believe it or not do trust her, I just am suspicious...

[Poconobob]

Hello, I need advice....I married and have been a devout husband for 17 years and we have a 16 year old son. Overall, the marriage has been great for both of us except for the past 5 years after we had a car accident which left me with a brain injury and disabled due to that. The effect has been my ability to rationalize between things and to be able to not obsess on something I've determined to be wrong....When I obsess, I did this only once before on the topic of my wife's faithfulness. It started 4 yrs ago when I though she was losing weight and wore a mini skirt .... long story short, I was wrong back then and eventually she with the help of my Psychologist got the thought out of my head.

 

Now we fast fwd 4 years and this is the actual topic.....I was prescribed a strong narcotic for my pain and became depressed, angry, etc.....I then became either paranoid or "could be real".... what I mean is back in Nov...she began to lose weight, spend lots more time at her job, become friends with her boss, BUT never was absent from home except for working long(er) hours. In December, she was still losing weight and has lost 30 pounds and is now petite...Anyway, I was still on the morphine patches for pain and still reeled with a thought she was cheating or about to cheat. In all that, she had to take a trip out to California but didn't go with her boss but got lost in San Francisco and I'd said I'd beat her bosses ass if anything happened to her due to his forcing her to fly into San Francisco rather than Sacramento which was more expensive but a short, short drive to her destination. I said IF anything happened is the key....I threatened to call him and tell him so. Now remember I was in a car accident and was having a panic attack.

 

Now, it is Feb, she didn't tell me but planned a trip to Anapolis, md...she was going to go with her boss and DIDN'T TELL ME. I found out after it was too late and she was literally leaving work with him. In the past, she'd said he was good looking, married with a bunch of kids.....bla bla bla. So I called her cell phone after I'd called work to ask a question and a co-worker said "I think "THEY'VE" LEFT already"... I said who, she said Cathy(my wife) and her boss.. I called her cell phone and asked IF he was with her and she said no, and I continued to be pissed and got worse saying wtf, and saying just admit it.....all the while NEVER would admit he was in the car. I said you are not telling the truth!!! I ended up calling his wife and telling her they were traveling together, I found they had rooms side by side...

In her luggage which I had checked the night before which had me perplexed was two pair of lacy undies, WHITE high heels which she'd just purchased two weeks earlier and NOW REMEMBER, this is FEB and it is also SNOW....I thought white shoes with lace around the ankle was odd given her other attire was jeans and matching top....IMO, nothing matched the high heels. grrr....I was pissed, I became enraged over it, I told her so. A footnote, I've NEVER touched her, never hit her, nothing.....Anyway, she told me she was "over it" as in over my ****....

I called her hotel room at 4am and no answer......I called at 5am no answer so I had the hotel knock on her door......IMMEDIATELY after that, she answered the phone pissed off and said that she had not heard the phone but did hear the messages I left like WHERE ARE YOU, WHO ARE YOU WITH RIGHT NOW, etc......

When she came home, she was nice as pie......meek, but the next day, she called me wanting to know the person who gave me his home phone and I created a world of **** for her.

I went to the Dr. and yanked off the morphine patch and said I wanted off of them which I was told you can't just stop them as you are addicted. I did anyway and went through hell for two weeks as I wanted to be AWARE of my acuity. She told me during the following weekend she wanted a separation and perhaps a divorce that she couldn't stand it, etc. I said I don't believe in separation and I am going to CHANGE, get therapy and stop all pain meds and subsequently I went to Florida from here in Pennsylvania to see my old doctor who helped me before. I stayed there for 2 weeks and since then I've been an angel......I swear, a changed person as I realize in order to save my life, marriage, etc....I must change.

Now we're in the middle of March when I return.... She said it was GREAT and she didn't miss me. (who would miss someone who was obsessed).... I said to her we were both wrong, I never should have doubted you but you should have told me that you had to go with your boss. She said it didn't matter because no matter what, I would have been an a hole........which is somewhat true BUT it wouldn't have been so bad as not telling me!!!

Since then, she has been COLD, we've not slept together as in make love since the beginning of Feb.... She said she didn't think the marriage could recover and yet still I was told to check up on her to make sure she isn't cheating because it was possible....that was from my Mom and Dad whom I told the aforementioned story to. Anyway, occasionally she has come home with lacy undies which had spots as if she were excited. The clear dried shiny deposit....she was not on birth control, we used condoms. Her periods since Jan have been absolutely terrible....I mean bad. She is 38 and I know for a fact her moods were terrible and IMO possibly about to go through the change. Anyway, her underwear was changed whenever she wore lacy ones upon her coming home, and usually she'd work late as in 2 hrs past. She is a manager for health services in a HUGE plant which I cannot gain access to or know any of the goings on there.

I asked her the status of our marriage last month and she said whenever pissed and only said it twice, "I want a divorce"..... finally, she said it in person when pissed at our son and told me "he(our son) is just like me" and she can't take it anymore. I said fine, if you want a divorce, go get one.......

Later, she told me she cannot afford a divorce as in she doesn't want to go through the bullshXX of unwinding all this. Yet, she still would have "stains" which I don't know if it was from normal secretions or being hot. Yet still, kind of mean and she said she loves me but isn't in love with me right now. We used to make love and not at all anymore though she said she doesn't want another man to complicate things and I'm crazy for thinking it.

BTW, whenever she says she is going to work late, she has the specific type underwear on, has perfumed her private area which she doesn't need to because she is a clean girl......that has me mixed up too.

Now it is this month, same thing a TERRIBLE period, she has gone to get the "pill" and is now on birth control. She didn't hide the fact, said it was because her periods were so bad, she had to wear a tampon and a pad....bla bla.

 

Here is a question and also something I need advice on. First, since oh say the past month, other than her telling me off on the phone, we've gotten along like PERFECT, she admits it. Secondly, she started the pill two sundays ago, and on Friday, she phoned to say she would be late.....as in 7pm which normally would be 5:30-6:00 coming home. I have zero proof of an affair other than underwear which was this time stained with a white sticky substance. Do women secrete any type white substance??? I don't know but for one thing, she couldn't be reached from 5pm until 7pm. Her desk phone in the clinic had voice mail on....My son had tried to reach her and couldn't.

 

She acts as if ZERO is wrong at home and other than in fury saying she wants a divorce doesn't mention it anymore. I'm on meds that finally have helped me to see things clearly and not obsessively yet I feel somewhat either paranoid or cautious that she may be having an affair with "someone". I don't know what to do!!! I can say, she does not according to my doctor display the things people do when they are wanting a divorce.... As in, we have a new house of 1.5 yrs old, she wants me to have it landscaped, she bought a piece of furniture for the living room, says she wants to paint the den, says I need to get an aquarium started which used to be my hobby, and just Sunday(yesterday) she bought a bunch of tomato plants, bought a EXPENSIVE terrarium for the inside which she put flowers in, and wants me to get top soil for the property so we can establish a yard for next year. Another thing is her talking about us taking vacation in a few months.........NOW I'M CONFUSED, why would someone in being pissed do that? I call them mixed signals. I'm really confused, other than being that we don't make love, don't kiss, don't hug, don't do anything, we're BEST BUDDIES. She sleeps in the same bed with me, asks me to go here and there with me, calls me when I'm not home or at the gym, and basically acts as if everything is "cool"...

 

I know I made a mistake but she did also......so long as she isn't cheating on me, I can say I can try to continue to work on being a better person myself. My doctor said if I tell her "okay, go get a divorce" as I've done, she will be De-fused....which seemingly she is. She has told me she has not ever stood up to me and feels differently about her own security and I need not be co-dependent on her for my happiness YET, she has previously told me she isn't happy. Duh, so I'm supposed to make her happy yet she isn't supposed to make me happy???

 

Now about the pill, how long does it take to be able to have sex once you start???? So if someone started the pill on a Sunday, could they have unprotected sex on a Thursday or Friday and be "safe"???? It was a small spot....the only way to tell if it was white was scrape a fingernail across and it pulled up. I have to admit, I'm cautious that she might be now having sex with someone, is a secretion which is white ....possible???

 

Should I be concerned? Should I get a "checkmate"? Or should I just continue to try to make myself a better person.

 

As for me, I've again never cheated so I wouldn't know....I've never been advised to "check" underwear before as a friend suggested, and with the aforementioned WHY isn't she going through the emotions of divorce??? She is constantly wanting me to go with her, I mean constantly, except to work. By the way, if she closes her office door, she can have 100% privacy at work, also her company has 3 houses for executives and her boss, the HR mgr could gain access to the house IF this is the person. Or am I just making yet another paranoid thing into something which I shouldn't worry about. I do NOT let on like I know anything as I have no bonified proof.

 

I'm scared, I'm TRULY sorry for my actions yet she kinda started the very reason I'm paranoid. I've also got to say, to my knowledge, she hasn't lied to me before.....and I've not lied to her. She is in the best shape since we've been married, she perfumes down there which I didn't notice before but i guess ladies sometimes do....and as for me, I'm in the same shape less 20 pounds, I'm a body builder and am IMO good looking as I get hit on quite often and I always have literally ignored or blown off advances from women.

 

I take and have taken my vows VERY, VERY, VERY seriously, I don't believe in divorce, I don't believe that two people who still admit they love each other should divorce.....people fall in and out of love. I've seen that with other people who divorce that the grass isn't any greener on the other side. ESPECIALLY since we've been married almost 18 years. During that time, I used to make 140K per year and I put her through school as in 4yr degree in nursing, I helped her get this job she has by pushing her to "go for it" rather than stay in a hospital setting.....and I've always helped her as when she almost died from an infected mosquito YEARS ago, and I clean house, fix dinner, am always home, and short of a mistake we both made have been what most would call a perfect hubby.

 

I know if things don't work out, I'll have no trouble finding someone else BUT I don't want anyone else. I want to overcome ANY obstacle in this marriage and she says she is TRYING hard.....she told me so. Yet, she thinks sleeping together would give me a false signal so she wants not to give me any or kiss me.....

My one doc said she has fallen back to the stage where she is comfortable with me, she is happy just being roommates for the time being and for me to give it 6 months. Do the things I should be doing, continue my goal of being a body builder and lose more weight and a personal goal to try out for competition within a year. I used to body build and got the wife I wanted and quit....I had not truly dedicated myself but did work out but not with the goal of being in REALLY good shape. I have not told my wife I get hit on at the gym because I don't wanna add fuel to the fire yet, I'm lonely, really lonely.....but I can hold out IF I know she isn't cheating.

 

Thanks for reading this far...lol...

 

Any recommendations, please tell me what you'd do if you were in my shoes....

 

And another thing, I believe it or not do trust her, I just am suspicious....I know it doesn't make sense but I just want to know.

 

bob

[shamen]

Hi Bob, sorry to hear that things have been so weird at home with your wife. Whether or not she is having an affair would be hard to tell, obviously, on our end. We are receiving your end of things. Being suspicious that she is having an affair, as you've mentioned, doesn't mean that she is having one and you have no proof that she is.

 

I know that I've had to go away for business trips with members of the opposite sex. It doesn't mean that I ever cheated on my beau. Obviously we had our own rooms.

 

In regards to the pill's effectiveness, it takes about a month of using it to the letter to become effective.

 

Checking her undies? This seems a little obsessive. Are you seeing a counselor still? However, when women ovulate, there is a discharge (yes, sticky and whitish). This will go away when the pill becomes effective.

 

On the other hand, maybe it was just really hot that day or something.

 

The two of you should probably go to counseling together if you want to work it out. You still are obsessing over things that you probably shouldn't be. Does she still talk about wanting a divorce? It doesn't sound like she is. You may want to talk to her about seeing a counselor with you so you can feel comfortable in this relationship again. You may want to see one alone as well if you're not still seeing one.

 

Glad to hear that you got your meds changed! Sounds like that last batch was a mess!

 

And yes, paying attention to yourself is never a bad thing. Whether or not you are in a relationship.

 

PS... Paragraph breaks make the reading much easier.

[journey3]

First of all , YES women do secrete all different kinds of fluids, white, yellow, clear, shiny, sticky, & it takes 1 whole month to be safe on the pill with out using other protection. and, if your going as far as checking her underwear, thats not healthy & maybe you should get help or just get out. Good luck

[Poconobob]

I must edify my question, first I do ALL the laundry, so I spray/pretreat....fun huh.

 

It wasn't like I went through the hamper....oh no, no no...that thought is embarrassing as well as would be REALLY paranoid and weird. I've never obviously had this problem for 17 years and it was my NOT listening to my wife's advice not to take Duragesic a synthetic morphine for pain which has her so pissed....and I might add rightfully so. I've also since the initial post been given different meds as my brain scan of my injury shows that the portion of the brain injured is the part which "normal" brain activity for rationalization is scattered and I was given a med for that.

 

I'm sorry if I came off as some perv...wow in retrospect it does sound sick. However, again, I'm better, not clinging, and I've let go....per dr. advice to give her space and to allow her time to SEE change and not be told I've changed back to the good ole' bob she knew and loved. They say, time heals all....well, it is just it is soooooo hard not to be a part of her life.

 

I must also edify something else, I DO trust her, I truly do realize that now. She'd never ever lied to me before or not told me of things like the trip she had to take......and at the root of it all was a decision I MADE to take a drug prescribed by a FORMER doctor who never should have given it in the first place. Reason being, patients who have had a brain injury should never be placed on Duragesic, it states that right on their label. Secondly, the med was recalled during that episode where I flew off the handle....yep, the damn patches leaked extra meds and coupled with flawed thinking, I irrationally thought the obvious. It is the obvious I need to continue to NOT think was real, think on the contrary that she did it because I was so screwed up. You do know that I stopped them immediately following the trip she took and even now I feel a physical addiction which leaves me with not a craving but more of an empty feeling where the morphine clouded each day and let me make it though tough times. I now have to hold fast to reality that I'm not going to "change" her, I must allow her to see I'm whole again, to not be as she said, UP her ass all the time. There was only so much a person could take of someone else saying constantly I'm sorry, I'm this, I'm that....well, let me tell you, I've got to grasp hold of myself and have done so and now it is time to reflect and work on making myself a better person ..... Perhaps it won't work out but I will make it... It isn't as if I wouldn't be okay as a single guy as I'm educated and above average in looks...it is I DON'T want to start over, I truly love her. I guess there is another saying...but I can't remember it....Something like if you love someone let them go, if they love ya, they'll come back. I don't know, can't remember....but anyway, I'm sorry if I came off as SO SO SO SO SO paranoid that I yanked each days undies out and checked.... I just was online and had typed in a search engine which lead me here and I saw some product called checkmate...then I thought of the spots since going on the pill and irrationalized thinking lead me to post incorrectly.

 

bob

[shamen]

Bob, I'm so glad to hear that you're doing better! It sounds that way too.

 

Don't worry about your old post too much; I for one could tell that it obviously had something to do with the meds. I'm glad that the meds thing has really worked itself out. I'm sorry that you have to go through withdrawals from the old meds; not a good thing to go through.

 

Oh, the saying that you're looking for... It reminds me immediately of a song by Sting, "If you love somebody set them free." It's a wonderful song.

 

Good luck with your new outlook on life and your wife! I hope that it all works out and that posting here helped some. It's always good to get it out of your system.

[soserious1]

Cliff notes version?

 

You're checking the status of the woman's underwear secretions on a daily basis.I'd say she can't afford to NOT divorce you.

[Poconobob]

How can I put this eloquently......for the 2nd time, I'm NOT checking...I noted an odd secretion since she started the pill when I was doing laundry. FYI, we have a shoot which laundry goes into and I throw clothes in DAILY since we have a septic system it is best not to do tons and tons of laundry once or twice weeksly.

 

They say it isn't what you say, it is how you say it! Sure I was disturbed by it, THAT is why I asked....Had I been seriously checking constantly, my god I would have asked MONTHS ago.

 

Bottom line is I trust her and though feeling hurt wanted to know and all I'm getting here short of a couple with empathy is people thinking I DAILY yank 'em out for a check.....sheesh, I would agree, who would do that!

 

bob

[shamen]

Sorry that you had a bad reaction to your post Bob. It happens to all of us. The first time someone said something mean to me in a post (right when I first joined), it made me feel really bad and I thought about not continuing to post here. I hope that you don't feel that way!

 

This has been a great place for me to come and feel a part of something during a bad part of my life. Yes, I have tons of friends, but I kind of feel like I can't talk to them about this break up too much right now.

 

When we rant, sometimes things don't come out properly. I guess that's why soserious (and I at first) were so concerned about the undies thing. You have to admit that you didn't say that you were the laundry guy in your initial post.

 

How are things going with your wife? Counseling together? Talking? What's up? That's what's really important here.

[Poconobob]

Well here goes....

 

We "had" a misunderstanding a couple weeks ago; I'm NOT supposed to call her work per my doctor unless it is an emergency, anyway, I got a call from her stating she'd be late (courtesy call)....she had not spoken to our son yet and I simply said, "will you be at your desk in the event Bryan(16yr old) wants to call"...OY it pissed her evidently. In the conversation she told us to go ahead and eat dinner......well, we decided not to cook steaks as previously planned and I was going for subs. This was 20 min later, I called as a courtesy to ask if she wanted one.....KERPOW...she flies home, crying, upset, pissed....saying I was checking up on her. I told her I felt as if I were walking on egg shells constantly not knowing what the heck would happen with ANYTHING I say. She said I told you I want a divorce.....you won't listen. I said fine, go get your divorce.....NEXT day, I was working on the property outside and she came out. She said did I think about what we'd talked about, I replied yes...and said again, it is up to you, if you want one, go get one....

Later on, she and I went together to get a soft serve ice cream, NOW, light switch changed to ON, she was different, she said I don't think a divorce is proper just now, how about a separation......I said ya, fine, you move out. I'm staying put....Then I said I don't believe in separations as I don't believe in dating other people while married. SHE SAID WHO SAID YOU DATE OTHERS.....I replied, well when you are separated, you do that, everyone does.....and my belief structure is that I don't believe in separation.

Well she said we're not everyone and NO DON'T DATE, just separate for a couple months and try that. Next day she got the paper and went to work......

Came home, said she cannot do that because she'd have to sign a lease, phone, water, cable, etc....and it would be easier if I left as I'm disabled and she is working....and that I could spend a couple weeks with her mom, then a couple weeks with grandparents, then couple weeks at my parents.

Upon my parents hearing this, they said DON'T GO anywhere, you could come back to having the locks changed, etc....restraining order, etc...which by the way I dont' think she'd do but nonetheless, she said that and I said NO to leaving.

 

Since then, we've been "back" to buddies again, we sleep in the same bed, I cook, clean, etc.....she comes home from work, we go out together and she has made NOT ONE MENTION of anything......so light switch ON. I refer to her as a light switch because one moment she is "normal" laughing, happy, and other times at a little thing like the aformentioned text, she explodes. It is ONLY when she is pushed in her mind that she does/acts/says DIVORCE/SEPARATION.....otherwise she is 100% normal except for the fact we don't kiss or don't sleep together .. so to speak.

 

Today, she is leaving to go visit her mom until Wednesday next week for a short vacation.....

 

People have said she may be going through the change or beginning and it was just bad timing to have a relationship problem on top of it. I'm not the only one she is snapping on, she is snapping on our son, tells me of outbursts she has at work, and even her mother says she is acting oddly as far as emotions.

 

It could be just she is confused; it could be she wants a divorce but something inside won't let her; it could be MANY things. However, I don't think it is another man at this point......

 

So panel of experts and helpful people, WHAT IS GOING ON??? I'll tell you what my doctor said, he told me when she gets like that to ignore it and acknowledge her feelings positively and don't correct her and tell her she is wrong, allow her to vent, allow her to speak without interrrupting her and most of all, BE MYSELF, the person she married. The person she has always counted on and be there for her emotional support.....pretend you are just roommates and best friends.

 

Also, he has said, give this 6 months OR MORE......that is IF I can handle it. I so much want to touch her and try to ask to make love but I'm told each time I do that it will push her away.

 

I was given an example of our relationship: It is like as if I were outside on the deck and saw this kitty cat stray, I want the kitty to come over yet every time I attempt to go towards it, it runs.....but when I sit, slowly the kitty comes to me and IF I reach to it, it will run again and again until I allow sufficient time for the cat to come to me trustingly.

 

As for me, I'm 3 months back into what I used to do, body build, I used to be a body builder, VERY good shape, clean cut, true type A person, cocky and ready to take on the world.......I declined over the course of a year plus with the pain and stopped all that, became depressed, overweight, and introverted. I'm now 25 pounds lighter with 15 to go to be able to compete in body building competition BUT I've lost quite a bit of definition. I'm kinda suprised at how quickly I have recovered my losses. I'm also back to clean cut.....I'd gotten to the point SHE was cutting my hair with a razor as I would'nt go get a haircut ..... just another example of my degredation.

 

Well, gotta go take our son to school.....

 

bob

[shamen]

All of the stuff that the doctor is telling you sounds awesome! Try to be there for her and be supportive, and keep listening to the doctor. Yeah, it sucks that she's going through some things right now too, but it sounds like she's confused too.

 

Are the two of you going to marriage counseling together? Maybe she's not ready for it yet? Sounds like a short vacation for her might be good for the both of you (a little time off isn't so bad to cool out).

 

I'm glad that you're getting back into "your thing." This can only be good for you and your self esteem, and eventually for her as well. It shows that you're starting to get ready as well to really be there for her and that you can validate yourself again. I realize that you couldn't really be who you wanted to be; that must have been hard.

 

Switching around meds can be very confusing. I have a good friend who's been really up and down due to that for a year and a half now.

[Poconobob]

Thanks for your reply.....I do appreciate the support. Right now she is over in Ohio visiting her mother and oddly enough asked me to take inventory of the Thai spices, and see how many packets of Cincinnati Chili mix we have, etc.... Now see this doesn't sound like someone who is wanting a divorce does it? One week she is perfect, the next confused...OY I'm confused. I mean this is just one example, there are many, on a scale, there are tons of examples of her not wanting a divorce....i.e., she bought an expensive atrium for the Great Room....she is after me to setup and finish off our aquarium which I've literally put together and not put water in for a YEAR because I just couldn't muster the energy or motivation!

 

I want to go off my topic and talk to you about your friend.....They should NOT be up and down for a year. Often a "tweak" needs done within a year as you progress but not totally up and down all the time. I'd highly recommend they have a Neuro Psyc Test done to inexpensively try to find what area of the brain is not working properly. It seems one of the big problems with meds of this type is so WIDE and VARIED that you could be on the wrong med easily. This is especially true on a hard patient to medicate.

 

I was a prime example years ago after our car accident in '97 I went around in a fog not even knowing I had a brain injury, I thought the headaches and stuff all came from my jaw pain and neck/back pain. It was only after I was disabled that I was placed on psyc meds......and many, many different ones. Zoloft was one which I've heard has a good broad based "fix" for those with ups and downs....and for me, it caused sexual side effects and I was switched.

 

Anyway, place hope in your friend and see if they can get tested....I had a Neuro Psyc Test and actually found nothing wrong because the injury I had affected the ability to rationalize which does not show up except for the small part of the test on reasoning. Small doses of an SSRI were prescribed then elevated to 300mg per day...it was Effexor, Xanax, and that was all it took. Once I moved away from my AWESOME doctors, I was switched like a train in a rail yard....all I needed was a tweak and some idiot doctor changed them for 21 days at a time. It was then that I was placed on pain patches and I ended up in the pickle. I went BACK to Florida, saw my old doctor who put his hands on his head and yelled and yelled at me over what I'd done. He ordered an MRI of the brain....then the diagnosis following put me back on Effexor XR 300mg, the addition of Zyprexa 2.5mg per day X 2, and upped the Xanax to 4 times a day. They allowed Zyprexa in the script up to 4X per day and said whenever I feel compelled to obsess take another. It worked for sure, I went out like a light ZZZZZZazzzzzz. So now I'm taking two per day, sleeping well, and actually able to rationalize enough to do all the bills, keep house better, be VERY pro-active in exercise and feel like I did ....

 

All I have to deal with now is the fallout of the things I did......though touchy I'm still dealing with it.

 

Shamen, I do care, hence the post which I want you to give to your friend....perhaps even refer them to brain communities.org which is a branch of Harvard, many other people who need support and help with meds go there. This site covers everything and anything brain related from addiction to depression to even advice from experts.

 

One last thing, look up for your friend Cognitive thinking....this is paramount in allowing meds to work because without the proper channeling of thought, the meds aren't able to work. A med alone will not work......no way no how.

 

Hope this helps....

 

bob

[shamen]

Bob, Thanks for the post on my friend! (See, you're obviously getting better to be able to give advice to other people!)

 

He had been on meds for depression. He finally decided to get off of them completely due to finances and his fear that some of them supposedly make one more prone to suicidal thoughts. At first I was really surprised and worried that he did this, but he seems OK. I've definitely been on the look out and will continue to be, to make sure that he's OK.

 

He's continuing with counseling though. Finances can get in the way of people's mental well being. It's a sad part of our society.

 

Oh, and I'm glad that she asked you to check out the spices! How homey! Spices are a part of home to me, as they are part of food, which is best shared together. It's just a little thing, but little things can mean a lot. Trite, I know, but true.

[Poconobob]

There is a way to get meds.......Every manufacturer offers either discounted or free meds...You contact the individual manufacturer and based on income determine whether or not you are eligible. There is also the known fact Canada has much lower prices though I never personally looked into it, I thankfully have insurance.

 

As for thoughts of killing one's self, definitely, definitely he was on the wrong med.......So IF those thoughts during depression worsened the person's outlook, it was probably something like Prozac and Zyprexa.... He most likely needs a "seratonin" type med...and for improper thoughts, many, many drugs are out there which straighten clarity like for example Zyprexa. It is used to help clarify thought, for helping relieve obsessive thought and bi-polar(but not necessarily FOR and only for bi-polar people).

 

Is he on pain meds? And one more question.....IF a doctor had him on meds and went hog wild switching constantly, it can cause those thoughts...especially if one is depressed.

 

Here is an example: I was on Effexor XR and Xanax and one I forget which made me angry or so I thought, and morphine aka duragesic opioid...anyway, I went to the doctor telling him about my anger, depression, hallucinations and he took me off Effexor XR which he never should have first off because it should never be stopped as there are withdrawals... Anyway, again, he changed the med to a totally different class. All the while not touching the heart of the problem, the patches. And by the way, during that time, I hallucinated on the morphine because they were leaking which not even the a hole company knew at the time..... I worsened, had thoughts of killing myself, acted outwardly stupid...the answer the doc gave was "take another pill" which only increased the ill effect.

Long story short, it was a hallucination or so I think which caused the episode with my verbal assault on my wife for not telling me she had to take a trip with the boss AND also whereby adding to the fire.

Realizing MYSELF that it had to be the patches and not other meds, I went in and told the doc I'm yanking off this f'n patch. OH NO he said you cannot cold turkey stop as you'll be like an addict without their fix. Totally against doctors orders I made him put me back on what I was on when he met me and I said the patch comes off, like it or not. He swore I couldn't NOT put one on and instead suggested I taper off over months.......KNOWING I made a historic mistake in my relationship, I said NOPE, take me off or else ... He patted me on the back and said okay but you are going to go through hell and personally he said I should go check myself into a hospital. I told my wife about being put into a hospital and she said the local one's suck.....and I should go to Florida and get help as well as see my old psychologist to deal with "this chapter" of my life as she was saying she is "over it"...over it all, over me, over my ****, over my pain, over living like that. Mind you, all the while during that period I was so so so so sick, puking, jerking uncontrollably, not able to sit, unable to use the bathroom or not able to leave the bathroom(off and on), shaking, cold feet/hands, couldn't eat, blurred vision....and compounding it was I YEARNED to be outside in the sun and I'm told that is typical (go figure)....it was typical to want to feel the sun when you are having withdrawals oddly...trouble was, it was -2F here and snow.

 

To this day, I'll NEVER touch a pain med stronger than a ibuprophen no matter how bad it gets, at least I'm aware, alive, in control.

 

Well enough of my pity poo on me.

 

Oh, one more thing......CAN YOU GET HIM TO EXERCISE? I mean it, it truly works! Even if it is walking the mall each day or going to the spa/gym. It seems I've found a dual cure...I feel better about myself now that I'm body building again and the euphoria of the natural high helps. There isn't anything I can say helps me more than getting out of the house and exercising. Where the dual cure comes in is when I'm down and all, I force myself to go and it is so hard sometimes to get started at the gym. I've found myself all changed and ready to workout and just had no energy, pounding headache/backache.....then I think what feeling I have afterward and then slowly get into the groove.

 

I know the post is scattered but I wanted to get the point across that he can do better, feel better, and look better.

 

Thanks for the reply on spices..... she called yesterday to see how I was doing and to remind do the "honey-do's"....

 

bob

[shamen]

Thanks for all of the info! I'll pass it on to him. No, he was never on any pain meds that I'm aware of. I think he was on Prozac or Zoloft.

 

You know what? He is going to the gym! This has definitely seemed to help him out. He seems a lot more sane these days than he did a year ago, even while on the meds. He's also lost a bunch of weight (which he gained while on the meds) and has more definition than I've ever seen him with. As I said, I'll definitely also continue to keep a look out.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through that withdrawal. Sounds terrible!

 

Glad to hear that your wife sent you a honey do. That's awesome!

[Poconobob]

Just a quickie....I promise, lol.

 

My original and again current doc HATES Prozac for a host of reasons....too many to recall.

I'm elated to hear of his going to the gym, and with support like in most things, people recover well. If he was acting "nuts" before, it is quite likely he was on the wrong med or meds...a very good SSRI does wonders, especially for those who have had luck exercising as the SSRI in one aspect mimics the euphoria of exercise.

 

Ya, I did the honey do list....she called twice today to "just see what I was up to" and said she'd call me at bed time. I'm just so hard felt to find positives, perhaps false positives but nonetheless positives. I just have such a time accepting that it is all over...or not. I think not knowing is hard to deal with but then again, the thought of being alone without her in my life....well, honestly I don't know what I'd do. Certainly nothing stupid just I'd be heartbroken far far far worse than I am now.

 

bob

[jmargel]

Bob,

 

When she comes back, ask her if she is willing to goto Marriage counciling with you. Both of you have issues you need to deal with.

[Poconobob]

Originally posted by jmargel

Bob,

 

When she comes back, ask her if she is willing to goto Marriage counciling with you. Both of you have issues you need to deal with.

 

I've asked before about counciling and got a defininite NO; my Pcychologist waaay down in Florida had counciled "us" together to correct ME and only my problems to the extent she would come in and basically "run the bus" (tell all bad things) I did. That was years ago.....Since then I'd picked up with the same Psychologist because I've literally gone through about 7 doctors here as we're in the boonies and a good doc is hard to find. Anyway, once she'd agreed to go; do note this was before Feb....and the address was wrong and we never ended up seeing him. After that, she drifted further away with my hallucinations from my meds...After that, she met once while we were in Florida with my Psychologist. She'd said she was trying but didn't know if it would work out...that was back oh about April 10th.

 

Since then, with all the ups and downs she won't go, won't do anything except rationalize in her own mind. Being that I get treatment on the phone from my doc in florida, it is kinda hard to have a session. He has told her that he is only a phone call away, or even an email away. To my knowledge he has not had contact with her, just me.

 

I personally think, and my doctor kind of has round about said it.....that she is confused, hurt yet loves me and is having a hell of a time detaching; that she wants to detach, wants to be divorced yet cannot bring herself to do so. Obviously her lifestyle as she said would be changed drastically.....We just a couple years back built our dream house, we've got new kinda expensive cars, and together have made a nice home and she is REALLY having trouble with the harsh reality that all that will change. THAT is the root of where we've been stuck... Any thoughts????

 

I could use some advice on this, I have been told " I love you" by her....she called me often while on her trip and said she missed home. In some fashion she is still "here" i.e., buying and planting a garden, amongst other things, we don't fight but 1/100th of the time. She still is sleeping in our bed, not searching the "want ads" for a place to move, not separating the check book, not even after all this, no "active" search for divorce. As I put in a post before, the only time we argue was, note I say was....was when the topic of divorce came up which finally I gave in and said "ok, you want one, go get one".....almost immediately, she changed divorce to separation for a couple months...to that I said OKAY, then go get a place. She came back with an excuse that she would have to sign a lease and what should be done is I LEAVE for a couple weeks at a time and visit various relatives.

 

With that last sentence, I was "advised" by my parents NOT to leave as she could file for separation while i was gone and "hold the house" to where I would have to get a place to stay. I don't believe she would be so dastardly but who knows....?

 

Confused yet? So am I .... My doctor after telling him the part about her not wanting to leave and sign a lease and I should leave as I am disabled and not working yet have "income".....to that he said tell her NO, that I'm not leaving which I did. And from that moment on and it has been 2 plus weeks thereabouts, nothing....nothing except she is constantly finding me in the house, asking me if I wanna do this or that. I can't even lay on the sofa in the den and read for any length of time when she is home, she will come up with some reason to have me be with her. Examples, "wanna go get an ice cream, wanna watch a movie, wanna go with me shopping, wanna go for a walk, wanna come watch The Soprano's, etc......ON AND ON. This coming from someone who said she wanted SPACE...so I gave her space by completely being in another end of the house or working outside on our acreage, or simply reading a good book.

 

I know it drives her nuts that ALL those flaws she had found, i.e., obsessing, "being up her ass"--so to speak, being nasty, being on legal morphine, complaining about pain, not caring for myself, not caring a bunch for others, being boisterous(sp?)......not cooking, not stopping spending on want items instead of just need, NOR any of the things she said were flaws/problems/things I would never stop.

Well, damn it I did stop, it was SO hard but over the course of months, I've changed for the better. Using positive thinking, a thing called Cognitive Thinking, proper medication, exercising, losing weight, RE-connecting with friends, having a positive outlook on life, being a gentleman, cooking, cleaning(and I mean cleaning), and NOT giving in to mixed emotions LEAVES HER with nothing to gripe about. I've given in to her requests, which then took away her fuel, I now don't once again do the aformentioned, and I smile!

 

HELP, any thoughts??? I could use any advice....

 

bob

[jmargel]

Have you told her all these things you just said in your last post? All of which you changed about yourself? If she's been wanting to spend more time with you, good chance she's picked up on that. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact that's good. All those signs she is showing are positive. Now since you did everything you can (btw, still keep doing them) to change your bad habits, etc.. Now you have to ask yourself what would you like changed about her?

[Poconobob]

Originally posted by jmargel

Have you told her all these things you just said in your last post? All of which you changed about yourself? If she's been wanting to spend more time with you, good chance she's picked up on that. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact that's good. All those signs she is showing are positive. Now since you did everything you can (btw, still keep doing them) to change your bad habits, etc.. Now you have to ask yourself what would you like changed about her?

 

I was told NOT to throw things up like "I've changed" because it is easy to say but when someone is on the offensive, you simply cannot specify the changes, you must instead show by way of actions. I'd love to do that, when I did prior to being told how that puts her on the defensive, I stopped and believe it or not, it shows positively. She had the perception like this example: Say you constantly say "but honey, I love you".....in essence when the other side is upset and saying it may not work out, you are saying, I'm weak, I'm unable to go on, and you should change your mindset as I'm not listening to your feelings and instead wanting you to emotionally accept mine. Hope that makes sense.... My doc said LET IT ALL GO, work on yourself, above all be happy even in the face of unhappiness, be yourself, be kind and give her space. Oh, also I'm not allowed by the doctor's orders to not call her at work as it is leaving the perception I'm again "checking" up on her.

 

She has picked up on the changes, however, she is LOOKING for negatives and I feel as though I'm somehow constantly having to choose my words fore whenever I make an honest mistake(we all make mistakes) but when I do say something that can be taken "negative", all the ill feelings come back and I'm back at square one.

 

I was taught by this example; Imagine a kitty cat outside which is a shy, stray.....everytime I motion for it to come over, it does not, everytime I sit down and be patient, the kitty comes closer, eventually out of frustration, MY DESIRES have me stand up and walk, immediately the kitty runs back away.....but eventually with patients and not acting on my feelings the kitty begins to come closer and closer.

 

You posed a difficult question on saying what I'd like HER to change.....difficult because I'm only supposed to work on my problems as I cannot "change" hers. I can only try to adopt her feelings, adapt to her for the time being as she is the one "wanting" change. However, I'd like her not to work the long hours, she took a management position and is now caught up in corporate america. She over the past 17 years was either working a 40 hr week, going full time to college, and for the past 6 or so years worked 3 days X 12 hr shifts until the past year which with leaving the hospital setting, being both an Occupational RN and also Health Svcs. mgr comes often long hours, weekend work OFTEN, and for all accounts a VERY stress filled environment. It was this...the long hours which along with being improperly medicated AND having a brain injury which conjured up what I can now only believe as a hallucination.....

 

Anyway, I'd like her to take an interest in our son more as he feels mom is being just that, mom, not a friend....he has contributed to the problems as he complains and constantly wedges himself in between us. I tell him, it isn't your fault, WE have issues to deal with, we have things to work out and it isn't your fault and stop taking sides as it only makes things worse. Meanwhile, I've gotten him to stop playing that role.....almost a parental role, it would piss us both off BUT yet another example nonetheless where I got blamed. Yep, I got blamed for his actions....as if to say he is "just like me". argggg So anyway, I'd like her to also be more understanding that I have troubles with a brain injury whereas she says, "why should I have to live my life this way because you were hurt I must suffer the rest of my life".....IMO, ya she should because IF it were reversed I want to say I wouldn't abandon her......BUT AGAIN, that is an emotion and I'm not supposed to act on emotion but instead show by action, etc.

 

Who she married isn't as much the same person I am now.....when we married I worked my way up to making a very high salary before the injury/car accident and it is tough being a type A personality locked within a person who has some troubles rationalizing. It is the lack of being able to rationalize in the first place which is why I cannot work along with jaw, neck, back pain and headaches that are unimaginable.

 

Thanks for your help......

 

bob

[jmargel]

In my opinion you have every right for her to change the way she is being. From your post she is being very selfish at times. Sounds like you are walking on eggshells. That's no way to live in a relationship. That just causes alot of insecurity. Sounds with her work she is under alot of stress as well, perhaps that is a cause of alot.

 

Both of you need to make changes for you to successfully continue. You can't change everything in the world to suit her. She needs to realize this. Her saying 'She shouldn't have to suffer because of your accident' is beyond cruel. I don't know if I would want to be with someone with that attitude. She needs to soften up some. My fiancee is the same way. She was very controlling when she moved in and just started changing. Going to a councilor made her realize that her anger & controlling ways is a defensive mechanism she has from her childhood days (she was neglected alot). Of course I was trying to solve her problem which I couldn't. Me trying to be 'caring' and piling more affection onto her was just pushing her away. My councilor told me to just back away. Not to hug or kiss her or tell her the 'I love yous'. Within a day she was coming back to me. I also had to learn (and still learning) to toughen up some. That alot of the things women say are just little outburst of anger (to me that immaturity, but oh well) and that I shouldnt take it all to heart. She was then told though she really needs to think before she speaks. We go every week and it's helped out alot. We had four sessions and my fiancee is finally starting to talk to her about her past.

 

Anyway, didn't want to get off topic but what I'm trying to point out is that both of you need to make changes in order for this to work. Don't carry the world on your shoulders. You shouldn't have to live day-to-day on whether she loves you or wants a divorce. I would guess that if she showed you more affection and more security, your 'wanting' to call her work would disapate.

 

Your son probably was acting like a parent because the both of you weren't. I feel bad for him, since he is experiencing all of this. Money isn't everything in life, the more people want things the more they work. The more they work the less time they have to enjoy others & the things they have. Sounds like she really needs to spend quality time with her son & you.

[Poconobob]

All I can say is wow, you are right on the mark! I couldn't have put it better myself...

 

Now you've got an idea of the situation... My folks say to be wary that I'm not being taken for a ride until she is financially secure enough BUT I can tell you that she won't be. So that starts the paranoia...which leads to more insecurity.

 

It has been tough, I cannot worry myself to death over her....

That is why my doctor said to make myself a better person and STOP trying to play psychologist on what she is thinking or not thinking. She has said TERRIBLE things, mostly only when angry but I kind of think she was hurt by what I did when I was "under the influence" and being that she was hurt, she is over it.....wants out......but now is so confused because she never thought I'd change and I did. I was adopted by my dad, my mom is the natural parent, my dad to all his son's has been mean, mean, mean.....calling his kids a screw up, verbal abuse and still is to a degree that way. One of my brothers was an addict and ended up overdosing...My other brother lives all the way in Thailand!! On her side, she has 4 brothers, 3 of them have been married OFF AND ON for literally 3 times or more, only us and her eldest brother have had one marriage.

 

My mother thinks she is going through the change early and the marriage is suffering from 3 problems; what I did to majorly embarrass her, a female change, and job stress...well, make that 4, because she said she has not been happy for years YET, she moved with me, we built the house that we've always dreamed of and on and on....

 

HOW do I get her to go to counceling??? I guess I could again ask my doctor who has helped me with this chapter of my life to call her?? By the way, my doctor told me to give it 6 months, that 6 month mark began 2 months ago so I have 4 more months to wait it out. Cathy(my wife) has said one of the big things she is having problems with is lifestyle change if we divorce. THAT pissed me off....see, she knows she won't get half because my money is partly from a settlement, my father is worth 15 million, and all she'd have is what she earns.

 

I just don't know what to do, why you ask.....well, because IF we divorce, I want to move back to Florida BUT I have an obligation to a 16 year old who will graduate h.s. next Spring therefore I want to be here for his last year. He wants to be with Dad if things go down the tubes, not her..... Though I have noticed a change in her now that she is on the pill, I still think she is on the fence and I cannot stand it being "her" decision for my future yet I want to work it out for a couple reasons, our son for one, and for the other, I love her still.

 

Just how the heck do you deal with all this, wait it out or not, get her to counceling and dig through the mess. I've found divorce isn't easy, there are issues of who gets what bill.....etc. I know I get all the funds from the sale of the house if it came to that.

 

Now you have a good picture of my problem(s)....what a pickle. And I do blame myself for a lot of it. I was controlling but it needs to be said, she is nieve to the ways of the world, she hasn't had to even fill her fuel tank, nothing for 17 years....overall, I controlled by asking where she was going, when she was gonna be home, and things like that. I never EVER touched her, never constantly yelled.....just I guess treated her as a protector.

 

I'm getting pretty deep here, I hope I'm not digging too deep for ya to keep up....I have to go make HER a delicious dinner, lol...

 

bob

[jmargel]

If you take a step back you might notice you've been acting more like a father to her than a husband. Providing for her every need, yet keeping tabs on her. Maybe what she wants in a relationship is not necessarily for you to do everything for her, but to be there for her emotionally and to trust her. When one partner doesn't feel like the other is trusting them, they feel degraded. It's like you are calling her guilty for a crime you don't know was even committed.

 

My suggestion about trying to get her to goto counciling would be to say to her that your doctor has brought it up, so that the two of you can work on certain issues together. That this is essential in helping you both work out your indifferences. Don't say to her 'Goto counciling because of the problems I have with you'. She won't go for that.

 

Also one thing I learned when getting into a disagreement, is if she states her side and you disagree, ALWAYS say 'I understand, and I can see your point but perhaps....'. This makes a woman feel like you do understand her side and validated. Even if you don't truly understand, say those things. That'll get her less defensive and over the long run it'll help you too.

 

Women do say alot of hurtful things out of anger. People deal with anger in different ways. Some let it out and say stupid things, while others keep it in. Actually from what I read, letting it out even if the person says something they don't mean is better than keeping it in. Keeping it in will drive that person away emotionally, while the partner has no clue what's going on. At least you know a problem exists, and what it takes to fix it.

 

She has a long road ahead of her, but her first step is seeing a councilor so someone from outside the relationship can speak to her in a way that'll make her understand why she is feeling or saying the things she is.

[Poconobob]

I cannot even paraphrase to put it in perspective more, I will call my doctor today, as a matter of fact I just left word for him to call me. The unfortunate part is he is located 1000 miles away so "going" in for a session is virtually impossible, however, I am going to ask him to call her. I must tell you that I've gone to doctors up here in Pa and literally "they" screwed me up worse than helped....MUCH worse as they'd give bad advice such as "ask your wife the status of your marriage"....whew did she go off when I did that. My Psychologist said and I"ll quote; "what dumbass told you to do that?...I'm smarter than he is, quit going to him and I'll help"... he also said when I went down that I'm needing to "let go" of her and also accept the possibility of divorce. He offered this advice: work on yourself, stop worrying what "she" is doing, what "she" says in anger, and go with the flow, give it 6 months or more. So long as she is still there, ignore or should I say agree and don't say anything in rebuttle back, be understanding......but again, as long as she is there.

 

In the midst of this, my doctor called me....."don't tell me what to do" is what he said, HE said in due time he will do what he has to do to involve her. He said that I ONLY need to worry about myself and my own psychosis as that is the root of all her complaints. NOT much on her end to talk about until he is secure in feeling I'm at my full understanding of what damage has been done and fully understand that things have not been kosher for a LONG LONG time....all the latest did was to bring it all to a head. Things weren't broken, things WERE average to good for a while and she all along had these feelings. Stop and think if I were in her shoes if I'd want someone like me(the doctor) calling and essentially telling her this and that. He feels no common ground would be established and that unless she can state in all that "I'm" altogether different, no positive ground will prevail. He said also, Bob, it has only been a couple to three weeks since she'd said divorce so you've got to understand her mindset still is not fully answering an answer that he feels would allow for him to advise her. Again, just be me for the time being......and be thankful that things are "set" where they are in that she is still home, she has not come back and picked up with separation ideas and that she is finally being able to edge closer to the stage in which he can help.

 

Hope that made sense....actually my making a suggestion pissed him off as he keeps saying STOP telling me what to do, I know what I"m doing. I can say he does know what he is doing.....that he is probably one of the best out there. He knows it and HATES suggestions....hates when I don't follow directions. So he ended the conversation with telling me to keep up what I'm doing and let her see, be comfortable, crawl slowly back towards repair.

 

I do agree with you that I've had a parental role....for a long, long time....and at her age, she feels more strength in that she is liberated. I just hate the "I'm right, you are wrong crap".....but as my doc pointed out, things didn't break overnight and won't repair overnight. He did say one thing...."what do you want to push her away by having her once again vocalize something she believes" or would you rather take each day as it comes while showing, not telling that you've changed. Your changing is what she is so confused about at this point and in her own way, she IS trying so give it more time. He believes TIME, TIME, TIME is the best therapy....she will realize you aren't going to control her every move, realize you aren't going to do anything more than be her best friend.

 

So now what?? Do I listen to his advice OR what? Your ideas are well founded things I believe should be done....but according to my doc, those are feelings I HAVE....and his position is to do what he feels best not me acting on emotion and I should not worry about anything other than today, definitely not tomorrow.

 

bob

[jmargel]

First off, I'm no doctor. I'm just someone who's had ALOT of life experiences. Not only my own but quite a of few others. That being said he has probably years & years of experience. Also, not seeing your councilor in person is hard as well. I have a great councilor (i'm from central pa) and can give you her name. I'm about two hours from the Poconos.

 

Sounds like your councilor wants to fix you first before starting on her issues. I wouldn't necessarily agree with that, though. Usually in marriage counciling, the councilor meets with both partners together and then a few sessions down the road meets with them individually. Having us meet together helped alot. I was able to understand what she was trying to tell me, and so was she on her end. I was able to bring up something that my fiancee thought was absurd and the councilor was able to tell her why I brought it up in a less threatening & more understandable way. The councilor then was able to give suggestions on how we can improve certain things.

 

The last session I was able to realize some things about myself which I think was a big relief for my fiancee, to actually hear it from my own mouth rather than the councilors. Being in that setting also showed her I wasn't saying it for any other reason then me truly realizing some things.

 

But he is right in alot of things. One being she is right now thinking through alot. Thinking 'is he going to stay this way or change back into his old ways'. And like me, you need to stop worrying so much. I know, easier said then done. I had a bad past with an ex-fiancee who always threatened to leave. My current fiancee when stress gets to her, she would say stupid things like 'Im thinking of leaving, etc..' I would take that to heart, and not realize its a way for her to release steam. Don't let fear or paranoia take control of your relationship. You two fell in love for a reason, remember those. Do things together, always go out on dates. When was the last time you did something small for her?

 

But I still have to re-iterate that the situation you are in is because both of you have done things to cause this. Whatever the reason is, you need to at least know she is willing to go through this with you. Like my councilor said, if two people love each other enough then any problem can be solved together.

 

I wouldn't act on emotion, that's always a wrong idea. The things you've been experiencing with her aren't just 'your' feelings, but is an actual fact. Was there anything she was doing way before that made you start doing the things you were doing? And don't bring up the accident. Keep that out of the situation. When he says don't worry about anything other than today, that doesn't necessarily mean not think about tomorrow.

 

But he is right, that she is living with you for a reason. You thinking she is there because of your dad's money is just paranoia and insecurity setting in. She's working for a reason, right? And she's contributing to the household for a reason, correct? It's because she does want to make this work. She just wants to make sure her point is across to you and that you truly understand what she has been going through. As things improve and time goes on, her threats of leaving will diminish. Just go with the flow at times. Its like white-water rafting. Sometimes you'll hit some really rough spots and think you two are going to fall out of the boat, while other parts are very calm & reassuring things are going right. You aren't alone, alot of couples go through these things.

[Poconobob]

This isn't the first "episode" of my accusing her of cheating, last time it was TOTALLY unfounded and the longer this goes on the more this episode diminishes. One will never know IF she had designs on her boss.....but her side was she didn't tell me she had to take a trip with him because I was already threatening to beat his ass......ya, I know that was bad enough but when I did find out, I came darn close to beating his 6'2" ass....and I'm only 5'6" but a terror. I've always been a type A personality, she actually likes the bad boy type person....hence the attraction. I'm working on being in shape like I was...oy, long time ago and it is harder but I'm back to bench pressing right at 380 but with the constant pain, guess who I think of when I'm in a workout, my wife's boss. I loathe him because I know for a fact he used to hang out in her office, especially since she lost 30 lbs in a "weight loss challenge" she held for her company. Funny and ironic part is that the last episode with her was when she lost weight. I feel more secure when she is overweight.....don't know why but I just do or did.... My goal is to within a year compete in a body building amateur league.....It is just so so hard being 39 and in pain constantly and dealing with it all as well as workout. For some reason, I think my self image has to also improve for her to "want me".....true or not, before she said she didn't care about my weight, it is more of a care for me as an individual, not my looks. But lets face it, she married me when I was huge, she was a teacher of aerobics, and we both are good looking people. Sorry, I'm not being crass, just telling you how I used to be....but now plus 30 pounds.

 

You wrote:

"Do things together, always go out on dates. When was the last time you did something small for her?"

 

Usually she is tired, wants to watch a movie in our home theater room.....I've asked before about a movie.

Can you give me some ideas on what you mean by "small things" for her? I'd like to ask her out for a dinner date but again, she has such a rigid schedule it is very hard, heck she doesn't even know if she is working on Memorial day or not which sucks. It is hard to plan when you go in at 7a.m. and get out between 5:30 and 7pm each day of the week and on Saturdays between 4 and 5:30pm. I also know for a fact this has been a HUGE stress placed on her.

 

I don't want to send flowers as it seems like the wrong impression would be made, but I'm open to ideas....

 

Thanks for being there, you have no idea how much this continuation of help has "helped". Nobody thus far has gotten the message and root of my problems thus far except you. I can see such a parallel.....amazing.

 

bob