how can I win her back?

[c0nfuzd]

she came home late last night and started venting about work...again. She feels she is getting screwed on her title and bonus. And I understand her position. People that do far less work than she does and have been there for a shorter period of time are getting promotions while she labours industriously over what seems like a useless cause. I listen and offer little advice as I am sure she needs more of an ear to lean on, rather than advice. But I do tell her as much as to be grateful to still have a job with a great salary, while others just got laid off in her company this past week. And not to give up, because eventually she will be rewarded. And I side with her that it's not fair what they are doing to her.

 

Looks like she will desert me today after all. Kids got swimming and a birthday party to attend. Silly of me to think she would spend time with me at home on the weekend. My surgery means nothing to her obviously. She has not spent a minute of her free time with me while I am recovering. I guess I deserve this too.

[c0nfuzd]

I am alone in the house; all these years I had weed and other drugs to keep me company but now, they're gone; I wanted to be alone so that I could enjoy my drugs; I didn't want to be part of the family; I couldn't wait for them to leave so that I could get high

 

now, it's a different story; I want my wife and kids to be around; I want to be part of this family; yet, she does her best to leave me alone at home; is she being cruel? perhaps, but I did this to myself really

 

the yelling matches and moments of ecstasy are now long gone replaced with silence and solitude; a time to reflect on what was and what is....it all seems neverending

 

she will come home soon but the kids will be asleep already from the long day they've had; we will put them to bed and she will then retire to her quarters, not to be seen again till the top of the morning

 

she always did have a problem with the kids coming and sleeping in our bed, maybe because there wasn't enough room for all of us to sleep comfortably; she would bring them back to their beds every time they showed up, no matter the time of night; now that I am no longer there, I find the kids in our bed almost every morning when I make my way to the bathroom in our bedroom; I feel so sad when I see them all huddled together; sometimes I even feel betrayed but I dismiss it because rationally I understand why it is the way it is

 

I wonder how much more I can handle this; but I realize that it's better than her kicking me out; then I will truly be alone; the only time I will have company is when I make my way over to see the kids; and it prolly won't happen every day; maybe at first, but slowly it will become every other day, then weekly

 

it's in these moments that I realize how sad I am; I have no friends, no hobbies and just my mother to talk to; I do talk to her and she tells me the same thing....get out there and make friends but at my age, that's not quite so simple; I am socially awkward, find little interest in the mundane talk; I've always been this way so it boggles the mind what she found attractive in me; she could not be more different than I am...a master at firing up any dull situation, she could make a friend of anyone if she wanted to; I just want to break out, to talk to people but it seems as no one wants to listen

 

I can only blame myself for this; my indulgence in drugs has alienated me not only from my family but from this world too; my foul language only compounded the problem; although the drugs and cursing words are a thing of the past, the problems remain

 

tonight, I will pray again and thank God for having stuck to my positive path this day and for helping me tomorrow to be a great father and a virtual spouse to a wife who no longer considers her title to me

[turnera]

Make it a goal to do at least one thing a day to reinforce the things she likes about you. It's good you're still in the house, use it to your advantage. Have you tried to ask her to fill out the Love Buster questionnaire? That would be a good place to start.

[c0nfuzd]

Make it a goal to do at least one thing a day to reinforce the things she likes about you. It's good you're still in the house, use it to your advantage. Have you tried to ask her to fill out the Love Buster questionnaire? That would be a good place to start.

 

oddly enough I don't know the things that she likes about me; you would think after a 15-year relationship I would have an idea; I know what I love about her, but not vice-versa

 

and yes I am thankful for still being in the house at this stage; she wanted me out some time ago but the surgery got in the way; I guess the universe conspired with me lol....without a doubt, even if she kicks me out, she will have a tough time finger-pointing at anything in these past 4 months; and I know that I could conduct myself in this manner forever, from here on; the house is swept daily even now while I recover, and I clean the sinks in every bathroom every Sunday; the dishes are always washed and put away daily; the only thing I can't do is show her affection; she doesn't want it (at least that is what she said as recently as end of July); I don't know if anything has changed for her but considering her recent reply to the doctor's question about us being ok, I would venture a no....nothing has changed in her mind and she is pursuing at the very least the separation option

 

so I am not sure that the Love Busters questionnaire is a good idea at this time; but first I have to read it; I just don't know how I could present it to her...she is just so busy with everything else, the last thing on her mind is us; I don't want to precipitate anything and prefer to give her more time

[c0nfuzd]

I am learning much from Love Busters and I can't thank turnera enough...but how do I know when she will be ready for it? as I have previously stated she has made it clear that our marriage is over and that there is no hope; this was as recently as end of July

 

since then, I have tried to keep all talk about our marriage non-existent; the only hiccup was when my doctor asked us 2 weeks ago if we were ok now to which she replied after a long pause....no

 

I also have done some reading in this forum on other people's personal stories of emotional abuse

 

although I still consider myself somewhat of an abuser, I cannot lump myself in the same group as some of these atrocious abusers; it is not an attempt to diminish or make irrelevant the pain I have caused my wife, but I have never humiliated my wife in public, I have never threatened her or the kids

 

rather I used the f word a lot during arguments when I couldn't deal with taking care of the babies; I neglected her wishes when she planned dinner nights for us (my reasoning had more to do with financial reasons then love) , I seldom got her flowers, but I always told her how much I love her; never helped out with house chores; had a lazy attitude towards everything and everyone and did drugs; I did have a constant negative view of the world in that I was unhappy most of the times; the burden of rearing the children most definitely made it hard for me to show any happiness in this marriage; matter of fact, we had a wonderful 2 years of marriage before the kids were born, in addition to the 5 wonderful years prior to our wedding

 

the problem that I see is that I consistently showed this way of being, over so many years and it took its toll on her; I know she did not like cursing especially in front of the kids, and I know that couple of times I got carried away and told her to eff off directly to her face; never did I say eff you, or tell her "you are piece of chit", or any of that stuff that I read in LS abuse stories; I would never subject a woman to this degree of abuse, let alone my wife; I guess I could have used some anger management classes and lay off the drugs; I most likely would not be in the situation I am in

 

she called it emotional abuse so that is why I branded myself as such; from what I can see, she was a very happy-go-lucky type of person and this I agree that I have changed in her....to a degree; she is definitely not the same person she was but I do attribute other stresses in her life as additional and detrimental factors to her loss of identity; her work being one of them

 

the immediate changes I have made that she allows me to do was to stop the cursing and to become more involved with taking care of the kids and house duties; stopping the drugs also has made me positive in my attitude; and just today she asked me to finish sweeping up the floors in the bathrooms while she took the kids to the amusement park; I had already started cleaning the first floor of the house anyways

 

AND for the first time in a loooooooooong time, she asked me what I would like to eat for 1 day this week; usually the children decide what they eat all week and so I eat whatever they eat as she never asks me for my choices of meals, nor do I ever propose them; I am just happy to eat whatever she makes

 

so again, how do I know when a woman is ready to look at her marriage again and try to make it work? she has negated any MC ideas repeatedly and I have stopped asking; are there are any signs to look for? she still avoids eye contact as much as possible so not sure what to look for; she has also told me she no longer considers herself my wife (although we are still married)

Edited September 18, 2011 by c0nfuzd

[turnera]

A few things. Love Busting doesn't mean you're abusive. It means you do something that bothers your wife. My husband uses Qtips and leaves them all over the place; he knows it bugs me, but still leaves them around, and I end up picking them up. Each time I do that, it upsets me a little bit more. Such a tiny thing, but such a big Love Buster. On the other hand, my flight got cancelled yesterday for leaving early for a business trip, so I didn't get to do some touring I'd planned in that city. He knew I was upset, and he has bought me a rose, made me breakfast in bed, taken me out to eat so I didn't have to cook, and bought me a big candy bar to take on the flight.

 

The Qtips are a Love Buster; all the other stuff is meeting my Emotional Needs. Hopefully, the ENs outweigh the LBs. Does that make more sense?

 

Now, you have a LOT of LBing to make up for, and she most likely is unwilling to even consider that your changes are for real. So the only thing you have going for you right now is time. It will take quite a while for her ice to thaw, as she is afraid to believe you might make a decent husband, after all you've pulled. But she doesn't seem to actually hate you, or have no feelings (apathy is worse than hate), so you may have a chance.

 

Be prepared to stay as long as she lets you. Do NOT bring up the divorce or separating. Settle into your new role. Let her see you becoming a real huiman being, NOT LBing her, meeting the ENs she lets you meet, becoming a wonderful father, taking care of the house...everything she always expected.

 

And, as you're doing that, look for opportunities to throw in little hints that you are still attracted to her. At first, without touching her in any way. A 'wow' when she wears a new shirt, a lingering look as she walks by, holding a door for her, fresh flowers in a vase in the morning...little touches that show her that you're thinking of her. Let that settle in, make her comfortable not pushing away your kindness. After awhile, when she no longer seems 'mad' at you all the time. look for an opportunity to be more physical.

 

Women need to be swept off their feet, have their breath taken away. Not in grand ways, but in tiny ways that leave them wondering. Say, a month from now, when she's not so mad at you, you pass each other in the hall; say you touch her arms to get by; say you hesitate and look her in the eyes and then just dash in for a quick peck on the cheek or, if you dare, the mouth; and then you keep on going about your business.

 

Can you see yourself doing that?

[turnera]

In other words, don't wait for her to SAY she's ready. Read her, watch her, sense her, and take a chance here and there.

[c0nfuzd]

OMG turnera...your last 2 posts are AWESOME....some of it I already do; I just have to include the rest

 

one of her LBs was me leaving pieces of food in the sink strainer after I washed the dishes (when I managed to do them)...now I always empty out the strainer each and every time the dishes are done (which is as soon as the plates land in the sink)

 

ty ty so much.... for the hope and great advice

 

to be continued

Edited September 18, 2011 by c0nfuzd

[c0nfuzd]

if I may ask from a woman's viewpoint, what is the meaning of her not allowing me to see her naked or not giving me access to the washroom when she is in there?

 

but she will tell me when she is on the period...

[turnera]

In my world, not seeing me naked either means I don't want him to see me overweight and judging me...

 

or...

 

I don't want him to get turned on.

[c0nfuzd]

if the spam continues in this thread, I may be forced to abandon it; who wants to see so much spam in a thread just to find 1 or 2 posts that I've typed?

 

I hope they will clean it up and disable the accounts of the spammers; without proper anti-spam software in place, this may not be easily accomplished; a small investment for continued readership

 

my 2 cents

[c0nfuzd]

well I am slowly settling into my new role.....that of getting no affection from the wife, sleeping in the basement, while being a good father and taking care of the house; if this is my punishment, then I can take it; small price to pay for the years of neglect and verbal abuse I subjected her to; and if it ends up restoring our marriage, it will all have been worthwhile

 

no longer do I have anxiety attacks or sleepless nights; I am actually so peaceful inside; it really has been a long time since I felt this good in my skin and body; and I still think it all has to do with getting off the drugs and reconnecting with my mother; I don't need to worry about when my next fix is coming...it's so nice and it's like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders; I also told my mother for the first time in my life (as far as I can recall anyways) that I love her; talking to her everyday and listening to her advice not only about my marriage but also about life, has given me a new picture of her; I can actually say that she cares about my well-being and is not malevolent in her actions

 

I read the LoveBusters questionnaire and I honestly don't think she would be able to fill it out...at least not at this time; she is still too stressed with work so I doubt she could find time for it; also, I still think it's too early in our situation; she calls me mr.perfect so am not even sure what she could point her finger at in the questionnaire; had I given her this LB form a year ago, I am sure she would've had plenty to say; I have had time to analyze this marriage inside out and this has given me the ability to plug all the holes I created; she says she is not sure she has ever seen me like this at any point in our relationship; if she is waiting for me to revert, she will be waiting forever lol

 

staying strong and hopeful

Edited September 20, 2011 by c0nfuzd
typo

[c0nfuzd]

she just asked me to download a season of a show called Boardwalk Empire; makes me feel useful to her

 

and I feel that she's thawing a bit lol; she used to always ask me to download stuff but ever since we had arguments in July, she stopped; I am more than happy to fulfill her request; actually, I am happy to fulfill all of her requests, albeit limited that they are in nature

 

I remember when I used to hate it if she asked me to do anything for her; it just annoyed me; even when the kids were around it bugged me; now, I just want them all around all the time and I want them to ask me to do anything for them; whether it's to play or go out for a walk, or do the dishes, or fix something in the house; I want to be needed; am afraid to become irrelevant and obsolete

 

what was I thinking back then? oh yeah, I know...getting high; but now I get a high out of life; this morning went for a nice long walk and it was unseasonably warm outside; I honestly felt high naturally; it's like I am discovering the little joys of life; I've forgotten what it's like to be sober; at that moment, nothing could make me sad, I was ecstatic and I had an oomph in my step

[ShatteredReality]

Sounds like slowly she's beginning to believe your changes may be permanent! It's going to take time...patience...I am glad you're keeping a positive attitude about all of this!!

 

Keep enjoying the "natural highs"

[c0nfuzd]

the longest period I went without drugs in my 15-year period was maybe a week or two; and that was usually because my dealer was dry and I had to either wait for him to get the next batch or had to run all over the place getting them from another source

 

I used to throw fits and my mood would become intolerable not only to her, but to myself; I had to get that next batch at whatever cost; you could only imagine the cussing at that time

 

one night I was so edgy from not having anything to ingest or smoke, that I decided to inhale butane gas (on the advice of a "friend"); I was that lame

 

I did drugs because it got me from being a nobody to a somebody...but in retrospect I was a fake somebody; all the peeps I got to know were only because of drugs, and over time they all faded away; it got to the point where I closed myself from the whole world just so I could partake in my drug experience

 

it all started with "raves"; the electronic, pulsating music at the beginning of the 90s coupled with drug-fueled adrenaline was enough to bowl me over from a gentile and softly spoken young adult; it was a revolution in my head; it was "What is this music? I've never heard this before and if I have, I don't know where I heard it." The euphoria was overwhelming, because drugs were new to me as was the music. 2 elements combined to forever change my psychological landscape.

 

my first LSD experience was nothing short of mind-blowing. It was like the whole world I knew ripped itself before my eyes to reveal the truth behind it. It shaped my ideology for years to come and I know I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for it. I did a lot of LSD and it was by far my favorite drug. I felt like everything I did, I could do better on LSD. And listening to music would be a transcendental experience each and every time. Any song I thought I knew, would be like a new trip every time I listened to it. Ecstacy was nice but it was not LSD. I could say the same thing about mushrooms.

 

but over time, I became disillusioned with it all; every high was never as good as the first one; it was a constant attempt to duplicate that past feeling; and my mind never understood that it could never be replicated again, yet it chose to reach out for it at every opportunity; such is addiction; if I could put a monetary amount to all the drugs I did it would be at least $50K; what a waste of money

 

it took this D call for me to give it all up, and overnight; I look back now and I still can't believe what a nightmare it all was; the first experience was definitely an eye-opener, but by the end it was a struggle to stay balanced in a world that I saw as crooked and impossible to co-exist with

 

I pray nightly to stay on this new path; religion plays its part in all this without a doubt; although I still feel there is little hope for this marriage to work itself out, I remain positive in knowing that these changes are not only for her to see, but ultimately for me to live

Edited September 21, 2011 by c0nfuzd

[turnera]

confused, I have high hopes for your relationship. If she stuck with you through the drugs, she cares.

 

But there's a hidden danger here: you are experiencing TWO huge things right now - coming clean and dealing with your marriage for the first time. I'm a lot older than you. I've been through a lot. I'm trying to tell you that you can't just 'turn on' or 'turn off' who you are, who you've been, or how you feel.

 

You need professional help. Not because there's something wrong with you but because you're going through a TON of stuff right now, and I don't want you to slide off the rails and ruin your chances at your marriage. Find someone to talk to, ok?

[c0nfuzd]

you are right turnera, I am going thru a lot of stuff; the marriage, coming clean and let us not forget the surgery; I have my moments where I wonder how I am going to pull thru all this; it is unbelievable and surreal that it's all converging on me now; some days are easy but some days I feel overwhelmed, like I am done with this life; that I can't do it anymore; I used to feel this way when I did drugs too oddly enough; but being clean and dealing with these moments of incertitude is somehow easier; I know they come and go; I find the solution in staying active and keeping busy; when I am alone is when I am weakest; it's tough at times for sure

 

for the first time last night I did not take my painkillers and I guess I slept ok; I think I will continue without them from here on; I just don't want another addiction to battle down the road; I've read enough about painkiller addiction and I've no need to find myself embroiled in this

 

but I will heed your wisdom and go back for IC; I owe it to myself and this marriage; I do have to wait to be capable of driving myself as my wife is just so busy with work I dare not ask her to drive me to my own counseling; this may take some time to the tune of another 1-2 months but it has to be done; yet, I cannot deny that I am done with some things in my life; drugs being one of them; I've done enough and I am done with them; it seems so logical to me; I knew for some time that I wanted to stop but couldn't or wouldn't; and yet, when I did it was so easy to just... stop; when my back was up against the wall, I had no choice but to do it; a work colleague of mine was instrumental in making me abandon drugs that fateful day; if it wasn't for him, there's a good chance I would still be doing them as we speak; even my relations with people at work have improved; my boss seems nicer to me although he does not know of my drug abuse

 

she keeps wanting me to get back to work and I am not sure why; it's not like we're hurting for money and I do have partial income from the sick benefits coming in; I told my boss I am not ready to drive because the pain is still there; he has offered work from home which is what my wife wants me to go with; she seems so eager for me to get my salary back; maybe she wants me to continue paying the mortgage down so that more of it is payed off when she lets me go and she retains the house; or maybe it's a message that she needs me still and she won't kick me out; I want to believe that she is a just person but I do have my doubts because she has made her intentions clear about 3 months ago on the future of us; it's just so confusing; since then, she doesn't talk about our future anymore and her attitude has changed for sure; but is it this her way of dealing with her emotions while I recover? be nice and calm and then when he is done healing, present the news? or is she sitting back and looking at all these changes unfold and see if they can persist over time? I think she is also confused even though she seemed so certain at one point

[c0nfuzd]

one of my children's b-day is coming up and I was talking to my mom about it when suddenly I asked her if she wanted to come to it; I don't know why I did because I never asked her before; she agreed right away; this would be the first time in my children's life that she would attend one of their b-day parties; I kept my mother at bay for my children's entire life so far; she has seen them a couple of times but never on their b-days

 

she will also be meeting my wife's entire family for the first time ever; you will recall I have not invited my mother to our wedding, let alone asked her to spend any of her family events' with us; she is a mystery to her family; this should be quite interesting but my mother is not worried one bit; she is sure she will fit in; she simply wants to make sure that I am ok with it; and to be honest, I am a bit skeptical as to how all this will go down

 

you see, for the longest time I considered my mother a racist; having married a woman not from my background is highly frowned upon in my family and my mother was rather vocal about it at the time; but ever since I reconnected with my mother, and because of the lack of communication with her over these past decades, I've decided to finall fully disclose to her who I became over these past years, including my drug/verbal abuse; I have discovered a changed woman in her; one that no longer judges and accepts;as she says, she got on with the times; she realized the hurt she was inflicting on me and ultimately her grand-children; she knew that I did not want to talk to her so she kept her distance all these years; but in her heart she never lost hope that one day I would come back to her; looks like she was right lol; I am still so amazed at how much support I have gotten from her throughout this ordeal; never could I have imagined her to be a pillar of strength; her only concern is that I may be tempted down the road to revisit my drug habits, which in turn would definitely lead to a divorce; at this point, she is convinced the D is not in the cards, maybe separation but not D

 

I told my wife that my mom wants to come to the party and she was fine with it; there was no hesitation on her part, nor any surprise that I could see; I should mention that my wife has met my mother numerous times over the years; it should be interesting to say the least; my mom will finally get to see our house, and the kind of life I have been leading all these years

[turnera]

I am very impressed with you. Especially for inviting your mom. Good stuff.

[c0nfuzd]

I am very impressed with you. Especially for inviting your mom. Good stuff.

 

ya I thought it was a good idea...initially; until my wife brought it up again today; she says she only agreed to it because the kids were present and forgot to talk about it after they were in bed; she told me that it would be "weird and awkward" for my mom to meet her mom and dad for the first time since we been married on this occasion (the b-day that is); and I agree; as soon as I asked my mom last night to come over, I realized that it may not be a good idea given our situation; but my mom was so happy that I didn't want to backtrack; I didn't want to take away her happiness

 

the tone of voice in my wife's statements clearly tells me she is no closer to even begin healing, let alone forgive; I could clearly discern resentment and bitterness in her; and when I agreed with her,it seem to upset her even more; she turned it around and said that nowadays everytime I agree with her I am "weird"; she is looking for fights it seems to me but I don't want to give in; I apologized for putting in her in the situation of saying something she didn't mean (in front of the kids) and explained why I agree with her; she said last year would have been different if my mom were to come over for a b-day

 

so I had to tell the kids something came up and granma won't be coming over; then called mom and explained to her that it wasn't a good idea because of what is happening at the moment; she was understanding

[turnera]

WTH! Why would you back down on this? You have JUST AS MUCH right to have your mother there as she does to have HER family.

 

Come on, grow a pair and do what's right. Your kids need to get to know their grandmother.

[c0nfuzd]

I just don't want confrontation...I know I am weak; my wife just doesn't want my family to be part of hers; I am even surprised that she is having the party at our house; she has done her best to exclude me from all her family's events; she doesn't want me around when she is with her family; it's weird because I have known everyone in her family for 15 years so not seeing any of them for the past 4 months has not been easy; she says that I skipped out on so many family events over the years that I don't really care for her family; but the truth is closer to the fact that it gets boring after a while; every weekend is spent with her family and I am not exaggerating

 

I don't want to fight anymore with my wife; whatever she wants I oblige; I know it's over anyways but I keep on hoping blindly; when and if I leave, I cannot say I didn't try to improve myself; it's as if she wants me to be the old me because the "new" me just pisses her off too; I just can't win and I feel defeated; I will still do my part and clean the house before the party and do whatever she tells me to; it's the least I can do to show her that I still want to belong in our family; even though she doesn't want me in it

 

it's just too bad that the kids will ultimately suffer the consequences of her decision; but I will do my best to be there for them...always

[turnera]

Doing what she tells you, cleaning for her, saying yes ma'am will not get her to respect you or care for you. Standing up for yourself will. KNOW what you want and work toward that. Stop being weak. It will get you nothing and it will teach your kids to be strong mean women or weak unrespectable men.

[c0nfuzd]

Doing what she tells you, cleaning for her, saying yes ma'am will not get her to respect you or care for you. Standing up for yourself will. KNOW what you want and work toward that. Stop being weak. It will get you nothing and it will teach your kids to be strong mean women or weak unrespectable men.

 

I used to think I was strong, and looking back I was more of a bully; now I do see myself as weak and I think it's just my way of saying sorry for all the bad things I have done; she always was strong and that is why we clashed; because I couldn't reason with her at the time, my way of showing to be strong was to use foul language; now that I have removed this offensive trait, my real nature is revealed; and so I realize I've always been weak and always dominated by my wife; it's always been her way

 

I didn't want to move to the suburbs, or the house or the kids but she still got them despite my cursing and screaming; I don't want the job that I have but I am still there because she says I have to; I have always given in to her because...I love her and want her in my life; it's just that I showed it in a bad way all these years

 

and now I am trying my hand at tenderness; there is nothing wrong with agreeing with her; my values are not that important to me; if my marriage stays intact, I am willing to sacrifice my identity for it

 

the impact has been huge to say the least; she fights herself really when she chooses to engage me; there is little resistance that I offer, if any; and some days I see that she is more relaxed and her aggresiveness is diminished; is this good psychology? perhaps not, but I feel a lot quieter inside; hatred has been pushed aside and love replaces it; my kids are the first ones to say, why is mommy always yelling at us? they just don't remember the yelling I used to give them...and that's a good thing

 

I was always a gentle soul, but the drugs did a number on me; there is no denying this; my wife is always quick to point that she thinks I am weird now; she has never known me without drugs; but I have; I remember the time before the drug abuse; and it resembles a lot like I am now

 

what I am reading up on now is how to be dialogical without being confrontational; how to have a Friend/Friend relationship, instead of a Master/Slave one; it's gonna take time also I know; but slowly and surely I will be able to be a more personable partner not only towards my wife but towards everyone as well, regardless of their status; gosh have I a lot to change in me; I am so broken

[c0nfuzd]

the thing that bothers me the most about her is her lack of eye contact whenever I talk to her or even say hi, good night to her ; I find it so disrespectful...either that or she is hiding something from me; it's like I am not deserving of her

 

I just can't figure out why she is doing this; I told her about it and she barely acknowledged it; she looked up and then quickly shifter her gaze