lawyer tomorrow. I will attempt personal service of the papers. If she doesn't sign, I will fall back to formal service. Edited October 5, 2011 by ThreeLegDog 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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