how can I win her back?

[c0nfuzd]

the kids had a blast and so did I; too bad I couldn't have this type of fun all these years; it's because of those damn drugs; gawd, I wish I never did them; wouldn't be where I am today; for the first time ever I sat around the entire party talking to everyone; and oddly enough, my surgery pain seemed less because I was laughing and having a great time

 

I didn't even miss my mother's presence and neither did the kids lol...too busy opening up presents and playing and horsing around

 

wifey just changed plans on me last minute today; wants me to take the kids to school tomorrow so that she can go in early to work; I wonder if I am just a tool for her and whether she appreciates my flexibility at a time when I am supposed to recover at home; but I would do anything to help her and our family

 

something interesting she said today when I told her that my recovery would take longer than the 1 month I had anticipated; she said not to worry that "we" could handle it financially, that it would be tight but can be done; so why would she want to kick me out and just get by? why complicate matters for herself and the kids when you see change right before your eyes?

 

I hope and pray to God she gives us one more chance; for the sake of our kids and for us too; I truly believe I can make her happy; may not have done it all these years but I have a recipe on moving forward; constantly getting educated on what I could do differently to make this marriage work and last; if only she would let me show her...well, maybe one day in the not-too-distant future

 

hope is all I have and I am hanging onto it for dear life

Edited September 26, 2011 by c0nfuzd

[turnera]

confuzd, it sounds like she may not be deadset on splitting up. I would just move forward as if she's not, don't bring it up, let things keep improving.

[c0nfuzd]

thank you turnera....I think you are right....just let time do its trick and don't put any pressure on her; the way I see it, I can stay in that basement for as long as necessary, stay clean and sober, keep being the father I should have been all these years, bring money into the house, take care of the house, and not ask anything of her; I snuck a text on her last week just to let her know I still think about her; she didn't reply but judging by her mood, she didn't mind it

 

today I feel like a million bucks; for the first time in the last 4 months I slept through the whole night and did not wake up once; I just remember closing my eyes and when I opened them it was time to get up for the day; and still no painkillers needed, so at this point I am not going back to the meds; don't see the point; still have some pain here and there but when I can sleep thru the night, it's a good sign for me

 

we spoke this morning before she left and it's like there was no hint of any trouble in our lives; this is what I need to see all the time from her; that she has a safety net in her own home; she walked on eggshells for far too long, to the point that she used to start shaking before she got home; she didn't know what my mood would be on any given day; that's no way to live in a marriage; from here on, she is welcomed daily with a big smile and a "how was your day?"...can't go wrong there

 

small baby steps and avoid confrontation; I am learning how to agree to disagree without the need to yell or curse; I can make my point and still allow hers to be the final one

 

way I see it, unless there is another man in her life, she would be a fool to give up on all this; I can only get better going forward, there is not a shred of doubt in my mind

[ShatteredReality]

Just don't lose yourself in all of this Confused. One of the things I appreciate most about my husband is that he's still him. Just no drugs and more effort on anger management. We hit our speed bumps and such...but now we deal with normal marital problems - no so much with the abuse. If he seems to backslide back into the abusive behavior, that will end us. But otherwise, we are now tackling things as a couple - as we should...trying to live and love one another and our individuality as well as the duel personality that forms from being together for so long.

 

You're making great progress! Keep it up - treat her with respect, dignity, honor....but don't forget that you will need all of those things as well. The seesaw cannot tip in the other direction - you can't go from the abuser to the abusee and think the relationship will last. You can find ways to stand up for yourself, keep your masculinity, without being disrespectful, abusive, or even confrontational.

 

So glad you're having a good day today

[c0nfuzd]

I don't think she could ever abuse me...she just expects certain things that any married woman with children needs from her husband; to be treated well and do his share of responsibilities without fussing about it; contribute to the cause and be part of the family dream

 

today we had a slight disagreement on how to deal with the people that spray our grass for weeds control; I told her she could deal with it as she sees fit but I did express my feelings on it; I left it up to her in the end; I could tell she didn't agree with me but as long as she sees my point of view, I am ok in how she deals with the situation; these little things used to get so out of control, but now I just don't see the point of gettting bent out of shape about it; I put way too much importance on things when really, they are all just about meaningless; I find life much simpler nowadays and it's relieved a lot of my anxiety inside; this in turn creates a more pious frame of mind

 

I don't know why it took me this long to turn around my life; why was the D wakeup call, the catalyst for change? I knew the change was necessary many years ago but I just couldn't bring myself to do it; I treated the closest people to me in the harshest of ways; I don't deserve this family, certainly not my wife, and these children should have had a better father; what kind of role model partakes in drugs and verbal violence? I tell you, there are no words to express how bad I feel inside at the behavior I bestowed upon them; and my mother too, I held on to hating her for so long; she abused me but when I left home, I should have left my hatred for her behind; instead I carried it with me, as if it was something to be proud of; hey, look at me, I hate my mom, and I'm cool; it hurt me so much and for so long and it affected my wife and kids over the years

 

I don't think my wife should forgive me; because I can't; I always think about what I put her through and it weighs on me heavily; no matter my actions and words going forward, they can never take back what I did; perhaps I should leave after all; everything I've read says divorce is bad for the children but I wonder; maybe they would be better off without me; I just don't know what is the right thing to do

[sfranks1492]

Wow, I feel for you. However, I feel even more for her. Ten years of emotional abuse and trauma is a lot to deal with. She may need to move on simply to get better herself. Don't hold her back. Don't let your problems continue to be her problems. Once you've healed and are on the right path, then seek her out again. For now, it might be best to let her go to rebuild her life.

[c0nfuzd]

Wow, I feel for you. However, I feel even more for her. Ten years of emotional abuse and trauma is a lot to deal with. She may need to move on simply to get better herself. Don't hold her back. Don't let your problems continue to be her problems. Once you've healed and are on the right path, then seek her out again. For now, it might be best to let her go to rebuild her life.

 

I agree, the day she gives me the papers I will not be an obstacle; it's the least I can do for her and the kids; that is why I choose to give her 100% of the assets and as much space as she wants, including the divorce if she decides on it; I am being selfish in sticking around, because I love her

 

if my death brought her peace and happiness, I would give her that as well; I just want to shrivel away and erase all memories of me in her head; like I never happened; honestly, I am the biggest mistake in her life

[turnera]

Maybe, maybe not. But you have a choice in all this, and that's to dedicate your life to righting the wrong. Everyone deserves a second chance. Will you get it by staying married? Maybe. But if not, you can still be a viable, important presence in your family's life.

 

I watched the pilot episode of a new show called A Gifted Man, and he gets a wakeup call in the form of his recently deceased ex-wife, who shows him that his life has been on the wrong path. You should watch it.

[c0nfuzd]

great show...something she would like to watch; I will follow it as well

 

righting the wrong is definitely my mission; every day I make it my goal

 

this morning she flew out on a business trip, left me details on what to feed the kids while she is gone; we drove the kids to school and kissed them before she got into the car and drove away while I walked home (part of my morning routine for the surgery recovery); she did not even give me a hug; I watched her drive away and then stop for a while; my cell rings and she says she lost her headset for the phone somewhere near the school; I turn around and find it; she comes back, lowers her window, grabs it and says thanks; I had hoped to muster the courage to ask for a hug but I couldn't; I didn't want to ask anything of her; I feel no longer in a position to ask; she looked up one more time and said bye and then drove off; she is so beautiful

 

I walked back and started reminiscing again on what we had; there were good times for sure, but the bad ones seem to stick out even to me; part of me wants to get out, to leave her alone; but somehow I believe I can still be a helpful partner to her, despite the distance between us; the kids don't even seem to be affected by what is happening to us; it's like they are oblivious to it all; too young to understand perhaps

 

whatever she wants I will give her; I know that the right thing to do is to leave; I wonder if I should give her the papers instead; I don't think she has it in her to do it, because of her family's opposition to it; her cultural background places strong emphasis on marriage; and her family loves me but they don't know what I have done; they chalk it up to all marriages have their problems; would they feel the same if they had all the facts?

[turnera]

Normally when someone is verbally abusive, I tell the victim to leave asap. When the abuse stems from drug abuse and simply stops when the drugs stop, I see no reason to throw away a potentially good marriage. Have you messed up? Yes. But you are now 100% aware of it and working to make amends. Probably 95% of all the posters I've read in the last 10 years never get that in their marriage - the abusive partner rarely achieves clarity, the cheater never stops making excuses. But here you are, baring your soul and taking on any and all criticism and saying that you merely want the marriage back that you took for granted.

 

So I'm not going to tell you to leave. Not unless she pushes you out. You have a fair chance of getting your marriage back on track. That takes time. Women take a LONG time to trust again. Years. Do you have it in you to wait it out?

 

I suggest you keep reading, become an expert on all theories of marriage-saving out there, and take what resonates with you from them all. Create a plan to win her back. Stay consistent. Continue to learn and become a better person - for yourself and your kids. She may come along for the ride, she may not.

 

But above all, stop the groveling. Women HATE weak men. They despise them. They cheat on them. They kick them out. Women are biologically presdisposed to seek out the stronger men, goes back to cave man days. When you start groveling, and apologizing, and looking like a hangdog who doesn't deserve his bone, you start to look pathetic in her eyes.

 

Admit what you did, and share with her your plan for redemption. But let her know that you are moving forward because it's the right thing to do, not because you feel like she has to grant you some sort of dispensation for the last 15 years. She could have left at any time. There's no reason for you to grovel for her affection. If you want a hug, take one (as long as it doesn't lead to other things...too soon for that). THAT is attractive.

Edited September 27, 2011 by turnera
spelling

[ShatteredReality]

But above all, stop the groveling. Women HATE weak men. They despise them. They cheat on them. They kick them out. Women are biologically presdisposed to seek out the stronger men, goes back to cave man days. When you start groveling, and apologizing, and looking like a hangdog who doesn't deserve his bone, you start to look pathetic in her eyes.

 

It was all a good post, but I agree with this paragraph in spades! It's a better worded version of what I was trying to say before - BE YOU. Don't be some sniveling weakling. You made mistakes - lot's of them. Now be a man and pick yourself up and show her how strong you can be - that you allowed yourself to be weak and abuse drugs. That you took the cowards way out - instead of coping with your emotions you turned them outward and abused those you loved. Now you're more a man than you ever were - you're coping with your emotions head on and and you're proving to her that whatever good she saw in you is truly there and will come be at the fore from here on out.

 

You're doing great...concentrate on the positive right now more and less on the negative.

[c0nfuzd]

you gals are awesome...<internet hug> I appreciate your feedback because I know you don't have to do this; I wait every day to read a reply from you; if this works out in the end, I have you 2 to thank for keeping me afloat in the middle of my ocean of emotions; it hasn't been easy but you 2 take a little off the edge of my pain

 

thank you for giving me hope; I am definitely staying focused; trying to stay collected as much as I can but I find it tough at times

 

she just called and asked how the kids are doing; was in the middle of giving them their baths; fed them and now they're watching a movie while enjoying popcorn while I clean up around the house; when they are around I don't feel weak; it's when SHE's around; it's like I am scared of her....ok, I am scared of her lol; afraid to say the wrong thing

 

it's the feeling of losing it all that scares me...my marriage, my kids (seeing them every morning and night), and her...don't care about the assets (that's all material shtuff)....being essentially alone

 

I never knew how little drugs meant to me until all this happened; and I never thought that the drugs turned me into such a monster; still sober to this day (it's easy) and still haven't cursed/yelled since she broke the news

 

I do grovel a lot and she has noticed it too; dang, I keep thinking I can hide but my emotions, I wear them on my face it seems

[turnera]

It's time for some perspective. You weren't born joined at the hip. You haven't been with her every single day of your life. In fact, most of the most important moments of your life (walking, sitting, talking, learning in school, graduating, first job, first date, first 'time') likely had nothing to do with her.

 

You CAN survive without her. Obviously you don't want to, but you can. So step back off that ledge, my friend, and see her for what she is: someone who CAN make your life better, but is not essential for continued survival.

 

Now, start treating her with this in mind.

[c0nfuzd]

It's time for some perspective. You weren't born joined at the hip. You haven't been with her every single day of your life. In fact, most of the most important moments of your life (walking, sitting, talking, learning in school, graduating, first job, first date, first 'time') likely had nothing to do with her.

 

You CAN survive without her. Obviously you don't want to, but you can. So step back off that ledge, my friend, and see her for what she is: someone who CAN make your life better, but is not essential for continued survival.

 

Now, start treating her with this in mind.

 

I know this but it's just so hard to believe and live it. When and if the D happens, I will have no choice but to face this. But for now, I want to hang on. I don't want my kids to grow up in a D. I just can't allow it. She will have to make that decision. And when and if she does, she will have to make it based on everything that has transpired. In other words, she gave up on a marriage where she was abused, but she also gave up on a marriage where she saw change. She always says that I brought this upon us, but ultimately she will be the one putting the nail in the coffin. All because she was unable to look at the positive that came out in the end and most importantly because she was unable to forgive. I strongly believe that in a marriage there should always be room to forgive, especially when the changes are evident. She says she forgave me so many times, which may be true although I was not aware of it, but this the first time I am asking her directly....and she hasn't up to now. If time is what she needs, as hard as it is for me, I can wait years. I heard a good line recently:

 

What are our vows worth, if they don't cost us anything?

 

I may not have been religious then, but I still believe in every word I said at the altar. Whatever happened to "for better or for worse"? Now, if she was still being abused and I was still doing dope, I would understand her desire to get out. But in this case, what is her reasoning?

 

Maybe that is why the D hasn't happened yet. She wants to make sure that her decision is the right one. That I will go back to my old ways, if given enough time. But she is wrong. There is no turning back. I am more determined than I've ever been about anything in my life, to stay the course and treat her right. As far as my ability to re-integrate myself into the family, there is no denying my actions. It is she that is trying her best to alienate me, to keep me out of the family picture. It's almost as if she is trying to destroy the family, not fix it. For so many years she wanted to see these changes, and now that they are happening, it's too late??? why give up now?

[ShatteredReality]

I will say this - if she chooses to leave now it will be more out of fear than anything else. I was so afraid that staying with my H would be giving more of myself than I could afford to lose...but I eventually did it anyway. I took a risk...not all women will take that risk. Tbh - I have been told by some women that I am stupid for taking such a risk. Many people who abuse drugs or people revert back to these things - we hear about it all the time. It just means you're going to have to be all the more patient with her fears.

 

Stay the course!!! Live in the basement...create a friendship...learn who YOU ARE (without drugs). Become the man you WANT to be and the one you NEED to be. Do this first for your children - be the man who they will need and love and want to be with if your marriage doesn't work out. Then - become the man she needs. But only in as much as you're able to become - don't become someone you're not.

 

This is a long and somewhat painful journey you're on Confused...but you know what? We all have the long painful journeys in our lives. I like to try to stay positive about things...there will be something positive that comes of this - even if you can't save your marriage. There already is lot's of positive coming from this! You're sober and clean! You're finally getting to enjoy your children!

 

I'm glad we can be there to help you out - just glad my random ramblings help at least a little

[c0nfuzd]

I will say this - if she chooses to leave now it will be more out of fear than anything else. I was so afraid that staying with my H would be giving more of myself than I could afford to lose...but I eventually did it anyway. I took a risk...not all women will take that risk. Tbh - I have been told by some women that I am stupid for taking such a risk. Many people who abuse drugs or people revert back to these things - we hear about it all the time. It just means you're going to have to be all the more patient with her fears.

 

Stay the course!!! Live in the basement...create a friendship...learn who YOU ARE (without drugs). Become the man you WANT to be and the one you NEED to be. Do this first for your children - be the man who they will need and love and want to be with if your marriage doesn't work out. Then - become the man she needs. But only in as much as you're able to become - don't become someone you're not.

 

This is a long and somewhat painful journey you're on Confused...but you know what? We all have the long painful journeys in our lives. I like to try to stay positive about things...there will be something positive that comes of this - even if you can't save your marriage. There already is lot's of positive coming from this! You're sober and clean! You're finally getting to enjoy your children!

 

I'm glad we can be there to help you out - just glad my random ramblings help at least a little

 

sometimes I lose focus....I get down on myself and the negative thoughts take over; I feel like the monster that I was, unable to comprehend my past actions and stuck in that vacuum of time; it is then that I re-read yours and turnera's posts....and they lift me back up

 

it's a long journey alright....but what better one to be on than one where you re-discover yourself...I am happy to be on it; it's never too late for me to do this

[c0nfuzd]

so how do I stop the groveling? how do I get over the fear of losing it all? or being alone? is there a pill that I can pop? lol....I understand this but part of me does not; don't know why I cannot consistently stay positive in my mind; such an imbalance

 

I wonder if the drugs are part of the reason; it's not even been 5 months since I cleaned up so my guess is there is residue still in my system that is affecting my emotional stability and coherence; I can still recall the roller coaster of emotions I was on during all these years; I would have maybe a few good days and then something would trigger my depressive state; it's like I am bipolar; one high followed by one low constantly; never been tested for it because I believe I am in control of myself and don't want prescription pills for it; it's been like a tug-of-war...back and forth, back and forth...all these years; maybe I am not in control but I don't want to submit to a lithany of pills to address this

 

nowadays, although I am sober, I have incredibly positive days where our future makes perfect sense and I feel the family's radiance; the goal and purpose of my actions is in perfect symbiosis; then, there are the unbelievably negative days where I could sink into the ground with my thoughts alone; I get dragged down by my past and I feel like I am chained and doomed, unable to break free; the guilt just tears me apart and keep thinking that I will live with this for the rest of my life; I rationalize that I cannot change the past, and only affect the present, yet I persist in those thoughts continually; I can still see myself lashing out at the kids and my wife; every detail of those moments is magnified tenfold, like under the microscope with a 100% zoom lens; it brings tears to my eyes; how could I do such things to those that I love?

[turnera]

she gave up on a marriage where she was abused, but she also gave up on a marriage where she saw change.

That's why I've been trying to get you to understand how a woman thinks, operates. Look up walkaway wives. It's a well-established phenomenom, been going on forever, has something to do with how a woman 'puts up' with things and, psychologically, slowly starts falling out of love, one abuse moment, one neglect at a time. Until, there simply is no love left, and she leaves. The fact that she's not gone yet tells me she's not quite there yet.

 

Did I explain the love bucket yet?

[turnera]

so how do I stop the groveling? how do I get over the fear of losing it all? or being alone? is there a pill that I can pop? lol

Have you tried yoga and meditation yet? That's your best bet for achieving balance. You've got time on your hands. Find some classes or tv shows and start practicing.

 

The groveling you stop by writing down what you will and won't accept in life (not talking about her, but more deepdown things, like you won't lie to please someone; stuff like that). Whenever you feel like you're being asked to compromise on a core belief, stop yourself and say no. On the more surface things, think back to when you were dating. After all, that's what you're doing - trying to date her all over again. If you want to compliment her, compliment her; don't shove it through your 'will I tick her off' filter first; start being honest.

[c0nfuzd]

Have you tried yoga and meditation yet? That's your best bet for achieving balance. You've got time on your hands. Find some classes or tv shows and start practicing.

 

The groveling you stop by writing down what you will and won't accept in life (not talking about her, but more deepdown things, like you won't lie to please someone; stuff like that). Whenever you feel like you're being asked to compromise on a core belief, stop yourself and say no. On the more surface things, think back to when you were dating. After all, that's what you're doing - trying to date her all over again. If you want to compliment her, compliment her; don't shove it through your 'will I tick her off' filter first; start being honest.

 

never heard the term walkaway wife but it fits her to a tee...and from what I am reading on it, this can be reversed...if she is willing to accept help for it; well, I am doing my part which is the only thing I can control

 

and you're right, she's not gone yet so clearly there is hope

 

can't seem to find much info on love bucket; something about a woman's 7 desires? would appreciate a synopsis on it

 

ok, now I go write down the list of what I accept and won't accept in life; this will require some deep introspection

[turnera]

Sorry, love bucket is what my DH calls it, from the analogy. It's 'love bank' from Willard Harley, and the His Needs Her Needs line of thinking. I think I've described it to you before. It works like this:

 

You have a bucket when you first meet. She has a bucket. You date and you start filling love points into her bucket. If you 'get' her precisely and know exactly how to meet her top Emotional Needs (ENs), you fill her bucket with love. She feels love for you. (doing the EN questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com tells you what her top ENs are)

 

On the other hand, no one's perfect. There are going to be things you do that annoy her: your Love Busters. Like doing drugs. Each time you do an LB, you poke a hole in that bucket. A little of the love she's stored in there for you leaks out the hole. If you make a bunch of LBs, you get a bunch of holes. Pretty soon it looks like swiss cheese.

 

In most cases when the walkaway wife waits and waits and waits for the husband to wake up and stop LBing her and start meeting her ENs, that bucket has been poked so full of holes that no matter WHAT you do to meet an EN, she won't care. There is no love left. Everything you do just slips right out all those holes. She has moved from love to hate to apathy; once she reaches apathy, it's almost always too late. You will NEVER be someone she could be attracted to again because she's seen it all - all your warts, your LBs, your lack of caring, your selfishness...and she has NO faith that you could ever change.

 

However, if she's not at that point, the very first thing you would do is STOP the LBs. You're doing that, but you have to be more specific. If she would fill out the LB questionnaire, you would hit a goldmine of information on what NOT to do - what to STOP doing. It could be huge, it could be tiny. Like the Qtips my husband leaves around after he uses them, expecting me to clean them up - HUGE LB for me. Such a tiny thing.

 

So, you stop the LBs so that if you fill any ENs in the bucket, the holes start disappearing so the love stays. The next step is to get more info on who she is, what she wants out of life, what her dreams are, what her top ENs are. The EN questionnaire is big for that; different for each person and any EN (or LB) is valid. Learn them and start being the ONE person in her life who meets those ENs for her. That's why it's so important to stay in the house - you can't meet these ENs if you're not living there (at least not easily).

 

If you continue on this path, the holes in the bucket disappear, the love starts filling up again, the trust returns, and she MAY reach a point where you start looking attractive to her again.

[turnera]

Speaking of attractive, are you making sure you look good, smell good, dress great every day?

[c0nfuzd]

ok, I get the love bucket; but I still feel it too premature to get her to fill out any LB questionnaire; I have looked it over; I need a hint from her that she is willing to give me a chance; so far I haven't got any; I don't want to bug her with this because she will say once again that there is no chance for us and that it's futile; this will only frustrate her; it would be akin to bringing up our relationship; she has asked for space and this is what I want to give her at this time

 

the reason I am still at home is because of the surgery; she wants to wait for me to recover before proceeding...at least that's what she said a few months ago; remains to be seen if she has it in her to throw me out then, as soon as I am fully functional again and especially after all the changes she is seeing

 

and yes, my personal hygiene has improved; I used to shave once a week, if that; now, it's every second day for the last few months; I brushed my teeth sparingly because it affected my dope high; now I brush once before bed (even though we don't share it anymore) and once in the morning; she is aware of my hygiene since we share the bathroom

 

as she said a while back, she sees all these changes but they do nothing for her; I am hoping time will make her see otherwise

[c0nfuzd]

she used to always txt me be4 getting on the plane and when she landed; now she doesn't even bother anymore; she used to call from her destination just to make small talk or say goodnight; that don't happen either no more

 

it's just so hard to see any positive signs coming from her

 

anyways, just fed the kids and now we are about to play; gotta keep busy and what better way

[c0nfuzd]

she came home last night and didn't even make eye contact when I said hi to her; it's like I am invisible; but when the kids came downstairs to greet her, she just couldn't take her eyes off them; it hurts so much when she does this; she was full of kisses and hugs for them but nothing for me; so I didn't even try to give her a hug, as much as I wanted to; just leave her alone; I figure when she's ready for it, she will make a more concerted effort of showing some kind of hint that she is more receptive to me

 

we played briefly with the kids just before putting them to bed and then she got upset that the little one kept asking for her instead of going to sleep; I tried to soothe the child but when they barely see their mother all week long, can you blame the child for wanting an extra few minutes with her? they miss her and she can't understand it; she is tired, exhausted from the traveling, from the chaos at work, and she wants to wrap up her day; but the kids don't see it that way; so I told her to just give them another 5 minutes together and forego the official bedtime; bend the rules a little, it's ok; I also spent another few minutes with them to ease the transition to sleep; it worked and all ended well; I am still amazed how calm I am nowadays in any given situation; I wonder if she notices her level of frustration around the kids, compared to mine; I find it so easy to take care of them; sometimes I think that if I were to keep the kids, it would be easier for me to walk away from the marriage; how would she feel being alone and divorced?

 

before going to bed, she started talking about work again and I listened, offering little but more presence support; the politics and red tape only add to her workload; such is the nature when you are no longer just the average worker in the company; she says she doesn't know why she puts in so much effort in the face of all this turmoil; and I tell her that it's in her nature to be a hard worker and that is how she got to where she is; she lay there on the bed, laptop open and running late at night, and looking tired and I still find her so gorgeous; she had one leg on top of the bed cover and I so wanted to give her a foot rub but I didn't dare; I know I am chicken but it is too early; she is too wrapped up in her problems with work for me to shift her attention to us; I still feel honored that she is able to initiate conversation and just vent her frustrations