how can I win her back?

[stillafool]

been married for 10 years and have 2 kids; W wants a divorce because of the emotional abuse I have put her through over the years coupled with my negativity and drug use

 

I got the D wake-up call a little over 4 months ago and immediately saw the light and started making the necessary changes to improve our relationship...all the while the W telling me it's too late

 

I stopped the drugs and immediately started seeing where I went wrong; so much so that I cry daily when I think at what I put her through over the last 10 years; I am now more involved with the kids and the house, present a more positive attitude in all that I do and have stopped swearing around W and kids

 

in other words I did a 180 on my life....because I don't want to lose my family and my marriage; I can't see myself alone and starting over at this age; I want to do everything possible to make this work for us and the kids

 

what more can I do? we don't have arguments anymore and the atmosphere in the house is 100 times better

 

is there hope even though she clearly shows me that there is none? I started even praying but feel somewhat hypocritical in doing so since I was never a religious person; I just hit rock-bottom and I didn't know where or to whom else to turn to

 

I would like to think that I messed up and deserve a last chance; how can I make her understand this before she serves me with papers?

 

 

Just keep being the good husband that you are trying to be now. Pray, pray and pray some more. God doesn't care that you haven't prayed in the past. It will help you and miracles can happen.

 

I'm sure your wife is expecting you to revert back to your old self at any moment thus confirming her decision to divorce. Stay strong my friend and keep pushing to be the man you want to be. Even if your wife leaves you in the end; you will be a much better man and good things will come to you.

[c0nfuzd]

I hope you will forgive me entering this discussion at this late stage. I have made the effort to read through the thread and I would like to share my thoughts with you because I am going through the same thing (from your wifes' perspective). He is sleeping in our spare room right now.

 

 

 

What you have said here is very similar (and a lot more polite) than what I hear regularly from my significant other. He gets so frustrated and angry with me that I can't engage in this wonderful new life he believes we can have now that he is sorting his problems out. He says that he is making so many efforts so why can't I at least try to let the past go and work on the future with him. I know it makes him fell like I don't love him and don't want to fix it and like it's not worth trying, anymore. In fact, he went to bed without even speaking to me for exactly that reason. If you are starting to feel this way then I hope the following perspective helps.

 

If I am honest with myself, I do want things to work between us. I couldn't have hung around for so long and put up with so much if I wasn't hoping desperately that things could be better. I want things to work but I can't show it. I can't reach out to him and I can barely even show appreciation for the things he does to try to fix us. I notice them and they mean the world to me but showing that feels like putting myself in the firing line again. After everything that I have been through, it is paralyzingly scary to even think about letting myself be open to him, again. I feel so, so stupid for staying around to be hurt, again and again, and something inside me refuses to set myself up to have it all happen again. After-all, I KNOW what to expect out of this relationship so how stupid would I have to be to go back for more? That said, I do deep down love him. I love him so much that I can't willingly walk away and make the final, permanent steps to separate from him forever. So, I'm in no man's land. I can't move forward with him or without him. Actually, it's probably only because i do love him so much that I'm even prepared to put my emotional life on hold like this rather than just let the whole messed up situation go and leave him. I know he thinks I am cold to his efforts and I'm terrified he will stop trying because he isn't getting the encouragement he needs from me. The sad thing is that when he starts to say it's impossible and he might as well give up, I freeze up even more because it's even more dangerous for me to invest in him if he is still so flakey and I'm still so low a priority that he would just give up. It feels like the 'old' irresponsible him coming back when he says that because it feels like he is dodging out on his responsibility to fix what he broke and I feel even less safe trusting him. I don't know what to do because every course of action seems to lead to more pain so I'm paralyzed doing nothing, which only seems to make things worse anyway.

 

Please don't think that I'm accusing you of not trying or saying you haven't changed or that you are not totally committed to your responsibility of changing your life. I can tell from your posts that fixing your marriage means everything to you and I applaud you for that. But, from the perspective of the person who was hurt, putting my heart on the line for someone who has already broken it is a really difficult, scary thing to do - especially if I'm not yet convinced that they are totally, permanently changed. I know I will need a lot of reassurance and consistency before I'm even able to want to meet my man in the middle. I agree with the others who have suggested that you just continue to be there patiently and consistently. Only being consistent, over time, will convince her that you have changed permanently. I know it's a big ask but take hope in the fact that she is living this hell, too, rather than just cutting it all off completely - which would be easier.

 

Sorry for such a long post. Good luck and take care.

 

Ps: I think volunteering is a great idea. It keeps you busy AND it shows your wife interest and responsibility to others - which can only help

 

thank you flutter, your perspective helps me more than you know and I have a feeling that is how she looks at it too; it would explain why she still hasn't made the jump to break the whole relationship 7 months on

 

one thing I have made clear to her is that I will never give up on us...she will have to break us; I reason that she put up with my abuse for 8 years so how can I give up after 7 months...I am in this as long as she allows me to be; I am no longer in control of our marriage and have relinquished the reins to her; I just don't want her to suffer anymore so if it makes her happy to kill our marriage I will grant her that as well; I am tired of being mad at her, fighting with her; she knows exactly what I want going forward which is to be a good husband and father....be the man that she thought she was getting when we married; every day I struggle to show her this "new" me...and I know she sees it; it's ok that there's no feedback; I am accepting responsibility for the breakdown; the marriage broke down over years, it cannot be fixed in a matter of months

 

so it would not surprise me if I sleep in the basement for another 2-3 years; I am ready for it; whatever it takes to show her that I belong in this family of ours; I know there is more heartache lying ahead...it's tough on me but certainly not as tough as what she went through; so I remind myself of this everytime I want to give up

 

I heard a good line the other day: "Every time you want to give up, remember why you held on for so long." I like that

 

@stillafool, my nightly prayers certainly go a long way into keeping me afloat; I couldn't maintain my sanity and emotional stability without them

[flutterbykiss]

I just don't want her to suffer anymore so if it makes her happy to kill our marriage I will grant her that as well; I am tired of being mad at her, fighting with her; she knows exactly what I want going forward which is to be a good husband and father....be the man that she thought she was getting when we married; every day I struggle to show her this "new" me...and I know she sees it; it's ok that there's no feedback; I am accepting responsibility for the breakdown; the marriage broke down over years, it cannot be fixed in a matter of months

 

so it would not surprise me if I sleep in the basement for another 2-3 years; I am ready for it; whatever it takes to show her that I belong in this family of ours; I know there is more heartache lying ahead...it's tough on me but certainly not as tough as what she went through; so I remind myself of this everytime I want to give up

 

It is hard, after seeing someone behave in one way for so long, to expect them to be any different. For me, I think the turning point will be when he has acted responsibly and fairly for long enough that it's no longer a surprise and I'm not bracing myself for the worst anymore. Badly treated spouses do a lot of preparation internally (almost subconsciously) to try to deflect the worst of the hurt and abuse. It becomes a way of life to expect trouble and to always be afraid or 'on edge'. I think I will need to feel safe and looked after (consistently), for long enough for that habit to wear off, before I can truly trust my spouse again. It's actually a bit like post-traumatic stress. (I read too much!) Your wife probably does see the difference in you but, with her subconscious reminding her to expect bad things, her quality of life might not have improved, yet.

 

I think you are right to find hope in the fact that she hasn't ended it yet and is at least allowing you near enough to her to try. That might be all she can give at the moment but at least she is still holding on, too.

 

I heard a good line the other day: "Every time you want to give up, remember why you held on for so long." I like that

 

I love it! Thank you for sharing.

 

Also, please look after yourself because if you really want this (and I can see that you do) you have too stay as strong as you can, emotionally and physically. You can't be there for your family if you are over-drained yourself. Find a way to refresh your spirit. It will also help your W have faith that you can sustain your changes, if she can see you developing healthy, sustainable coping mechanisms. If you are desperate and miserable she may well be braced for what you might do, to find relief, when you can't take feeling bad anymore.

 

And I agree, no prayer is wasted.

[ShatteredReality]

I hope she's beginning to see the changes you've made. I'm sorry you're still having to "hang in there" but at the same time...glad you're doing it. Still here and rooting for ya!!

[c0nfuzd]

another lonely Saturday night

 

she asked me to help her with so many things today, I even brought her a latte (forgot to put a little heart on the inside of the lid SR, dang it; next time for sure)...I thought everything was going great

 

I even helped her load the trunk with food and gifts for the family party tonight...just to see her drive away with the kids and me staying behind <long sigh>

 

it's hard, really hard to stay focused; my negativity creeps up and I feel like giving up; I haven't changed that much, maybe she is right and I am a fake; but I know that tomorrow when I wake up, I will clean up the whole house, look after the kids, and do the laundry

 

it's all in keeping the right perspective...which is to be positive and appreciate all that I have, no matter how little it is; I am still in the house, the kids are healthy, we both still have our jobs and health

 

take it one day at a time and it becomes more bearable; if I let my mind wander and think about what may happen a week, a month, a year from now, then I lose myself

[flutterbykiss]

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. Could you not go to the family party? I think your best bet is to consistently be a positive part of your life as a family because that's the only way she will start to see you that way.

 

Don't beat yourself up about not putting the heart in the top of the latte. From my perspective, it's the latte that makes a far greater impression then the heart. The heart would have been a bonus but the consideration you showed, by bringing her the latte, is not lost because the heart wasn't there. Romantic gestures show her how much you want her back but they won't necessarily make her feel that it's safe for her to let you back in her life. Trusting you again is a decision that she will make with both her head and her heart and that's why consistent responsibility, decency and just plain being a good partner, day in and day out, is just as important as the romance.

 

Keep holding on and please look after yourself.

[geegirl]

I just read your story C. I commend you for making changes in your life and wanting to do all you can to save your marriage. I wish my ex made the effort but only after 6 years of separation, can he now see the light. In which case, is far too late.

 

I think another poster mentioned and I relate, to women suffering in silence. We can take it for years but as we battle through those emotions, we slowly lose those loving feelings. And when we're done, we're done. As least for me. The last 4 years of my marriage were miserable and no matter what I did to improve it, he would never budge. Until one day, almost mechanically, I woke up one morning and it was all over for me. She maybe going through the same thing in that there comes a time when you're completely drained. Running on empty, therefore cannot reciprocate loving or tender gestures towards you.

 

Sometimes her anger within may translate into little forms of punishment. Her need to ignore your kind gestures or leave you behind, etc. I don't believe it is an indication of how she feels about you but more so a need to channel that anger she has within her. Granted, she may also be looking at your gestures as merely compensating for wrong doing rather than a genuine need to be a better man to her, but at some point she will make that determination as to whether you're real or fake to her.

 

I don't believe there is any way to sway her but to keep doing what you're doing. Do the best you can to show her change and improvement in every aspect of the marriage. What she needs more than ever is to regain her trust in you in that who you are now will remain. Show her consistency because you have to rebuild that trust in her. It doesn't happen overnight. Whatever she decides to do, you will have to accept but until then, I commend you for making the changes you need and finding that self-awareness. If anything, you're rebuilding and reinventing who you are as a person. Positive changes.

 

Please take care of yourself.

[c0nfuzd]

geegirl, if he had made his changes overnight you most likely would have labeled him a fake as well; to me, saying it's too late is a copout; when you marry in a church, those vows are supposed to be meant; unless there is physical abuse, I believe all other troubles in a marriage can be repaired with the proper approach

 

it's easier to give up than to try to make something work; all these years you tried to improve your marriage on your own; but did you ever try to make it work together? in my case, I was blind and deaf to my wife's pleas for help in our marriage; but now that I am all ears, and ready to make it work together she is checking out; to quote Mort Fertel:

 

So the roles become reversed. The person who was

ruining the relationship stands ready to

transform it; while the person who wanted to work

on the relationship all along becomes the cog in

the wheel that inhibits true love.

 

I was thinking the other day that honestly I put my wife thru the worst; I treated her badly for many years (no physical abuse but emotionally I could have played a better part); nevertheless I look at the way I treat her now and she would be the first to say that it's a lot better

 

ironically, when we said "for better or for worse", she stuck around for the worse, but is now planning to leave when it got better; isn't this messed up? she waited and waited all these years to see a change, and then when it happened, she wants to leave; makes me wonder if she ever really loved me

[geegirl]

Yes, if he had made his changes overnight, I would have probably been less inclined to see it's worth. But sadly, he never made changes. He even told me that I could either accept it or leave.

 

Saying that it is too late is not a copout. It feels like a copout because it does not coincide with your sudden need to change things to benefit you. Feelings change. Loving feelings can morphe into negativity when through a span of time you feel unappreciated, unloved and disrecpected by your partner. Those actions do not nourish a partner's soul but diminishes it. It doesn't encourage growth but kills it. You can't kill a plant and one day decide you want it to grow. It has to be cared for from the get go.

 

When you took those vows to honor and cherish her, that was what she expected from you. Those vows were broken. It's unfortunate that you now see the light and she can't but you have to understand that the emotional structure of a person is not so cut and dry, regulated by the promise of a vow. Words are easy. Your actions are what matters the most.

 

In the case of my marriage, I tried to make him fight for the marriage. I tried to push him to go back to school. I worked two jobs to support him while he became addicted to video games. I had two jobs, cleaned, cooked, took care of the home financially, you name it I did it. In the last 4 years of our marriage he never even cooked me a meal. But all through those 4 years, I would wake up every morning and tell myself I could never leave for the sake of my vows. If he had shown me even the slightest want to change and make things work, I would have stayed. But as much as I bled words from my mouth for those 4 years to try and make it work, he didn't budge. The day I decided to leave he told me to "do what makes you comfortable." If the other person has no fight in them, there is nothing you can do to make a marriage work no matter what approach you take. You can't clap with one hand.

 

I do believe she loved you. I think that she is dealing with a lot of hurt and mistrust. Sometimes emotional damage is irreversible. When you've been scarred and defeated over a period of time, it's not easy to fall on the value of words from a vow when all you can remember are the emotionally damaging acts that were inflicted on you throughout the marriage. Words/vows mean nothing when they were never founded with corresponding actions.

Edited December 7, 2011 by geegirl

[turnera]

saying it's too late is a copout; when you marry in a church, those vows are supposed to be meant; unless there is physical abuse, I believe all other troubles in a marriage can be repaired with the proper approach

That's fine that YOU say that and believe that. Why do you get to determine what SHE says and believes? She put up with you for years, you label yourself an abuser, and yet you are telling us SHE is pulling a copout by telling you she no longer loves you? Who are you to tell her what she should feel?

 

Too late IS too late. You can't start loving someone again just because that person says you should or that person changes what he does. If you suffer for years and the Love Busters erode your love for that person, it just happens.

 

Is it possible she could start loving you again? Of course. But you don't get to determine that.

[c0nfuzd]

That's fine that YOU say that and believe that. Why do you get to determine what SHE says and believes? She put up with you for years, you label yourself an abuser, and yet you are telling us SHE is pulling a copout by telling you she no longer loves you? Who are you to tell her what she should feel?

 

Too late IS too late. You can't start loving someone again just because that person says you should or that person changes what he does. If you suffer for years and the Love Busters erode your love for that person, it just happens.

 

Is it possible she could start loving you again? Of course. But you don't get to determine that.

 

when I say copout I am talking about "it's too late"...it's never too late to fix a marriage if both partners work at it and the mistakes are recognized and changed; I do believe that she no longer loves me; but she could love me again if she worked at it; yes she worked at it all these years, but she did it alone...and honestly, without me even knowing it; NOW that I am out of the fog, there is no reason for it being too late; perhaps the vows should be modified and remove the "for better or for worse" part because obviously there is no such thing

[geegirl]

when I say copout I am talking about "it's too late"...it's never too late to fix a marriage if both partners work at it and the mistakes are recognized and changed; I do believe that she no longer loves me; but she could love me again if she worked at it; yes she worked at it all these years, but she did it alone...and honestly, without me even knowing it; NOW that I am out of the fog, there is no reason for it being too late; perhaps the vows should be modified and remove the "for better or for worse" part because obviously there is no such thing

 

Yes, it's never too late to fix a marriage if both partners want to work at it but it also depends on the circumstances of the marriage and the emotional health of both partners. Mistakes can be recognized but if they are recognized when too much damage has been done, most times it's irreversible.

 

Just because you are out of the fog, you can't just expect someone to forget the hurt and damage and go along with your new found enlightenment. Do you understand how much of resentment she probably harbors in her heart for her to even be able to find it within herself to see you in a different light, let alone a positive one. You cannot "abuse" someone and then expect them to one day feel love again. Love is fostered. Abuse does not breed love. It kills it. You can't kill it and then expect to resurrect it again. There may be too much negativity within her to even find it again. Feelings are feelings. They have nothing to do with vows. Vows are just words that even you could not adhere to.

 

When she worked at it through all those years, everytime you hurt her, you put a little dent in her soul. Dent after dent after dent. You chipped away at her. She probably has nothing left to give. But you don't know that yet. You just have to keep doing what you're doing. She will not come around overnight, if she decides to. And if she doesn't, you have to understand that emotions are emotions. She is entitled to feel how she feels, and more so, because she tried to make it work. If you were too blind to see it when she was trying, you cannot fault her for feeling differently now after all that she has been through versus how she should be feeling based on a vow.

Edited December 7, 2011 by geegirl

[c0nfuzd]

forget? no, but forgive, yes...I do agree with the rest of your post; this is why I am ready to walk out any time she says so...I know what I've done is wrong and that possibly there is nothing I can do to fix it; but I'll be damned if I don't keep at it

[geegirl]

forget? no, but forgive, yes...I do agree with the rest of your post; this is why I am ready to walk out any time she says so...I know what I've done is wrong and that possibly there is nothing I can do to fix it; but I'll be damned if I don't keep at it

 

Forgiveness does not mean that she has to take you back. Forgiveness does not mean that she will rekindle those loving feelings for you. It just means she is forgiving you for your acts and it is her way of emotionally letting go of what was a painful experience in her life.

[c0nfuzd]

forgiveness in a marriage is to let go of the past and move forward; sort of like when a partner has an affair, the other partner can choose to forgive and continue the marriage; it does not have to end in divorce

 

this is the forgiveness I am looking for; I know it can't come overnight and so I choose to wait for as long as I can; all the while showing her that I am sorry for what I have done and that I can be a better husband

[geegirl]

forgiveness in a marriage is to let go of the past and move forward; sort of like when a partner has an affair, the other partner can choose to forgive and continue the marriage; it does not have to end in divorce

 

this is the forgiveness I am looking for; I know it can't come overnight and so I choose to wait for as long as I can; all the while showing her that I am sorry for what I have done and that I can be a better husband

 

You can't dictate what forgiveness should mean to her. She is entitled to her own feelings and what forgiveness means to her. A partner can choose to forgive and remove themselves from a marriage or stay, and it doesn't matter whether it was based on abuse or infidelity. Either way, it is a choice. Not a given.

 

Keep showing her and proving to her that you are genuine in your efforts. That is all you can do. Whatever the outcome, you will at least know that you tried the best you could.

[c0nfuzd]

ya you're right...besides, she says she forgave me so many times already...I just didn't see it; I just think that we can work this out and the longer it drags on, the more alienated we become; we need to work on it, I just can't clap with one hand lol; but, I know I can't force her; I feel so powerless

[geegirl]

ya you're right...besides, she says she forgave me so many times already...I just didn't see it; I just think that we can work this out and the longer it drags on, the more alienated we become; we need to work on it, I just can't clap with one hand lol; but, I know I can't force her; I feel so powerless

 

I'm sorry. It has to be frustrating to want change so desperately. There's no alternative but to keep working at it. Hopefully she finds it within. Fingers crossed for you.

[c0nfuzd]

nothing new to add really except....finally kicked my last addiction to the curb...CIGARETTES.....gawd I hated smoking and Chantix seems to be the fix; now I love to kiss my kids anytime and they no longer tell me that I smell bad...this was the final crutch in my life; I am convinced I can stay away from cigs this time because I am just fed up with them; the only reason I was smoking them for past few years was the addiction side of it

 

I did go over the weekend to her mom's place to celebrate early Christmas with just the immediate family; but wifey made it clear that she was not sure it was the right thing to do to invite me as she was afraid that it would give me the wrong idea (ie. that things are getting better between us)...she did it for the kids; she reiterated that she's in limbo at this point and that it's making her life very difficult; which sounds like a good thing from my point of view; clearly there is doubt in her mind as to what is the right thing to do

 

either way, as time drags on I find myself feeling more stable psychologically and less afraid of what she can do to me; I have done and continue to do everything within my powers to show that I am a changed man and that I can stay this way from here on; if she can't see this, then it's her loss; the kids will also feel the impact of her decision ultimately

 

next stop is Christmas Eve party with her entire family; let's see if I stay home alone

[turnera]

Why not just assume you're going, talk to her parents as though you're going, and go up to her and say you're glad you're going and, don't worry, you have NO expectations from her about the relationship, that you just want to be part of your family's Christmas celebrations.

[c0nfuzd]

nah, you know what? let's see what she decides; I shouldn't have to tell her that she should do this for the kids' sake; her motherly instincts and brawns should suffice to allow her to make the right decision

 

if I don't end up going, I will tell her that I wanted to go just to be there for the kids and that Christmas is not just about me and my wife; we are not the only ones in this family anymore

 

I am slowly feeling myself pulling away from her, sadly; I can envision a life without her; I won't be able to be there for the kids as much which will hurt, but that is a consequence of her wish to break up the family; she can blame it on me of course and that's fine too

 

I still love my wife very much but I don't want to always be blamed for her misery; if she can't live with me the way I am now, then she never could to begin with; if being a better man is not good enough for her, then what is? maybe distance and space could benefit her more than I think

 

I know what I want, she doesn't...she can't keep me in limbo forever all the while holding the cards and crying that she's in limbo; the way I look at it is that this is my punishment for all that I have done

[c0nfuzd]

had the best Xmas ever; went to 3 family events in total and enjoyed myself immensely; hard to believe it took 15 years for me to start appreciating holidays with our family; this is what drugs can do to a human; make everything dull except for getting high; I will also be attending New Year's Eve party so all in all, I can't complain; things could have been A LOT worse

 

having said this, we also are inching closer to an agreement on where we are heading with our marriage; it is not a done deal yet but the picture is coming into focus more and more

 

we had a talk and she mentioned that although there is no chance for us, there are 2 options available; the first is obviously to leave, but the second one would be for me to remain at home (still sleep in the basement) and co-parent the kids; she would incorporate me more into family events as long as I am clear on the fact that we are no longer romantically involved)

 

I drew the line when she asked what would happen if she moved on (i.e. started seeing someone else) and told her I would move out asap; forewarned her that she needs a divorce before doing so as it could be deemed adultery; I don't see her trying to bring another man into our kids' lives; if one thing is clear to me now is that she does care about our kids' welfare; the kids have a great time with me and introducing another man while removing me from their lives, would do more harm than good

 

she said she will think about which option she wants to go with; although some would see this as her still using me, I don't; I see it as still being around for my kids and also think that this buys me time to show her that in the long run, I am the best interest not only for our kids but also for her

[geegirl]

had the best Xmas ever; went to 3 family events in total and enjoyed myself immensely; hard to believe it took 15 years for me to start appreciating holidays with our family; this is what drugs can do to a human; make everything dull except for getting high; I will also be attending New Year's Eve party so all in all, I can't complain; things could have been A LOT worse

 

having said this, we also are inching closer to an agreement on where we are heading with our marriage; it is not a done deal yet but the picture is coming into focus more and more

 

we had a talk and she mentioned that although there is no chance for us, there are 2 options available; the first is obviously to leave, but the second one would be for me to remain at home (still sleep in the basement) and co-parent the kids; she would incorporate me more into family events as long as I am clear on the fact that we are no longer romantically involved)

 

I drew the line when she asked what would happen if she moved on (i.e. started seeing someone else) and told her I would move out asap; forewarned her that she needs a divorce before doing so as it could be deemed adultery; I don't see her trying to bring another man into our kids' lives; if one thing is clear to me now is that she does care about our kids' welfare; the kids have a great time with me and introducing another man while removing me from their lives, would do more harm than good

 

she said she will think about which option she wants to go with; although some would see this as her still using me, I don't; I see it as still being around for my kids and also think that this buys me time to show her that in the long run, I am the best interest not only for our kids but also for her

 

You sound accepting C. I know it is not how you hope for it to be but at least you are not in the dark anymore. She's made her decisions and you're setting boundaries. In a sense it is all falling in its place.

 

While the effort and progress that you are putting forth and showing isn't changing the situation, it's however going to help you build a healthy and bright future, no matter what the outcome.

 

I'm proud of you for making change. Change is hard but you made that first step and it seems that you're now in full stride. Good things!

[LilMissMovinOn]

let me see if I can download this book off the Interne for free; you see, I have no personal money; all the money I make I put in our joint account; I have been doing so for the past 10 years; I have nothing saved; that is why I wanted 50% if she filed; but then she tried to make me feel guilty by saying I am trying to hurt the kids in taking half the assets, so I decided I would not take a penny; I have never cheated her in any way financially or romantically; I have never taken advantage of her financial status; my only mistakes were my drug/verbal abuse

 

worse-case scenario I will have to ask her to buy it for me; and I am not sure what her reaction will be

 

keep you posted

 

You have cheated yr wife & children financially via $ wasted on yr drug use.

 

Elsewhere you state that you are 'too smart' to revert to active drug use. Addiction does not discriminate. It is an illness (or dis-ease as in arising out of being ill at ease w yrself) which is progressive, incurable & fatal. It can however be arrested one day at a time & recovery is then possible.

 

I would strongly suggest you attend daily meetings of Narcotics Anonymous in your area. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I would be interested to hear your thoughts at the end of this exercise.

 

Your best thinking got you where you are today & you can't fix your own thinking with your own thinking. Do not underestimate the power of addiction. You sound very nieve. Go to NA. It's the only thing which works for long term recovery from substance abuse. You have everything to gain & nothing much left to lose.

[LilMissMovinOn]

my changes only happened 6 months ago and were quite drastic; I understand why she can't believe them; what I can't understand is why she won't give me time to show they are for real

 

Because, she is ALREADY INVESTED in an EA (if not, a PA) elsewhere & u doing such a dramatic 180 has completely changed the (to some extent guilt free based upon yr treatment of her & the M) relational landscape for her.

 

I know you've stated that your W would never do such a thing, but my gut feeling reading yr posts is telling me strongly that this is exactly what is going on here. Yr W is HUMAN. It would b perfectly understandable (although still unacceptable), if in the circumstances you have described, yr W turned to another man for comfort & support quite some ago. Surely, you don't think yr W is an angelic saint? No-one is & ppl are more likely to make mistakes wen they r under pressure & duress such as yr W has been for a very long time. In addition to explaining y yr W isn't over the moon abt yr last ditch effort to save the M, (notwithstanding tht of course it will take time for trust b.tween u to b re-established & 4 the M to heal) it also explains why yr W can't look you in the eye when she communicates w u.

 

As another poster noted yr W emotionally checked out of the M & resolved to D LONG BEFORE announcing her intentions to you. You brought this upon yrself by yr years of neglect of her & the family, substance abuse & verbal abuse. What u r not responsible for is how she is managing her exit. Go bk to yr comment where yr W offered 2 'break off' her 'friendship' w her boss for you 'if you wanted'. This huge RED FLAG indicates tht something is NOT RIGHT in the r.ship b.tween yr W & her boss. Yr W should never have had a personal 'friendship' w her boss outside of the workplace in the first place. That such a thing exists is a violation of personal & professional boundaries. The fact that yr W's boss visits yr home on weekends including wen u r not there, is EXTRAORDINARY! I don't mean to sound blunt as I can clearly see tht u love yr W & children dearly, but for goodness sakes, WAKE UP & take the rose colored glasses OFF! There are two people in this M & both have acted in ways leading to what at this stage looks like it's ultimate demise.

 

When u are confident & can accept tht no matter what u do or don't do tht u may still lose the M & tht even if this happens U WILL B OK, u need to confront yr W. She is holding off serving papers for the D not only b.cuz u hav been ill but b.cuz yr 180 is causing her reconsider. The reason she gas not committed to a last ditch JOINT EFFORT to save the M is because yr 180 has put a spanner in the works re HER SECRET INVOLVEMENT (b it EA or PA) which may or may not @ this stage include future plans w a THIRD PARTY (glaringly obviously most likely her boss!)

Edited January 15, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn