Author c0nfuzd Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 You can't hear anything with your ears plugged. She told you - somehow along the way she said or did things to let you know. You weren't paying attention. I promise you she tried to let you know her pain at some point and then she just eventually realized you weren't responding and she gave up. I did the same thing. I even told him if he didn't change I'd leave...but it didn't sink in until I said "I'm leaving". For some reason "I'm going to leave" doesn't have the same impact as "I'm leaving". I hate it when you women are right lol...she did try to tell me, you're right; I was prolly high at the time the bolded part...so true...dang I was an idiot; oh well, can't dwell on the past and only move forward; I am listening now, but is it 2 late Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I have that list....the one of all the things my Dh has said to me...thought if I could just show it to him he'd slap his head and say 'what was I thinking?!' and change. All he did was get mad at me for accusing him. So I withdrew a little more and, like shattered, started giving up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 I betcha my wife has the list too...how else could she remember what I said 14 years ago lol I have come to understand how wrong I have been all these years, so if a list was presented to me, I doubt I would disagree with it; my mind was in shambles so even if she said I had an A, I would prolly have to agree with her j/k j/k.... one thing I have noticed over the last few days is that I don't feel heartache no more; just a deep sense of shame; ever since I wrote the Separation list that SR told me to, I can see what my future holds if this marriage doesn't work out moreover, every day I read the Reconciliation and Groveling lists and boy do they make a difference in how I feel; I hope to feel the same going forward; I am sure I even come across differently to her, not as edgy anymore; few days ago she said that she could sense my not wanting to offend her or to say anything wrong; I exuded this false sense of security and she could pick up on it gawddawmm women are so intuitive; I had to lie and say that she's wrong but I couldn't get over how she always knows how I am feeling inside; she does know me well after all these years lol I always joke to her that she knows me better than I know myself hehe Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Once, he asked me why I was two different people. He said he would watch me at work or with other people, I was happy and bubbly and conversational...he said I kinda lit up and became the girl I was when he first met me. He said he didn't understand why I left that girl outside when I walked through the front door...I didn't either when he asked me that. But I do now. the other day her phone called me at home by mistake and I stayed on the phone a little longer after realizing she wasn't on the line; she was out for lunch with her boss and listening to her talking to him reminded me exactly of how she used to be when we met...so alive and happy and bubbly; she was laughing and having a great time saying things like "I love that about you"...it hurt so much to know that she isn't like that in my presence; in fact, I can't recall the last time she had such a wonderful time in my company...seems like years ago and it was all so strange at the same time because it sounded like she didn't have a care in the world; she is so good at covering her emotions which may be for the better since she doesn't want her work to be affected...that would not bode well for all of us if she lost her job; her boss knows about our impending split btw I just hate myself for taking away that "fun" side of her; I know it's still there but it's not available to me; can't help to think that I may never see it again; clearly she has to make some effort in all this; I can only do so much; but for the time being, I understand time is key Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredReality Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Fold up today's pain and put it in your pocket. Dwelling on it will make it worse. You're learning more each day. You're becoming a better father and a better man...also you're becoming a better husband. Forward motion, Confused, not backward. She may be able to light up for you again...but it will take time...time time time....as difficult as that may be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Fold up today's pain and put it in your pocket. Dwelling on it will make it worse. You're learning more each day. You're becoming a better father and a better man...also you're becoming a better husband. Forward motion, Confused, not backward. She may be able to light up for you again...but it will take time...time time time....as difficult as that may be. I've always been more of a realist, although most would label me a pessimist...and the reality of all this is that I lose; some things I will have gained because of this travesty but it is the thing that I may lose that impacts me the most...the marriage and as hard as I try with prayer, meditation, reflection, the pain no matter how subtle and how it manifests itself is always there; for the most part, it hides, but when it reveals itself, I become a little weaker...however brief that moment be I know that tomorrow will be a better day, at least the start of it; somewhere along that line, I will falter again succumbing to my own nemesis...the shame of what I have done and what it will cost me I've never shied away from owning up to my mistakes but these marital mistakes of abuse and neglect are inexcusable and hard to face head on; how could I be forgiven and most of all why? I don't deserve this woman and I certainly don't deserve this family; I have spent years pushing them away, there is no reason in this universe to be granted a last chance...for what? I owe her the rest of my life to right my wrong; she owes me nothing even if I change, what is to say I won't go back to my old self? I keep saying I won't, but even I don't really know; rather, I should say I would like not to go back, but I don't know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won't go back....only God knows what I will be up to say 10 years from now so is it any wonder that she is skeptical about all this? absolutely not; I have more tools at my disposal than I ever have, thus I am better equipped to handle this relationship but there are no guarantees that it will work; she is not a lab experiment, she is a human being whose been degraded over time so badly that no amount of TLC could possibly work on her I am grasping at straws and that is the truth...I would like to end my story with a happy conclusion, I would like to say that it all worked out in the end, that we lived happily ever after...but this is no Disney story, no fairy tale, simply a love story gone wrong like so many others in this world...this would be more realistic to me of course this does not mean I give up; I am going out in a blaze of glory, if only to relieve my shattered dignity, or whatever is left of it Link to post Share on other sites
StroboscopeHero Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Hello!, first of all I wanna welcome to all users. My name is Agnes. Yesterday I did renovation at house and something went wrong and there are some dark spots. It looks like that: Marketing w wyszukiwarkach . I'll be grateful for any help how to repair that. Itis really important for me. For better day I'm pasting pic of my friend: http://zef.me/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/funny-dog-costume.jpg Link to post Share on other sites
StroboscopeHero Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Hello everybody!, at the beginning I must say hi everybody. My name is Martha. Yesterday I 've made renovation at flat and something was wrong and there are some dark spots. It looks like that: Pozycjonowanie . Thanx for all help what to do with that. Itis really important for me. For better day I'm sending you picture of my friend: http://zef.me/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/funny-dog-costume.jpg Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I just hate myself for taking away that "fun" side of herI used to laugh all the time. Good hearty laughs. Until I got married, and my husband started making fun of my laugh; I'd laugh and he'd come right back with some ridiculous, over-the-top, make-fun-of-me laugh. It humiliated me. So I stopped laughing in his presence. Once in a while, I'll forget who I'm with and come out with one, like I did a couple days ago. Sure enough, he bounces right back with his make-fun-of-me laugh. I even asked him why he did it and he doesn't know. I even told him he was why I stopped laughing. Didn't change. So I remain vigilant, in protect-myself mode whenever I'm around him. That's why I'm happy when he's gone. That's why I go to work to decompress from having to remain 'on' when I'm around him. A hurts B; B modifies himself to avoid A's hurt. On and on. Until you are no longer the person you used to be. If you can do some real, deep, circumspection about who she really is, what her core is, what she would be if there were NO baggage, if she were totally free to be herself and never again worry about what anyone says, never worry about reactions from people, never worry about being made to feel bad...THEN you could build back up a relationship in which YOU are the safe spot. Where YOU provide that world of safety, of not having to be 'on' all the time. Hard work, but worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I'veI will falter again succumbing to my own nemesis...the shame of what I have done and what it will cost me Now this is something you can do something about. Does your work afford you a phone therapist? Many companies do. Since you're homebound, reach out to someone so you can start to work on your shame and guilt. You will never be a whole, healthy, GOOD partner for her until you can come to grips with what you did...and forgive yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Now this is something you can do something about. Does your work afford you a phone therapist? Many companies do. Since you're homebound, reach out to someone so you can start to work on your shame and guilt. You will never be a whole, healthy, GOOD partner for her until you can come to grips with what you did...and forgive yourself. I will look into this; and looks I may be starting to work from home this upcoming week as well....yay! Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 I used to laugh all the time. Good hearty laughs. Until I got married, and my husband started making fun of my laugh; I'd laugh and he'd come right back with some ridiculous, over-the-top, make-fun-of-me laugh. It humiliated me. So I stopped laughing in his presence. Once in a while, I'll forget who I'm with and come out with one, like I did a couple days ago. Sure enough, he bounces right back with his make-fun-of-me laugh. I even asked him why he did it and he doesn't know. I even told him he was why I stopped laughing. Didn't change. So I remain vigilant, in protect-myself mode whenever I'm around him. That's why I'm happy when he's gone. That's why I go to work to decompress from having to remain 'on' when I'm around him. A hurts B; B modifies himself to avoid A's hurt. On and on. Until you are no longer the person you used to be. If you can do some real, deep, circumspection about who she really is, what her core is, what she would be if there were NO baggage, if she were totally free to be herself and never again worry about what anyone says, never worry about reactions from people, never worry about being made to feel bad...THEN you could build back up a relationship in which YOU are the safe spot. Where YOU provide that world of safety, of not having to be 'on' all the time. Hard work, but worth it. seems to me this is where she is at...I see her free of baggage (i.e. me); she says everything that is on her mind, she laughs heartily (but with the kids), she expresses all her work problems uncensored; she even told me she is no longer walking on eggshells for the last 5 months because she "is no longer in love with me" switching tracks, you sound unhappy in your marriage still...why are you still in it? is your love bank slowly emptying? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I used to stay because I was afraid of the hassle he would create if I left; I'm the only thing he's ever wanted and I KNOW he wouldn't take it lightly. Nowadays, it's a comfortable life. We're $100,000 in debt so I couldn't even afford to move out if I wanted. And I still don't want the hassle. I am learning to speak up to get what I want, so it's worth hanging around, I guess. Re your wife, you say she's free now, but when she looks at you, she shuts back down again. If you want her to keep you you have to find a way to stop being that source of pain. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 There's a really big weight lifted when one person says they're done. Suddenly, they no longer have to make their actions based on keeping the marriage going. It's very freeing. Maybe you could pursue a relationship with her that doesn't require staying married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 There's a really big weight lifted when one person says they're done. Suddenly, they no longer have to make their actions based on keeping the marriage going. It's very freeing. Maybe you could pursue a relationship with her that doesn't require staying married. I will let her make that call...when and if she wants out, I will comply but I see she still reaches out...our older child again threw a huge fit and I let her deal with it; after a while, she came down to talk to me to see what else we can do to get it under control; she looked away while talking but at least I know that my opinion is being sought out Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 The more times you get to show her this great new you, the more she is able to visualize a good life with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 she just took off for another business trip....last minute type of announcement and I took a hug (thanks turnera)...I didn't care if she wanted one or not....I took it; and it was a nice hug she gave; not as half-assed as the ones at first were she got in the car and then realized she forgot something and went back in the house; I so wanted to give her another hug but I got scared....and it looked to me as she was ready to give me another one, if I had made the move; instead she walked past me and drove off....dammit! well, kids love it when she goes away; I make sure they never miss her by having movies with popcorn for them, outside activities, staying up a wee later than mommy allows lol...I think it's better that they have fun whenever she flies out, as opposed to being upset and crying over her Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Good for you. Touching, if appropriate, is good for the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted October 15, 2011 Author Share Posted October 15, 2011 I hate weekends; every Friday and Saturday nights I spend alone; I don't know why I even bother with all this; I suppose I would be even more alone if I left it used to be that I had drugs on these nights, so it was nice to be alone; but ever since going clean, I am more miserable than I ever was I keep telling myself that all this is worthwhile; worthwhile for what? especially since I have nothing going with my wife; she gives me no hope at all; what are the odds she will turn around and forgive me? slim to none am I destined to be roomates with the woman I supposedly married for life? what kind of marriage is this? it's like a neverending bad trip, that's what this is I want to give up so badly Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 well tonight was quite the eye-opener; decided to go to the local bar (I don't drink but I thought I would get a change of scenery since I get so bored at home) and met some interesting people...drunks and cokeheads; then I got pinched for smokes and money; won't be going back there that's for sure lol so I realized that I am very fortunate with what I have...even though I live in the basement, I still get to see my kids every morning and get to put them to bed every night; I also get to see my wife every day it could be worse without a doubt...I will stop my sulking and be thankful for the little that I still have tonight is a huge motivator to stay on the clean path and to work even harder every day for my family and prove that I belong here Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Good for you. And just remember that, even if you don't end up staying married to her, actually experiencing your life - whatever form it takes - is better than stuttering through it in a drug-induced coma. Now THAT is a waste of a life. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredReality Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Good for you. And just remember that, even if you don't end up staying married to her, actually experiencing your life - whatever form it takes - is better than stuttering through it in a drug-induced coma. Now THAT is a waste of a life. Agreed Keep looking at what you've gained and at some point the losses won't be so overwhelming. Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 made the monthly mistake again of talking about our situation...when will I learn to leave that alone? it brings me nothing but heartache to hear her say that nothing has changed for her...she still wants separation, don't know when, she can't even give me a date let alone papers; at least we didn't argue throughout the whole conversation; she says that this "new" me is unnatural...she is not used to seeing me behave like this; I jokingly asked her if she wanted the "old" me back; she likes the fact I gave up the dope...for the kids' sake at least she can't see this working itself out because we can never be physical with each other again; oddly enough, sex was always an issue the entire marriage, I always had to go get it from her, she never made the advances; and now, she tells me that without sex we can't have a marriage? I wonder if it's her way of saying that she needs it from someone else she thinks I don't love her, she doesn't feel it; that I am going thru all this because of what I stand to lose....the kids, the house; she asked me why I love her; I told her I simply feel it; thing is, how do I show her I love her, when I live in the basement, can't kiss/touch/hold her and can't do anything with her or for her; I would think that taking care of the kids and the house consistently should be a hint that I love her; if I didn't, why would I be going thru all the suffering, the heartache? I could just leave on a side note, she is now seeing a personal therapist; she only said that it was good; added nothing else; I just hope this therapist doesn't convince her to serve me the papers so that she can find her happiness again; but I hear her laugh with the kids so much, reminds me of how she used to be and I miss that she can't laugh with me too I now realize that this is going to be a loooooong road if it is going to fix itself....a BIG if; and it is clear to me that if I gave her 8 years of hell, then it's only fair I go thru 8 years of suffering as well; I am willing to wait if that's what it takes and if she lets me stay in the house that long; I just hope I am not wasting my time Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I have to say, her seeing an IC is not usually a great thing. Her IC probably WILL tell her to leave you. That's what mediocre therapists do. All you can do is take the high road and keep doing what you know you should have all along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author c0nfuzd Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 ya no kidding....that's what my therapist was doing too...instead of helping me keep my marriage together by giving me pointers, he kept trying to make me get over it and picture my life after divorce it's a lot easier and quicker to tell someone to give up than to fix it...we'll see Link to post Share on other sites
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