I Think I Missed my Window

[Ajax]

So I have this friend who I met in college. A very attractive, intelligent, wonderful women who I've been friends with for about eight years. About six years ago when we graduated I admitted to her that I had feelings for her. She had just started dating a guy and I was afraid I was going to miss my opportunity. She shot me down.

 

Things were awkward for a while but over the past few years we were able to mend our friendship, and I think it became even stronger than it had been. We both dated other people, gave each other advice... things were fine. A little over a year ago I went through a pretty devastating breakup, the story can be found in the coping section. She helped pick me up and put me back together. And then back in February she left her boyfriend, and I was there to support her.

 

Now for the past couple months I've been detecting little signals that I may now be on her radar as more than a friend. I asked her to a friends wedding, and she agreed to be my date. Nothing to read into there. But I've noticed that she's much more inclined to hug me now. She's been flirtatious too, which up until a month or so ago was not a part of our dynamic.

 

So Saturday I called her up to see if she wanted to hang out at the mall and have a picnic with me. We went into the Halloween store and she was browsing the sexier costumes, and said I should come to her office Halloween party with her. "Okay"... I said. We went on and I helped her pick out some clothes. Again, something she hasn't included me in before. I liked it. During our picnic she was full of compliments, and made a point to let me know that she's always really liked my family.

 

And then at the end she asked me to stay for a while for a glass of wine. While we were sitting, she moved her leg next to mine, proximity that we've never had before. And then I said, "Well, it's getting late. I better be off."

 

I know her actions are open to interpretation... but now I'm kicking myself for possibly being an idiot.

 

I want to see her and see if it's in my head or not. I've always felt that since she shot me down six years ago that she'd be the one who would have to show interest if things changed. Now I wonder if she was testing the waters and I blew it.

 

I'm also afraid I may have insulted her a couple times. She apparently is now a member of the "Tea Party," and my reaction was that they're nuts. She also asked my opinion of lower back tattoos, which she has. I didn't quite articulate my opinion that some are sexy yet others are tramp stamps. All she heard was tramp stamps...

 

So last night I left her a voice mail asking if she'd like to go to a charity football game at our old college this Saturday. Early in the week to ask perhaps, but I'd need to get tickets. So far, no word from her.

 

What's a guy to do?

[Trolly]

"tramp stamps", yikes. I don't imagine that you killed your chance, if there was one that is. I say maybe give her a little space and let her call you at this point. I don't know that my perspective is the wisest, but I say chase her with everything you got while she's single. You seem to really fancy her and when i'm infatuated with a woman I always say to myself "why should another man have what I want or deserve".

 

I think a female perspective would be helpful though.

[johan]

If you really did miss the window, you can always try the back door.

[ScienceGal]

I don't think that you've ruined your chances. She's still going to the wedding with you, and you're going to the office Halloween party. Buy the football tickets.

 

Is she the first woman that you've been interested since the split from your ex? Are you craving the closeness and intimacy with a woman, or are you really into her? Can you over look the Tea Party affiliation? And the tramp stamp? (I have a lower back tattoo which I completely regret getting when I was 18... it will be removed someday!). Just be aware not to compromise things that you shouldn't be.

 

Give her a couple days to respond about the game. I wasn't there, of course, but from what I read in your post I'd feel a little embarrassed/rejected if I were her. I think if things are creeping past the friend zone line, then you both need to talk about it. You don't want to cross the line and then have the morning after "uh oh". You did the right thing by leaving that night.

 

You'll see her again, so figure out how you're going to play your cards.

 

Good luck

[Ajax]

 

Is she the first woman that you've been interested since the split from your ex? Are you craving the closeness and intimacy with a woman, or are you really into her? Can you over look the Tea Party affiliation? And the tramp stamp? (I have a lower back tattoo which I completely regret getting when I was 18... it will be removed someday!). Just be aware not to compromise things that you shouldn't be.

 

 

To try to answer your question... I've been on some dates since my ex, but nothing serious. As for my friend, it would be genuine interest on my part. I've been attracted to her for the entire eight years I've known her. But our friendship wasn't a farce. I wasn't waiting around hoping to get a shot with her someday.

 

And yes, I could get beyond the political differences and tramp stamp. I don't hate them as a general rule. I just make a distinction between trashy and classy, which I'm not sure she realized.

 

I wasn't there, of course, but from what I read in your post I'd feel a little embarrassed/rejected if I were her. I think if things are creeping past the friend zone line, then you both need to talk about it.

 

That's what I'm afraid of. But I don't want to reject her, I was just kind of scared. From my perspective (which I realize is just my perception) I already made a move a few years ago and it didn't work out for me. I feel that if she's changed her mind (which after six years is possible) she should be a little more forward. Her "signals" have been ones that could easily have been misinterpreted, and I don't want to risk the friendship we have based on possible misconceptions. And she may feel the same reservations.

 

You'll see her again, so figure out how you're going to play your cards.

 

And that's what I need help with.

Edited September 14, 2011 by Ajax

[Ajax]

So she didn't even get in touch with me about the Football game. I ended up going with some other friends instead. I left her a message a few days ago saying I hope she had a good weekend and that I'd like to talk to her sometime this week. We played a little phone tag but we ended up talking for a bit last night. She apologized for not getting back to me sooner, saying she had been really busy. Now the fact that she's a busy girl isn't in dispute. She is. I try not to read into that too much.

 

So we made plans to go apple picking and then back to her place to bake a pie this Sunday. I'm looking forward to it and just going to see how things go. Any opinions/advice would be appreciated.

[breakfastmeat]

She wants you bro. Go for it.

[Ajax]

She wants you bro. Go for it.

 

That would be nice, but it's far from a certainty.

[KathyM]

So I have this friend who I met in college. A very attractive, intelligent, wonderful women who I've been friends with for about eight years. About six years ago when we graduated I admitted to her that I had feelings for her. She had just started dating a guy and I was afraid I was going to miss my opportunity. She shot me down.

 

Things were awkward for a while but over the past few years we were able to mend our friendship, and I think it became even stronger than it had been. We both dated other people, gave each other advice... things were fine. A little over a year ago I went through a pretty devastating breakup, the story can be found in the coping section. She helped pick me up and put me back together. And then back in February she left her boyfriend, and I was there to support her.

 

Now for the past couple months I've been detecting little signals that I may now be on her radar as more than a friend. I asked her to a friends wedding, and she agreed to be my date. Nothing to read into there. But I've noticed that she's much more inclined to hug me now. She's been flirtatious too, which up until a month or so ago was not a part of our dynamic.

 

So Saturday I called her up to see if she wanted to hang out at the mall and have a picnic with me. We went into the Halloween store and she was browsing the sexier costumes, and said I should come to her office Halloween party with her. "Okay"... I said. We went on and I helped her pick out some clothes. Again, something she hasn't included me in before. I liked it. During our picnic she was full of compliments, and made a point to let me know that she's always really liked my family.

 

And then at the end she asked me to stay for a while for a glass of wine. While we were sitting, she moved her leg next to mine, proximity that we've never had before. And then I said, "Well, it's getting late. I better be off."

 

I know her actions are open to interpretation... but now I'm kicking myself for possibly being an idiot.

 

I want to see her and see if it's in my head or not. I've always felt that since she shot me down six years ago that she'd be the one who would have to show interest if things changed. Now I wonder if she was testing the waters and I blew it.

 

I'm also afraid I may have insulted her a couple times. She apparently is now a member of the "Tea Party," and my reaction was that they're nuts. She also asked my opinion of lower back tattoos, which she has. I didn't quite articulate my opinion that some are sexy yet others are tramp stamps. All she heard was tramp stamps...

 

So last night I left her a voice mail asking if she'd like to go to a charity football game at our old college this Saturday. Early in the week to ask perhaps, but I'd need to get tickets. So far, no word from her.

 

What's a guy to do?

If you've been together that long, I don't think a couple of opinions expressed by you is going to blow up your friendship, but you would be wise to be careful about expressing a negative opinion about something that is important to her or something that is descriptive of her, if your goal is to get her to see you as a potential mate. Just wait for her to contact you, and then when the time is right, I would suggest saying you have feelings for her that are more than a friendship, and you're wondering how she feels about that. That would be my suggestion of your next move.

[K.K.]

If you really did miss the window, you can always try the back door.

 

Lmaooooooo..

[WTRanger]

And then at the end she asked me to stay for a while for a glass of wine. While we were sitting, she moved her leg next to mine, proximity that we've never had before. And then I said, "Well, it's getting late. I better be off."

 

What's a guy to do?

 

I think there's a collective groan coming up from the world on this one.

 

Kiss the girl already. Stop making this more complicated than it already is. The wisest advice I've ever gotten is that when a girl is telling you something, listen to her. Don't try to interpret it, just listen to it.

 

The leg thing, that was her sly way of telling you she's interested in getting close. What'd you do? Pull away.

 

Yes, you probably have missed your shot. She may not want to do things with you as she's tired of being frustrated at the end. She may not feel it's up to the female to make the move, and she's tired to you failing to do so.

 

Next time you two are out, move in close and start to lean in. If, and hopefully she does, mimic that move by leaning in herself. Just keep going and kiss her. No more trying to think. DO NOT tell her you like her. SHOW HER! Remember all of that crap that gets thrown around on the break-up board about "actions speak louder than words?" Well, this is no different. Show her you like her by your actions. Your words are useless.

 

And no more "hanging out". If you like her, ask her on a date. Refuse to use the word "hang out."

[WTRanger]

That would be nice, but it's far from a certainty.

 

Only because you are over thinking it. Only because you have a fear. So you make excuses not to. Nothing is ever a certainty. Are you certain you will not die tomorrow? Are you certain you will not get in a car accident?

[Ajax]

Only because you are over thinking it. Only because you have a fear. So you make excuses not to. Nothing is ever a certainty. Are you certain you will not die tomorrow? Are you certain you will not get in a car accident?

 

What you say makes sense, and sounds good, but I think I have a good reason to feel a certain amount of fear. This isn't just some girl I met and fancy. I have something to lose.

 

I understand the flip side too though. I have something to lose if I don't make a move too. There's risk in both action and inaction. Either way its a gamble.

 

I'll see her tomorrow and hope to get a better read off of her. I don't especially have a plan, but I'll flirt if she flirts and touch if she touches.

[WTRanger]

What you say makes sense, and sounds good, but I think I have a good reason to feel a certain amount of fear. This isn't just some girl I met and fancy. I have something to lose.

 

I understand the flip side too though. I have something to lose if I don't make a move too. There's risk in both action and inaction. Either way its a gamble.

 

I'll see her tomorrow and hope to get a better read off of her. I don't especially have a plan, but I'll flirt if she flirts and touch if she touches.

 

Okay, what's your greater fear? Regret for never taking that chance or fear of losing her?

 

Face this as well. The more your feelings grow, the more you risk losing everything anyways. Then you'll have lost her and you also have the regret.

 

Stop thinking, just do.