My coping journal

[PositiveNegative]

I cannot wait for the day that I can have someone to wake up with again. Every time I wake in the middle of the night I always just think of her sleeping with that guy and it just kills me. It was a mere 5 weeks ago where I was the one sleeping with her, we woke up together to the morning sun. It really is such a foreign memory now. Already, someone is sleeping on a pillow that I had laid my head on and holding a girl that I had so recently woke up with. Every time I get up to use the bathroom I imagine him doing the same in her apartment then returning back to bed with her. I return to nothing.

 

Why is sex such a powerful thing? I miss it incredibly. My ex had such an incredible body, it just another reason that made it so hard to leave her. You don't see many girls with bodies like hers. The sex was amazing, I was her first, but she was a very sexual girl. I am certain they have already had sex and that is such an incredibly hurtful image. It makes me so angry and upset. She told to tell me that I was the sexiest guy that she could ever imagine and that she would never have to look for another. I've already learned so much from this break up and I no that I will never say those types of things again until I have a relationship that has lasted a number of years.

 

I guess I am still in shock. I really just can't believe she is already with another guy. I don't know how she allowed herself to believe that she was ready, I don't think I will ever understand it. I still miss her a lot, obviously. I know she misses me too, but that will surely die down since she has someone to fill that void.

[PositiveNegative]

I knew it. As soon as I woke up. Today was a relapse day. I did all I could to prevent it. I drove around, went to the gym, went to get something to eat. I ate two wings and then I just knew I was in no position to eat. I just couldn't. I had a panic attack, I probably should not have come home but I did, took all of my strength not to cry on my way home. I broke down as soon as I got here. I failed at repressing thoughts of her. I thought about meeting her parents and how happy I was that summer, her with this new guy, and how I am so scared of being alone. There will be a girl that I will find one day that I will marry, I am not afraid of that. I am just scared at how long it will take me to find her. I'm scared of how long it will be until my next relationship. I am so terrified of not being over her a year from now.

 

On my way home I passed four things. Her apartment, her car was there. So much of our early relationship was spent driving around in that car. I passed by the place where we met, the place where I first told her I loved her and the place where she works. I hate being on this campus. I wish I could leave too many things contain memories of us. Her roommates were at the place I ate. They looked at me and ignored me. That's probably for the best.

 

I'm trying to breathe. I'm trying so damn hard to be strong. I don't want to be like this. I hate it so much. I don't want to feel weak anymore. I hate this feeling of being suffocated and alone. There are times where I feel so proud of myself for being able to not contact her and there are times where I feel so sad that I will never be able to have a conversation with her again or laugh with her again. Then there are times where I hate her so much and then times where I think about when I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I am not over her. Not even close. I keep asking myself why did she leave me. Ugh, I am stronger than this, I know I am. I am still trying to learn how to be on my own and it is truly the most difficult thing I have ever done.

[Duckduckgoose]

"Relapse days" are just the emotional rollercoaster you'll be on for a while. You'll hit some highs you've never experienced before, and some lows that make mud look classy.

 

Eventually the rollercoaster will even out. It did for me.

[PositiveNegative]

May I ask how long that took to even out?

[PositiveNegative]

Day 38.

 

For the first time since she left me I have sat down and put on a song. A song from my favorite album by my favorite band. The lyrics speak clear to my situation. I had to stop it half way through, I choked up. I still am not ready for music yet.

 

This weekend found me in relapse. I am trying so hard to not think about her with the new boyfriend but the thoughts keep on returning. It kills me to think of her with him. I think about all the things that he will do with her and learn with her and I relate it to how I did that. It truly feels like I am being replaced. I hate this feeling. It's funny how even happiness can be taken for granted. Don't get me wrong, I have had moments where I have genuinely smiled and genuinely laughed but the gloom always comes back.

 

I do daydream about my next girl. When I was with my ex I never wanted a new romance because I thought I would marry her. At the same time I did have some regrets that if that happened then I would never have the experience of new love again. Today, I find myself really excited at the aspect of new romance and that amazing feeling related to learning and discovering a new person. That feeling pushes me towards hope and happiness. I am quite scared of the length of time this new, better girl will come into my life. I am terrified of spending this entire year by myself. I am entirely jealous that she found someone so quickly. I just want to be happy again, really.

[PositiveNegative]

Day 39

 

For anyone hurting and reading this. I suggest doing what I have done and make a to do list for yourself. I just started doing a kickboxing class. As I was beating the crap out of that punching bag today I thought about all the things in life that I have passed up. All the things that I have given up on "just because". Things that I could have excelled at but chose not to. I started to write them down. I am going to do every single one of the things that I have written down. I mean it.

 

This is my time, for all you broken-hearted, this is your time. Make the best possible you! I am just now learning how to love myself, how to look at myself and smile because I am ME and not because I am with HER or anyone else! She nor any other girl will ever define who I am again, I will refuse to let that happen ever again.

 

My cousin talked to me today. I have never really talked to her before but she caught wind of my situation and she had seen similar struggles. She had gone through a lot of the scenarios that I had gone through. An early "emotional affair", a long term relationship, a feeling of "the one", and then the eventual "out of the blue" dump. There was no real "reason" for the dump... GIGS. She told me of the struggles she went through and everything she had to do to get better. She never got closure from the guy. It took her about to year to truly let go of the relationship, she had plenty of chances to date other guys but she knew it would not be fair to them. She was smart enough not to rebound. When she had let go communication had started up between her and the ex. By that time the ex had started reaching out to her again, he lived in a different state and invited my cousin out to visit him. He wasn't out front about his intentions but this was definitely a potential chance of reconciliation, but she had ALREADY let go. My cousin decided not to go. She told me that was the hardest decision of her life. So what happened?

 

She and the ex are now friends that talk regularly. It took her a long time to start dating again, but she has been with someone for 3 years now. She had to truly let go first though and she took the relationship slowly and naturally. The thing that she said was the most important to thing learn was this: "Live in the present. There is no need to try and rush into your future."

 

Smile everyone. Remember. YOU ARE ALIVE! That is the absolute greatest gift of all.

[allite]

haha way to go. Im proud and happy that your doing better. Yes do the things you couldnt before and enjoy whats happening now. Like dont go looking for relationships, im sure it will cross your path but right now, its all about you.

[PositiveNegative]

My God. I am just such a mess. I admit it. I cannot stay on one emotion for more than a day. If given the chance to speak with her again there is just no way for me to explain the type of pain that she is putting me through.

 

Two days again my brother called me at 2 in the morning. He and his girlfriend of 2 years broke up. He is someone who hides his emotions. I was so surprised he even called me about it. I couldn't believe this was happening to both of us at the relative same time.

 

I went to that club again last night, the one with the girl I have a crush on. She wasn't there but through some eavesdropping I heard she has a boyfriend. There was another girl there that I was very attracted to, but there was nothing I could do. I didn't know how to approach her. I felt embarrassed just thinking about going up to talk to her. I haven't had this feeling in 4 years, the feeling of wanting someone but being afraid of rejection. I ended up sitting alone for a majority of it. It seems like everyone there already knew each other and I was an outsider. I left alone and had another panic attack while walking home. A lot of had to do with the fact that I know, despite how alone I feel, I am not ready for a relationship. I had to sit down and frantically called anyone who would listen. Thankfully I was able to talk it out of my system.

 

I miss her a lot. Something small but relevant happened today and I wish I could text her about it. I miss sharing small things to someone, someone who just knows absolutely everything about you. It's so hard knowing she still exists but I cannot talk to her, I know she is at work right now. Her job is less than a mile away from my apartment, she is that close to me at this moment. I hate how much I gave for the relationship and how it was all for nothing. It's making it so hard to let her go. I haven't seen her face to face in 3 weeks. I saw her from afar last week and even looking at her from that far hurt. I still love her so much. I hope I get better soon.

 

I really am trying to follow my own advice right now. I am trying to smile, it's just that some days that is easier than others.

[PositiveNegative]

Hey all,

 

Some back story. I am a senior at college right now. My ex and I met two years ago while we were both living in the dorms. During that year we made friends with different people, we pretty much had no mutual friends by the end of the year, I think that's a testament to how different we actually are.

 

Anyways, today I had lunch with two of the people who lived in the dorms with us. It was nice to reminisce about our times there. Yeah, it did get me a bit down thinking about my early relationship with my ex so I tried not to talk about her too much. The funny thing is I was never very good friends with them during our time there but I became more acquainted with them last year. The most interesting thing was during our discussion I realized just how much the three of us had changed in a mere two years. I mean we all have fundamentally matured in many aspects of our personalities and understandings of relationships and the future. We are virtually different people from our time in the dorms, we were such kids then, hell we still are kids. I think that was the greatest realization of the discussion today. I get along with them very well, we can have such amazing discussions that are actually meaningful and full of thought. I've never been very good friends with them per se but I have grown to realize that they both are on the same level as me emotionally and that is just someone you can't take for granted. The three of us all are smart and without a doubt I know that these people will see much success in their lives. I am honestly happy to say that I have met them and that they are a part of my life.

 

I've made my decision to leave this country when I graduate. It's something I have always wanted to do with my life but just never made a serious effort to do so. This decision was brought about mainly because of the break up. I had designed my future around her and made her the reason for it. I've learned how binding this thought process was, it was what I wanted but I am now better off without it. I am now single and my options are limitless. I will be gone for a year initially, but it's possible that I could be gone for much longer than that and in different countries as well. It's exciting, it's scary, but god damn I want to live with no regrets. It's still a while from now but I wonder if I will say goodbye to her. I most likely will, if anything I think I need to thank her. For this, for our life together, for everything.

 

The Family Man is on TV right now. It's a damn good movie, basically involves a guy becoming transported into what if scenario. He wakes up to find that he is now married to "the one that got away" and lives the life that he passed up. The movie ends with the guy waking up back in the real world and tracks this girl down because he realizes he wanted that life, it ends with them grabbing coffee.

 

If she had not left me I would not have made this decision to leave, but this is the path I'm taking now. Without her.

[PositiveNegative]

Everyday starts by opening your eyes. Today, I didn't want to do that. I laid awake with my eyes closed, I didn't want to face the reality again. Eventually I had to open them. Why are mornings so damn hard?

 

I dreamt about her last night. We reconciled again. We had make up sex. She was mine. Stupid subconscious...

 

I get much better over the course of the day. I feel ok right now and it's surprising considering the circumstances. I have pretty much played the part of a hermit today. I stayed in my apartment all day. I know, it's in no way healthy for me to do it but I did. I had plans to go to the gym but I didn't and I could have gone downtown tonight with a friend but I didn't. Just didn't feel like it. And you know what? I didn't cry, I didn't breakdown. Sure, I thought of her but I was not at any point overcome with a overwhelming sadness. I think this is incredible. A month ago I couldn't fathom staying at my apartment for an entire day and not cry, here I am doing just that and I am okay. I used to spend a lot of time alone even when I had a girlfriends, I admit, I am a bit of a introvert. This is indeed something that I need to work on.

 

I'm not saying that I have seen the last of those unbearable days but considering the circumstances of the day I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

[PositiveNegative]

Day 48.

 

Wow 48 days of being single already!? It's still a new and weird feeling...

 

Saw the ex yesterday while I was walking around campus. I quickly walked the other way. I turned around though and watched her walking a bit. I miss her a lot and just looking at her body shape made me miss her. Last night was the hardest night I've had in awhile. I couldn't sleep and when I did I dreamt of her coming back and always woke up sweating. Awful awful night.

 

Met up with a friend today who has some connections to my ex. He told me some stuff about her and her new guy, I probably shouldn't have but I did. My ex sounds like such a radically different person. I just don't understand how she has changed so quickly. I came home and let out a few tears. Not entirely a relapse but it's been a setback. Lately I've been really tempted to break NC. I'm a bit over 2 weeks now, but it gets so hard at times. I miss talking to her about all the littlest things in my life. I know I shouldn't but I have my weak moments where I feel like I will.

 

I hate this all. I know I am the only one who can make myself feel better. I am trying so hard to let her go and forgive her, I'm working on it step by step.

[PositiveNegative]

Day 62.

 

The 62nd day of my individual freedom since January of 2008.

 

I did the ill-advised. I broke NC by email. It was a bit lengthy but I kept it calm. Did no begging or "I still love you's". I honestly just couldn't stand it anymore, unfortunately I just missed her so much. I initially just wrote the email as a healing mechanism but I ended up really wanting to send it. So, I did. I DID NOT expect us to reconcile or anything like that because of the email. She sent one back and then I sent another back. I woke up this morning to her reply. I asked her how her life has changed and she briefly told me how her new boyfriend is really good for her and how he is teaching her a lot and pushing her to try new things. I wasn't asking for info on him but I get what I pay for, don't I?

 

It hurt to read that. It really does make yourself feel like nothing when someone leaves you and find a lot of satisfaction in someone else. It made me think about all the things I did wrong during the relationship and makes me wonder how this guy could be everything I wasn't already? She's only known/been with him for 2 months. In that time she could have definitely said that exact same things about me and all the things that I offered which seemed new to her. In this times she had already called me "perfect". It's the honeymoon period where you learn that stuff, where it just seems perfect, I remember it. It won't last forever, but I have no idea what the future holds, she could end up marrying this guy! She ended it saying to please keep in touch if I wanted to. She does want to have her cake and eat it even if she is doing it with good intentions. I need to go back to NC now.

 

Well, I'm not nearly as hurt as I could be which I think is good. In fact, I tried to just pull the trigger and cry again. I turned off all noise and sat there trying to cry. Couldn't. Doesn't mean I won't again though.

 

I realize what NC is for, I realize the point of it. The reality is that knowing and doing are very different things. Maybe I should have kept NC but I couldn't make myself do it. It's a bit of a set back but this is all a process, I'm learning. Maybe breaking NC was really just something I needed to do, to help myself heal. I don't regret it.

[Thieves]

I realize what NC is for, I realize the point of it. The reality is that knowing and doing are very different things. Maybe I should have kept NC but I couldn't make myself do it. It's a bit of a set back but this is all a process, I'm learning. Maybe breaking NC was really just something I needed to do, to help myself heal. I don't regret it.

 

Hey there. Sorry to intrude on your journal, but this particular thing you wrote resonated with me and I felt I should reply because, honestly, I've done the same thing. I broke NC by email halfway through when I was 8 months strong, and it was during a moment where I thought I had enough strength to deal with him replying. It was a casual email, nothing emotional. But still. A few days later with no reply from him (of course), I was so ashamed of what I did. I felt anxious, powerless, and yes... hurt. But I quickly got over it and wrote it off as a mistake that I won't make again, and now I don't regret it either. I'm glad I did it, since it was obviously something I felt I needed to do for some reason.

 

So, I think you're right that sometimes -- even if it doesn't seem the best for us at the time -- breaking NC can be the little "kick" we need to help us heal. Or to continue healing.

[PositiveNegative]

Thieves,

 

Please intrude at your will! I'm just really happy that someone actually read my post!

 

That must have really hurt to not hear from him. My ex has been relatively kind in her post BU responses and was there the one time I really needed to tell her something. I knew she would respond, but I know it would've really hurt to have not gotten any response. I believe I was ready for that but I won't ever really know now I guess. I admit it really did hurt to hear anything about her new guy.

 

I told her about how tough it was for me to break NC and that everyone would have advised me not to, she said this in her email:

"I completely understand that it was difficult for you to have contacted me, no matter what anyone had advised you, and I respect you a lot for that. I am sorry for the pain that I have put you through, because I do recognize that much of it was unnecessary and there would have been better ways for me to have gone about it or expressed myself. I know that you are still true to yourself and are still following your heart and I do understand as well that all of your family and friends do have the best intentions for you - but only you know what is best for yourself. I have always admired you for having the ability to follow your heart so closely and with such confidence. It is a wonderful trait - and don't let anyone convince you otherwise."

 

It's a nice passage. Following my heart had lead me to prematurely jump at emotions in the past. Saying I love you too soon, and saying I want you forever way too soon. She couldn't handle it. I'm learning though.

 

My heart is a strong one. Filled with a lot of love. I can't wait to find the person who has the capacity to take on what I have to offer.

[Thieves]

Thieves,

 

Please intrude at your will! I'm just really happy that someone actually read my post!

 

That must have really hurt to not hear from him. My ex has been relatively kind in her post BU responses and was there the one time I really needed to tell her something. I knew she would respond, but I know it would've really hurt to have not gotten any response. I believe I was ready for that but I won't ever really know now I guess. I admit it really did hurt to hear anything about her new guy.

 

I told her about how tough it was for me to break NC and that everyone would have advised me not to, she said this in her email:

"I completely understand that it was difficult for you to have contacted me, no matter what anyone had advised you, and I respect you a lot for that. I am sorry for the pain that I have put you through, because I do recognize that much of it was unnecessary and there would have been better ways for me to have gone about it or expressed myself. I know that you are still true to yourself and are still following your heart and I do understand as well that all of your family and friends do have the best intentions for you - but only you know what is best for yourself. I have always admired you for having the ability to follow your heart so closely and with such confidence. It is a wonderful trait - and don't let anyone convince you otherwise."

 

It's a nice passage. Following my heart had lead me to prematurely jump at emotions in the past. Saying I love you too soon, and saying I want you forever way too soon. She couldn't handle it. I'm learning though.

 

You know, it did hurt at first when I realized that he probably wasn't going to reply to my message. Hurt is actually quite the understatement, haha. I really did fall back a few steps in my healing process for a little while there, and for a minute thought I was thrown all the way back to square one. Thankfully, though, it ended up just being a minor setback. Now I know that maybe it was a good thing he didn't reply, because I'm not sure if I'd be where I am now if he had. It made me really come to terms with a few things within myself. But, wow. How lucky of you to have had your ex write that type of thing back to you! Seriously, it makes mine completely pale in comparison.

 

From what your ex wrote about you, you really seem like a good guy who is, like many of us here, just caught up in a bad fold. Funny though how it's so very easy to fall head first into something, but so much harder to climb your way back out.

 

My heart is a strong one. Filled with a lot of love. I can't wait to find the person who has the capacity to take on what I have to offer.

 

Aw... I'm not ashamed to admit that almost made heart "jump" a bit, haha. I can't wait either, and I hope it really will be worth it. It'd be nice to finally give your all and not feel afraid it won't be returned. I suppose that's the "good" part about love that's talked about so often and has got everyone all crazy, huh?

[PositiveNegative]

Ah! Don't compliment my ex! Haha...

 

Despite her crushing my heart she is deep down still a good person and even though I am angry that she rebounded I still know she cares for me (Platonic care of course).

 

This forum is full of the broken hearted and I have read stories about the ex saying goodbye and meaning it for good. Like you said, a lot of people here just got caught up in a bad fold. I made my mistakes I admit, but nothing warranting her leaving. I'll chalk that up to our youth and inexperience.

 

Thieves, read your thread about when you broke NC. Live and learn, right? I'm doing alright considering everything. From what I've experienced hearing from the ex is quite like an addicting drug. At day 0 of NC you tell yourself "Hell, just one more word in!". It was really hard for me to not reply to her recent email as she did ask to keep in touch, I mean did I reply but it was a very short email telling her to take care.

 

The heart grows in direct correlation to the wisdom of the mind I believe. We are smarter and when we are ready, we will love those who deserve it with absolute clarity.

 

Anyways, the emails are now deleted.

 

I do miss her still :/

[Thieves]

The heart grows in direct correlation to the wisdom of the mind I believe. We are smarter and when we are ready, we will love those who deserve it with absolute clarity.

 

So, so true...

[PositiveNegative]

Day 64.

 

I think about some of the things I wrote in my emails and wonder if it made me look weak or not, does it really matter though? I guess I just wonder what went through her head while she read it. Worst case scenario, she read that email after getting out of bed with the new guy... I think about how she asked me to keep in touch. Knowing her, she would never lay her neck on the line and try and reach out to me. I wonder what would happen if I could truly take on NC forever. I wonder if I would ever hear from her again. That really hurts to think about never seeing her again, but that's what has to happen, isn't it?

 

In class yesterday the pain crept back up like someone slowly opening a faucet. I was in public though so I quickly shut it out. She doesn't think about me like this. She doesn't miss me like this and get sad thinking about me. She has someone there for her, to kiss and to fall asleep with. She is practically living a whole new life with someone else. How lovely for her, right? So why the hell can't I just let go of it!? Why do I still think about her? Why do I miss her so much? She isn't worth this pain. She told me she would never leave me. She lied.

 

Halloween is coming up and it's her favorite holiday. This time last year she gave me 3 separate cards leading up to the day. The last one telling me about a dream she had. It was one of my favorite cards she ever gave me. I think about what she will be up to this weekend and I dread running into her.

 

The couple who practically saved me the day after she broke up with me by spending the day with me have themselves broken up. It made me pretty sad to hear. They seemed like they both have their share of relationships which usually makes for a better relationship, but they didn't last too long. I thought they were good together, but I guess youth's uncertainty strikes again. Girl dumped the guy after "checking out".

 

When will this miserableness stop?

[PositiveNegative]

So, for the first time in 2 years I am really truly drunk. The numbness I feel is actually much better than the pain I suffered because of her. I can't even really think straight. Why the hell do I still think about her? Why the hell do I still think she was perfect?

 

Who the hell am I am without her? I still don't know. In the meantime I am happy in the haze of the drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now.

[PositiveNegative]

Mood: :/

 

I had 3 separate dreams of her last night. In between them I woke up and spent the entire time thinking about her, it was like dream intermissions. I can't remember them all but I know one had me seeing her with the new guy. That hurt a lot. I hate knowing that someone has the one thing I want more than anything in the world right now. It's a bad way to think about it, I know. Every once in awhile I get an image of her marrying the new guy. 5 -7 years down the line I may hear about it and I wonder if, even after all that time, I will get upset about it. I imagined marrying her so many times and we always talked about our future together. There was this one time I made a crossword puzzle for her with stuff about our relationship as answers. One of the clues was "Your future last name". You can imagine what she wrote.

 

I was awoken with a phone call by my best friend who is debating getting back with his ex. They broke it off in March. It was a mutual break up. Eventually she got with another guy, then got dumped by him. She started to realize just how good of a guy my friend was and realized that leaving him was the biggest mistake of her life. We are now discussing what his next steps should be. Initially he told me that he would never want to go back with her but still wanted to hang out with her. I knew what direction this was heading in though. Today he calls and immediately tells me that he doesn't know what to do anymore and that his heart has been going back and forth about the whole thing. He is genuinely confused as to what action he should take. He really loved this girl and used to constantly tell me how she was the one. They moved in together prematurely and the relationship went downhill from there. Truthfully, I am in no position to give him any advice. He is happy being single and confident in himself, I am far and away from that point. I would like for him to be happy and it does sound like he is heading in the direction of reconciliation, but he knows he would be fine even if he didn't. Listening to him, I would love to be in that position.

 

I spent most of the day with my friend. She just broke up with her boyfriend of 6 months last week (yes, I am surrounded by people who have relationship issues!). It was a LDR and that on top of the boyfriend's lack of proper communication ended it. She is my ex's age but has been in a lot more substantial relationships than her. I was telling her about my ex's rebound situation and asked what she thought of it. My friend has a guy friend that she knows she could easily start dating. She won't though. She explained that she wouldn't put her ex in that kind of pain. I asked why she thought my ex rebounded knowing she would hurt me and my friend responded that she had done that in the past before. She said that she needed to make those kind of decisions in order to be in the mindset she is now about her situation. She continued saying that she thinks it's possible for her and her ex to get back someday if the circumstances play out right. Anyways, they are staying friends as they don't want each other out of their lives. She asked if I thought that my ex would come back someday. I said it's possible citing the amicable break up for the reason. It's something I think about constantly.

 

The other night my friends and I drove past her apartment. I saw her car there. How ridiculous is it that something so simple can make my heart race? As always, I miss her. I even miss the her that was my friend and not my lover. We were friends before we became us. I remember walking into the dormitory kitchen hoping she would be there and when she was she would always say "What's going on?" and be cooking food for someone, she never cooked for herself. Every time she answered one of my questions she would say "Yes, sir!". I never knew how much she liked me then. Her heart jumped every time she saw me... back then. I was a taken man then, but she still told her friends how she liked me. I don't know why she liked me as much as she did then. Maybe it was because she couldn't have me? Maybe it was the shear amount of interests we had in common? She waited 8 months for me, dated others but stayed single for a whole school year. 8 months. I was worth it... back then.

 

She used to change walking paths to class just to see me. I found that out after we started dating. How ironic now, that two years later, I change my walking paths to class just to avoid her.

 

Love dies hard.

[Thieves]

So, for the first time in 2 years I am really truly drunk. The numbness I feel is actually much better than the pain I suffered because of her. I can't even really think straight. Why the hell do I still think about her? Why the hell do I still think she was perfect?

 

Who the hell am I am without her? I still don't know. In the meantime I am happy in the haze of the drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now.

 

Hey again,

 

Was just visiting your journal and noticed that it seems you were going through a rough patch yesterday -- well, a bit "rougher" than usual. But I just wanted to say that I understand it's very hard what you're feeling right now, I truly do. I know how deep the pain can run that you just want some form of escape from it, or something, anything. And I know how easy it can be to turn to things like alcohol when the pain gets to be a little too much... even if by accident.

 

But please, not only for the sake of your physical health but your mental health too, be careful. I can understand the odd drunken night here and there, but try to keep an eye on things like that, alright? Look after yourself, honey. Sorry if it feels like I'm reacting to this too much, I just don't want you to fall into the same mistakes I was tempted to make in the beginning. If you're in a bad spot and really need someone to talk to, I'm always here.

[PositiveNegative]

Thieves, thanks for checking up on me.

 

Tonight I hit a major rough patch. I went out to another party tonight and her roommates were all there. I should have left right then and there but I didn't.

 

How funny. The day I dream about her having sex with her new guy I actually find out some gory details about her having sex with her new guy.

 

I casually approached the roommates, stupidly. Should have just left. I just started talking and eventually the subject of my ex came out. One of the roommates was drunk and said "I saw the guy come out of her bathroom butt naked!". Stab in the heart. It hurt like hell to hear that. Later on they tell me how they heard her having sex in the bathroom, twice. My God, I felt so sick and dead after hearing that. I was sitting down but I felt so numb and embarrassed. The roommates were saying how they never see her and were on my side of the situation stating how messed up with was that she could just leave me like that. They mentioned how she has changed and is almost a different person with this guy. They also said how she lied to them and told everyone that she broke up with me during the summer.

 

I half died tonight. I wanted so badly to call her out and tell her that I never wanted to speak with her again. My friend talked me out of it, saying that will only push her away and do no good. It's true, but it's so hard to fight those feelings at times. I'm so far in my healing process, it would be a shame to destroy that now. NC forever it seems. Thieves, unfortunately I think I am starting to regret those emails I sent to her. This is all a learning process as I have said before.

 

Thankfully I haven't cried tonight. I think I have done enough crying for her, she really doesn't deserve my time and energy. I'm sitting here alone but I am not tearing up thinking about it. I'm just trying to breathe and hopefully get some sleep tonight. Goodnight everyone.

[PositiveNegative]

After the events of the other night I find myself thinking about my ex in a completely different light. I take into account all of the things that her roommate said about her, I think about how my ex turned my back on her as a friend last year and I justified it, then she goes and turns her back on me just as easily.

 

The people at the party were ones that have known both of us for two years, they could only talk about how much she has changed. She is now friends with none of them and I can honestly only think of three actual friends that she now has at school.

 

Was I really that foolish to trust her as much as I did? I trusted an attractive girl with a very sexy body, was I stupid to do so? Was I stupid to take her words as complete truth? I think of ALL of the times that she told me about a guy. Everytime she did it was so CLEAR that these guys had an interest in her.

 

The guy at her work who asked her out and told her that she should be with a guy who liked the outdoors more (Not my thing, but is the new guy's thing). The guy who house she went to study math with who later texted her asking her to watch a movie while I was with her. The guys at the gym. The guy who asked her out who she found the most attractive in her speech class. Every single week some new guy would ask her out and you know what? I would take pride in that and think "Man, I got it good, I got such an amazing girlfriend!". Little did I know that every single one of these guys was denting away at our relationship until one day, someone finally broke through.

 

She would constantly tell me the type of guys she was attracted to, she mentioned she like tattoos and long hair, guys who could act like jerks.... everything I am not. I was insecure about this and whenever this was brought up I was always ask why then was she with me? I am nothing like the things she liked. She would always comfort me saying that I didn't need any of those things to be attractive to her, that I would always be the most attractive guy to her.

 

I just feel so stupid and betrayed for ever listening to her, for ever believing in her.

 

Who is this girl? Was that feeling she had for me actually love? Did I actually love her?

 

In this time it's starting to seem that the actions after the relationship how much more impact than the actions during.

 

"If somehow I didn't end up with you I would regret it for the rest of my life." - You know what S****? This may be the one thing you told me that won't end up being a lie.

[PositiveNegative]

I apologize in advance for the graphic nature of this entry.

 

I woke up around 5 am today to go to the bathroom, before that I lied in my bed and the first thing I thought about was the last time we ever spent as a couple. We were both naked and napping. I wanted to have sex with her but she didn't want to. That entire last week she had denied me sex saying her birth control was messing with her sex drive. So, we lied in her bed naked, didn't really nap much. After a bit, I decided to pleasure her. She didn't return the favor. I asked why and she just said that she didn't want to because her roommates were in the hallway outside which was true, but I don't understand why she would be very loud about that kind of thing! 2 months later she is having loud shower sex with her new boyfriend. Loud enough that her roommates heard it through closed doors. Wow, that hurts just to type it out. So much for discreteness, huh? I used my last moments with her to give her the most intimate of pleasures and she used her last moments to fall asleep, leave me naked, awake with my thoughts, and unsatisfied.

 

Thought I received nothing in return that night, I was oblivious to how badly she was planning to f*ck me the next day.

 

Who the hell is this new person?

 

Emotional Immaturity? Lack of Experience? Admit it S****, you just wanted a new dick.

[PositiveNegative]

The mornings don't present me with dread anymore. Even in the early hours I can get up and not have my mind surrounded by thoughts of her. I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting past the pain or becoming comfortable with it. It's a little over 2 months post BU now. In the beginning of this whole thing I just felt blinded, I didn't know what would happen to me. One of the best things that I have gained from all this is knowing the true value of people in my life. When my ex told me about her support system, the people who convinced her that her new relationship was the right thing to do, it consisted of 5 people. As a couple we really seemed to isolate ourselves. I didn't realize the value of other people. Today, I have about 30 or so people supporting me or can rely on right now to support me or hear me out. I cannot thank them enough, the beacons of light that are guiding me to shore. I truly never realized how lucky I am.

 

The lines are being drawn now it seems. Apparently she has been telling people that I was the one to dump her. I don't want to jump to any conclusions as I don't have complete evidence that she did indeed do this, but if she did then it looks like we are going to turn this whole thing into a toxic wasteland. I never wanted this to turn into Team Me vs. Team Ex, we used to have very many mutual friends or at least people who knew both of us. I have talked bad about her before, which I do regret somewhat, but most of the time people just hear my story and form the negative opinions about her themselves.

 

I ran into someone who knew both of us very well today. I know he saw her a lot last year. I haven't talked to him all year and he was unaware that my ex and I broke up and that she is now seeing someone else. He was shocked to say the least. He started to say that maybe this was a good thing for me and that she wasn't the person I thought she was. He hit the nail on the head right there. It feels good though, to reconnect with someone and make plans to catch up.

 

This weekend I made two new friends who I feel like I can get along with well. Spent a whole day getting to know one I didn't really before, have reconnected with one who seemed really eager to hang out with me again, and just ran into one who also wants to hang out with me again. My network is getting bigger, but maybe it was always this big? Maybe I've been blocking it off it whole time?

 

The value of people, it shouldn't be taken for granted.

 

...still no romantic interest though, that will be the true test of my progress when that occurs...