NC: Indifference to crash the dumper’s pride and ego

[Besmy]

Hi everyone,

 

After reading a few posts by dumpers and other material on the Internet I have been thinking about an aspect of NC which I think is very interesting. It’s about showing indifference as opposed to despair and / or anger and the effects of that indifference on the dumper’s ego.

 

The dumper feels empowered the moment (s)he ends the relationship:

 

• The dumper most likely thinks that (s)he is at the centre of the dumpee’s life

• The dumper knows that the dumpee doesn’t want a break up

• The dumper knows that the dumpee will be hurt and unhappy

• The dumper often doesn’t know whether the break up is really final (although (s)he may state that it is really final-final) or (s)he will change her / his mind at a later point. This doesn’t worry the dumper though because (s)he believes that the dumpee will be waiting indefinitely hoping to get back and will only be grateful to be taken back.

 

The dumper feels “stronger”, “superior”, (s)he is the “decision-maker”. Depending on his / her nature, this “empowerment” will produce different types of break ups (disappearing, dumping by text, by phone, in person, in a civil way, on good or bad terms etc. etc).

 

The more the dumpee cries and begs after the break-up, the more (s)he is fuelling the dumper’s pride / ego and “high” = “I am in control, I am stronger, I am everything to you and you are nothing to me, I do what I want, I decide for you and you have nothing to say”.

 

If the dumpee manages not to beg (“Really? It’s over? FINE!”) and immediately goes NC, I mean absolute NC (including blocking Fb etc.), then the dumper’s “high” will not longer be fuelled.

 

The dumpee, who until recently probably played a quite significant role in the dumper’s life and still has some degree of indirect influence, whether (s)he realises it or not, is not longer there to be “told”, to be “rejected”, to be “humiliated”.

 

The dumpee is showing INDIFFERENCE as opposed to anger / despair.

Anger and despair manifest attachment and feelings towards the dumper, who will continue to feel empowered and reinforced in his / her opinions listed above.

Indifference instead shows that the dumper has stopped existing for the dumpee. The dumpee cannot be “told”, “rejected”, “humiliated” any more.

 

The dumper, who thought to be at the centre of the dumpee’s life, will start wondering how on earth the dumpee can live without him / her. His /her pride and ego will be hurt. No doubt about it. This may cause the dumper to text / contact the dumpee not necessarily out of genuine interest or to get back but just to get that “high” again and to bother the dumpee who dares managing to live without him / her.

 

Some say that indifference is lethal, it kills.

I’m not angry at you, why should I be angry, you are nothing to me, you don’t even exist.

 

Your opinions are appreciated.

[TheDovic]

That's genius Besmy! Definitely seems what's been happening with my ex. I have played this game to a tee and she keeps contacting me all the time being flirty, looking to know what I've been doing and AM I ALRIGHT!!! I never give her the satisfaction of telling her anything...

 

Good post

[Besmy]

Thanks Dovic, well done to you for not falling for breadcrumbs.

[fauxleather]

In the wise words of Eile Wiesel, "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."

 

So yup, you're right on the ball for this one. Even if we still do care and hate/despise/feel for our ex, it is still for the absolute best interest of the dumpee to not show it.

[Thornton]

When I was the dumper, I didn't care what the dumpee wanted, how he felt, or whether he was waiting for me to change my mind. I didn't wonder how he could live without me, and my pride wasn't hurt when he didn't contact me. When I dumped him, as far as I was concerned he simply stopped existing.

 

I didn't think about him at all, never mind wonder why he hadn't contacted me - I was actually pleased that he didn't pester me and annoy me by being all whiny, he just disappeared and left me alone. I wanted him out of my life, so I was pleased when he just vanished quietly. I got on with my life and never gave him a second thought.

 

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm just saying - the dumper doesn't always enjoy feeling superior or wonder why the dumpee has stopped contacting them - sometimes the dumper just wants the dumpee to go away, and is pleased when they do.

[yzyzyz325]

When I was the dumper, I didn't care what the dumpee wanted, how he felt, or whether he was waiting for me to change my mind. I didn't wonder how he could live without me, and my pride wasn't hurt when he didn't contact me. When I dumped him, as far as I was concerned he simply stopped existing.

 

I didn't think about him at all, never mind wonder why he hadn't contacted me - I was actually pleased that he didn't pester me and annoy me by being all whiny, he just disappeared and left me alone. I wanted him out of my life, so I was pleased when he just vanished quietly. I got on with my life and never gave him a second thought.

 

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm just saying - the dumper doesn't always enjoy feeling superior or wonder why the dumpee has stopped contacting them - sometimes the dumper just wants the dumpee to go away, and is pleased when they do.

because the dumpee did sth bad to make the dumper dumps him/her???

if the dumpee didnt do anything wrong, wouldnt the dumper feel any guilty? or the dumper is just too selfish and self-centered to care the feelings of person s/he used to love with?

[A7X]

Some say that indifference is lethal, it kills.

I’m not angry at you, why should I be angry, you are nothing to me, you don’t even exist.

 

 

That's gold, can I use that one day? hehe

[shayla]

It's the selfish and the self centered who would get the biggest charge out of seeing the dumpee suffer.

 

But then on the other hand, in my case, I confronted the other woman, posted the details of our break up on Facebook, and linked all of both their friends to my post. Talk about furious!

 

OH WELL

[Besmy]

But yes Thornton,

 

I should have specified that this theory of mine mostly applies to those who dump people without (providing any) good reason, the players, the sick, the phychos, the commitment phobics, the mentally disturbed, the beyond-repair.

 

If you dump someone because (s)he has made you unhappy or for any good reason (abusing, beating, cheating, drinking, drugs, whatever...) then you surely are only happy to get rid of them ASAP and only happy not to have anything to do with them any longer.

 

[radiodarcy]

i couldn't have said this any better myself! i do agree with the caveat that it depends on the nature of the relationship and why the dumper ditched the person.

 

but having been victim to a player myself, this makes perfect sense.

[dumpedandsore]

i couldn't have said this any better myself! i do agree with the caveat that it depends on the nature of the relationship and why the dumper ditched the person.

 

but having been victim to a player myself, this makes perfect sense.

 

YOur theory is right. But for some cases, like that of my 2 exs, i doubt they even bother, they are just more than happy that im gone from their life since they treat me as only scrap mental (but i see myself as a gem these days)

 

i cant be bother, but i always waiting for karma to strike them

[Thornton]

if the dumpee didnt do anything wrong, wouldnt the dumper feel any guilty?

 

I didn't feel guilty. It's my life, and I have the right to dump someone if I lose interest in them, so why should I feel guilty? Sure, I felt a certain amount of pity for the dumpee, but I can't date someone I don't love just because I feel sorry for them. I didn't want to date the dumpee any more, so I dumped him and promptly forgot he ever existed, and moved on with my life without giving him a second thought.

 

If you dump someone because (s)he has made you unhappy or for any good reason (abusing, beating, cheating, drinking, drugs, whatever...) then you surely are only happy to get rid of them ASAP.

 

No, the dumpee hadn't made me unhappy or beat me or anything. I had a new job with exciting new friends, and I wanted to hang out with them... I was bored with the dumpee, and he was annoying me by complaining about me going out instead of spending time with him. So I dumped him. I was glad to get rid of him because then I was free to go out whenever I wanted, with whoever I wanted. I really never gave him a second thought after he walked out the door.

 

I should have specified that this theory of mine mostly applies to those who dump people without (providing any) good reason.

I suppose that includes me - I didn't give the dumpee any reason other than "The relationship isn't working for me and I don't want to see you any more". I had no good reason for dumping him really - I was just bored with him and I wanted him to go away. I was glad that he didn't bother me again; I really didn't want him to pester me and cry etc, because that wouldn't have boosted my ego, it would just have annoyed me.

 

The dumper doesn't always have a good reason, and sometimes they just want the dumpee to go away, and are actually pleased if the dumpee doesn't contact them again. So I don't think your theory works for everyone.

[silly_panda]

Question for Thornton... What makes you lose interest..? Why are you with him in the first place..? Is it that he lost the things that you found interesting in him when you first started..? Just curious and wanna know...

[Besmy]

Guys, I've just discovered a friend's thread here under Coping which is enlightening to say the least!

 

The effects of indifference on the dumper first-hand from a real-life dumper!

 

Very interesting.

[gbadboy]

Thornton,

 

 

From the sound of your ex, it appears he was more of an annoyance to you and that the love/feelings just weren't there at all, so obviously you would be glad to get rid of this person. If this person didnt do anything bad to you as you say and yet you still didnt care how he felt after being dumped or anything like that, it prob means you never had any feelings for this person in the first place - so the theory wouldnt apply.

 

 

I believe this theory applies to a relationship where there is/was love or a deep intimate connection at one time and for whatever reason, the relationship ended. It applies to ppl who were in something where they never saw their partner as an annoyance.

 

This theory won't apply to everyone - I dont think that was ever its intention.

[pink glitter]

I LOVE this! I hope that's how my ex feels now that I've gone NC for over 3 weeks, changed my number n deleted him off everything! I actually feel in control of my own life n feelings now

[Coupedriver]

OH Thornton....KARMA is a BITCH.....and ONE day,not soon enough for me,the tide will turn and you will fall in LOVE with a guy of your dreams..all will be well..and BAM BITCH...you will be on HERE crying your eyes out..BUT this is one thing I can promise everyone....SHE will NEVER let us know....Or she will use a different screen name...watch...

[Thornton]

This thread is about how the dumpee's indifference would supposedly upset the dumper. I just pointed out that I've had experiences in the past which prove this isn't true. I'm sure that some dumpers are upset when the dumpee cuts contact, but it's by no means a general rule, and many dumpers would actually be pleased if the dumpee never contacted them again.

 

I've also been on the other side of the fence, where someone has dumped me and I've been hurt and upset. I know how little I cared when I dumped someone, and it's hurtful to think that's how little my dumper cared about me. But I don't go around entertaining illusions that the dumper gives a damn about whether I contact them or not - I know from experience that the dumper probably couldn't care less and just wants me to go away, because that's what I wanted the dumpee to do when I was the dumper.

 

Daydreaming about how hurt the dumper must be because you're ignoring them will just prevent you from moving on. Accept that the dumper couldn't care less about you - that's why they dumped you - and get on with your life.

 

Also, no matter how you feel about the past experiences I described, the level of venom expressed in this thread is over the top and is totally unacceptable. Please refrain from using me as a punching bag to express your feelings about your dumper.

[Thornton]

Question for Thornton... What makes you lose interest..? Why are you with him in the first place..? Is it that he lost the things that you found interesting in him when you first started..? Just curious and wanna know...

 

No, I suppose it was more that I assumed he was someone that he wasn't. When we met, I made certain assumptions based on what I knew about him and how he came across. However as time passed and we got to know each other, I found out that a lot of those assumptions were inaccurate and he really wasn't the type of person I wanted to be with.

 

There was no incentive to stay, but he wasn't a bad guy so there was really no incentive to leave either, and we ticked along in an unsatisfactory relationship for a while. Then I got a new job and met exciting new people, and he moaned constantly about me spending time with them, which annoyed me. That was my incentive to leave, because he was trying to hold me back from doing what I wanted to do. So I dumped him.

 

I didn't hate him or want to hurt him; I just didn't want to be in a relationship with him any more. Unfortunately there was no way to dump him without hurting him, and obviously I couldn't continue dating someone I didn't want to be with just to spare his feelings. So I dumped him, and then cut contact because I didn't want to deal with him being all whiny about it. I also felt it was wrong to give him false hope by maintaining contact; the message that it was over and there was no chance of a reconciliation was made much clearer by cutting contact. I'm sorry that he was hurt, but there's no way to end a relationship without hurting someone - the best you can do is make the break as clean as possible.

[Portisphish]

Look, I'm a recent dumpee, but it kind of bothers me when it's assumed that the dumper is always the bad guy.

 

Why can't Thornton's way of breaking up be viewed as acceptable? Isn't it more humane to just end it if that's what you know you want? Should she have stayed in the relationship unhappy?

 

I understand it sounds cold and callous, and I wouldn't want to give my heart to a person like that, but the back and forth some relationships take aren't exactly kind now are they?

 

As far as no contact goes. If the intent is to get the person back, I have to question that persons self esteem. If the intent is to move on, then who cares what they think? Isn't the most mature thing to do just move on? Is this all for revenge?

[Way2blue]

What if it was a mutual "dump"? You dumped him because he was acting indifferent and you realized they weren't really into the relationship, and they dumped you because they thought that they weren't ready for one and could see that you were being hurt? He was afraid of being hurt too. He said he cared about me and I was a lot of fun, but he had too much going on right now.

We both hugged and kissed goodbye and he said he would call and we could remain friends but immediately went back to the "toxic" (as he put it) relationship he was in before?

I doubt if there is any remorse on his part. As for me, I can't stop wishing it was me he was with.

[D-Lish]

When my last bf dumped me, I KNEW he didn't care and was relieved to have me out of his life- I KNEW he didn't want to see me again- I knew he had moved on immediately without caring or giving me a second thought- and it hurt like crazy.

 

I sent him an email after 3 months of NC. Not begging or pleading- just wished him well and left the door open if he ever wanted to have a coffee someday.

 

He waited almost 6 weeks, and contacted me to meet up. He was a mess, had lost a ton of weight, was in tears... We talked for 3 hours before he had to go to his hockey game- then wanted to meet for breakfast the next day. breakfast turned into an entire day together (no sex, only hugging). Told me he was a messed up guy and that was probably never going to change. I got my closureI had been wanting, and although we discussed the possibility of what dating again would look like- we both decided there was no going back.

 

I never saw that coming. I thought he was relieved to have me out of his life and I'd never hear from him again after he dumped me.

Edited September 15, 2011 by D-Lish

[coltsfan1]

MOD deleted my post..... SERIOUSLY!!!!

 

what did I write that was worthy of deletion? I said nothing rude and discouraged the kind of comment towards thornton. that was truly lame.....

[fiat500]

Going to have to agree with Thornton. Your ex who dumped you most likely thinks you're the dirt underneath their shoe and doesn't care if they never hear from you again or if you die alone in a ditch somewhere. You're a piece of sh*t to them basically and the only thing not contacting does is save your dignity.

[bwilder]

NC, for me, is for my well-being, not to make the dumper feel bad. I need it to heal, and hopefully NC will help that happen sooner than later. I'm not really worried about wounding my ex's ego. I do hope that he is ok, I know he is sad for being lonely (but i don't think so much for the loss of the relationship), but more than anything, I hope I will be ok, and as much as NC sucks (i'm just a rookie at it, god i hope i can hold out), when you're ex was your main source of support they say it helps the healing process.