My coping journal

[maxy1]

man, i have read some of your posts and i am freakin out pretty much because this just happened to me over the past weekend with the girl i was dating for little over 7 years. she checked out before i did, already had someone in line for her, then dropped the bomb on me. things had been rough recently, but we have gotten through things before and i would have NEVER expected her to do to me what she did...

 

i am glad your mornings are getting better now, i look forward to that part. the evening, to falling asleep, to waking up is just total hell right now. and i used to be a huuuuge morning person, all excited and bright eyed and ****. now i ****ing hate them. seeing the rollercoaster you have been riding i really am not looking forward to these next few months.

 

but enough about me, it appears you are getting better. just try hard to keep that good feeling, just another sweep and it'll be fine it sounds like. stop thinking about the other dude, **** that guy. be happy to be you, i know how you feel there also far too well.

[PositiveNegative]

"Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody

I've got some money cause I just got paid

How I wish I had someone to talk to

I'm in an awful way"

 

Maxy, hope you're doing better. 7 years is no joke, I guess I can't really compare to how you must be feeling. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Well. As the song goes, it's another Saturday night alone. I was occupied for most of the day but despite my efforts to find people to go out with I find myself alone tonight. I'm alright though. Before this break up, the last time I was single was January 22, 2008, yet, at this point I can't even remember what it's like to be in a relationship anymore!

 

...but, that's okay. I'm feeling normalcy these days and I ****ing love it. I haven't shed a tear for that girl in over a month now and I love that fact. I'm here alone in my apartment. I'm drinking a beer, writing music, and wearing sunglasses indoors. Why? Because I am the man! I've reached a much more profound level of confidence, it's amazing what a month can do. It's amazing what a week can do! I've had a really good week. It started off with the unwanted new info of the ex, but I reconciled with old friends that night, I was able to see the family for the first time in over a month, had a really good job interview experience where I met new people, and had drinks last night with a friend that knew both of us well. He gave me a lot of reassuring words and told me that I am on a good path right now.

 

I know he's right.

[allite]

i miss you dude. i just want you to know althought im not active on loveshack any more. i still come on to read your thread and your situation.

i hope you the best and i know you wwill be fine =D

[PositiveNegative]

Allite! How are you man? I would send you a PM but it doesn't look like I can. I really appreciate you reading my journal still. Really though, how are you doing?

Edited November 6, 2011 by PositiveNegative

[PositiveNegative]

I'll never sit down and talk with her again.

 

I have not yet reached a point where this thought is one I can encounter with indifference. I don't know if it's true, but the most important thing I've taken from this experience is that I will never know exactly what the future holds. It's a sad thought, to never hear her voice while looking in her eyes again. I miss her, but I don't long for her anymore. After this year I'm graduating. We don't live near each other outside of school, I don't have any real reason to ever run into her again. We used to agree that if we never started dating that we would've been best friends. It's a shame that our final days of close proximity are being spent at such distance, but this cannot be helped.

 

Yesterday was spent alone. One day is fine, but two days can be a bit trying. I didn't choose to be alone, it just seems like I exhausted my contacts and no one was available. I've always had a problem with befriending "flaky" people, for example, one of my friends last week seemed very eager to catch up with me telling me to call her to hang out! So I did. No response at all. She's always been "flaky" as long as I've known her but every time I run into her I always try and reason with myself that she is actually a good friend. She isn't though. She never has been. I was there to talk to her when she broke up with her boyfriend a year ago, and I was always there to help her with her homework. So, why it is that I am always the one reaching out to old friends? Is it pathetic? Why do I give such energy to people who do not care about me?

 

At the worst moments of the weekend I think about what she is doing with him and it stings. I am successful in never dwelling too much on the idea but it still springs up a few times during the weekend. It still hurts at times to know that there is some guy out there with her and he has no idea about me, I presume.

 

I'm ready to date. I know it. Am I ready for a relationship? Not sure yet, of course, that would depend a lot on the particular girl and not entirely on my mental state. I am ready to date, but have yet to find any girls that I've taken interest to. I do find other girls more attractive everyday and I have magnified the physical flaws of my ex, admittely, as a way to take her off her pedestal. The last time I looked her in the eyes was in mid September. At this point, I can't truly remember what she looks like.

 

...but, why do I get this lingering feeling that I will see her soon?

[PositiveNegative]

The clock hit midnight just as "1963" by New Order came on my iTunes shuffle. Look up the lyrics. Its sung in the perspective of a girl but reverse the genders and I feel the lyrics resonate with my feelings these days. The "gun" in the song can easily allude to a break up.

 

"He said I bought it for you because I love you

And I bought it for you because it's your birthday, too"

 

Yes, it's my birthday. First thing I did as a 22 year old? I bought myself a hamburger and an ice cream cone. I brought them back into my apartment, looked at myself in the mirror and became the first person to wish me a happy birthday. I'm sitting and trying to downplay the "importance" of a birthday but I don't know how well I will be able to do so. You all know what I will be thinking about all day today.

 

"Will she say something?"

 

I don't know. If she doesn't I know I will be hurt, I would prefer that she does and I am trying not to make myself be disappointed about it. I can feel the anxiousness build inside of me. Oh God, please make it stop. No one has said it to me yet. Why is this making me sad? Surely, at least my dad will call me? Right?

 

Sometimes it feels like post-BU is a movie. You feel like the world is centered on you, and you look at other people and think "Why are you all so happy?". Basically, your emotions are exaggerated, like a movie.

 

Thankfully, I have a day planned with my friends. We will make an entire day of it so that will keep my mind off of those things that need not be thought about.

 

" There's so many ways our lives have changed

But please, I beg, don't do this to me"

[Thieves]

The clock hit midnight just as "1963" by New Order came on my iTunes shuffle. Look up the lyrics. Its sung in the perspective of a girl but reverse the genders and I feel the lyrics resonate with my feelings these days. The "gun" in the song can easily allude to a break up.

 

"He said I bought it for you because I love you

And I bought it for you because it's your birthday, too"

 

Yes, it's my birthday. First thing I did as a 22 year old? I bought myself a hamburger and an ice cream cone. I brought them back into my apartment, looked at myself in the mirror and became the first person to wish me a happy birthday. I'm sitting and trying to downplay the "importance" of a birthday but I don't know how well I will be able to do so. You all know what I will be thinking about all day today.

 

"Will she say something?"

 

I don't know. If she doesn't I know I will be hurt, I would prefer that she does and I am trying not to make myself be disappointed about it. I can feel the anxiousness build inside of me. Oh God, please make it stop. No one has said it to me yet. Why is this making me sad? Surely, at least my dad will call me? Right?

 

Sometimes it feels like post-BU is a movie. You feel like the world is centered on you, and you look at other people and think "Why are you all so happy?". Basically, your emotions are exaggerated, like a movie.

 

Thankfully, I have a day planned with my friends. We will make an entire day of it so that will keep my mind off of those things that need not be thought about.

 

" There's so many ways our lives have changed

But please, I beg, don't do this to me"

 

Love New Order. Happy Birthday again! Really hoping it went well...

[OnyxSnowfall]

Your story is heart-breaking...... I hope you know better days soon.

[PositiveNegative]

Onyx, thanks for taking the time to stop by and the well wishes! I, too, hope for better days in the near future. Thieves, thanks again for the birthday wish! At times, I do feel weird for posting my journal in such a public space, but hopefully it can somewhat help people. The best stories are real ones. I'm not saying I have a 'good' story, I am as curious as anyone reading this as to where I'll end up on this journey...

 

My birthday was fun. Went to the city with some of my friends. Was occupied for most of the day. The ex did send me a happy birthday text right after she left work which is early in the day so thankfully I didn't spend the day thinking about if she would actually say something to me. I did have to sit down for a bit after looking at it and had a 'mini' panic attack, I brushed it off though and carried on. I responded with a simple thanks later that night. Went out last night for drinks with this guy I met this year and his roommates. Got the birthday treatment, free drinks all around.

 

The lingering feeling was correct, I walked past the ex yesterday. I mean RIGHT past her. She was looking at some papers for what I presume was a test she was about to take. In her the email she sent me last month she told me that she wasn't doing well this year, academically. Probably too caught up in her honeymoon period. Her body language spoke of nervousness, I had actually seen her from afar recently and she just doesn't seem happy. Of course, as we all know, these are things I am just telling myself to make me feel better. I don't care if they aren't fact. She didn't look up from them and didn't see me. I was looking right at her though. It was cold out, her big nose was bright red, she looked like Rudolph (or the Devil)! As expected, it did take some out of me to see her.

 

I plopped myself down in the nearest grass I could find. I stared at the sky, tried to regain my composure. I'm not religious. I don't believe in godsends or fate. I don't really believe that 'everything happens for a reason', to me it's more like a cause-and-effect thing. I believe we can make the best of bad events and learn to handle ourselves better because of it.

 

Anyways what happened next was a very nice pick-me-up. As I sat up a girl from high school was walking up the stairs directly in front of me. She was pretty popular in high school, one of those girls that every guy wanted, very pretty. I was an acquaintance of hers in high school, never a friend. Anyways, I haven't seen her in probably a year and here she is, in one of my down moments. She was excited to see me, gave me a big hug, we chatted a bit then she had to run to class. A hug from a very attractive girl? Never a bad thing. I was 'picked up'. If there is something out there that sent her at that moment then I guess I should be thankful.

 

Later in the day, as I was walking home, I ran into a girl from the dorms that I had not seen in a long time. She knew both of us, in fact, she was probably the first person to know that we were together. We didn't tell anyone for a very long time, but this girl used to see me sneak into my ex's room. She was shocked when I told her we had broken up. She actually apologized for her reaction. I didn't even tell her details. I literally just said to her that we had broken up. I got the same reaction from other people, though not as exaggerated. I guess that is a testament to how close people thought we were.

 

It's okay guys. I fooled myself into believing the same thing.

[allite]

Yes i check up on this thread a lot although im just too lazy to reply haha. or type out my situation. I wish you a happy belated birthday. And for me. ive been alright. Im in almost the same position as you are which is quite eerie but it shows how not alone you are in this world where **** happens for no reason. theres a lot of events that has happened and i would like to share and maybe one day ill have the time to write it all down but until then, stay safe and stay strong.

[PositiveNegative]

I can't believe this. Why did I just break down again? I was folding laundry! Folding laundry.

 

Then.

 

Tears. Again. For the first time in well over a month. Similar to that feeling after a hard night drinking I knew I had to "let it out".

 

And I knew. I knew from the second I awoke that today was going to be the day that I cried for you again. The empty weekend air fills me with indescribable gloom. Once again, I was left alone today. My choices were to stay in or walk outside. Would you believe that walking outside presents me with the worst of the two options? The campus is empty. Only a handful of people remain strolling through the grounds. It's quiet, in an eerie way. And all I can think about, all I can picture are all the couples indoors. Snuggling, sleeping in, making weekend trips.

 

I think of you and him. It's a false image though, isn't it? As you aren't the person you are with him that you were with me, are you? I want to forget you. To have someone cut that part of my brain and throw it away. 3 months. It's been 3 months now. The relationship feels like a dream now. After a dream you can only remember the parts that felt the most real. The most lingering, captivating thoughts are those when we felt the most real.

 

And I told you that. The first day that we were together. I asked you if what was occurring was just a dream. You left. I woke. The dream still lingers.

 

"Sometimes, upon waking, the residual dream can be more appealing than reality, and one is reluctant to give it up. For a while you feel like a ghost -- Not fully materialized, and unable to manipulate your surroundings... You wait with the promise of the next dream." - Criag Thompson - Blankets

[allite]

yes, i relapse too. twenty minutes ago. cried.

ex has new boyfriend, trying way harder for him

and im here with nothing

 

but you know what. as much as my heart hurts, as much as i hurt

what the **** will this do for myself

nothing. none of this sulking for myself, none of me praying he hurts her so im right. none of me being mad or sad will change anything until i just move the eff on.

forget and live

it hurts so much but i feel me and you

we will survive and thrive

 

this morning my mind was going a million miles a minute, so many thoughts go through my head

nothing was a complete thought. It would be like, "remember when i did this for her" then skip to when she was like this to me then just skips and skips and skips

that was so painful. i had to cry it out.

im still tearing up but i really do understand, how is weeping gonna better me.

i will be better, i will be the best, i will be on top and i will survive

you will e better, you will find a love and you are the better person

 

hey, wish we could talk someother places. any idea where?

[PositiveNegative]

allite, sorry to hear about that. It's a tough road we lead and at times it really doesn't seem like it will get any better.

 

I've had a rough couple of days. For no particular reason. It's 66 degrees outside and I have no one to go outside with, no reason to go out. I dreamed about her again, I saw her with her boyfriend. I woke up and felt embarrassment. I think about her all the time still. Every minute that I'm alone, I think about her. I doubt she still thinks about me.

 

Every time I walk on campus, I'm completely paranoid. I look around seeing if she is somewhere around. I'm always on my toes.

 

I had planned to run to the gym right after I woke up today, but my thoughts kept me up until 4 AM. I thought about all the talks of our future and how she seemed so sure that she wanted to be with me for the long run. I thought about the times where I asked her if she would marry me someday and she looked me right in the eyes and said yes. I know why I did it. I was afraid of losing her. As soon as I had her I believed that she would be the best I could ever get. As long as I had known her I made her to be this sort of Goddess with no comparison.

 

I would be lying to all of you if I said I was 100% over that assessment of her. Though I know it is wrong, I can't help but remember those times where I did think of her "perfect". Maybe it's so hard to let go because of that? Because I was so insecure. There were at least 5 guys that I personally knew that liked her while I was "just friends" with her. So when I got her, I was insecure throughout the entire relationship. Maybe I had reason to be?

 

"Now if I appear to be carefree

It's only to camouflage my sadness

And honey to shield my pride I try

To cover this hurt with a show of gladness"

 

Fake it until you make it.

[allite]

if you made it out alive for the past two-three months, you will make it out alive for the rest of your life. dont be down.

same here, my ex was beautiful

every guy in our area wanted her but i got her and i lost her

but so what?

i did lose my selfesteem, i lost my pride and respect but i know im building it back

and ill make it better

im still faking it everyday almost, somedays is just better than the others and my friends can attest to that

i remember there was one sunny day and i just woke up veyr happy. good mood. no thoughts about the ex and through out the day. i got at least 6 comments saying, you got your glow back. haha made me happy

[AlexisMacabre]

hey, ive been reading your log and its completly got to me, i understand exactly how you felt at the begining of this.

ah its such a horrible feeling.

[PositiveNegative]

allite, trying not to be down. As you experienced just a few days ago, sometimes you just can't help it. I'm really glad you are well on your way to building your self-esteem back. I think I am handling this relatively well, all my friends comment on how I am sound better everyday. My best friend here and I often talk about my ex, just on how much she wronged me, but he notes that I've been taking everything really well. Unfortunately, I've yet to go a day where I haven't thought about her. Hope you're doing well, brother.

 

alexis, yeah, it's hard to even think how bad I felt during the first month. I truly hope that I never experience that kind of pain again. I just reread the first page of my journal. In hindsight, it's heartbreaking to even read when I found about her new guy. Every post from Sept 15, she was already with him and I had absolutely no idea. I was blind, absolutely blind. I just never thought that kind of thing could happen to me. I'm no exception, I was just another example of the common routine.

[Thieves]

My best friend here and I often talk about my ex, just on how much she wronged me, but he notes that I've been taking everything really well. Unfortunately, I've yet to go a day where I haven't thought about her. Hope you're doing well, brother.

 

Hey, just decided once again to pop my head in your journal -- I'm pretty sure you're going to get sick of me soon, but ah well.

 

It's just what you said in the last part of the quote made me think, and honestly, I really think it's important to know that she may very well be in your head for a while...but it won't be as bad as you think. Even where I am now, which is practically a light year away from three months ago, I still go through this myself, but not in the way you'd imagine. Yes, I do think of him everyday, but the thoughts are passing and rarely stay for long periods of time like before. They're more momentary, more "superficial", and I usually don't linger on them.

 

What I mean by "superficial" is that I went from dwelling on the thoughts and saying, "Why would he do that to me? How could he be so careless? How could hurt me like that? Did he lie about everything he ever said to me?"... to thinking, "Yeah, it really hurt like hell, but I wonder where he is and if he's doing okay. I wonder if he's still with that girl he told me about. I wonder if he thinks about me sometimes." A big part of it is curiosity. And when I'm having a bad day and the thoughts are stronger, I don't necessarily focus on him, but on the situation I was in. I tend to linger on that, and think why I stuck around as long as I did.

 

As you go along in your own healing process, you'll understand what I mean by all that. It's a gradual change, but you'll notice it eventually. So I think it's important not to move on just to get her totally out of your mind, because that might not be a possible goal at first. She might always be there, but in shadow. But with time the thoughts won't hurt you nearly as much, so I think it's better to try and heal so you can grow as a person and learn from what happened.

[PositiveNegative]

Thieves, you know I like when you pop in to say something here and, no, I won't get sick of you!

 

Anyways, what you are saying about her rings true. I know it will get better. I know, right now, if I sat and dedicated my valuable time to thinking about her I could burst into tears again. There are times where I lose myself in these thoughts and that feeling starts to linger, thankfully, I am able to shut them out. Mainly, I find myself thinking about her and him, about how "happy" they might be. These thoughts are the ones that have the potential to keep me up at night. I may think about her everyday for the next year, but someday it won't hurt nearly as much and I do believe they will become thoughts of curiosity.

 

I had the most vivid dream last night. It was of reconciliation. In it, I ran into her somewhere and we went back to a room. She told me she still loved me and broke up with her boyfriend. She actually gave legitimate reasons for breaking it off with him, but when she started to describe her relationship with him I jumped up in anger and told her I didn't want to know anything about it. So after some (very little) thought I took her back. We were back on. The next day I texted her asking, for the first time in months, what she was up to. She didn't respond. I woke up sweating. I was angry, disappointed, had all the feelings of a "good" dream ending prematurely. My friend called me while I was still asleep. That split second before I looked at my phone screen I was convinced it was her. I wonder if she would ever reach out to me again? I do think about that a lot. Her new boy is keeping her busy though, and I doubt she even cares to send a greeting anytime in the near future.

 

I've been listening to the song "Alison" by Elvis Costello a lot. I interpret the song as a man seeing his ex-girlfriend after some time. She seems to have gotten married and her husband left her/treats her poorly. It seems that this girl left the man who sings the song and her life has gone south since then. The man ends the songs repeating "My Aim is True". Clearly, the man still has feelings for this "Alison" and by saying "My Aim is True" he believes he could give her a better life.

 

Good song.

[PositiveNegative]

The Thanksgiving break is coming to an end. I must return to school now. I must return to the place where she is. It's been a good week. I have been happy. Today is seeing me at my relative worst of the week though. I don't want to go back to that dreadful place. It's desolate, cold, empty. I was at my absolute highest joy my first year there but I think I attribute that to the aspect of the place being new. I've had my memories, it's time for me to find my actual home, the place that will recall only good memories for me.

 

In actuality, leaving that school will be very bittersweet. Not only because of her, but also the previous her and the dozen or so other people who just will become memories to me. Best four years of my life? Not likely. Building a career, finding my future wife, raising my future kids. Those are the events that will likely encompass the "best years of my life". Now, most educational four years of my life? That's a strong possibility. I've learned a lot from the two relationships I had these past four years, it was impossible for me not to. With this much thicker skin, I move on to the next chapter.

 

I'm very much looking forward to what awaits me these next few years. I'm excited for new love(s). It will be a marvelous feeling to have someone again, but I can wait. I know my worth and I deserve someone who will provide me with those needs I hold dearly.

 

It will take time. I will be picky, but we all deserve to be picky in such circumstances, don't we? There is no such thing as perfection, but there never needs to be.

[california15]

Hey

I just came across your journal and felt compelled to say something because your story was heartbreaking and I can completely relate to many things you're struggling with/feeling (esp the dreams and waking up alone).

 

I'm sorry you're going through all this. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger though huh? Sucks for all of us, I guess that's why we're here on LS. I find some relief in knowing that other people are going through this with me. Makes me feel less alone somehow.

 

I noticed your mirror reference on the first page. I have another for you I want to share:

A breakup is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken than to hurt yourself trying to put it back together. (And even if its put back together, all you're going to see is the brokenness).

 

Anyways! I enjoyed reading your journal thus far and I really sympathize with you and have my bad days like you - we all do. And side note, I don't know how you do it, being on the same campus running into her. You're a really strong person and I know you can get through this - and you know it too!

 

Keep posting - you're helping more than just yourself

[PositiveNegative]

Hi, California15

 

Thanks for reading my journal, it truly does help to know that you are not alone, and I have discovered that many times over. And you're right, trying to fix a broken mirror is quite useless, isn't it? Haha, I do not consider myself strong at all. I'm just trying to survive is all, I have to finish school. But thank you for your kind words, I know I will get through this, just as millions of people before me have.

______________________

 

Well, I'm back. It's as dreadful as anticipated. Who did I come back to? No one. I remember what it was like to come back to school after a break and see her within the hour of my return. She is, no doubt, doing that with him as I type this. Being here is just seems plain unhealthy for me. Physically and emotionally.

 

The geniuses that manage my apartment complex let people smoke inside of their apartments. The apartment has a central air system, so my apartment reeks of smoke at all times, no matter what I do. A week away had accustomed me to normal air, as soon as I got back I realized this apartment's air has an unhealthy amount of second-hand smoke.

 

Being home made me very happy. I'm already gloomy here and I've only been back for 3 hours. I was very hungry after the long car ride so I grabbed some fast food. I got home and sat on the couch we sat on while she broke up with me. I was eating awful food, sitting on a couch I want to burn, and watching a movie I do not like. I spent last night having a great time with my family, then went out to a party with many people from high school. In many ways, my single life feels like a regression to my high school years. The last time I was single was in high school and for the majority of it I was fairly lonely and desperately looking for another. The difference is that I am not desperately looking for another now. I thought low of myself then, but now I know I am an attractive guy and a great catch. Right now my current goal to learn how to live alone after having loved.

 

How bout that? As I am typing this right now I got an email from an old friend who got dumped about a month before I did. Guess what? Her ex now has a new girlfriend. You can guess what kind of words the email contained: "heartbroken", "bitch", "gonna be awhile until I get better".

 

Heartbreak spreads like wildfire.

[PositiveNegative]

It was cold last night. Under my blanket I crossed my arms for warmth. From an outside perspective it must have looked as though I was taking a defiant stance against some invisible enemy. Maybe I was.

 

I heard my phone vibrating at 7 AM. After a brief period of post-wake confusion I realized that it was only the alarm going off, no one was calling me. I was awake again and the morning dread made it's way in my system. I got dressed and started walking to class.

 

A few tears fell down my face as I walked. I don't know if they were a result of emotion or the dryness of the morning air. Nevertheless, I wiped them away.

 

I walked past the building where we used to run away to while we hid our relationship from other people, its only a memory now. I cannot wait to leave this place.

 

I was more or less a zombie during my presentation in class today, speaking words but not putting much thought into it. I'm actually glad to be around people when I am in class though. It makes me feel real on days where I have feelings of doubt regarding my existence.

 

On the walk home I catch a glimpse of my ex ex's roommate and her boyfriend. Memories from a now distance past surface. I remember going over to her lake house for a few weekends. I remember cooking breakfast there with my ex ex, taking showers together, waking up with her. I was in relationships for almost 4 years straight, but the aspect of having someone is so foreign to me now. I remember the events but I can't remember the feeling.

 

And that's the most we can do, isn't it? Remember. I am a memory, as they are and, as time passes, will permanently become.

 

An image.

 

I only have 3 pictures of my ex ex and I. I have a scrapbook full of pictures of my current ex and I.

 

My ex said she would always keep pictures of me. What an image. That 20 years from now a picture of me will be secured in a tin can. The tin can, hidden in the back of a closet. The closet belonging to a house I have never been to. The house belonging to a couple. The couple consisting of a man and a woman. The woman, once belonging to me.

 

Maybe she'll open the tin can once every few years?

 

She'll look and see the image of a former couple forever frozen in smile.

 

A memory.

[PositiveNegative]

I first left the apartment at 7 pm. For the first time today I saw those chunks of flesh...

 

Humans. I almost forgot the name.

 

Each one of them curled up in their pose, trying to defeat the cold that has suddenly reared it's unwanted head. You see a lot less smiles in the winter. It's no wonder why. We are too concerned with not getting frostbite than using the small amount of muscles it takes to smile. This is the temperature that makes the dead stay fresh, after all.

 

I got in my car and drove. 80 mph down the highway. It's scary knowing how easy it would be to sharply turn that wheel. To suddenly be met by one of the arborous wonders that tower over the pavement.

 

Smile. Haven't had one of those today.

 

My waking hours saw me situated at my new favorite workstation, bed. I needed to do work. 2 pages. It took me 8 hours. My sleepwear became my daywear. Why change? What's the point?

 

I should just go to bed.

[PositiveNegative]

Strapped on my backpack and was off to the counselor. In the waiting room I sat next to this girl. She kept looking over after me. Eventually she asked me "Are you okay?". I said "Yeah, I'm fine." Then she said "Oh, I was just asking because you were sighing a lot.".

 

I appreciated the concern, but who asks someone if they are okay in the middle of a counseling center lobby!? After all, if I was 'okay' I wouldn't have been there.

 

Last night I missed two calls from a number that was either one of her parent's cells or her house phone. I was shocked to say the least, my mind just ran crazy about what it meant. My heart raced as I realized the calls were very likely from her. I ended up calling back to no answer, as expected. The number didn't call again and I texted her actual cell number asking if she called me last night. She responded "no".

 

Well. Who called me then? I doubt her parents misdialed me twice, a few minutes apart. Looks like I'm going to just let this sleeping dog lie. I won't be getting any answer to this. It was a setback for awhile but I'm strong enough at this point to know how to deal with it.

 

On my way home I decided to sit at a bus stop. I don't need to ride a bus to get to my apartment from campus, but I just wanted to be around people. Just observe. Eventually everyone got on a bus and I was alone. Just sitting. Waiting. For nothing in particular.

[Thieves]

It was cold last night. Under my blanket I crossed my arms for warmth. From an outside perspective it must have looked as though I was taking a defiant stance against some invisible enemy. Maybe I was.

 

I heard my phone vibrating at 7 AM. After a brief period of post-wake confusion I realized that it was only the alarm going off, no one was calling me. I was awake again and the morning dread made it's way in my system. I got dressed and started walking to class.

 

A few tears fell down my face as I walked. I don't know if they were a result of emotion or the dryness of the morning air. Nevertheless, I wiped them away.

 

I walked past the building where we used to run away to while we hid our relationship from other people, its only a memory now. I cannot wait to leave this place.

 

I was more or less a zombie during my presentation in class today, speaking words but not putting much thought into it. I'm actually glad to be around people when I am in class though. It makes me feel real on days where I have feelings of doubt regarding my existence.

 

On the walk home I catch a glimpse of my ex ex's roommate and her boyfriend. Memories from a now distance past surface. I remember going over to her lake house for a few weekends. I remember cooking breakfast there with my ex ex, taking showers together, waking up with her. I was in relationships for almost 4 years straight, but the aspect of having someone is so foreign to me now. I remember the events but I can't remember the feeling.

 

And that's the most we can do, isn't it? Remember. I am a memory, as they are and, as time passes, will permanently become.

 

An image.

 

I only have 3 pictures of my ex ex and I. I have a scrapbook full of pictures of my current ex and I.

 

My ex said she would always keep pictures of me. What an image. That 20 years from now a picture of me will be secured in a tin can. The tin can, hidden in the back of a closet. The closet belonging to a house I have never been to. The house belonging to a couple. The couple consisting of a man and a woman. The woman, once belonging to me.

 

Maybe she'll open the tin can once every few years?

 

She'll look and see the image of a former couple forever frozen in smile.

 

A memory.

 

Wow. I don't know what else to say, except lovely entry.

 

Only one thing, though: it makes me sad! Obviously, but I don't like reading about you being sad, at all -- even if I know you can't always help it.

 

I know you how feel about struggling with the subject of memories. There are plenty of times where I don't like thinking of what I shared with 'him' as just memories, even though truthfully, that's what they are now. That's all they can be. Yet I felt so stubborn when it came to accepting this, because seeing them as only 'memories' meant I had to accept that it was in the past, which also in turn meant I had to acknowledge how that chapter of my life is closed -- that there was no chance of re-opening it. So there I was, left to look back on moments that will no longer be alive or repeated. No moving back, no moving forward... just, as you said, frozen.

 

Sorry, I realize that saying most of this probably isn't helping much. But if anything, I do know that dealing with the memories and how they'll always stay that way will get gradually easier with time. The residual sting of looking back on those 'moments' won't be as strong, or as painfully sharp, but more acceptable by allowing yourself to face the reality of it head on. I try to tell myself that not all hope is lost.

 

I do know, though, that having all of these feelings in the midst of winter doesn't make any of this better. But keep trying your best to stay well, and of course, try and stay warm...