If he cares, why did he accept the breakup?

[Besmy]

Sorry Steven T and DazyDaisy, I think most of us here still don't get your peculiar point of view.

 

When YOU ended the relationship, what would you guys have wished the dumpee to do to show you that they cared for something YOU didn't care about in the first place?

How was the dumpee supposed to "fight" for it? Or better WHAT was the dumpee supposed to fight for?

 

To me it sounds that you would have expected the dumpee to cry and beg and they didn't give you this satisfaction. Therefore your frustration.

 

Please elaborate your thoughts and share them with us.

[Steven T]

My ex didnt fight for me and our relationship so that showed me she couldnt care if she was with me or not, thats all I am trying to get across.

 

To me it shows that I didnt mean that much to her for her to just accept me walking out of her life.

 

If you really love someone you fight for them right?

 

I wasnt looking for an ego boost or a reaction...

 

It just showed me she doesnt care about me so I guess I am better off without her.

[radiodarcy]

soo how long is that person supposed to fight? i fought for 2.5 years until he ditched me. what was i supposed to do - - fight for another 2, 3, 5, 10 years? there has to be a point where people say enough is enough and get on with their lives.

[fetish1980]

My ex didnt fight for me and our relationship so that showed me she couldnt care if she was with me or not, thats all I am trying to get across.

 

To me it shows that I didnt mean that much to her for her to just accept me walking out of her life.

 

If you really love someone you fight for them right?

 

I wasnt looking for an ego boost or a reaction...

 

It just showed me she doesnt care about me so I guess I am better off without her.

 

I disagree with this. Some cases this may be true but not all.

 

When someone is being dumped, why would they want to give anyone the satisfaction of putting up a fight or reasurrance while their feelings are being discarded.

 

My ex and I mutually ended our relationship but she's the one who moved out and quit trying to work out our problems in our relationship months before. I felt like i was the only one doing it and trying to hold it together during the last few months of our relationship. When she suggested a break and to move out, I agreed.

 

It wasn't because i didn't care, i was just exhausted. If someone has to threaten a breakup everytime you have a disagreement or someone says something you don't necessarily agree with, that's pure manipulation and selfishness. No relationship will survive like that. All that's going to cause is bitterness.

 

So basically, just because someone let someone go, it's not necessarily because they don't love them, it could be that they just love them enough to let them go.

 

fetish

[Dark Phoenix]

Ok first off, to those people calling the OP a drama queen and making accusations: Grow Up, think about what the OP is asking, and give some useful insight.

 

 

The fact of the matter is, every dumper expects at least a little bit of resistance from the dumpee. Whether that resistance comes in the form of Begging, Pleading, Desperation, or even "fighting for the dumper, they all expect some form of reaction. By accepting the breakup and walking away it does NOT mean that the dumpee did not care. It shows the maturity level of the dumpee to let the dumper have what they want, even when it's not them. The "did he/she even care?" question is the spark of curiosity that accepting the breakup shoots into the dumper, greatly increasing the chances of a reconciliation effort. Curiosity creates attraction from the dumper to the dumpee, this attraction may not be very strong but it starts growing immediately after a breakup which is why a reconciliation effort is much more likely from the dumper.

 

 

 

For those of you other posters that replied with something thought out and actually useful for the OP, I commend thee.

[DazyDaisy]

Dark Phoenix - thanks for being neutral and actually sticking to providing insight and not judging me based on your own experiences.

 

However, I do agree with Steven T that he just simply didn't care. I was depressed, hopeless, felt trapped in all aspects of my life, but he was fine. He made his decision to let me go with all his 5 senses working perfectly fine.

 

And he chose to just let us go. He just didn't care. He gave up on me and then on us both.

 

I guess now that my mind is clear, I see that he just didn't care at all. It's kind of sad that he didn't choose to breakup with me first... If he didn't care, he should have just done it before me and not wait for me.

 

It seems like he was just waiting for me to say it. Yes, he was hurt and probably still is, but wow. Couldn't he just try a little harder? What happened? I didn't know depression was contagious.

[EgoJoe]

You dumped him he was a man about it and you think he doesn't care...

 

 

I dare you to call him and ask him.

[Dark Phoenix]

 

And he chose to just let us go. He just didn't care. He gave up on me and then on us both.

I guess now that my mind is clear, I see that he just didn't care at all. It's kind of sad that he didn't choose to breakup with me first... If he didn't care, he should have just done it before me and not wait for me.

 

It seems like he was just waiting for me to say it. Yes, he was hurt and probably still is, but wow. Couldn't he just try a little harder? What happened? I didn't know depression was contagious.

 

By ending the relationship, essentially you were telling him that you had already given up on the relationship and him. Not to attack you or anything, I just want you to look at the whole picture.

 

Depression is as contagious as the common cold, or even a smile. Typically all emotions are contagious to an extent. You can easily get complete strangers to smile and have a brief "happy mood" just by smiling at them as you walk by. Depression takes longer to pass on to others but it is the same concept.

 

You dumped him he was a man about it and you think he doesn't care...

 

 

I dare you to call him and ask him.

 

I'm sure that would go over real nice

[D-Lish]

Dazy,

 

I broke up with my bf when I got pregnant and he wasn't showing me any support- his only response was "Yeah, you sort of alluded to that yesterday, I understand".

 

I was trying to get him to step up and support me, and used a drastic measure to elicit a response. I wanted him to fight for "us", but he just said "ok, that's cool". After a few days of not speaking I reached out to pick up my stuff from his place and we talked and I told him I missed him and wanted to keep trying- he agreed he wanted to as well. Nothing changed, so I suggested we end it again about 2 months later.

 

When I miscarried and my hormones were out of whack- I again told him I didn't think we were right for one another because he'd done something really crappy to me shortly after I miscarried. We did get back together a few days after that (me reaching out to him). It went downhill from there and he ended up dumping me a month after that saying my own words back to me "I don't think we're right for one another"...

 

When you use a break up as a tool to measure how much someone cares for you, you're essentially pushing them away and planting the seed that you're not in it for the long term.

 

Something I also realized- I was breaking up with him for a good reason- I sub-consciously recognized he really wasn't the supportive person I needed him to be during my time of need, and the break up was the right decision to make in the first place. I wanted him to fight for "us" as well, but he wasn't capable of it- and he simply didn't want to.

 

I should have let logic prevail and left it as is the first time I broke up with him.

[Woggle]

I don't get why some women break up with a man and then get mad when he accepts it. Men do this to sometimes but I notice it happens the other way around more often.

 

These games never work.

[fetish1980]

Dazy,

 

When you use a break up as a tool to measure how much someone cares for you, you're essentially pushing them away and planting the seed that you're not in it for the long term.

 

beautifully said. you don't gamble on your heart or your partner's.

 

I don't get why some women break up with a man and then get mad when he accepts it. Men do this to sometimes but I notice it happens the other way around more often.

 

These games never work.

 

and that's all it is, just games that are usually risen from motives that are not really meant for any good.

 

Dark Phoenix - thanks for being neutral and actually sticking to providing insight and not judging me based on your own experiences.

 

Only God can judge you. But you asked the question and people are giving you some pretty sound answers. The fact of the matter is, you can't have it both ways. You can't expect someone to fight for a relationship when you are basically telling that person you want to end it. I'm going to echo DLish by saying you can't use a break up as an acid test to see how much someone loves you.

 

Think of it like this: relationships are like glass and once it's broken, it's better to leave it alone than try to hurt yourself trying to put it back together. In this case, you're the one who broke it and your ex probably didn't want to beg and plead to risk getting hurt. It happens all the time. The dumpee has to be left with some dignity. It can't always be about you.

 

fetish

[M2155]

I do agree with Steven T that he just simply didn't care. I was depressed, hopeless, felt trapped in all aspects of my life, but he was fine. He made his decision to let me go with all his 5 senses working perfectly fine.

 

And he chose to just let us go. He just didn't care. He gave up on me and then on us both.

 

I guess now that my mind is clear, I see that he just didn't care at all. It's kind of sad that he didn't choose to breakup with me first... If he didn't care, he should have just done it before me and not wait for me.

 

You are making an assumption. I was dumped and I cared more than he will ever know. I did NOT want the breakup. I was not perfectly fine, in fact I was more broken up than I have ever been. But HE was the last person I could go to with that because he is the one that broke my heart. If you burn your hand on the stove, you don't go back to the stove to make it feel better. Usually you get more pain.

 

If you had a strong relationship, he cares. You showed him that you gave up and he didn't have a say in the matter. Have you considered that he cares enough to let you go and figure it out yourself? And maybe he cares about himself enough not to "fight" for someone that just told him to kick rocks? If you get fired from your job- the decision is made and anything you say at this point isn't going to change the matter. And if it did, would you be happy somewhere knowing they were about to let you go?

 

I had a BF in college who once told me that "I didn't fight for him." Why? He made a choice. He did not consult with me first or listen to my objections ("fight"). And you know what? He eventually came back (it didn't work out though:p).

Edited September 15, 2011 by M2155

[69ways]

I broke up with my boyfriend. Obviously he seemed very hurt and whatnot but he said he accepted it.

 

Why wouldn't he try to keep us together at all? Have you ever done that and why?

 

Deserves you right to have these thoughts.

 

If you are really thinking about this, you got EGO and and a messed up psychological complexity .

 

You most likely wanted him to chase you but it backfired

 

As a user said, Only God can judge you but don't come to forum which is mostly addressed to people that are heart broken by DUMPERS like you and expect sympathy.

 

You made your bed, now sleep in it

[betterdeal]

Dark Phoenix - thanks for being neutral and actually sticking to providing insight and not judging me based on your own experiences.

 

However, I do agree with Steven T that he just simply didn't care. I was depressed, hopeless, felt trapped in all aspects of my life, but he was fine. He made his decision to let me go with all his 5 senses working perfectly fine.

 

And he chose to just let us go. He just didn't care. He gave up on me and then on us both.

 

I guess now that my mind is clear, I see that he just didn't care at all. It's kind of sad that he didn't choose to breakup with me first... If he didn't care, he should have just done it before me and not wait for me.

 

It seems like he was just waiting for me to say it. Yes, he was hurt and probably still is, but wow. Couldn't he just try a little harder? What happened? I didn't know depression was contagious.

 

Maybe he also felt strained by the relationship and needed space from you to feel better / heal / recover? The thing is, you can spend your time trying to imagine things happening differently, or you can remember the good times with a smile and learn lessons from the not so good times. None of us is perfect, and we can all improve ourselves and our worlds a little bit most days. Feeling let down and sad is understandable, so feel your sorrow, but when you let go of trying and turn your head to doing, you'll find the world isn't so bad a place.

[melenkurion]

I guess now that my mind is clear, I see that he just didn't care at all. It's kind of sad that he didn't choose to breakup with me first... If he didn't care, he should have just done it before me and not wait for me.

 

Once I've been told "it's over", I'll say my piece once and once only. When I was dumped, I told him I didn't want us to break up, I thought what we had was worth saving, and that it could be saved. But there was no way I was going to beg and plead with him. I believe very strongly, if someone doesn't want to be with me, there is not a thing I can say or do to make them want me. I made it clear I didn't want it, but that was all I did. No matter how much I love them, no matter how much I believe it is a mistake, I will never beg. Begging and pleading never, ever works. That's the first lesson of a broken heart. The person being begged looks on the person doing the begging with at best pity, and maybe even contempt. Respect is gone forever. Who wants that?

 

However, just because I didn't humiliate myself, don't believe for one second I didn't love him with every fibre of my being. I was utterly devastated by being dumped. It is without question the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It's just that I've just learned the hard way that if someone truly wants to be with me, nothing will stop them from being with me. There is nothing I can say to make them want to be with me.

 

Also: from a practical point of view, your ex may very well have googled "my girlfriend has broken up with me". Do that, and you get a ton of articles all saying "whatever you do, DO NOT beg or plead".

[Mack05]

DazyDiasy, I think you have shown a lot of immaturity here. Breaking up with someone to get a reaction is never the way to go and I hope you will learn this lesson in future. I do agree with you here though. If he cared he probably would have shown you something. U don't need to beg and plead to show you care. I have learnt a lot of harsh lessons from my last breakup and the most important lesson is to keep your dignity and self respect after a breakup. I made a total idiot of myself last time out and that's the truth. I cringe when I remember the man I was. I will never allow that to happen again.

 

There are ways to show your partner you care without begging and pleading. Sometimes when we are dumped and we don't expect it, we are not sure what to say or do. If I was dumped by my current girl now (she is so far out of my league, I kinda expect her to haha :-) I would not beg and plead. But, I would ask her if she would mind if I send her a letter/phone call/face to face meeting in 2-3 weeks, just so I can have my final say. I couldn't leave a relationship I care about, without having my final say. In this letter, I would not beg and plead or try change her mind. I think the fact he hasn't even tried get closure for himself, means he probably has been thinking he has wanted to leave for awhile. I know you think this is the case and always trust your inituition. It's one of the strongest tools we have.

 

I think right now Dazy focus on your depression. That should be your ONLY priority. This disease can ruin people's lives if not dealt with correctly. I always feel anyone suffering from depression needs to go to Therapy. I also feel the best way to beat depression is outside of an relationship. People suffering from depression tend to bring their partners down. It's not really fair on the person you are in the relationship with and probably one of the reasons your ex didn't put up a huge fight when you said you were leaving.

 

I wish you well in your recovery.

[DazyDaisy]

Deserves you right to have these thoughts.

 

If you are really thinking about this, you got EGO and and a messed up psychological complexity .

 

You most likely wanted him to chase you but it backfired

 

As a user said, Only God can judge you but don't come to forum which is mostly addressed to people that are heart broken by DUMPERS like you and expect sympathy.

 

You made your bed, now sleep in it

 

I didn't want him to chase me. I wanted to be alone; isolation is what I desired. Not around family, not around friends, let alone someone who expected me to my part in keeping something together. And it was BIOLOGICAL (hormones go crazy with birth control)...

 

I don't expect sympathy. I never asked anyone to feel sorry for me, let alone the guy I broke up with.

 

You think that by saying all this stuff to me, you're getting back at your ex. The odds that your ex feels the same way are very slim.

 

Is it so wrong to wonder if he wanted to breakup with me too?!

 

Thanks to everyone else who actually gave me a neutral perspective on the issue, and thanks for your wishes (I hope it doesn't sound like I'm asking for sympathy).

Edited September 15, 2011 by DazyDaisy

[flitzanu]

When you use a break up as a tool to measure how much someone cares for you, you're essentially pushing them away and planting the seed that you're not in it for the long term.

 

 

 

 

you beautiful lady, this is EXACTLY what (assumedly) most of us are trying to say. drama queen or not, whatever the reasons, the dumpee's feelings and intentions are being measured by this breakup when HE didn't do ANYTHING except to accept the breakup like an adult.

 

don't confuse the maturity with apathy.

[Cowboy1015]

@DazyDaisy I'm sorry that your depression issue caused you to break up with him. If you really care for him and love him, all you need to do is reach out to him.

 

Now you wonder why he seemed didn't care. Are you sure he didn't care? You see, he actually cares because he respected your decision.

 

You see when my gf broke up with me, I agreed to her decision. Although within me, I'm in pain. Now this makes me wonder if my gf was also depressed.

 

So if I were you... you should make the step to reach out if you still love him since you're the one who broke up the relationship.

[DazyDaisy]

@DazyDaisy I'm sorry that your depression issue caused you to break up with him. If you really care for him and love him, all you need to do is reach out to him.

 

Now you wonder why he seemed didn't care. Are you sure he didn't care? You see, he actually cares because he respected your decision.

 

You see when my gf broke up with me, I agreed to her decision. Although within me, I'm in pain. Now this makes me wonder if my gf was also depressed.

 

So if I were you... you should make the step to reach out if you still love him since you're the one who broke up the relationship.

 

It's good to know that someone actually did this and it wasn't behavior just exclusive to my ex.

 

We'll see later on if we can actually get together again. I know you did the right thing by accepting her decision though.

 

I mean, it is what I seemed to want, right?

[69ways]

I didn't want him to chase me. I wanted to be alone; isolation is what I desired. Not around family, not around friends, let alone someone who expected me to my part in keeping something together. And it was BIOLOGICAL (hormones go crazy with birth control)...

 

I don't expect sympathy. I never asked anyone to feel sorry for me, let alone the guy I broke up with.

 

You think that by saying all this stuff to me, you're getting back at your ex. The odds that your ex feels the same way are very slim.

 

Is it so wrong to wonder if he wanted to breakup with me too?!

 

Thanks to everyone else who actually gave me a neutral perspective on the issue, and thanks for your wishes (I hope it doesn't sound like I'm asking for sympathy).

 

If you wanted to be alone dear, then you should have told him not break up with him and then wonder: Hmmm he accepted it so he does not care.

 

Maybe he felt you were about to break up with him and accepted it.

 

You did not wonder if he wanted to break with you but if he cared, so don't change the reason of the thread please, just to try and justify things.

 

Do you really believe anyone here can answer that?

If he really cared, only him can tell you that.

 

You dont know my ex but in general guidelines, yes she is feeling f..... up but heh, you dumpers get many chances to get us back now if you are so messed up you can t see that, it's not our fault and if I wanted to say anything to my ex I would and not take it out on you.

Dumpers problem is that you don't realise the dumpees admire you and love you to death.

One word from you and probably they guy would had been there for you till you had sorted t yourself out,

 

In my eyes you are confused and messed up but your questions cannot be answered here.

 

Your priority is to sort out yourself and not analyse why or if or because.....

[aposiopesis]

Daisy,

 

When my ex told me she didn't want the relationship anymore, I didn't try to convince her otherwise by begging and pleading. I didn't want it to end, I cared about her deeply, and I was willing to give her everything while the relationship lasted.

 

But, when she told me she didn't want it anymore, it showed that she had already given up on it. I was pretty clearheaded during the breakup, and figured that nothing I said or did would be of any use; she had already checked out.

 

Not responding wasn't a matter of caring. There was just no point.

[Thieves]

First off, let me just say:

The fact of the matter is, every dumper expects at least a little bit of resistance from the dumpee.

 

Ego.

 

Whether that resistance comes in the form of Begging, Pleading, Desperation, or even "fighting for the dumper, they all expect some form of reaction.

 

Ego, once again. Dress it up all you wish, but... why would a person want, nevermind expect, someone to beg and plead after them in desperation after a break-up? As if they are somehow privileged to such a reaction? Ego.

 

The "did he/she even care?" question is the spark of curiosity that accepting the breakup shoots into the dumper, greatly increasing the chances of a reconciliation effort.

 

Spark of curiosity = the beginning of a mind game extravaganza.

[Thieves]

Alright, Dazy. I think now would be a good time to see what we've learned from this. Like Hugh Laurie's character said on my favorite tv show, House: "Here's how life works. You either get to ask for an apology, or you get to shoot people. Not both."

 

In other words, we can't always have it both ways. You don't get to break up with people and then feel slighted when they don't react how you thought they would, or how you wanted them to. If you do, that is an ego problem that you need to work on.

 

You can't ask someone to fight for you after you've stuck the sword through their heart.

 

If you were feeling depressed, biological or not, you should've let him know. If you wanted to be alone, you should've let him know. Not break up. Yes, hormones do whacky things and can influence you to act out of your mind sometimes, but you do still have a mind. And he's still not a mind reader.

[geegirl]

First off, let me just say:

 

 

Ego.

 

 

 

Ego, once again. Dress it up all you wish, but... why would a person want, nevermind expect, someone to beg and plead after them in desperation after a break-up? As if they are somehow privileged to such a reaction? Ego.

 

 

 

Spark of curiosity = the beginning of a mind game extravaganza.

 

LS should have a "Like" button.