Steadfast Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Last night she was back in typical form -- saying stuff like "You need to acknowledge your part in this", "You didn't do <fill in the blank> so I had to go to someone else." This kind of blame-the-victim cr*p where I get beat up is getting rather boring to me. I said that nothing I have done in the past justifies what she has done, and continues to do. I tell her that the gateway to reconciliation requires her to go to MC and stop seeing the OM. Stbx fumes and goes to bed. This morning she says "OK, I'll stop seeing OM". I ask her if she will call him right now and tell him that in front of me. She says No, she has to warn him first that she is going to do this. I say "Pfft" and head off to take my son to school and me to work. I get final docs from my lawyer tomorrow. I will attempt personal service of the papers. If she doesn't sign, I will fall back to formal service. I know it may not seem like it, but you're taking the best possible route to save your marriage. The only other possibility would to completely agree with her; "You're right. I understand your thoughts and feelings on the matter. It is not fair to either of us to stay in a marriage when one partner is attracted to or wants to be with someone else. This marriage is over." That way, you are removing her one last stronghold; her assumption that you are standing between her and her happiness. It also removes the possibility that (if you did stay together) she'll look back and say you tricked/guilt/pressured her into staying with you. Or that she did it for you. A man wants a woman's love. Not her pity or sense of obligation. Ideally, you want her coming back with a complete, heartfelt apology and a ironclad promise to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work. The hard part in that isn't the saying, but the doing. Few can, few do, few will...or will want to. At any rate, without at least that, you have nothing. Stay the course and bravo. Watch for the tears...she'll try to manipulate you with them. Even the strongest mindset can be melted by the tears of a woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wheream_i Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Tough news about the lingerie, that must have cut deep. Fodder for those mind movies that you're probably struggling with anyways. God, no kidding, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Beeb Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Please see my thread called "Losing the love of my Life", I think you might see some light in your situation. I realize this is an older post and that things might be different now but maybe my ways of thinking can help you out a little. (I hope) I like to help people and am in a similar situation. (Kind of) Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 This morning she says "OK, I'll stop seeing OM". I ask her if she will call him right now and tell him that in front of me. She says No, she has to warn him first that she is going to do this. I say "Pfft" and head off to take my son to school and me to work. . Excellent work, your 'kung fu' is now better than hers!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 This morning she says "OK, I'll stop seeing OM". I ask her if she will call him right now and tell him that in front of me. She says No, she has to warn him first that she is going to do this. I say "Pfft" and head off to take my son to school and me to work Women fitness test men all the time, she was testing you big time with this. Suddenly you are standing up for your boundaries and yourself, she wants to see how far she can push you before you give in. So yes as steadfast says, expect tears and more. Keep handling it calmly and firmly and she will begin to respect you more. This was no more than a fake reconciliation, if you stand firm you will see a change in her. If she truly wants to reconcile she will walk over broken glass to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Totally agreed. You handled that PERFECTLY! Hold your ground, do what you need to do. It's got to feel good to be taking the power back into your own hands! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 [...] If she truly wants to reconcile she will walk over broken glass to be with you. Agreed. This post from homebrew is saved in my "Good Quotes" folder: If your Ex truly wants you back and really wants to be with only you… They will be very much like they were when they first met or started to have feelings for you! They will be single, they will pursue you, they will be sincere, they will be genuine, they will be open, they will be honest, they will make themselves available to you, they will call, text, email and communicate with you like they did before, they will initiate, they will make you a priority, they will make plans with you, they will talk about a future with you, they will want to see you and be with you like they did before, they will want to share and be a part of your life, they will gladly remove or climb over any roadblocks or obstacles that are standing in the way, they will be persistent, they will fight for you, they will put forth the work and the effort that is needed, what they say will also be consistent with their actions, they will do whatever is necessary, they will give it their all and their very best! If your Ex is not doing all of the things I listed above… Your Ex is does not want you, your Ex is not interested in you and your Ex is not trying to get back together with you! Link to post Share on other sites
Lis007 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 How do you walk over broken glass? I like the quote but on one hand we say No contact and on the other we say if people want to reconcile they will walk over broken glass. So what are we supposed to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 How do you walk over broken glass? I like the quote but on one hand we say No contact and on the other we say if people want to reconcile they will walk over broken glass. So what are we supposed to do? No contact means no contact with the affair partner. Technically, that would be part of the "broken glass"...in other words, a painful part of the choices that the WS has to make in order to stand any chance of reconciliation. What do WS's need to do? Choose. One or the other. End the relationship with the one they don't choose...irrevocably, forever. Stick to that choice. If the choice is to reconcile, then they also own rebuilding the damaged trust and love between them and the person that they betrayed. If the choice was to be with the affair partner...then proceed with the divorce and free the person you betrayed to remove you from their lives and let them heal and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Congrats on knowing what you want, equipping yourself to accomplish those goals, and having the resolve to follow through. Keep your interests and your son's interests foremost and you'll come out okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 It's been almost 4 weeks since my saga began. Today, stbx and I went to the MC that she finally got around to making an appt with. Stbx was very surprised when I would not let the session degenerate into a b*tch session about me. I kept holding the line, saying that I would not discuss anything about fixing our relationship or marriage until she agreed to stop seeing OM. Repeated many times that nothing I had done in the past justified her having an affair. I kept repeating that if she wanted to work on the marriage, she needed to stop seeing OM. Much drama, history revision and name-calling ensued. Stbx apparently had been drinking prior to our appt (alcohol on breath, I know the smell) but she denied it. When it finally dawned on stbx that I had started the filing process (I had previously told her in an email Monday, reminded her at the meeting with our financial guy on wed) all hell broke loose. Many threats ensued (calling the police on me for imagined things, making the D process a “fight”, etc.). Everything was blamed on me, of course. In the end, I said “I don’t understand why you are upset. You have what you want – freedom to go with the OM and be happy, have passion in your life. Well, go get him and have fun.” She did not like hearing that, for sure. Man, this sux. I want the woman gone and out of my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 It's been almost 4 weeks since my saga began. Today, stbx and I went to the MC that she finally got around to making an appt with. Stbx was very surprised when I would not let the session degenerate into a b*tch session about me. I kept holding the line, saying that I would not discuss anything about fixing our relationship or marriage until she agreed to stop seeing OM. Repeated many times that nothing I had done in the past justified her having an affair. I kept repeating that if she wanted to work on the marriage, she needed to stop seeing OM. Much drama, history revision and name-calling ensued. Stbx apparently had been drinking prior to our appt (alcohol on breath, I know the smell) but she denied it. When it finally dawned on stbx that I had started the filing process (I had previously told her in an email Monday, reminded her at the meeting with our financial guy on wed) all hell broke loose. Many threats ensued (calling the police on me for imagined things, making the D process a “fight”, etc.). Everything was blamed on me, of course. In the end, I said “I don’t understand why you are upset. You have what you want – freedom to go with the OM and be happy, have passion in your life. Well, go get him and have fun.” She did not like hearing that, for sure. Out of curiosity, did the MC take any role in guiding or facilitating your session at all, or was he/she just a fly on the wall to all of this? Did the threat to call the police for imagined acts happen in front of the MC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Out of curiosity, did the MC take any role in guiding or facilitating your session at all, or was he/she just a fly on the wall to all of this? Did the threat to call the police for imagined acts happen in front of the MC? Yes, the threats to call the police occurred in the MC's office. (<sigh> I collect firearms, and the stbx raised the spectre of me using them in anger. In the 29 years of our relationship, I have never raised a finger in anger. This was grandstanding by stbx for the MC.) I said that I would secure these items out of the house while the D plays out. MC pretty much just watched the stbx show. MC's only added value was her asking "So, how are you going to break the news to your son." Zero responsibility taken by stbx, zero remorse shown by stbx, all blame heaped on me. Pretty much what I expected. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 They always threaten to call the police. It's like there's a walk away wife handbook or something 1 Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Great line telling your wife to go be happy with om.. Keep posting you are an example to some of the other bs posting on here. Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Start carrying a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you. Your wife has threatened to call the cops on you. Protect yourself. You may want to buy a few and hide them around the house. Or a hidden camera. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 I'm going to need some advice on coping skills here. Stbx has adopted a "war and scorched earth" stance now, saying that I pushed her to be so by starting the D filing process. So far this morning I have responded to her attempts to "talk" by saying "I don't want to talk about this right now - I need time to think." But she is walking around the house, muttering all sorts of Bad Things that she is either going to set in motion, or will befall me for my "rash, knee-jerk decision to file", or whatever. I have recorded some threats, but what can I do to not engage (or further enrage, although I understand she has to own this) in this dialog with her? It's kind of hard to not defend myself against so many false accusations. It's too bad that OM is several states away. If he were local, I would expect her to go shack up with him. Then I would get some quiet time for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 That has been one of hardest things for me to do. My stbxh and I still live in the same house and he does the same thing. Actually, now he is more likely to ask me every day if I will stay with him, but I do not want this anymore. At the beginning of this, 5 months ago, I would have responded to his pleas, but I have decided I could never trust him again, so I am not staying and have filed. It is extremely hard to not respond. I do my work online from the living room and he generally is in the den. For weeks, he came and sat in the lr while I worked and told me over and over it was my fault that he turned to another woman (I think this one was an EA..but there is other stuff, too if you have read my thread). I, too, have been married for 22 years. Some days I could just ignore him, but most often, I got up and went to my bedroom and shut the door, taking my work with me, until he would leave the room. Like you, I was met with anger when I gave him his freedom. After all, he said he felt like he was in prison and I set him free. Anger, bullying, lying about me to me and blaming me all of the while. I am better with it now. Occasionally, I respond, but not much and often I say, please just realize that I am not going to answer you and so if I seem rude, I have warned you not to talk to me about that. So, first, secrecy and indifference to me and then anger that I invaded his privacy and discovered his little secrets, then more anger and blame, then anger and pleas to stay, now pleas to stay. As I said, I am not willing to fall back into it. I gave too much to this man to expose myself to this again. One PA, at least, and one EA, at least and countless lies and I, like you, need some peace. He and EA have cooled it as I believe she became concerned about me knowing and what I might do, but now I wish he would find someone else so he would get off his duff and help me get the house ready to sell. Good luck to you. Try hard not to engage; leave the room and go somewhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 She's testing you to see how far you will go You need to stand up for yourself without getting drawn into a fight or " wife until you can talk to me in a civilised and friendly manner this conversation is over" Then walk away Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Start carrying a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you. Your wife has threatened to call the cops on you. Protect yourself. You may want to buy a few and hide them around the house. Or a hidden camera. Apparently, WA State law (RCW 9.73.030) prohibits such. Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 (edited) Apparently, WA State law (RCW 9.73.030) prohibits such. What if it's a security system you have for your home? That she's aware of? And the data goes offsite? Edited October 8, 2011 by 2011aug Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Apparently, WA State law (RCW 9.73.030) prohibits such. I took a look at the law here. You are allowed to do so under subsections 2 (extortion threats, blackmail) and 3. Take a look. She had announced her intention during the MC. ianal Link to post Share on other sites
Calif_hope Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 A little common sense man, come on! It about degrees and impact. I am so God damn certain that dealing with violating WA State law (RCW 9.73.030), is a whole less scary than dealing with and responding to all the Fu$%ing damage to you with well place lies. Don't be stupid protect you and more importantly your child. Have the resource to share the truth to the authorities and the courts! Get yourself a VAR, don't you dare tell her or anyone, back up the recordings and only expose when you are in a "she said vs the truth" situations. Simply break that pitiful minor law for the sake of your child and to keep your a## out of jail. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Like you, I was met with anger when I gave him his freedom. This is something many of us have experienced. In my case, ex wife didn't want me back but she did want me available. When you agree they can't blame shift any longer, and when they can't do that the guilt has nowhere to go. The confrontation is what they crave; the act of giving it to you. Messed up? Completely. Heaping pain on pain. My advice is simple. Tell her you agree the marriage is over and there is nothing more to talk over. If she persists, tell her if she does not stop baiting she'll have to leave. She's angry because it is not working out the way she planned and the only person she can take it out on is you. Do not accept it. Just don't respond, at all, unless to say if it doesn't stop she will have to leave. If this makes it worse, then you may have to. You can't control her and she knows this. It's the last bullet in her gun. She's going to use it. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 ThreeLeggedDog, I admire your logic and reasoning through this situation. I wish you the best. Don't let your stbxw rattle you. You're on the high ground here, and may you stay there. Link to post Share on other sites
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