22 year marriage, dissolving

[ThreeLegDog]

My attorney says that stbx' attorney wants us all to sit down and talk. He recommends taking a de-escalating approach in order to make this process happen as fast and smoothly as possible. I want this over, so this is the course I am going to take.

[robf1971]

She is freaking out because you are taking control and she does not like it. Be ready as she is gonna kick and scream and threaten now - your ending her cake eating!

 

This is why you need to have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times for proof of her instability.

 

Close down any join accounts, cards, store accounts etc. Open up new accounts in your name only and put you salary into that instead, move over any regular payments etc. Move any money you have into a new savings account.

 

You have a lawyer now, follow his advice.

 

Tell you wife to leave, follows robs advice about helping pack her stuff etc.

 

Its time to manup and it feels good to take back control of your life

 

Spot on advice, especially the fact that your taking control after probably years being under her thumb. They all threaten to call the cops, my wife did the same, I handed her the phone and told her to dial. She was strangely reluctant. I think Jaymz's STBX did to (correct me if I'm wrong), but the police really aren't stupid they see this cr*p all the time.

[robf1971]

I got a VAR. Got this last session on it.

 

This will save you no end of trouble. Also remember to download the voicefiles into the cloud, on a secure password.

[ThreeLegDog]

I just wanted to post a quick update...

 

Myself, stbx, and both our attorneys had a meeting yesterday. We are only 20+ days into the D process, but have already agreed to custody terms (1 week intervals), me moving out and her keeping the house long-term. We have a spreadsheet with initial divisions of assets and liabilities. The only point of contention is stbx is denying that she makes 2-3X more income than me. But that is easily verified with tax records, so she can't hide that.

 

Long-term i will probably get spousal support, but I am excited to just get out of the house and away from her toxicity.

 

Moving forward, one day at a time...

[jaymz]

Spot on advice, especially the fact that your taking control after probably years being under her thumb. They all threaten to call the cops, my wife did the same, I handed her the phone and told her to dial. She was strangely reluctant. I think Jaymz's STBX did to (correct me if I'm wrong), but the police really aren't stupid they see this cr*p all the time.

 

She did Rob, twice...

 

Complete fabricated lies and on the 2nd occasion by her mother!

 

All conversations are now done by phone and I record _every_ _single_ _one_

[jaymz]

Myself, stbx, and both our attorneys had a meeting yesterday. We are only 20+ days into the D process, but have already agreed to custody terms (1 week intervals), me moving out and her keeping the house long-term. We have a spreadsheet with initial divisions of assets and liabilities. The only point of contention is stbx is denying that she makes 2-3X more income than me. But that is easily verified with tax records, so she can't hide that.

 

I don't understand why they continue to lie all the time. I am waiting for the financial information from my STBXW and scumbag, I'm sure it will put shakespear to shame!

 

Long-term i will probably get spousal support, but I am excited to just get out of the house and away from her toxicity.

 

Moving forward, one day at a time...

 

Cut as many ties with her as possible and stick to LC. it does help

[ThreeLegDog]

Update: Since stbx wants the house long-term, we agreed that I would be the one to move out. I've been looking for a place and have a couple of options lined up for end of Nov.

 

Stbx has just returned from another trip - business combined with OM combined with her celebrating her 50th b-day with girlfriends/OM. I helped our son send her flowers on her birthday. She got nothing from me. She tried to guilt me when she returned, but I said that only people who care about each other celebrate each other's special days.

 

Yesterday she IM's me about some problem our son is having in school. Then changes to saying she wants to patch things up, will stop seeing OM, doesn't want to hurt me or our son, etc.

 

WTF?

 

I . have spent . the last two months ... working thru initial disbelief, trying to fix things, /stopping/ trying to fix things, taking blame, rejecting blame, enduring anger, sadness, despair ... picking myself up and getting fit, filing for D, testing the waters with other women (and finding the waters just fine, thank you very much), dividing up our estate, and looking for a place to live alone. NOW she wants to "patch things up"?

 

I knew this happening was a possibility. I, of course, didn't /plan/ for it, being totally focused on getting myself well and out of the sh*tty situation.

 

This is yet another thing I have to wrench myself thru. Do I want to work to patch things up? Do I believe she wants to do this sincerely? Is she just scared about losing me/house/kid/etc? Do I want to be a watchdog, policing her email/cell/txt/IM/FB/etc for god-knows-how-long? Do I want to go to months/years of counseling to get over betrayal, rebuild trust?

 

<sigh>

[Owl]

Here's my thought...you're asking yourself the right question.

 

I'm in a successfully reconciled marriage after my wife's emotional affair. It CAN be done. It's hard work, effort on both parts, and it takes TIME to get to this point as well, but it can be done if both parties do everything right.

 

There is also absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that you CAN'T/WON'T put yourself through all of that to see if you can reconcile. Some folks can't, some don't want to...and there is nothing wrong with that choice either.

 

You're asking yourself the right question...which way do I want to go. Once you figure that out...there's good advice to be given going down either path...and both paths are honorable choices.

 

Let us know what you decide...and we'll be here to support you either way.

[GorillaTheater]

Excellent post by Owl.

 

Take your time, Three. If she's truly interested in reconciling, and has an empathetic bone in her body, she'll be understanding about you needing time to sort this out in your mind. I think a hasty decision would be a big mistake.

 

Let us know how we can help you sort through this.

[2sunny]

since she SAYS she wants to get back together - let her prove it.

 

have her quit the job - no more travel

 

she provides COMPLETE transparency - anything that gives you peace of mind

 

she allows you to call the OM's wife and disclose the gory details of all the evidence of her husband cheating with your wife

 

IF she won't agree to - and DO - at least these basic things to start with - there's no reason to believe she intends to repair the damage she has caused.

 

it will give you a starting point - one that will allow you to see IF she intends to own her bad behavior - and begin to set things right.

 

then and only then - will you KNOW if her INTENTIONS are true.

 

put the action part on her to prove to you that she's gonna do the tough stuff it takes... this is just the start - IF she won't DO these few things - she's not gonna have intentions to DO changes for the long haul...

 

she created this mess - it's hers to begin changing things before you can believe what she says.

[Woggle]

She sees you are moving on and now wants you back because she is losing her grip. Don't fall for it. If you want to give her another chance though make her earn it. Make her jump through hoop after hoop to prove she is sincere.

[2sunny]

i'd be skeptical... mainly because her OM may be pulling away - so she's looking for additional attention since he may be running scared - and she may also have gotten info from an atty... info that tells her that IF she makes more than you she will have to pay you spousal support.

 

find out what her motives are.

 

find out IF she's willing to show EVIDENCE to earn your trust back.

 

without the trust - you have nothing.

[seibert253]

Actions, not words. Talk is cheap. REMEMBER THIS ABOVE ALL ELSE.

 

She has to earn the right to remain in the marriage. This should be your attitude if attempting R. Can it be done, absolutely.

 

Make out your list of the things she needs to do, to show you that she's committed to fixing what she broke, IE:

1. NC with OM forever
   
2. Total transparency
   
3. Possible change in business or career
   
4. MC and IC
   

Things like that.

These are non-negotiable. If she's not willing to "do anything and everything" to repair your M, then it aint worth reparing.

[findingnemo]

Update: Since stbx wants the house long-term, we agreed that I would be the one to move out. I've been looking for a place and have a couple of options lined up for end of Nov.

 

Stbx has just returned from another trip - business combined with OM combined with her celebrating her 50th b-day with girlfriends/OM. I helped our son send her flowers on her birthday. She got nothing from me. She tried to guilt me when she returned, but I said that only people who care about each other celebrate each other's special days.

 

Yesterday she IM's me about some problem our son is having in school. Then changes to saying she wants to patch things up, will stop seeing OM, doesn't want to hurt me or our son, etc.

 

WTF?

 

I . have spent . the last two months ... working thru initial disbelief, trying to fix things, /stopping/ trying to fix things, taking blame, rejecting blame, enduring anger, sadness, despair ... picking myself up and getting fit, filing for D, testing the waters with other women (and finding the waters just fine, thank you very much), dividing up our estate, and looking for a place to live alone. NOW she wants to "patch things up"?

 

I knew this happening was a possibility. I, of course, didn't /plan/ for it, being totally focused on getting myself well and out of the sh*tty situation.

 

This is yet another thing I have to wrench myself thru. Do I want to work to patch things up? Do I believe she wants to do this sincerely? Is she just scared about losing me/house/kid/etc? Do I want to be a watchdog, policing her email/cell/txt/IM/FB/etc for god-knows-how-long? Do I want to go to months/years of counseling to get over betrayal, rebuild trust?

 

<sigh>

 

Hi Three-Legged,

 

I've been following your thread and admire the way you've handled this situation so far. So many people have given you great advice and very good interpretations of what your W is up to. I feel compelled to add my take on the latest about-turn.

 

Your W is playing you big time, IMO. From what I've seen, rebuilding trust begins with remorse and lots of talking prior to MC. I believe that most of the work is done by the couple themselves and that the shrink only facilitates communication and reaching an agreement. For goodness sake, she sent you a recon request via IM!! Prior to this she has threatened you, scared the crap out of you, gone on a business/pleasure trip, etc. Nothing she has done so far spells remorse in anyway.

 

You are right to question why she wants to work it out NOW after having had the opportunity to do so over 5(?) months. One just has to draw the line somewhere. I know that there must be those who have successfully reconciled under such and perhaps more difficult circumstances. But just like one is warned that a M is a lot more than the wedding day, a recon is a lot more than apologizing, making changes that are required in that time and agreeing to stay M. What happens after that? You have to wonder if the M is truly salvageable.

 

My opinion is that it isn't. This is why:

 

1. You have to forgive her for cheating in the first place.

 

2. You then have to forgive her for carrying on the A while the two of you lived together, after you knew, after you objected and as far as you know it is on-going. It is quite extraordinary really.

 

3. You have to forgive her for threatening you with Police and ATF. She was willing to use her knowledge of your love for guns against you. If you think she said it out of anger, then you're mistaken. If pushed, shell do anything including see you in jail.

 

Those are just 3 things out of hundreds she's done in the last few months. I'm all for M but I care more about the people than the institution. It's not a living thing even when it has last 20, 30 or 40 years. It only makes sense if you can look back in your old age and say you were happy. So many people stay for reasons that are not important. These include what people will think, the amount of time already invested, children (who are IMO better off with one happy parent than two miserable one's) and more. There are so many nice, kind, loving women who won't make you feel like a prisoner of war.

 

I could go on and on but I won't. Let me just say that I think you should go ahead and get your D.

Edited November 19, 2011 by findingnemo

[ThreeLegDog]

Thanks to everyone who has read my story and offered advice. It's now time to take it all in, make decisions and move forward.

 

I am going to go dark now. My stbx has found this forum. My attorney recommends that I no longer share my story.

 

Again, thanks to all here!

[Trimmer]

TLD - I will refrain from giving opinion or advice that may inflame the situation in any way. I wish you the best of luck that you can move forward in a way that allows you to go on with your life in a positive fashion, and in a way that provides a stable, loving, and supportive situation for your son. PM me if you want.

 

Good luck.