Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 (edited) I gave stbx the papers today. I told her she needed to read them and sign them -- signing only meaning that she has received a copy. She asked why I was in such a hurry. I reminded her that this was a path she put us both on when she made the decision to cheat. More baiting and name-calling... Then she starting crying, saying "You didn't even fight for me! Not even a single rose or getting down on your knees and saying you're sorry and want me back." ??? It is amazing to me that she still thinks she has done nothing wrong, and that I should be begging her! Many responses came to mind. Most not very nice, but I said "You need to be an adult here and accept the consequences of your decisions and actions." Then I took off to see a movie with an old friend. Edited October 10, 2011 by ThreeLegDog typo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diogenes Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Bravo! maybe this is what's needed to wake her up. If you still really want her back after all this crap is another thing ;~) Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I gave stbx the papers today. I told her she needed to read them and sign them -- signing only meaning that she has received a copy. She asked why I was in such a hurry. I reminded her that this was a path she put us both on when she made the decision to cheat. More baiting and name-calling... Then she starting crying, saying "You didn't even fight for me! Not even a single rose or getting down on your knees and saying you're sorry and want me back." ??? It is amazing to me that she still thinks she has done nothing wrong, and that I should be begging her! Many responses came to mind. Most not very nice, but I said "You need to be an adult here and accept the consequences of your decisions and actions." Then I took off to see a movie with an old friend. Right now I'm standing up and clapping. Perfect my friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 The logic of a cheater is mind boggling. In the case of a female cheater, it's often worse. Not to sound biased, I do understand the emotional pain is the same. Just the same, it is often the case that the OM's interest is directly hooked to yours. Here's the scenario; she can't hide the fact that you are letting her go and tells the OM you've filed and are setting her free. Suddenly, in the OM's eyes she is much less attractive. It's a sick game. He is thinking; what does he know that I don't? Let this be a lesson to all men with a cheating, emotion twisting wife. Leave her. Leave her NOW. I'm glad to hear you're not playing. I am impressed and encouraged. Fight for happiness! Do not allow her to twist you. You are handling it perfectly. Stay strong. Stay kind. You're not out of the woods yet- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 More baiting and name-calling... Then she starting crying, saying "You didn't even fight for me! Not even a single rose or getting down on your knees and saying you're sorry and want me back." ??? It is amazing to me that she still thinks she has done nothing wrong, and that I should be begging her! Yes, she has decreased her worth. In reality, who really wants to live with a disloyal, untrustworthy person? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 More baiting and name-calling... Then she starting crying, saying "You didn't even fight for me! Not even a single rose or getting down on your knees and saying you're sorry and want me back." . Looks like she's been taking cheating 101 classes, it's so script shakespear himself could have written it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Yes, she has decreased her worth. ? And you OP, have massively increased your self worth, and even more importantly resepcted yourself. An example to everyone on here, Fistpump!! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 You are giving her everything she wanted so why is she so angry? I think some of them actually like being the victim and when you take that away what do they have? Link to post Share on other sites
Jahoobie Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 This thread has been most helpful. I found out on Friday that my wife has been having an affair...with another woman. I confronted her last night, and there is no hope of saving this marriage. I don't know how to move forward, how to forgive her, or how to start to let go. I wish you luck as you move through your process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Sorry Rolex, but I'm a Breitling man... Anyway, I had a bit of a setback last night. Stbx wanted to talk about child visitation schedule (already?). That short convo ended in her threatening to tell our son (8yo) about "why she cheated." I said doing that was inappropriate, esp for an 8yo. Then she wanted to talk about refinancing the house or something. Somehow, yet again, she steered us to all the Bad Things that I had done that drove her to have an affair. (I never gave her sex, I hit on her friends, blah blah ... ) I kind of lost composure and defended myself, something I am trying hard not to do. After a bit I said "Look, why are we talking about this? This assumes that we are working on our marriage. I am not. I want you out of my life. The only things we need to ever talk about again are things affecting our son or financial things." She will not leave the house now. This is after she said she would take a room or apartment nearby. Not sure how I can stay in the same house with this manipulative lying cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Check with your attorney. Some states pretty much side with the person filing for D, and in some you can actually have the other person removed from the home when you file. At this point...ANY interaction with her whatsoever other than items directly tied to the day to day care of your son need to go through the attorneys. Your attorney also needs to be aware of the wife's threats against you, and you need to discuss what can be done to protect yourself. Perhaps given her "fears" of what you might do, that can be grounds to enforce her leaving the marital home "to protect herself"? Again...ensure that your attorney is involved in all of this to make sure you don't put yourself in a bad situation. What are the divorce laws in your state? How long is the required seperation, and how is it defined? No-fault state? You should get a good idea on these things, as they'll have direct impact in how this plays out. Sounds like you're on a good track. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 She knows you're hardwired to protect your son, so she'll use that. Didn't I warn you? She's already cheated on and hung out to dry everything she once swore to honor and protect. Think she'll have any reservations now? You didn't play it her way and she is determined to make you pay. Hard as it is, you'll have to call her bluff. Show no fear. If her OM was close and willing, she'd be there. She'd leave you and your son in a heartbeat. But he isn't. She's quickly backing herself into a corner. She's close to desperate. You have to be careful. Time to see an attorney and work out a temporary visitation schedule. Then, you can leave. Make sure you have him at least 1/2 of the time. If my hunch is right, he'll be with you a lot. You do need to get away now. It's time. Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Somehow, yet again, she steered us to all the Bad Things that I had done that drove her to have an affair. (I never gave her sex, I hit on her friends, blah blah ... ) I kind of lost composure and defended myself, something I am trying hard not to do. After a bit I said "Look, why are we talking about this? This assumes that we are working on our marriage. I am not. I want you out of my life. The only things we need to ever talk about again are things affecting our son or financial things." Tell her that having an affair was 100% her decision. She could had worked with you to resolve any problems with the marriage. Instead she made the decision to commit adultery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Thanks so much everyone for your replies and support! I'm in contact with my attorney and I am getting legal advice on this situation. (I feel like I am dragging a sledge through snow drifts in a snow storm. One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other...) Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Separation and divorce is one of the deepest, darkest holes a person will ever go through, but there's light at the end of the tunnel. You're doing it right. Wish I had a dime for every time I've written "don't feel bad about feeling bad" but it's the truth. If you didn't, you wouldn't be normal. You love her and you hate what is happening to your life. Who can blame you? My ex was confused, vindictive, sorry, cold, heartless and a crying bag of worry and tears during our final days of marriage. Missed me, hated me. Wanted me to accept the situation but also wanted my comfort when she felt scared or alone. What scared me the most was the finality of the divorce, but the weight lifted off after it was final is hard to describe. I remember thinking that no matter what, my wife isn't cheating on me anymore because I don't have a wife. She was just another person having sex. Often times, what we fear most hides what we need most to heal. She's made enough decisions for you. Take back control of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 Time to see an attorney and work out a temporary visitation schedule. Then, you can leave. Make sure you have him at least 1/2 of the time. If my hunch is right, he'll be with you a lot. You do need to get away now. It's time. Can you expound on this? I assume you mean /me/ leave the house? Wouldn't that be tacitly admitting to imagined wrongdoing on my part? Do I not have strategic advantage in staying? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Can you expound on this? I assume you mean /me/ leave the house? Wouldn't that be tacitly admitting to imagined wrongdoing on my part? Do I not have strategic advantage in staying? Do it upon consultation with your attorney to be sure. Don't do it just on the advice of an internet forum. I'm not saying it's bad advice - actually I think it's very good advice - but you are right to question its potential impact, and you should weigh your attorney's advice much higher than mine, or anyone else's on here, with respect to divorce tactics and strategy for your state. The point of steadfast's advice - I think - is that by staying physically near her, you can't avoid emotional contact with here, and the emotional contact with her sounds like it is completely counterproductive, and possibly even harmful to you, and potentially your child, based on her threats. Get some physical separation, and you may end up having fewer emotional trigger points that will flare up issues between you. Steadfast - correct me if I have misinterpreted your intent... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 . You do need to get away now. It's time. Steadfast, I respectfully disagree. I do agree that he needs to consult with a lawyer though. I think leaving can be seen as abandonment, its weak, it allows his W to bring OMS to the house. If I was OP I'd say nothing and just pack her stuff in boxes and be really nice. " Wife I want you to be with om so I've packed your stuff and will help you move anywhere you want" Once he's left the house he's as good as lost it IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Steadfast - correct me if I have misinterpreted your intent... Nope, you nailed it. That's exactly what I mean. What's happening now is counterproductive and (IMO) he needs physical separation. No question it would be better if she left. Will she? Seems any topic, any conversation is reason for a fight with her. If keeping the house is more important than keeping your sanity, then stick it out. Most important are the custody/rights to the child. I understand laws vary from state to state, but in reality all any parent has to do is show up for joint custody. It's what the court wants (and the judge will encourage) too, unless someone has really dropped the ball. Single custody is rare and for the most part, men are treated much more fairly now than they were 25-years ago. Obviously, your attorney is the best source of advice on this. But I can advise that living under the same roof with a cheater is a draining waste of life. Either she goes or you do. Once custody is established, do your thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 It was a Bad Night last night. My family has a membership at a health club where you can charge to a local house account. They then bill the total at the end of the month. My wife regularly charges $1k-$1.5k a month here. A week ago, I stop the ability to do in-house charges in order to stem this particular financial bleed. Well, when STBX was unable to make a charge last night at the club, she came unglued. She threatened to call cops and ATF on me for imagined offenses. She threatened to drain the joint bank account. She threatened to “stop working” in order to starve us of money. Other threats ensued. Much screaming and name-calling ensued. I am freaked out. I am in contact with my attorney about what to do to protect myself and my son. I feel scared and alone. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 It was a Bad Night last night. My family has a membership at a health club where you can charge to a local house account. They then bill the total at the end of the month. My wife regularly charges $1k-$1.5k a month here. A week ago, I stop the ability to do in-house charges in order to stem this particular financial bleed. Well, when STBX was unable to make a charge last night at the club, she came unglued. She threatened to call cops and ATF on me for imagined offenses. She threatened to drain the joint bank account. She threatened to “stop working” in order to starve us of money. Other threats ensued. Much screaming and name-calling ensued. I am freaked out. I am in contact with my attorney about what to do to protect myself and my son. I feel scared and alone. scared of what? she's charging 1500.00 a month and you're scared that she's not going to be able to continue spending? that she's going to be angry because she can't spend more? don't live in that fear! IF you are afraid she'll drain the bank accounts - close them. give her the allotted money the courts would grant to her... and nothing else. she will need to find her way eventually anyway... she may as well start now. close her charge accounts - she needs to open them in her name only = then it's soley HER responsibility to pay what she charges. start separating everything! it's the way it will end up when you divorce anyway - may as well get started on it now. train her to start taking care of her own needs, issues - so she can begin to solve the problems she creates! you don't need to fix things for her anymore - it's her job to learn to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Scared mainly of the anger and volatility. Good idea on the starting to separate accounts, etc. It's time. Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 She is freaking out because you are taking control and she does not like it. Be ready as she is gonna kick and scream and threaten now - your ending her cake eating! This is why you need to have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times for proof of her instability. Close down any join accounts, cards, store accounts etc. Open up new accounts in your name only and put you salary into that instead, move over any regular payments etc. Move any money you have into a new savings account. You have a lawyer now, follow his advice. Tell you wife to leave, follows robs advice about helping pack her stuff etc. Its time to manup and it feels good to take back control of your life Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeLegDog Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 I got a VAR. Got this last session on it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 do like i did - it was over - so i put his things out front and changed the locks - yes, he threw a HUGE temper tantrum... major rage! it was so perfect that a few friends were there with me so that he didn't bring his violent self near me. don't hesitate to call the police...if you need to - if you call them - she will get the idea that you will take action when she's crossed your boundary - do NOT hesitate to call EVERY time! Link to post Share on other sites
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