D-Lish Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 I dated someone maybe 4 years back. It was a LDR, and as much as we both really liked one another- the distance was a problem. He lived a few provinces away, and we were trying to do the fly back and forth thing- but it got expensive, and it was clear to both of us that neither of us was going to move to accomodate the other- so things ended. We've kept in touch since then with sporadic contact. He met someone shortly after we broke up, knocked her up- and ended up marrying her a couple of years ago- they currently have another one on the way. They've been on again/off again with problems- even separated on and off in the past 3 1/2 years. They are currently together. He's in my town this week for some training for his job. He contacted me last week telling me he'd be in town wanting to meet up. I said no initially because of the whole being married thing- but he was persistent in saying he was just looking for a dinner and a catch up and that his wife knew he wanted to catch up with me and was fine with it (don't know if I buy that). I finally agreed to having dinner with him Thursday night before he leaves. It's out in public, and I'd NEVER hook up with him- so I decided why not. Today, he texts me telling me he's right down town with a friend from his training and asks which store I am at today. Of course I was also right downtown- so said he could come by. So I see him again for the first time in 4 years- and it was awkward. Not bad awkward, but his friend was there and the Manager of my store and 2 staff members were there just watching us talk:laugh:- so we had an audience. I was fine with meeting him for dinner thursday before he leaves.... Until he sent a text after he left this afternoon saying "It was so good seeing you today, I'm really looking forward to Thursday". That changes a friendly meeting to a "date" right? Or am I reading into things? I have to reiterate I'd never fool around with a married man- but his last text makes me question whether or not me participating in meeting him for dinner would be considered inappropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 This is what I think, you got a male version of what I've encountered. I have an "old friend" who is doing that right now. When her marriage was on the rocks, she called me up, sent me email, etc... During dinner, I thought we could be friends and not FWB or rekindling. Well she said she was getting a divorce, enjoyed our time, and wanted to do more dinners. I said no and she stopped calling. Now a few years later, she sent me emails about her life, her family, and want to start a friendship. I ignored her and I don't if she is happily married or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted September 14, 2011 Author Share Posted September 14, 2011 This is what I think, you got a male version of what I've encountered. I have an "old friend" who is doing that right now. When her marriage was on the rocks, she called me up, sent me email, etc... During dinner, I thought we could be friends and not FWB or rekindling. Well she said she was getting a divorce, enjoyed our time, and wanted to do more dinners. I said no and she stopped calling. Now a few years later, she sent me emails about her life, her family, and want to start a friendship. I ignored her and I don't if she is happily married or not. He's not happily married, but I would be in control- I would never sleep with a married man. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 If you're in control then by all means, have dinner. You might have a new friend. Not an FWB, affair, or lover. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 He has an agenda and it's not to just catch up with a friend. Definately don't buy the "his wife knows" line. He wants to cheat and with YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted September 14, 2011 Author Share Posted September 14, 2011 He has an agenda and it's not to just catch up with a friend. Definately don't buy the "his wife knows" line. He wants to cheat and with YOU. I never would. I'd never consent to being an OW- never ever. But you think he has an agenda? That's what I am trying to figure out. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 The agenda won't be known until dinner happens. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 I'd pass. Can o worms, if this is the guy I'm thinking of. Group activities only, unless you know his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted September 14, 2011 Author Share Posted September 14, 2011 I'd pass. Can o worms, if this is the guy I'm thinking of. Group activities only, unless you know his wife. Never met his wife:cool:. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 De-licious, de-licious... what would we do with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted September 14, 2011 Author Share Posted September 14, 2011 De-licious, de-licious... what would we do with you. Spank me????? Hopefully? Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 Spank me????? Hopefully? You know it!!!! :love::bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 If you meet with him and behave consistent with your values, then I don't think a meeting with an old friend is fundamentally "inappropriate" for you to attend. What lurks in his heart? It may well be that the meeting is inappropriate for HIM to attend, based on his intentions, his understandings with his wife, etc., but you can't know that. Might it be a can of worms, as carhill called it? Yes indeed - who knows how he has interpreted your willngness to join him. Who knows what his real intentions are. I think, as others have stated, that there's a decent chance that he has something more on his mind - or at least, in his hopes. Can't catch a fish unless you cast some lines out. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take (that's Gretzky...) So he may well think he's being honest saying "oh, just friends" beforehand, while hoping you'll send signs of interest that he can then have the option of acting on. Plausible deniability... De-licious, de-licious... what would we do with you. I would take my glasses off as an excuse to have to get real close to read the writing on her top. Uh, did I just say that out loud? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 Can o worms describes as much the OP's current/recent emotional state as much as the history with the man in question. IMO, the timing for this is inappropriate. His wife is pregnant and he's out of town wanting to meet with an old lover. Can o worms. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 Can o worms describes as much the OP's current/recent emotional state as much as the history with the man in question. IMO, the timing for this is inappropriate. His wife is pregnant and he's out of town wanting to meet with an old lover. Can o worms. Yikes - I wasn't aware there was complex history and the wife's pregnancy involved. Looks like I haven't been following D's threads... ( I guess I don't deserve to read that T-shirt up close, after all. ) D-Lish - I guess I'd also say that if your spidey-sense has alarm bells ringing (this nagging and increasing question of "is it inapropriate?" based on his text, etc...) I would ask myself, really: what is the upside of going? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 D mentioned in the OP that 'they have another on the way', meaning the wife is pregnant and they have another child. D recently experienced a miscarriage and her BF left in the aftermath and has been in contact again recently. She's started a couple of threads regarding her past/current emotional state due to these events. Standing alone, without context, this meeting might not be inappropriate. Couched in the totality of circumstance, I feel caution is warranted. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 D mentioned in the OP that 'they have another on the way', meaning the wife is pregnant and they have another child. Totally missed that, and I see it now... D recently experienced a miscarriage and her BF left in the aftermath and has been in contact again recently. She's started a couple of threads regarding her past/current emotional state due to these events. Standing alone, without context, this meeting might not be inappropriate. Couched in the totality of circumstance, I feel caution is warranted. Yeah, given all that context, I agree with you, and it makes me even more insistent with my question: given all that, what's the upside of going forward with this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted September 14, 2011 Author Share Posted September 14, 2011 Yikes - I wasn't aware there was complex history and the wife's pregnancy involved. Looks like I haven't been following D's threads... ( I guess I don't deserve to read that T-shirt up close, after all. ) D-Lish - I guess I'd also say that if your spidey-sense has alarm bells ringing (this nagging and increasing question of "is it inapropriate?" based on his text, etc...) I would ask myself, really: what is the upside of going? Haha:lmao: That made me laugh out loud. I'm not worried about not trusting myself. We've maintained a friendship since we broke up, mainly through e-mail and the odd phone conversation. I consider him a friend and that's all. I know it's not inappropriate for ME to see HIM, but maybe it's more about it being inappropriate for HIM to see ME- and should I cancel because of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted September 14, 2011 Author Share Posted September 14, 2011 D mentioned in the OP that 'they have another on the way', meaning the wife is pregnant and they have another child. D recently experienced a miscarriage and her BF left in the aftermath and has been in contact again recently. She's started a couple of threads regarding her past/current emotional state due to these events. Standing alone, without context, this meeting might not be inappropriate. Couched in the totality of circumstance, I feel caution is warranted. He knows what happened regarding the MC. He was separated during my break up with my ex and we spoke a lot during that time. I don't feel any emotion about him having children, I'm happy for him. I just don't think he's happy in his marriage, and I think he probably wants to vent about it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 (edited) Is that appropriate? I ask because you're beginning to describe what essentially happened in my M and what was later agreed to be an emotional affair, not because of actions, but rather because of feelings. You might feel absolutely zero (I doubt it, since he's a past lover) but you have no way of knowing what he feels and the real state of his M, only what he's told you. Edited September 14, 2011 by carhill Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 The agenda won't be known until dinner happens. JB.. The agenda is that she is dinner Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 JB.. The agenda is that she is dinner She would be d-lish and yummy to eat!!!:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
insaneinthebrain Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 ahhh .. enuendo ... how i miss thee.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 Is that appropriate? I ask because you're beginning to describe what essentially happened in my M and what was later agreed to be an emotional affair, not because of actions, but rather because of feelings. You might feel absolutely zero (I doubt it, since he's a past lover) but you have no way of knowing what he feels and the real state of his M, only what he's told you. Carhill, I decided to cancel. I thought about it from his wife's position and how I would feel if I was in her shoes. He popped my work and said hello- that was fine- but doing a dinner might be pushing the boundaries given our past and given his present state of being married. I doubt he had told his wife he was going to meet up with me because she made him delete me from facebook, MSN and email when they got together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 JB.. The agenda is that she is dinner Lol, I do think that he had an agenda. Regardless of the reality that I'd never had done anything- it just didn't sit well with me. Link to post Share on other sites
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