My coping journal

[Million.to.1]

I just read your whole journal. You are an excellent writer. So honest and reflective. It's a great trait.

 

Remember you allowing yourself to feel these things is good. Many men block it out and it just runs from one relationship to the next.

I can see you are dealing with it in a really healthy way, although hard, you are moving forward.. not jumping forward only to fall back later.

 

Remember also that you are young, and there will be many many amazing woman that will come through your life in the future. It's hard when we put our Ex on a pedestal to see that through our fog, but it's true. One day you will know why it didn't work out, regardless of why. You will be with someone else and feel happy that that relationship ended so that this new one could begin.

 

Stay strong and keep writing.

[Drift Wood]

Strapped on my backpack and was off to the counselor. In the waiting room I sat next to this girl. She kept looking over after me. Eventually she asked me "Are you okay?". I said "Yeah, I'm fine." Then she said "Oh, I was just asking because you were sighing a lot.".

 

I appreciated the concern, but who asks someone if they are okay in the middle of a counseling center lobby!? After all, if I was 'okay' I wouldn't have been there.

 

Last night I missed two calls from a number that was either one of her parent's cells or her house phone. I was shocked to say the least, my mind just ran crazy about what it meant. My heart raced as I realized the calls were very likely from her. I ended up calling back to no answer, as expected. The number didn't call again and I texted her actual cell number asking if she called me last night. She responded "no".

 

Well. Who called me then? I doubt her parents misdialed me twice, a few minutes apart. Looks like I'm going to just let this sleeping dog lie. I won't be getting any answer to this. It was a setback for awhile but I'm strong enough at this point to know how to deal with it.

 

On my way home I decided to sit at a bus stop. I don't need to ride a bus to get to my apartment from campus, but I just wanted to be around people. Just observe. Eventually everyone got on a bus and I was alone. Just sitting. Waiting. For nothing in particular.

 

I remember spending countless nights just sitting and waiting. Whether it was in the afternoon, or 4am in the morning. I would just sit and wait, but nothing ever happened.

 

Fortunately I have stopped dreaming about her so I've gotten better. The holidays sets me back a bit though.

 

Hope you're doing better. Walking passed places we used to spend time at don't seem to bother me as much anymore.

 

Cheers.

[neghitzbrah]

In many ways, my single life feels like a regression to my high school years. The last time I was single was in high school and for the majority of it I was fairly lonely and desperately looking for another. The difference is that I am not desperately looking for another now. I thought low of myself then, but now I know I am an attractive guy and a great catch. Right now my current goal to learn how to live alone after having loved.

 

Hey PN,

 

I know what you mean by this. I was single my entire high school career. It was great. I have these AIM logs and pics from high school. Lots of friends. Lots of moments with ladies. Sure I was alone, but didn't feel lonely. It felt good. In the pictures, I was a happy guy. I was my own person, my own man.

 

College started, and I continued to live the single life. It felt nice, feeling like a voyager. Then I met her 2 months into Freshman year. That all lasted until a year ago. I lost who I was. I became too attached, and she did the same with me. She was also a really attractive girl who guys wouldn't stop bothering. I was proud of that. After so long, when I ended it... she didn't want it to end. She needed me, but I knew it was right. Then everything turned around while we were hanging out with our friends as 'friends.' I saw her talk to another dude at a bar, then I got really jealous and realized that I want her back. We spent 2 more nights as a couple as we got back together. Finally she ended it and it has never been the same since then. She started to date her ex-boyfriend, and they've been bf/gf since last May.

 

She's dumb... an idiot. So insecure with herself. She needs a guy to validate herself. And I got lost in all that. Each day that goes by after the BU I become more like who I used to be. Happy with myself.

 

I can honestly say that I am happy being single. I listen to music I like to listen to, I work a job I wanna work at and put in that OT, I live on my own, and hang out with who I want. Life is a lot different now, I'm older and wiser. And not afraid to express myself, because that's what makes me.. me.

 

Hang in there PN. You seem to be doing well for yourself too. Don't beat yourself up for not talking to a girl you like, the confidence will come in that. All that confidence you gave away while in your relationship with your ex doesn't come back over night. Soon, you'll look back on yourself now and smile at how much progress you made.

 

Good luck buddy

[neghitzbrah]

By the way, I read your entire journal. Good stuff, keep it up!

[PositiveNegative]

And there they were.

 

Her and Him...

 

The day was met with gray clouds. Rain. I was equipped with my headphones to protect me from my thoughts and my jacket to protect me from those drops born of the sky. The semester is almost over. I almost made it without seeing them.

 

There they were. Down the path. Huddled under a blue umbrella. She was holding it. What a gentleman. Or perhaps her stubbornness has not faded yet. Talking amongst themselves, I could not cut my path short. I walked forward, embracing the source of ninety percent of my thoughts for the last three months.

 

And I panic. An arrow shot long ago finally reaches my heart. How I wish that someone were with me, but I was alone. And that is how she saw me, alone. As I cross their path I turn my head, looking at the building to my right while they past on my left. She saw me. That is an absolute. I wonder if he knew who I was though? After they passed I turned around and, like the weak soul that I am, just watched them continue walking. She didn't turn around, she didn't even move her neck. I don't long for her anymore. But I'm still in shock of their existence. That she was able to do that with no hesitation. And I have a brief glance at him. He couldn't seem anymore different than I. Aesthetically, this guy is a dime a dozen. Why did she even go with me? This guy is more akin to her previous boyfriend than I. She assured me that I was perfect. I do feel used in someways. The relationship has been belittled because of this, it doesn't feel real anymore.

 

And I thought again, as bad as it is, "What is wrong with me?". Yes, it is a strike to your pride when you are replaced so quickly with someone entirely new. I was frozen. I could not carry on to my destination.

 

So that's why it rained today. Appropriate. Again, the nearest thing was a bus stop. And I sat. Wet bench? Who cares. I took off my jacket that was meant to keep me dry. I took off my headphones meant to squelch the thoughts. And I sat. I did not cry. I stared off at a campus that has long since served it's purpose. I felt that pain again. I made sure to feel it. The rain attacked me. The thoughts attacked me.

 

"How is this real?"

"Why is this real?"

 

And it hurt. As anyone in this position can imagine. My God, it hurt. This girl was it for me, at one point. We imagined that future together. Proclaimed it, even. What a fool I was. A victim of youth. I know this feeling will pass and one day this kind of encounter will cease to be possible. For one reason or another.

 

So I gathered myself up, and walked along.

 

And here I am.

[futuredentist]

My ex and I were going to get married as well. We had such an exciting, adventourous life. It's been four months for me and yesterday I finally decided to let him go and try to move on to find my happiness again. I've been trying to move on but not serious about trying.

 

As for seeing her with a new person in her life. My ex was pursuing women before we broke up that he claimed were "just friends". I happened to look at his facebook yesterday and saw he is also with someone that he seems to have been dating for the last 2 months. He wanted to marry me after 3 months of dating yet he moves on after 2 months in a relationship with someone else already. I don't have any children but this girl has a 3 yr old. I'm thin and she is very overweight. I'm extremely pretty, I would give myself an 8 or 9 and she is a 3 or 4. So it's like desperateness? Yet he claimed to me yesterday through 10 hours of fighting through stupid text that he missed me, and our break up wasn't easy, and that every girl he dates, he looks for a me.. Yeah, 4 months of not being able to let go and hoping that fate would bring us back together, just went down the drain.

 

 

Keep your head up. Self help books, this site, and google are amazing.

 

 

 

“Some men choose to follow women, and some men choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.”

Edited December 7, 2011 by futuredentist

[PositiveNegative]

Million.to.1: Thank you for your words. I have no intention of denying these feelings, as I am certain this is the only way to really get 'over' this. And yes, I do believe that someone better is out there for me. I can't wait to find her.

Drift Wood: Hey man! I was wondering what happened to you! How are you fairing these days? I hope you are well on your way through the healing process.

neghitzbrah: It seems we had quite different high school experiences. Don't get me wrong, I had my fun and put on my best face, but inside I was always down. It seems to be my 'default' emotion. That was, until I got my first girlfriend near the end of senior year. I am learning how to be happy these days and I feel it coming, I'm not completely over 'it', but I know it was come someday soon.

futuredentist: It's just a tad bit over 3 months for me now. I think I've let go at this point. At least, that's how I feel. Though, I doubt I will ever feel okay seeing her with another man. You know what? My ex told me the exact same things when she first told me that she was dating this guy. She said she 'missed me', that breaking up with me was not easy, all while already being in a new 'relationship'. And you sound like a catch! If someone can leave you for someone who seems so deplorable then it is definitely best that you let go. Surely, you will find yourself in a better position than him someday, but by then you won't even care to see where he is. I hope I get there soon.

[Drift Wood]

Hey man! Thing's were pretty rough, but I'm much better now. There are still occasions where I feel so weak, but it is much easier to manage.

 

I still long for those days where I felt like I belonged somewhere. I'm still trying to accept that those days are long gone.

 

To recovery!

 

Cheers.