Author Poconobob Posted November 6, 2004 Author Share Posted November 6, 2004 That was the sweetest post I've ever read here, I know how sincere it is and do appreciate ALL the kind words!!! As for why she proceeded, it simply was always planned to go about it this way, she still is staying until July, BUT wants to get this part of it over with as it takes MONTHS in Pa to divorce, not weeks. Pa offers mandatory counceling should one side want it, it said in her paperwork I was "offered" it but I never was. I'm NOT giving in to anything, not a single thing unless it was something we'd already discussed as in furnature, money, etc. I hired the most powerful atty in Pa.....yep, it cost a buck and a half whereas her's cost only $2500...note the sarcasm of $2500.....Personally I'd hoped not to use a lawyer, hoped we could file together and be nicer about it all. As for our son, he'll always be "ours", there shouldn't be a fight over custody as all she wants is cash alimony which fuels custody in which it does show joint custody. What sucks BAD, BAD, BAD is no matter how much I speak to our son, he won't give in to even wanting to stay with mom for a short period when I travel etc.....he wants me, and won't hear of anything more. I say it sucks because I feel for Cathy because she inadvertently takes out her anger on him....it is WRONG, I've tried to tell her to lighten up on him yet she explodes on him as she used to do with me. She can't explode on me anymore as I say "I don't wanna discuss it"....and end it there. It is soooooooo weird to live this way.... Now, she is totally a renter, not even a roommate. She charges me to do laundry if I don't do it, she charges me to vacuum...YES, she actually charges me cash. Counceling.....I have my doc in florida, HE IS THE BOMB...(see I use kid lingo, I ain't so old)....anywho....he speaks to me about it all and I literally have no reservations nor hurt I'll admit at this point. This is due in part to close friends who have gone through it, and the fact Cathy is being so cold hearted to everyone. By the way, she knows nothing of my friendship with Sandy. Just thought I'd share that....But Bryan, our son knows, I told him as I didn't want him to think daddy was out trying to replace mom, or whore around, or be as mom said...a party animal. After all, I completely DON'T drink, I got my arse chewed out by my doctor as alcohol intensifies my meds and hence the effect can be irrational thinking which is the LAST thing I need. Sandy and I are less close than initially but oddly when I say close I mean not sleeping together. It is now natural to not think of doing that, it is now FINALLY out of her mind that I'm just like all the guys in so far as that is all I want. I'm proud to say that I'm beginning or fostering a relationship based on happiness, having LONG quiet talks, and doing things I've never appreciated before. Like with the season change, I NEVER walked on a nature trail and picked leaves and made a scrap book and pressed 'em and never took pictures of beautiful scenes, never held hands and walked and relaxed.....AND i MEAN NEVER. I never sat on the edge of a overhang looking at a valley from top side of a mountain watching the sun fall behind the next ridge and never laid on a blanket just looking at the stars and giggling like a kid ..... OY.....I sound like a kid huh. That is just a tidbit of things we do which I've never done......and ya know what, I like it. Lastly, Sandy told me she loves me, no no no on the getting together for marriage in months, more like a year or two IF we decide. She said I'm the best thing to ever come her way, and I feel the same yet once again, the relationship not based on sex is cool!!! I never thought it could but wow, it is... We don't even discuss it even joking.... I hope I can be honest with my feelings and say I love her too but I don't wanna mask my feelings with rebound. I'm scared about that but I never EVER had known how sweet people can be until I experienced true friendship without sex driving the relationship. With Cathy, it was ALL about that initially, and all the years that sex time was the only time afterward she'd be cuddly, be sweet, and have talks or stuff like that. Sandy made Bryan soup, home made soup when he was sick because Cathy wouldn't even buy him a can of soup while I was in Florida. I didn't even ask, she just did it..... OH POOP, GOTTA RUN.....work time bob Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 Bob, It sounds very much over but at least you've had all these months to prepare, for what it's worth. I don't know how a person can become so cold but I guess it can happen to any of us. Maybe later on, you can be friends. I truly hope the divorce doesn't get bitter, don't let her press your buttons. If she is being nasty and wants you to pay alot, she could try and pull things and one would be to get you very, very angry or catch you in an affair. I think you may have already have a wonderful relationship in the making with Sandy. She is giving you exactly what you need and it seems you are doing the same for her. If I were you (I'm sure the lawyer will tell you more professionally) I'd be careful about staying over night with Sandy or going on trips till the divorce is final!! Then if it's final and even if Cathy is still living in the house with you, I'd GO FOR IT with Sandy!! Sandy isn't anti-intimacy (they type that is sexual in nature) is she? I know that isn't something y'all need to pursue till the divorce BUT you will need that and you need to make sure that you are on the same page about that..... Bob, you're doing great. Your attitude is great and if you went back and read those threads from earlier and then knew that this would happen, would you ever dreamed you would be handling things so well?? Keep your head up, you have no reason to look down!! Keep us updated when you can and don't forget the link I gave you if you want to talk to people about divorce. Viv Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 I have to agree Bob, you've come a long way. I think you finally realized what is important in life. Sandy reminds me of a woman I fell in love with. She had a heart of gold, and treasured the little things in life. Such as watching the stars at night, and things like sending me cards for no special reason (the things she wrote in them were breath-taking). I was in PA and she was in Ontario Canada, she also had a job that was very demanding of her. But even though I'm married now, her words are still engraved in my heart. I've never met someone who was so kind and so loving. Sounds like Cathy is going to be vindictive regarding the divorce. You don't owe her anything. I never understood 'alimony' and to me that is something that should be banished. As for her charging you money for vaccuming, etc.. Screw that. Don't give her anything. She lives in the place as well. She has alot of growing up to do, and one day when she's old and gray maybe then she'll realize how much of a fool she has been acting. How she should have done things different. Let your lawyer know about them saying they offered you counseling, which wasn't true. PA is a no fault state, so I don't think if you decided to go with Sandy, it would make a difference. Let us know how it goes.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poconobob Posted November 9, 2004 Author Share Posted November 9, 2004 FIRST things first.... "Sandy isn't anti-intimacy (they type that is sexual in nature) is she? I know that isn't something y'all need to pursue till the divorce BUT you will need that and you need to make sure that you are on the same page about that....." NOOOOO, actually kind of the opposite...However, her X literally ONLY wanted bj's...he is a weirdo I'm finding out from his son who is 20, well actually step son, he is Sandy's kid. What he does is f around with her head and tell her he is in love with her to keep her under his thumbnail. She wants closure, he wants to have a wife, and have control of Sandy......well put it this way, he wants control of everyone, everything. He cheats and cheats and cheats on his fiance'.....as for Sandy, he bothers her continually. The "problem" is they have a kid age 11 together named Brittany and he uses her as a pawn to be able to talk to Sandy and when he does, he lies, lies, lies about saying for example he isn't getting married BUT he has told her lies.....because everyone knows of a wedding date and she threw it up to him and he still lied. He is an a hole.... All sandy wants is for him to say and admit it so she doesn't hear it on the "street".....why? I wondered and she said because he lied so many times and she found out he cheated "on the street" that for once she shouldn't have to hear about it on the street....THEN she said she can throw it back in his face when he says I' love you, bla bla bla...... Granted, she has come a long way since meeting me, she has a totally new outlook on life.....but I kind of feel she is scared to allow herself to fall until the divorce is final....and I don't blame her. I took the initiative to buy her a promise ring as a small token of my friendship, dedication to NOT being like other guys, to show there are good guys. When I showed her she started balling.....I mean crying like no tomorrow and put out her finger and said she'd be crazy NOT to accept it and that I'm the best person she has ever met, most caring person to a fault that she cannot believe that thereare are actually men that aren't conivers....scammers, cheats, and liars. Don't forget, she was married to this guy for 14 years, and I'm told by all family I'm the first to date her of sorts, first to ever ever ever kiss her. Ya, we do peck but usually on the top of the head or cheek.... I NEVER have french kissed her except that once long ago. OH OH OH......to give you an idea of how controlling he tries to be, he says are you f***ing him, etc.....and she hangs up the phone, tells me. I wanna interfere but I don't want to at the expense of harming a relationship she needs with her daughter. Sandy dreams of being out of her apartment, dreams of a life that is normal with me, and wants to go after custody once this life chrisis is over with me..... Well, my birthday is Thursday.....oy....I'm gonna be 40. Sandy has been making payments on SOMETHING, I don't know what it is. She once more has me going nuts trying to figure out what she is up to and as you guys know it is a short drive to drive me nuts, lol. As for intimacy, I'd go far, far, far to say she is more intimate that not.....almost like she craves being alone with me and just doing stuff like holding hands, kissing my shoulder when I sleep and I HEARD her saying in a whisper while brushing back my hair saying I love you Bobby, I then another kiss so as to not wake me but unkown to her I don't sleep like a rock and was aware. I laid there and she came over from her bed, laid next to me, cuddled up to me and just kept on running her hand up and down my body silently. After 10 minutes she went back to her bed and cried. I acted like I woke up and said what is wrong and she said she had a dream and was scared and then saw me there and was so relieved, happy, and isn't sad anymore. OVER and OVER Sandy tells me the redundant thing about she cannot now wait until Jan 30th, the day the final paper hits the official mark for divorce. She is odd about that as she doesn't wanna be pulled into the mess with divorce as the person in my life. She doesn't want to be intimate for the reason she doesn't want to be doing what was done to her because she knows how bad it hurts. Now, you tell me, is she anti-intimate????? OH, she also wrote me a poem, etc.....when I say etc....it is like she CRAVES like a school kid in love writing notes. I have now met ALL her family.....EVERYONE tells her how different she looks and all......as for her son, he was over here at the house last night with me, my son, and ya the soon to be X was here......we were fixing his sister's computer and my 17 year old and he (age 20) hit it off BIG TIME..... Sandy said that she never would ahve thought that the family would accept me and is so suprised at how they call me, not her....lol.... to say hi. More later, gotta go to the doctor's office Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 Okay, I was just making sure....because once you are divorced, I imagine you are going to be ready for some serious intimacy!! Your situation with Sandy, her son and your son sounds wonderful! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poconobob Posted November 9, 2004 Author Share Posted November 9, 2004 My sincere wish for you to have the absolute best marriage and once again congratulations!!!!!! I just know how you work at keeping your success together will foster years and years of blissful times. Please, if there is one thing I can suggest it is that you must always communicate ALL feelings not later but sooner.....I learned that the hard way. The best of friends don't cut it anymore, obviously it is understanding the female and vice versa... I had some good years and bad and during the bad, it was more like a getting into a rutt of just living and not enjoying each other's company. I'm not about to preach as obviously I am not perfect but I had thought I knew what it was all about and did adorn my wife with out of the blue tokens of my love which I allowed to drift. Love ya.....and congratulations to a PERFECT candidate for marriage! bob Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poconobob Posted November 9, 2004 Author Share Posted November 9, 2004 Jeff, "Sounds like Cathy is going to be vindictive regarding the divorce. You don't owe her anything. I never understood 'alimony' and to me that is something that should be banished. As for her charging you money for vaccuming, etc.. Screw that. Don't give her anything. She lives in the place as well. She has alot of growing up to do, and one day when she's old and gray maybe then she'll realize how much of a fool she has been acting. How she should have done things different. " Last evening we talked......she said she wants it all mutual but wants things to be there just in case I'd file against her the same alimony thing. She doesn't want alimony, nothing, just out... As for the cleaning, YA CHARGES MY ARSE $50 week to change my bed, clean my room, and basic laundry..... I used to do the laundry for YEARS.....I used to change my bed or should I say our bed for years, and on and on..... I can't not pay her since if Sandy doesn't do it, I don't have the time since I have been working......I just HONESTLY don't feel like messing with it, however.... Sandy said she'll do it, in fact she'll do the entire house if the X-Queen wishes.....she has no problem helping. You said that about growing up......she actually thinks she has WOKEN up....and thinks it is ALL me again, she is on my arse about all the crap I did but you know what, it is awfully funny that the DAY her boss left for Texas, she no longer LOVED WORK, LOVED THE CAREER, etc.....and has let her deparment go to pot, gets pissed off at work and comes home, is home NEVER after 5pm, changes clothes and has grannie panties ALWAYS on, never is away from her desk. What, did she think I was friggen stupid or something???? OH, no more trips, they ALL ENDED, ALL every single trip, none ever......whereas before, they were every few weeks. I DON'T want a slut, I totally am not saying she is or isn't but face facts as I did and see that she isn't ms. perfect....huh Well, got two pc's to do...fun fun fun I have to fix one where some knucklehead attempted to redo a pc with a mobo from one that had a AMD XP1800+ in it and he not only cracked the core but put in a new mobo without the stands and cooked the board, cracked the core so I get to redo this MESS. Lucky for him, the vendor called the mobo DOA and I had and XP2600+ I sold for dirt cheap. The other is Sandy's daughter, age 11....OMG what a mess, I had to reformat, I found missing crutial .exe files for all kinds of things, run .dll's not loading.....oy.... bob Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poconobob Posted November 9, 2004 Author Share Posted November 9, 2004 Originally posted by VivianLee Okay, I was just making sure....because once you are divorced, I imagine you are going to be ready for some serious intimacy!! Your situation with Sandy, her son and your son sounds wonderful! Hmmmmm I wish this time I could fast forward time rather than turn back time....I look to the day of Jan 30th.....what a way to start off the new year, he he he.... I have the identical friendship with her two daughter's, all 3 of which she(sandy) thought would be so so so so against her having a person in their lives... She and ALL the kids including mine get along quite well. MAN..... I need help, HOW do I get Cathy to move out, I've offered everything.......like to help with rent, etc.....but noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bob Link to post Share on other sites
pedwin Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 Bob, Please be very careful with every move you make!!!! Your ex-wife can take you to the cleaners because of the smallest contact with another woman. I know this sounds unfair but it is the truth. If she goes to court and tells the Judge that you are seeing someone else that judge will fry you. If she has hired a detective and he documents you entering Sandy's house in the evening and leaving in the morning you won't be able to buy a coke. My husband is paying $1900.00 a month. He has been divorced since 1992. 350.00 of that is alimony. She just inherited a million dollars. My husband went back to court to get the alimony taken away and the judge laughed at him and said because he left her for another woman he owed her. She was the one having an affair in the beginning and like you he started seeing me. When that happened she turned jealous and mean. She wanted to be the one leaving and dumping him. When he turned the tables she raked him over the coals. You have waited this long you can wait a little longer. You can't give another woman a ring no matter what you call it. If your wife gets wind of it and gets her hand on the receipt she will fry you in court. Not only that she can supenoe Sandy and sue her for alienation of affection. Please be careful and settle down a little. You have got your whole life to live. One of the reason's my husband cheated on me was because I was there in the beginning and I think he subconsciously blamed me. Take care of yourself and be patient and careful. Best wishes, Pedwin Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 Thanks Bob.. I appreciate your kind words. I'm glad things are going good for you, good for Sandy as well. But please also make sure you don't rely on Sandy to make you happy. I don't want to be a downer, but if something were to happen and Sandy did not want a relationship, you still need to do things for yourself. Good chance everything will work out great, but please still make sure you have time for 'you' and your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poconobob Posted November 9, 2004 Author Share Posted November 9, 2004 First, I have the best atty in the state......as for alimony, etc....with Pa being a NO FAULT state, even cheating cannot get you money.. Dats the good part, secondly, as for a ring, it was a token of friendship to let someone know I care, not what it may seem. Sandy was VERY hurt, is being actually bothered by her X over finally dating someone and she truly wanted something like that to put an end to that, nothing more. As for Cathy, we've come to a mutual understanding that it is all split 50/50.....plus whomever gets our son, gets support. Next, thanks Jeff, I meant every word by the way......I will never ever be able to put to words how you helped me and I'm not obsessing on Sandy, I'm actually learning to be more patient. Sandy is a lot like me than you'd think, quite hard to obsess if you can't...... As for my son, we're once again going out, working out tonight then dinner out......and spending TIME QUALITY time......thanks for reminding me but I'm now mom and dad so I have to put forth extra effort and believe me, Sandy pushes that. bob Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poconobob Posted November 11, 2004 Author Share Posted November 11, 2004 Well......I'm officially 40, YUCK....I feel still young though....well, except sore from the gym but then again so is my son, lol. I got a singing birthday wish from Sandy at 5 friggen a.m......and what do ya think I got from the former love of my life for 18 years? NOTHING, she got up, got a shower, said absolutely nothing except complain, complain that she got turned down to CNA certified nurse aneatatist(sp?) school....ha ha Nothing much else, the day will pass as just another day, work, home, bed.....and a quick stop by Sandy's as we're celebrating Sunday. bob Link to post Share on other sites
pedwin Posted November 11, 2004 Share Posted November 11, 2004 [color=red][/color]Happy Birthday I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY,YOU OLD FART LOVE PEDWIN! Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted November 11, 2004 Share Posted November 11, 2004 Happy Birthday Bob, Have An Awesome Day Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poconobob Posted November 12, 2004 Author Share Posted November 12, 2004 Old fart here....going to go get my walker today, lol... Got a birthday song from Sandy at 5 a.m......yesterday, none from Cathy. Asked family out for dinner, nobody accepted except my son but he had a migraine headache so I asked Sandy who said she expected to go out. She got me all kinds of cards, gifts.... I didn't get ONE CARD from anyone on my family side.....Nor from Cathy, Bryan, nobody. I never expected I wouldn't get anything.... Turning 40, aaaaa isn't anything special though when I was long ago thinking about 40, I assumed it would be a big deal. To my suprise, only a friend Sandy showed complete friendship. She even snuck and had them sing to me at the restaurant, BRAT...and sunday, she is making me come over for something she won't tell me what for except that it will be the best suprise of my life. HMMMMM, I have no idea, I know she was making payments on something but didn't know what. After the night was over last evening, she and I had been kissing, french kiss ... she wouldn't allow me to come inside the house, said now go home, I wanted you to know you are more special than just a friend, you are the best thing to happen to me BUT we gotta stop. P.S. we never french kissed ever, only a peck and obviously the first thing I told about months ago. I can say without reservation that she isn't anti-intimacy.....she just explained she wants no part of being named in any divorce. Do you blame her? I don't... Anyway, this a.m. she called me at 6:30 in the a.m. and said not to think about "you know" as it isn't happening.....but the reason for the call was to tell me that she was thinking about me and wanted to make sure I was up for work. Well, gotta go..... YUCK---I just looked outside, wet snow........EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW BOB Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 Happy birthday Bob, 40 isn't so old my bf is 45. I like to tease him about it. I am much younger. How are your migraines? Is cathy leaving jan 30, whent he divorce is final? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poconobob Posted November 14, 2004 Author Share Posted November 14, 2004 Hi ya....thanks for asking, migraine headaches come and go... for weeks and weeks I had 'em then Friday, ALL stopped again. I did nothing different, as a matter of fact Thursday, my birthday I had shots of tequila at a restaurant we ate at ....ODD. Grrrrrrrrr, NO she isn't leaving, as a matter of fact still July. Only we'll be divorced will be the difference. Sadly, Cathy blew up on my birthday, she went into our son's room and on his pc was a Microsoft Word doc he was just beginning to type and it read within the text "why don't you move out".....and she said she knew who the letter would be for meaning her. He is more frustrated with her living at home than not... She confronted him in front of me asking who the letter was for and made him say her. I was so upset, I went out.... My son stayed over at Sandy's son Tony's house where her X resides... The kid Tony is 20, my son 17....they get along like best friends, and Tony is an EXCELLENT kid or should I say young man, polite, no drugs, no cigarettes, just a well rounded guy with his head screwed on straight, even college bound! I think he'll be a great influence on my son's attitude. Speaking of attitude, I came home at 10 pm and my son said Mom dressed up after working till 9:00 and looked like a "you know" I said what? He said I can't say it, it is embarrassing....I finally got out of him she dressed slutty and he could see under a sun dress that she had on a teddy or equal to it. I was shocked and couldn't say anything except "she is free to do whatever she wants"...and "you shouldn't involve yourself in things where it is her personal business".... Anyway, I went to bed and ya know what? I didn't care a bit, didn't bother me, as a matter of fact in a matter of months backward, I would have been so upset but I was suprised myself that I didn't care one single bit. I did find it funny that she wore a sun dress as it was 19F last night, lol.... what makes it so funny is the heater in her Xterra quit working so it must have been quite the cold drive....that is what made me giggle to myself. So, today being Sunday, I have a date with sandy for my birthday present.....I found out accidently that her son Tony, daughter's are throwing a b-day party then after they leave I'm to stay the night and Sandy said I have a gift from her coming. She said it will be like no other gift I've ever gotten.....it has been driving me crazy trying to get out of her what it is or a hint...NONE, just that it will be something I'll NEVER forget. hmmmmmm ---- news at 11, lol. I have to tell something which I don't know for sure but I think I'm falling for sandy.... I was told by my doctor not to let the first girl I meet be the next Mrs....as you have a falling out of a relationship and rebound. I thought and thought about that and have been trying not to care, sure I love sandy, she loves me but we don't get intimate except for on my b-day when we kissed intimate. Yes, I did give her a small ring for a token of friendship and commitment to be there for her BUT did explain what my doctor said and she agreed totally. She said that what doctor's say about that is something to consider. Sandy isn't the first girl I went on a date with, I went out once with a girl I sold a car to as you guys may remember but I felt nothing....other than she was 23, that was the only cool part so to speak. her name was Stephanie and she still calls me on occasion tohint at me taking her out and even called accidently or ironically I should say on my birthday saying I needed to take her out to show her how to use the 4wd in her Jeep Liberty I sold her. I respectfully said sure come in, I'll show you.....she said nah it won't be icy enough, how about this evening. I thought with the devil on one shoulder and my conscience on the other and said I can't date, I am involved. THERE is where I realized this is more than a friendship with Sandy.....you see, Stephanie is VERY pretty, young, no X hubby baggage, a professional--psychologist, and I didn't want any part of that. There is also a receptionist who wanted me to go dancing with her and her friends and I declined... There was a month ago a female salesperson who was a friend and she too kinda sorta in a round about way wanted me, I kept being asked to give her a ride home and kept being told I looked so cute...and that little stuff girls do when they like someone like poke their finger in the ribs, giggle and pinch with a seedy look...... All that and I'm still stuck on a relationship with someone I can't seem to NOT find things we don't relate to as a couple. I am not even scared.....THAT bothers me. Why don't I seem to care about this? I've NEVER, NEVER dated someone without being super intimate so to speak. Even in Florida, you'd think during the time we shared a motel room....ironically, we each had a bed and we laid there in "jammies" as she calls them and talked and talked and talked. It seems we cannot stop talking, and it is about things that would be meaningless to anyone else. I mean from likes/dislikes to playing name that tune.... I've never been like that......EVER. I never laid on a blanket after being woken up at 2a.m. to go lay on the beach and watch stars and talk... I've never gone walking and had wild flowers pulled for me.... I've never been so close. hmm Well, more coffee for me..... bob Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 bob, i am glad your are happy with Sandy. But your wife needs to move out. why can't she move when the divorce is final. your going to be spiliting up the assets anyways. It is a bad bad situation for her to stay thier until July. It i not good for you or your son. Plus you can't have a normal relationship with sandy with your wife in the house. Your wife will always be looming in the background. You won't really be free of her and the emtional upset. I couldn't do it. What are her reasons for staying after the divorce. If it's $ she has to suck it up she wantyed this and now has to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poconobob Posted November 16, 2004 Author Share Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by hotgurl bob, i am glad your are happy with Sandy. But your wife needs to move out. why can't she move when the divorce is final. your going to be spiliting up the assets anyways. It is a bad bad situation for her to stay thier until July. It i not good for you or your son. Plus you can't have a normal relationship with sandy with your wife in the house. Your wife will always be looming in the background. You won't really be free of her and the emtional upset. I couldn't do it. What are her reasons for staying after the divorce. If it's $ she has to suck it up she wantyed this and now has to deal with it. Yesterday I put it bluntly to her that it bothers the hell out of me for her to be around me; not so much as you'd think about it being an emotional upset but moreso that I simply don't wanna see her. Her reply was YOU are doing your thing and I'm doing mine.....so what is the problem? I said it is the turmoil caused by my feeling like I have to leave whenever you are around as I don't wanna fight, I just want my space. She said well, sell the house then and we'll be done with that. Her reasoning is partly financial as well, she doesn't want to sign a lease as she told me over and over because the leases are a year. bob Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 Maybe you should do what they did in the movie the war of the roses? Where they drew a line that they couldn't cross in their house. Why don't you want to see her, as you said in your last post? That was kinda mean. You also noted on here about what she was wearing under her dress the other night. There is no need to be mean to her. You can be cordial about this. Where does she plan on going in July? Is she planning on taking you to the cleaners, enough so that she can buy a house of her own? Remember she was your wife for 17 years, so keep your pride and at least be nice to her even if she's not been to you. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 I don't know if I were to divorce someone I wouldn't want to see them either. I wouldn't want them in my space or see them everyday. You can have monthly leases or explain the situation or break the lease if you give to co enogh time it usually isn't a problem. I've broken leases and never has an issue with it. I think she is making excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poconobob Posted November 16, 2004 Author Share Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel Maybe you should do what they did in the movie the war of the roses? Where they drew a line that they couldn't cross in their house. Why don't you want to see her, as you said in your last post? That was kinda mean. You also noted on here about what she was wearing under her dress the other night. There is no need to be mean to her. You can be cordial about this. Where does she plan on going in July? Is she planning on taking you to the cleaners, enough so that she can buy a house of her own? Remember she was your wife for 17 years, so keep your pride and at least be nice to her even if she's not been to you. I'm VERY, VERY frustrated to put it mildly... I mean, it does bother me to see her daily as she is unable to hold a conversation without telling me something like for example....I said we're on different agenda's and I was interrupted abruptly and told "don't say agenda, it is so stupid, you are not some high faluten(sp?) person to use the term agenda"..."you've got no agenda, just look at you, you need BLA BLA BLA" "you need to talk to your doctor about using terms so big, did he teach you that big boy word".... Now, take that into context and conclude what you will, to me, it says "I'm better than you, you are uneduMucated"..... I try and try to ignore as much as I can... Did I come home with a hicky the size of an adam's apple? Nope... Did I allow my son to "see" I was doing this? No... Do I lie to my son, NO.... Heck, she NEVER TOLD THE KID THAT SHE FILED FOR DIVORCE... I'd assumed she told him, at least I would have. I had to do the explaining and his questions couldn't be answered by me for the most part regarding her ways about this. As for me, I am above board on everything with my son, he deserves honesty, hence the reason he has met Sandy's son who is close in age to him, will eventually meet the sister's who live farther away.... Has met and gone out to dinner with Sandy and I....Has been explained the relationship, its meaning, what holds in store for him in any mix with Sandy and I.... And most of all, he knows Dad respects him as not some 8 year old but rather a young man and that my friends is almost exactly what he told me. Now on the other hand, he sees Mom, she comes home, runs to her room, changes, says she is going to the store or mall and NEVER comes home until either the late, late hours of the morning or not at all. During that time, he tries to call her on the cell phone and gets voice mail and leaves a message, NO REPLY. ME-- he has my cell number and knows Sandy's number, knows her son's number, and I NEVER don't call back immediately or take the call. When he calls me around bed time if I"m not home, I'll go from there straight home. I sometimes leave work early at a cost I might add to come home to simply help him with homework, help teach him things like cleaning his own clothing. WHY teach that... well, I am charged $50.00 per week to do "our" laundry meaning his and mine. I used to do my own as well as the families for years and I just know that is the reason for the charge by Cathy to do laundry. So Jeff, I don't put each thing that happens at home on here so please bare with me as I go through this trying time period. I truly was not being "here in your face" to you nor to anyone, and I have not been that way with Cathy. I still respect her as a human being, just not as my wife. There are some things which time passed and reared the truth with respect to her relationship with her boss. I didn't mention it before because I didn't want anyone to think I am obsessed with it but here goes. She loved her job one week, the next after Shawn left, she hated it as you know. My son was home, she was on the phone and thought she was making up with me as she was pleading and pleading. I only found out because later on, he mentioned he heard our conversation and said what did I say back to her.... I said I have no idea what you are talking about. Another time, she got a phone call and it slipped out during the conversation "hey shawn".... I was like 20 feet away and she knew I heard it even though it took everything to not turn my head immediately. After her call, she LIED, LIED... she was beet red. I said I wasn't paying attention and didn't hear her story on the phone to whomever. She jumped up, immediatley said to me OH SO I TELL STORIES ON THE PHONE. I said there you go picking at me....I said I chose story only instead of conversation as a word and nothing more. She was like WAY LONG AGO....a mirror image of back then when I was a piece of garbage, I was on morphine, I hallucinated....etc. This time to her demise, I was NOT and chose not to bicker but instead said I dont want to fight with you, it is a moot point anyway and it doesn't matter. She said IT BETTER NOT MATTER WHAT I DO! The lady is loosing it, I'm telling ya... You know what I was doing 20 feet away? Playing X-Box LIVE with my son, TRYING to have a normal Sunday of sorts. Our son jumped in and told her to STOP yelling at me and she called him an a hole....and he is just like his father and his reply was thank goodness. I then said YOU TWO NEED TO NOT GO FIGHTING, you two are relatives and I'm wanting you both to stop this madness, after all it is the two of you that are not separating, it is mom and I...... It ended with them first fighting then hugging....but then, she left for the rest of the day and I took our son after 3 hours of waiting on her run to the store to get something .....we went out and Sandy had a suprise birthday party for me. My son was elated. Enough of this, but now you know just a bite of the cookie you don't hear about because I don't wanna illude that it is WAR OF THE ROSES....but it is more like two people who have a perpetual desire for things to end and it just keeps on going over and over and over again. bob Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 Well then if she wants things to end, why doesn't she just leave? Why is she staying until July? She still needs to see a counselor, her sadness won't stop until she does. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 I really think she needs to move out. How does your son feel? It can't be good for him to be called and a**hole by his mother. Maybe you could work it into the divorce agreement say it is damaging to you and your son to continue to live with her emotional abuse. Which is what it is Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poconobob Posted November 17, 2004 Author Share Posted November 17, 2004 Originally posted by hotgurl I really think she needs to move out. How does your son feel? It can't be good for him to be called and a**hole by his mother. Maybe you could work it into the divorce agreement say it is damaging to you and your son to continue to live with her emotional abuse. Which is what it is All you have to do to see my frustration is LOOK what friggen time it is when I post this message, it is 1a.m.......!!! Oy... this sucks, it seems like one thing after another! Is it me or am I being played here by her? I mean she seems to be just giving me money to pay some bills and otherwise continue the torture and YES our son feels she should just move on and OUT. He sees the tension, he feels her utter distain for the two of us and things will NOT BE BETTER. Her side: No I'm not moving out, you can then get alimony if I do so I'm not....and so long as I'm here paying you cannot do anything. Therefore, I'm stuck......I wish I could do something! Unless I sell the house, there somehow seems no other way out! Unless that is I get down right below her level and stoop to a lawyer who is an utter prick but is expensive to boot. Sheesh, all I want is a normal life again, is that too much to ask? The divorce will be final as of Jan.....then comes the division of property and debt after that. I OFFERED to pay the entire mortgage so she can move out and she said NO!! Meanwhile, it also messes me up with Sandy as I'd "like" to date her as a girlfriend instead of this stagnation. I know patience is a virture but man, this is a toll too, just how long is Sandy expected to wait? I'm afraid this mess will effect this relationship which I CAN'T let go by the way side. We care about each other, she says she understands but I can tell based on a couple comments she has made about cohabitating with my wife....sheesh bob Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts