how can I win her back?

[ShatteredReality]

I know all of this is difficult for you...you'll need to work hard to keep out of a depression. Something I was going to mention before...when you use drugs to cope with emotional issues you stop emotional growth. An example would be a gal I used to be friends with - she started smoking pot at 15 and dabbled in some other stuff...we hung out for a short while in our early 20's (her H was my H's best friend). Well anyhow, she still had the emotional coping skills of an abused 15yo. We parted ways and I ran into her a couple years ago and she had quit all drugs for a short while - like 2 yrs. She showed some growth in that time, but ultimately was emotionally still a teenager...maybe early 20's.

 

When my H was using - he had little to no coping skills. Even now...he still copes like a younger man than he is. He's catching up...but every now and again he sets himself back by taking Vicodin when he's depressed...and he's been on antidepressants for a few years now also. He wants the medications to fix the problem, rather than actually feeling all the pain involved in the healing process...so when he feels the pain he ups the dosage. Now, he does have clinical depression - it is rampant in his family and I can tell that's part of his problem, so I would never tell him to go off of the medications. I would say, however, that I think he could lower the dosage. But I'm not a dr - so at this point I figure if it's not illegal I can't really complain. I do get upset when he uses Vicodin or Percocet, though....and then I get very worried about the implications of starting back up on substance abuse. I even get nervous when he drinks. If he drinks once a week more than two weeks in a row I start to get worried. So I may have some paranoia I'm dealing with on this particular subject - however, I feel it's warranted.

 

That's another thing you should know...your progress in this area must be next to spotless for your W to believe it's real. If you have a drink, make sure she knows you cut it off after one...the last thing you need to do is drug replacement.

 

As for your fear of losing it all...You already have. You've lost your marriage, you've lost the first few years of your kids lives, and you've lost a great deal of self respect. The good news in all of this is - you still have many years to spend with your kids to enjoy them and love them and be with them, if you can fix your relationship with your wife you can have a better marriage now than you ever did before, and you can rebuild your feelings about yourself. So...it's all up from here. It's very important for yourself that you concentrate on what you do have rather than what you've lost. The old marriage is gone no matter what. Become her friend, then date her, then court her, then remarry her. That can be literal or figurative - whichever you prefer. And if you can't get past the friend part - then become the best father those kids could ever hope to have. Stick with Joint custody as a rule and build a life for yourself and for them that you can eventually introduce another woman into where you will treat her right and be happy with her. But first things first...you can be happy by yourself...you just need to teach yourself how to do it. And you can be happy as a single father if you must be...you need to teach yourself these things....and it's ok to feel the pain. It's natural. Just don't let it engulf your very being.

[turnera]

It takes a long time to undo 15 years of resentment.

[c0nfuzd]

Shattered, I do drink an occasional beer (1 every other month if that) so I am not worried about switching to a different addiction; I am confronting my pain lucidly and if it stays with me my whole life, so be it; it's the price I pay for all my years of drug abuse; I don't EVER want to run to drugs to deal with my emotions again

 

turnera, you sound exactly like ma momma LOL....that is exactly what she says when I complain to her

 

well, little chance that I have but I will make it count....I can't say I didn't try in the end

[c0nfuzd]

there is no way my wife is ready to look at any aspect of reconciliation; she can't even say goodbye to me when she steps out of the house but will say it to the kids; I command no respect in her eyes....none

 

yet, she will text me to get the kids ready for bed be4 she gets home, she will tell me what to feed them because she will be late, she will instruct me to call the lawn services people, she will have me do all the things she can't get to....yet I can't even get a simple goobye from her; she says hello because I initiate them; if the kids weren't around, she probably wouldn't say hello either

 

I don't know why I bother with this...that is why I won't have her look at any LB questionnaires or read her any passages from His needs Her needs....she is just not ready

 

btw, finally found the Marriage Builders videos on His Needs Her Needs but it's a Parenting Seminar; it does include a DVD titled Love Busters; guess I will start with that; the whole seminar is about creating a loving atmosphere for the children while maintaining love in the marriage; hard to do when one parent won't be around lol but le'ts see what it's about; maybe I can get her to watch it....some day

[ShatteredReality]

I really do feel for you Confused. This is such a difficult situation you're in. You are going to begin to build resentment eventually when all of your efforts keep going unrecognized. This is why I am telling you consistently to learn to be happy with you. Stop worrying about her right now. The problems in the marriage can't be tackled if her foot is outside of the marriage already. Instead you have to be a man who can survive just fine with her or without her...you have to be respectable to get respect...and she needs time to heal. You could try something completely different...I mean...Ok it's just an idea.

I am NOT a counselor! LOL

 

Ok...what if you left a flower on her pillow to find at night with a sweet card saying that you hope she has a good nights sleep? But - you don't make ANY effort to say ANY thing to her all day beforehand. No Hello - No goodbye. If she texts you respond with the minimal response - OK, WHAT TIME?, SURE, or whatever applies...like you would a buddy of yours if he texted you. If she's not into flowers then whatever she IS into...something like that. You get up and make breakfast for her and the kids, but don't say anything, just "breakfast is ready!" and there in her spot is breakfast, coffee...in a to go mug if need be (if she's even half like I am in the AMs running out the door). See, this way you're doing nice things for her but not requiring interactions. That way you don't get disappointed when she doesn't reciprocate and she doesn't feel the pressure of it all. Then, after you've tried this for a bit...if she doesn't naturally start to come around, you'll need to re-evaluate and see where to go from there.

 

It's an idea. My H tried a great many different things with me...while I was "checked out" though, it was all met with half hearted acceptance on my part. Cordially responding...though I will say this - I never stopped sleeping with him. I have a high drive, and it was purely for the physical release - but I have since read that that's a huge part of why we reconciled quicker than some. The physical contact increased our bond - so lack of it decreases the bond. The longer she goes without touching you at all - even a hand on the arm type of thing...well that's not a positive thing. I am not saying it's the end all of the relationship - just that, if she starts touching you at all again, that's a positive sign.

[c0nfuzd]

she doesn't eat breakfast; thought of that already but no can do in that department; I do like the flower idea; I am waiting to be able to drive again before I can attempt this; I also want to make it a habit to once a month to have fresh flowers in a vase in the kitchen so that she sees them every day before she goes out the door

 

nah, she hasn't touched me since she broke the news; NC at its best; I, however do attempt the occasional touch on the arm as she goes by but no more than that; maybe I should try something more (what have I got to lose?); I used to get a half-hearted hug from her 2 or 3 months ago, but even that is gone now; the only interaction we have left is talk; that is why I say I feel honored when she initiates a convo, because there is nothing else left; as for sex LOL, I used to have a high sex drive, she never did; now, I can safely say I don't have one either...sex is the last thing on my mind nowadays; she is still P.H.A.T. (I hope you know what that stands for) but if she suddenly popped naked in front of me, I would be like "what's the catch?"

 

at this point, I just want to hold her, to make her feel safe again in my arms but it's a pipe dream

 

I am starting to think not even time can heal her; does not mean I will run to drugs for comfort or give up, but it's hard to be happy in the face of all this

[turnera]

I like Shattered's suggestions. I also think that, if she is truly HATING you at this point, you need to question your future. We're not there, so we have no idea if she's just ticked off at you, or if she's wishing you would slink away because you disgust her. The former is doable; the latter is the point at which you need to pick up your britches and walk away.

[c0nfuzd]

I like Shattered's suggestions. I also think that, if she is truly HATING you at this point, you need to question your future. We're not there, so we have no idea if she's just ticked off at you, or if she's wishing you would slink away because you disgust her. The former is doable; the latter is the point at which you need to pick up your britches and walk away.

 

that's the thing...I am not 100% sure either; I don't think she truly HATES me, that I disgust her, but I also want to give her that space; if I give her a hug or a kiss on the cheek, it would be like not honoring her request for space; she definitely does not give me a hug or a kiss but she will initiate a convo even when the kids are not around so she is somewhat still comfortable with me

 

just this morning I told her how great she looked and she said Thanks; she didn't roll her eyes or dismiss me; I did get her flowers couple of times before the surgery and she again said Thanks; she didn't say to stop doing it; I even sent flowers to her work and she said Thanks; so some things seem to be ok; she also never said I couldn't give her hugs or kiss her; so maybe I should start again; she hasn't talked about divorce or not giving me hope in months; maybe those are all good signs and I am just thick at getting it; but the lack of eye contact coupled with her not initiating a hug or a kiss leads me to believe that I shouldn't try anything; that it's all a lost cause

 

I think you're right turnera, I need to grow a pair lol...I have nothing to lose anyways; and Shattered, as soon as I can drive your idea is first on my list

[turnera]

If I were her, the lack of contact is on purpose to not give you the idea that I want you to get hope. It has to come on her terms, so she's not going to give you the wrong idea.

 

Time is still your friend, as long as you don't get the 'get out of here' vibe. After all, it's better to be in your home with your kids, even if you aren't together as a couple. For now. But it shouldn't go on together. If you read about Plan A from marriagebuilders, they don't recommend doing it too long, because then YOU will start to resent HER and fall out of love with her; if you catch yourself doing that, it's time to move out.

 

And moving out isn't necessarily the end, either. By showing her that you WILL move on if you don't get reciprocation, it can make you look more admirable, like you respect yourself. And if YOU respect yourself, she will too. In other words, don't look like a sadsack doormat; make it clear you're around to make things up to her and you want her, but don't do it so long that you just look pathetic. You may even want to occasionally bring up what your life may look like if you move on; get her thinking.

 

On the hugging thing, wait for a good reason. Like if she gets a promotion or something good happens, something like that. That way, it makes sense for you to do it, not desparate.

[c0nfuzd]

If I were her, the lack of contact is on purpose to not give you the idea that I want you to get hope. It has to come on her terms, so she's not going to give you the wrong idea.

 

Time is still your friend, as long as you don't get the 'get out of here' vibe. After all, it's better to be in your home with your kids, even if you aren't together as a couple. For now. But it shouldn't go on together. If you read about Plan A from marriagebuilders, they don't recommend doing it too long, because then YOU will start to resent HER and fall out of love with her; if you catch yourself doing that, it's time to move out.

 

And moving out isn't necessarily the end, either. By showing her that you WILL move on if you don't get reciprocation, it can make you look more admirable, like you respect yourself. And if YOU respect yourself, she will too. In other words, don't look like a sadsack doormat; make it clear you're around to make things up to her and you want her, but don't do it so long that you just look pathetic. You may even want to occasionally bring up what your life may look like if you move on; get her thinking.

 

On the hugging thing, wait for a good reason. Like if she gets a promotion or something good happens, something like that. That way, it makes sense for you to do it, not desparate.

 

I see...now I am clearer on what I must do. I will give her more time and then prepare my exit plan. I don't want to be around if I am not wanted around, as much as it hurts. I will wait till my recovery is complete and then get the gears in motion.

 

I will try to give nudges and winks along the way that I still want her (which I am sure she knows anyways) but my life has to go on. No point in sticking around if nothing is ever gonna change. I have tried my hardest to show her a different side of me, but if that cannot sway her, nothing will. We both deserve to be happy and it may not be possible with each other. I have to accept this. I think that if she got some IC, the chances would be higher for reconciliation but I can't force her. Since she refuses to contemplate this option, she definitely does not want this to work out. I guess she has the WAW syndrome.

 

I am disappointed with myself that I did all this. I have learned my lesson, although it was not enough to fix the marriage. Like she said: "too little, too late." I sincerely hope she finds happiness with someone else since I could not do it, and that the kids will be ok with all this and grow up as if there was never a divorce. I will do my best to assist and be the father they deserve, without being there for them every morning and every night.

[turnera]

Oops. I meant to say it shouldn't go on forever.

[ShatteredReality]

You're poor brain is going 1056 miles per minute you know this right? STOP!!

 

Let me say this again - STOP!

 

Take this one moment at a time. One day at a time. Sure, have a plan for either outcome. That's just smart thinking. But don't give up yet. You're in a holding pattern. You just had that surgery and are still recovering - don't take her lack of eye contact as anything more than caution at this point. Turnera was right on point - she doesn't want to mislead you! Even though I remained physically involved with my H - I constantly told him not to read into it. I told him I still didn't think we had a chance at making it. I TOLD him that we could be FWF! (if you know phat I am guessing you know that one, if not let me know.) She can't commit to you because she's terrified it's all a hoax. She may allow that fear to keep her from you forever...she may not come back around. But you'll never know if you give up now.

 

I don't know if she likes corny...but you know you can make flowers out of duct tape or paper? Just saying...you can do things around the house. You don't really have to spend a lot of $ on her to show her you were thinking of her. And if you do little cutesy things here or there but then don't mention it...it's low key and she gets to feel a little special. I'm not a girly girl, but the cheesy stuff seems to work on me fairly well. He made a video of him and the kids playing, uploaded it to Youtube so I could watch it at work...at the end of it he had a photo of himself standing on our front lawn and he wrote that was my loving husband.

 

Take time to breathe, to heal, and continue your progress. It's not overnight and it takes awhile to be "real" - no matter how you feel now, backsliding is a possibility for all of us. If it weren't there would be no such terms as "falling off the wagon" or "relapsing". One of your best defenses will be admitting it CAN happen, but knowing that you'll do everything your power to make sure it DOESN'T.

[turnera]

That reminds me of something I was going to say earlier. You say you do flowers. Are you abolutely sure she likes flowers? I don't. I think it's stupid to get flowers. I would never SAY that to my husband, but I think it.

 

Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? It talks about how we all receive and give love differently and that you need to KNOW your spouse's LLs so that you don't spin your wheels (or go backwards) by trying to show love in ways they won't appreciate.

 

If my DH came home from work one day, went into the closet, and pulled out the curtains I bought 9 years ago to hang in the bathroom, which he said he would do and told me not to do it, and actually hung them up, I would be SO over the moon in love with him that he'd have a grand ol' time that night. It would fill me with so much love. Instead, he buys me perfume. And jewelry. And clothes. None of which I want. He is spinning his wheels. No, actually, he's going backwards, because he KNOWS that fixing the house is all I care about, and yet he chooses to buy flowers instead of fixing the hole in the ceiling.

 

Are you sure you know her LLs?

[ShatteredReality]

That reminds me of something I was going to say earlier. You say you do flowers. Are you abolutely sure she likes flowers? I don't. I think it's stupid to get flowers. I would never SAY that to my husband, but I think it.

 

Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? It talks about how we all receive and give love differently and that you need to KNOW your spouse's LLs so that you don't spin your wheels (or go backwards) by trying to show love in ways they won't appreciate.

 

If my DH came home from work one day, went into the closet, and pulled out the curtains I bought 9 years ago to hang in the bathroom, which he said he would do and told me not to do it, and actually hung them up, I would be SO over the moon in love with him that he'd have a grand ol' time that night. It would fill me with so much love. Instead, he buys me perfume. And jewelry. And clothes. None of which I want. He is spinning his wheels. No, actually, he's going backwards, because he KNOWS that fixing the house is all I care about, and yet he chooses to buy flowers instead of fixing the hole in the ceiling.

 

Are you sure you know her LLs?

 

YES! That's what I was trying to convey - but Turnera did it so much better! My H doesn't have to spend $ to make me happy, it's in the doing. Making that video...making me coffee when I wake up in the AM b/c I never have time to do it myself...making me popcorn when I am watching a movie after the kids go to bed and he knows I am too tired to get up and do it myself so I'll likely go without...

 

Or even better - hanging the shelves I've been asking for him to hang for 5yrs. Finishing putting up the trim around the edges of the house. Cleaning the kitchen for me. Making dinner without me having to ask him to. Putting away the clean clothes after I've washed them - or better yet, doing the laundry.

 

But when we were reconciling - I needed some of the corny things too, to really turn my head...like being courted again. I don't need jewelry or fancy bouquets of roses - though I do enjoy a rose or two, or even a plant b/c then I have a chance to try to keep something alive and pretty rather than just watch it die....

 

But that's what it took for ME - what it takes for your wife might be different. It's up to you to really analyze how well you know her to know what turns her head?

[c0nfuzd]

you gals are the only thing that keeps me from calling it a day in this M....so much info you've given me, I will have to reread your posts couple more times to let it all sink in

 

and yes, my brain is in overdrive; I just can't seem to keep it in check; one moment all seems like it will work itself out, the next I see it all falling apart...and yet I am still here, in the house, no talk of separation/divorce for past 2 months, no arguments either

 

for some reason, I just can't stay true to my ultimate plan which is to stay put and keep doing what I am doing till she says that's it; instead, my mind conceives novel ways of ending it such as asking her if she wants me to move out before Christmas, I can do that; part of me wants to end her pain that I have caused her for so many years, and the other part of me wants to hang on and show her this new me; I don't know why I do it to myself...maybe it's because I have nothing else to do all day besides being couch-ridden and/or going out for my walks; solitude is exhausting on me

 

it's easy to say to take it one day at a time, but it's so much harder for me to live it; I keep repeating it to myself (as does my mother lol), somehow I can't live it

 

I tried yoga and meditation, works for that moment, and then find myself again lost in my thoughts; I need something from her to believe and she is not giving me anything; I understand why she isn't but that is all it would take to change my frame of mind; her silence is just deafening and it's the hardest part in dealing with this; I can accept the no-touch/no sex approach, but when I see her and she barely acknowledges me, never talks about fixing us, that is the deadliest blow to my ego; there is no more extreme torture for me than her silence on us; and I see why she does it, she wants silence to think over things, and space to reel and heal from all that has happened; the fact it is taking so long with no discussions in between, I just lose myself

[turnera]

I forget, are you in therapy? You need someone to talk to about this. And a therapist can give you some good advice, and also help you grow personally. Something to fill that void you have from getting off the drugs.

[c0nfuzd]

That reminds me of something I was going to say earlier. You say you do flowers. Are you abolutely sure she likes flowers? I don't. I think it's stupid to get flowers. I would never SAY that to my husband, but I think it.

 

Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? It talks about how we all receive and give love differently and that you need to KNOW your spouse's LLs so that you don't spin your wheels (or go backwards) by trying to show love in ways they won't appreciate.

 

If my DH came home from work one day, went into the closet, and pulled out the curtains I bought 9 years ago to hang in the bathroom, which he said he would do and told me not to do it, and actually hung them up, I would be SO over the moon in love with him that he'd have a grand ol' time that night. It would fill me with so much love. Instead, he buys me perfume. And jewelry. And clothes. None of which I want. He is spinning his wheels. No, actually, he's going backwards, because he KNOWS that fixing the house is all I care about, and yet he chooses to buy flowers instead of fixing the hole in the ceiling.

 

Are you sure you know her LLs?

 

I think I know her LLs...not sure really

 

I know she likes the house to be clean so I do that, and to look after the kids and I do that too; outside of that, I can only guess

 

found 5 LLs audiobook online...thanks for the tip

[c0nfuzd]

I forget, are you in therapy? You need someone to talk to about this. And a therapist can give you some good advice, and also help you grow personally. Something to fill that void you have from getting off the drugs.

 

 

not at the moment...wife too busy to even take me to doctor so can't ask her to take me to therapy as well; it's on my to-do list as soon as I can drive

[ShatteredReality]

Ok, so this will have to be your therapist for the time being. Vent on here. Rant on here. Learn on here. Then, when you can get out and about, seek some professional assistance. Now...take it all with a grain of salt. Please. Know that the person helping you may hold degrees and such - but they are still human and prone to personal opinion!

 

My H and I did MC at first - but the bluntly told us we didn't need it. She said we needed IC...more to the point, that HE needed it. So she referred him to a colleague and I continued to see her a bit. By our second alone visit she told me I had all the tools I needed, I just had to use them. By the fourth she told me we didn't need to do this so regularly anymore and quarterly check ups would be fine. She was mostly right...I mostly just needed someone to confide in...I already had enough "coping" knowledge to know what I SHOULD be doing.

 

One other thing she told me - the biggest advice she gave me and I didn't follow it. She told me to kick him out for 6 months. She said it'd be the only way to give him the chance to grow up, stop manipulating me, and see what he'd really put on the line. This from a woman who knew quite openly (possibly moreso than I've even let on here) everything we'd done back and forth to each other.

 

That was my last session with her.

 

It's hard to live the one day at a time because you're still planning for tomorrow. Do yourself a favor...make two written plans - one for reconciliation and one for the event that she won't take you back. Put them away. Leave them alone.

 

It's cheaper to live in the basement for the time being and get your ducks in a row, even if reconciliation doesn't happen. It's better for the kids to have you closer. So just concentrate on today...you have a plan on paper if you need it - so think no further than what you need to accomplish today. Keep a running list if you need to. At work I make a todo list, I cross things off as they are done and once I move to the following page if something hasn't been done I put it on the new page so I don't have to keep flipping back. I used to use sticky notes to mark it before I started doing that. I learned this trick while working at a lawfirm from one of the most organized secretaries I had ever met. It keeps me focused on todays projects. I have a running list of ongoing projects with their "due dates" also...I wish I could be this organized at home - but there is a site called "flylady.com" where she gives all kinds of tips and tricks too.

 

Just saying...I know it hurts...you need to allow yourself to feel that...but don't let it engulf your whole life. You're doing GREAT - concentrate on your progress right now!

[turnera]

Do you have any friends? Can you call someone up and ask them to swing by and pick you up so you and he can go out and do something? You'll look more attractive to her if you have a life.

[c0nfuzd]

Ok, so this will have to be your therapist for the time being. Vent on here. Rant on here. Learn on here. Then, when you can get out and about, seek some professional assistance. Now...take it all with a grain of salt. Please. Know that the person helping you may hold degrees and such - but they are still human and prone to personal opinion!

 

My H and I did MC at first - but the bluntly told us we didn't need it. She said we needed IC...more to the point, that HE needed it. So she referred him to a colleague and I continued to see her a bit. By our second alone visit she told me I had all the tools I needed, I just had to use them. By the fourth she told me we didn't need to do this so regularly anymore and quarterly check ups would be fine. She was mostly right...I mostly just needed someone to confide in...I already had enough "coping" knowledge to know what I SHOULD be doing.

 

One other thing she told me - the biggest advice she gave me and I didn't follow it. She told me to kick him out for 6 months. She said it'd be the only way to give him the chance to grow up, stop manipulating me, and see what he'd really put on the line. This from a woman who knew quite openly (possibly moreso than I've even let on here) everything we'd done back and forth to each other.

 

That was my last session with her.

 

It's hard to live the one day at a time because you're still planning for tomorrow. Do yourself a favor...make two written plans - one for reconciliation and one for the event that she won't take you back. Put them away. Leave them alone.

 

It's cheaper to live in the basement for the time being and get your ducks in a row, even if reconciliation doesn't happen. It's better for the kids to have you closer. So just concentrate on today...you have a plan on paper if you need it - so think no further than what you need to accomplish today. Keep a running list if you need to. At work I make a todo list, I cross things off as they are done and once I move to the following page if something hasn't been done I put it on the new page so I don't have to keep flipping back. I used to use sticky notes to mark it before I started doing that. I learned this trick while working at a lawfirm from one of the most organized secretaries I had ever met. It keeps me focused on todays projects. I have a running list of ongoing projects with their "due dates" also...I wish I could be this organized at home - but there is a site called "flylady.com" where she gives all kinds of tips and tricks too.

 

Just saying...I know it hurts...you need to allow yourself to feel that...but don't let it engulf your whole life. You're doing GREAT - concentrate on your progress right now!

 

ok, I will do this and see how it pans out; I am still working on my groveling list but hey, this should keep me busy for a few more days, which I am more than ok with, seeing there is nothing else I can do around the house (that my surgeon allows me to)

 

I think that is what will happen to me as well, but instead of 6 months it will be an entire year; and that will be the real test for us; to see how I carry on outside the marriage and if I will still be as devoted to her and the kids, or if I will have moved on; I intend to wait; no way am I moving on; even after D, if it happens, I have no intentions of jumping into any relationship for a looooong time, if ever; I can't start all over; I may sound young but I am not that young to start anew; I wouldn't even know how to date, my charming tactics are 15 years old lol

 

Do you have any friends? Can you call someone up and ask them to swing by and pick you up so you and he can go out and do something? You'll look more attractive to her if you have a life.

 

sadly, no; the only friend that I had does more dope than I ever did; so I stay away from him; he doesn't get it that I'm done with it; keeps enticing me to smoke up, so I pass; matter of fact, I've stopped hanging out with him for some time now; at first I was ok with him smoking up in my presence, but when he tries to get me to smoke with him, well I know that's not a friend no more; prolly never was; oddly enough he doesn't call anymore either

 

as I said in my earlier posts, because of my drug abuse I literally have no friends; the only other people that I know are part of her family and she won't let me get near them so I am all alone; just the kids are left and she takes them away as well any chance she gets; she contends that I didn't want the kids anyways despite me explaining that I didn't want kids generally speaking, but I definitely want my kids

 

now off for my rehabilitative walk

[ShatteredReality]

So we have to get you socializing a bit.

 

I am curious, now that you've referenced your age - how old are you?

 

Depending on the area where you live, you may be able to find friends relatively easily...though it would probably be best if they were other married men since single men tend to encourage one another to hit on women...lol. If you've picked up religion you could potentially find some buddies at church or something...but the old friends do have to go. That was one of the things I noticed about H - any friends with drug ties needed to be gone - even if they cleaned up too it seemed like they brought out the worst in eachother.

[c0nfuzd]

So we have to get you socializing a bit.

 

I am curious, now that you've referenced your age - how old are you?

 

Depending on the area where you live, you may be able to find friends relatively easily...though it would probably be best if they were other married men since single men tend to encourage one another to hit on women...lol. If you've picked up religion you could potentially find some buddies at church or something...but the old friends do have to go. That was one of the things I noticed about H - any friends with drug ties needed to be gone - even if they cleaned up too it seemed like they brought out the worst in eachother.

 

I am 41...I live in a suburb where there is not much; the city beside me is a big one, but my city is quite smaller; to give you an idea, if you can't drive, you're pretty much SOL here; my house is my church; I don't go to church (at least not yet because of my inability to drive; hopefully within a month if the surgeon gives me the green light)

 

the old friends are all gone; ironically, I had more friends when I did drugs than I do now that I am sober....lol; but I understand that they were fake friends, just there for the good times

 

I've been alone for so many years....just me and my weed; I've alienated my family all along; it hits home now; I was too high at the time to realize it; it took the D wakeup call for me to snap out of this trance I was in

 

luckily I still have TV, the Internet and music to keep me company and that's about it...I am at the bottom of the well and I know the only way is up from here; I have learnt so much about what marriage is in the last 4 months by listening and reading than I did in the entire 10 years I was in it

[c0nfuzd]

the 5 LLs was an eye-opener; I think she has all 5 of them but in various degrees; I don't think she has one specific one; I would have to say I tended to none of them in the past 10 years and if I did, it was so little that it probably did not even register on her love radar; I was too selfish, ego-centric to even acknowledge her emotional needs, her love languages

 

however, over the past 5 months I can attest to attempting indirectly each one of them in one way or another; oddly enough I know what it takes to get to her heart but if it's not open to receive, it's of no use

 

last night was horrid; our older child threw a fit for 2 hours; and my wife was livid at how I wanted to resolve the situation; she made it sound like I was the reason for that child's behavior and her inability to control it; I explained to her that we may have different parenting skills but that I am open to hers since she knows more about child-rearing than I do; I never raised my voice at her, nor lost my temper, or cursed; I could see that she understood me because she kept telling our child that "Daddy is not coming upstairs...you need to calm down on your own."; so I took her approach and let her handle it her way; this morning she followed it up by reiterating that mommy and daddy are on the same page when it comes to dealing with misbehavior; I was proud of the way I handled myself; it's so much easier nowadays

[c0nfuzd]

I have written my 2 plans....one for reconciliation (the daily one) and one for separation (the possible future one)...it felt good just to write them down

 

the groveling list is also done...let's see if this helps me