NC: Indifference to crash the dumper’s pride and ego

[Thieves]

OH Thornton....KARMA is a BITCH.....and ONE day,not soon enough for me,the tide will turn and you will fall in LOVE with a guy of your dreams..all will be well..and BAM BITCH..

 

Oh wow.

 

Well. Anyway, nice thread, Besmy. I stumbled onto it a bit late, but still! I think for me, at this point in my healing, it would be irrelevant to know whether or not the dumper's feeling bad about what happened. It wouldn't help either way, and I'm almost kind of glad that I don't know anything about what's going on with him. Because it would inevitably affect the rate at which I'm healing now, which is slowly picking up as time passes. I've pretty much gotten past what happened in a way, but of course I haven't forgotten. That's the problem. I probably won't ever forget, or more I won't allow myself to.

 

So if he's feeling bad about what he did or is questioning my long silence, for now, I hope he keeps it to himself. At least until I'm truly healed. Though I'm thinking that 'guilt' or 'feeling bad' is one of the last things on his mind, as the last time I talked to him months ago he said things were going well in his current relationship. I don't wish anything bad on that relationship. It's not my place to intrude anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if he's almost forgotten about me by now, which would've hurt a lot more months ago than it does now just thinking about it...

[DenumChkn]

Thornton I'd be curious (if you still even check this thread heh) about a couple of things: How long were you with that guy who 'annoyed' you into breaking up with him? Did you offer him the 'we can be friends' line, or have you ever when dumping a guy? Did you cry at all or get emotional yourself when giving the 'break up' talk? Have you ever intimated to a guy that there was a future chance of reconciliation? I know I shouldn't be reading into all of these things, but I'm only 40ish days into NC and still have some lingering questions about the girl who dumped me. I have no intention of ever contacting her again unless she initiates, but the sting is still there a bit.

 

When you say your ex did nothing wrong, I tend to disagree - you were probably cold/distant to him prior to the breakup and this was his indicator that something was awry (as it should have been for me) and his mistake was not giving you more space to do what you wanted. However, I suppose even if he had done this the attraction was already wearing off and you likely would have still dumped him. In breakups where nothing really bad like cheating happened, there is plenty of shared blame to go around, but they are not really things either party should beat themselves up too badly over. I also think it is actually helpful to tell the dumpee exactly why you are no longer attracted to them, as then they at least have some idea of what to work on for future relationships. It might hurt, but I still would love to hear my ex tell me in plain english exactly what it was that put the flame out. In any case, You live, you love, you learn.

[Mack05]

I think there is a lot of good points in the thread but in a way it's a pointless thread. I have a hunch my ex got a huge ego boost, when I tried (desperately) to salvage things at the end. Indeed my ex and her friend posted on this very site 3 months after the breakup "a guy who sits on the couch obsessing about things, and from day one I told you that you do not know how to enjoy life (I respectively disagree hee hee)..." and "Go out! Make new friends. Interact with people in the real world! I know it can be difficult for you to make new friends, but try it in volunteer jobs. I am sure you will feel great for helping people who need it and you will feel how important you'll are to them. Change the focus, get out of that dark room of depression where you've placed yourself. Don't waste your precious days trying to understand and justify why your last relationship didn't work"

 

This was posted by them 3 months after the breakup, when I was well over the worst. I remember saying to myself who the hell does she think she is saying that to me! Talk about misplaced ego and very misplaced facts! Not only had I moved on, I was in the very early days of meeting my current girlfriend. Looking back, I really regret just not walking away and not saying a word. I hated (past tense) having my ex thinking she was in some way superior to me, just because she was the one that finally left the relationship. My mindset at the time was all over the place though. I see people on this site with the exact same mindset and I only wish I could help them more. But when are desperately clinging to something we hold so dear, the advice we get is in one ear and out the next.

 

The thing is Besmy when we go NC we shouldn't give a monkeys nutsack what effect it has on our ex's. NC is about our healing, nothing whatsoever about them. People using NC to get their ex back or to save face with their ex are doing it for the wrong reasons. In my opinion the single biggest mistake being made on this website, is that too many people or focusing on their ex's and not on themselves.

[betterdeal]

Don't be sad it's over - be happy it happened.

[bluenightowl]

I think there is a lot of good points in the thread but in a way it's a pointless thread. I have a hunch my ex got a huge ego boost, when I tried (desperately) to salvage things at the end. Indeed my ex and her friend posted on this very site 3 months after the breakup "a guy who sits on the couch obsessing about things, and from day one I told you that you do not know how to enjoy life (I respectively disagree hee hee)..." and "Go out! Make new friends. Interact with people in the real world! I know it can be difficult for you to make new friends, but try it in volunteer jobs. I am sure you will feel great for helping people who need it and you will feel how important you'll are to them. Change the focus, get out of that dark room of depression where you've placed yourself. Don't waste your precious days trying to understand and justify why your last relationship didn't work"

 

This was posted by them 3 months after the breakup, when I was well over the worst. I remember saying to myself who the hell does she think she is saying that to me! Talk about misplaced ego and very misplaced facts! Not only had I moved on, I was in the very early days of meeting my current girlfriend. Looking back, I really regret just not walking away and not saying a word. I hated (past tense) having my ex thinking she was in some way superior to me, just because she was the one that finally left the relationship. My mindset at the time was all over the place though. I see people on this site with the exact same mindset and I only wish I could help them more. But when are desperately clinging to something we hold so dear, the advice we get is in one ear and out the next.

 

The thing is Besmy when we go NC we shouldn't give a monkeys nutsack what effect it has on our ex's. NC is about our healing, nothing whatsoever about them. People using NC to get their ex back or to save face with their ex are doing it for the wrong reasons. In my opinion the single biggest mistake being made on this website, is that too many people or focusing on their ex's and not on themselves.

 

+1 well said. Keep the focus on you not your EX.

[TheDovic]

Just needed this back on the main page... Really need to read this over and over today because I really want to give in a text her

[TheDovic]

Another point that shows this thread might be correct... Early on when I was really upset and tried to get her back she was very cold and distant. Since then I have been "indifferent" towards her and since this point (according to both my ex and her mother) she is devastated and never comes out of her room. I don't want her to be sad but it helps to know I'm not the only one hurting!