believe it or not do trust her, I just am suspicious...

[Poconobob]

Thanks for the great advice.... I truly believe based on the fact she is looking at colleges in Birmingham that this is truly this weeks fantacy. As we all agree I WAS wrong, I addressed my problems and even admitted to you all how bad wrong I was. Like vivian said, imagine IF SHE CALLED MY BOSS....see Vivian, I don't forget! Anyway, though stubborn human nature has a way of rearing its ugly head in ways only experts know. As in her inner self thinking something is wrong about moving.

 

Yesterday, we kinda bickered over the fact I THOUGHT she was moving, I made reconsiliation to accept it, and was prepared. I shared with her how hard it is to see her and not be a part of her life. She said that she thinks living together is best for now to pay off things, gain our bearings, and then she'll leave in July with a moving van no matter what. I got kinda into it over our son's education, she stated that "he can go get student loans"....which IS OPPOSITE of what we agreed on totally, we'd said we would pay for his education so he wouldn't be burdened with loans after graduation. I was soooooooo pissed, she said she would try to help pay but that is too far off to talk about. I threw in the divorce decree would read she will pay for his education...

I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said ya, eventually.....

 

I was told by my doc over and over and over to not put her in a defense, to agree HAPPILY with whatever she says and man it is hard to keep my trap shut. I know, I know....you guys said the same thing.

Perhaps you guys can understand that I wanted the separation but yet didn't......See I saw it this way, she would experience being alone and then could stay/go permanently, and I could cope with seeing how I am alone.....NOW she throws this let us stay together until a permanent end in July. Argggg I just wanted to set the record straight that I accepted her moving and now NO.

 

Today, I see she has icons on the desktop to links to colleges in birmingham, also a link to an apartment guide for Wilkes Barre.....AGAIN. So IMO, she is so confused, she knows not which way to turn. She said school will help her to forget her problems with her mom's being old and ill, with her personal life, and stick her nose in books.

I said I understood but that forgetting something and being alone putting blinders on isn't a way to cope, she said BUT each person deals with things different, "I cope by staying busy".

 

I wonder why oh why all of a sudden she dislikes her job? Guess she isn't the "queen" she said she was at work, huh. Still, there is a percentage of obvious things I still am leary of such as what happened a couple weeks ago, then after one day at work she comes home still all pissed off and announces she isn't staying at her place of employment, perhaps even going back to nursing for a time being here.

 

Remember now, her boss was sweet on her, she long ago said he is good looking.... Two Saturdays ago she goes to an "appointment" which she wouldn't tell my son where she was going and was gone for an hour plus....then came home in tears. Hmmmm BUT, no I'm not going to obsess or jump to conclusions as that isn't the proper thing to do but ya gotta wonder even if it is 2%.

 

Jeff has said that relationships built on cheating never work.....and eventually pressure either from the female or male or both to leave their spouses eventually comes to a head.....and OH by the way, she said ALL OF A SUDDEN that I could do her laundry again??? WTF.... OH and she stopped TOTALLY, TOTALLY wearing sexy undies, all are the "normal cotton" ones....and she stopped being absent at work.

 

STOP STOP...I've stopped on that topic, I just had to "share" that little tid bit. No I don't doubt the why for or this or that, it can be explained easily based on my doc saying perhaps they are uncomfortable in summer. He laughed it off... But did edify that I still have no business thinking anything except my own personal business and let her be herself and me be myself and accept things at face friggen value.

 

Though I do take exception to her staying, in a way, she'll have to put up with the holidays, an anniversary, etc with me and remotely IF I became say a saint, then it would show I'm not to blame if it doesn't work out. I've already done all I can do......I have said lots of things good, done good, but TIME from the last time I was out of sorts is day one, just like an alky who falls off the wagon, he has to start over each time he takes a sip. Understand? I finally do....that unless I can overcome PAST hurt with PRESENT happy, she won't come into my space and will stay away.

 

Truly, I want to get on with life; I have a lot to offer, I'm honest, I'm back to being competent, I'm back to being RESPONSIBLE for my actions and accountable to a fault, I'm working on long term goals, short term goals, and most of all I'm faithful to my vows until we divorce.

 

GOD, how could I have been so nieve in thinking I could be just a husband that would be enough......

Love is expressing one's love by doing, not saying.....being a couple means communication, means appreciating, not smothering, letting things go that aren't worth spitting out a cross word.

 

RIGHT!!!

 

I'm like 90% sure something in her hormones are screwed, she lost half an ovary as a youth and my doc said IF she is going through the change, a mid life chrisis, or just plain over it, I can't do anything and to stop trying so hard.

 

BTW, yesterday, it was so "normal" after we spat, and I do mean a 30 second spat early in the day about our son's education......it was so normal, we went out together to lunch, we went and looked at cars since she wants to trade DOWN now to a cheaper vehicle (yippeee), and then we both crashed on the couch next to one another instead of the normal where she'd be on the opposite side of the room in a chair.....we watched a movie, then went and rented Starskey and Hutch.....then watched tv and talked like a couple for 2 hours and didn't go to bed until LATE, LATE....which usually she'll RUN to her room shut the door and watch tv alone. No I'm not reading into anything, I'm just doing as I always do and state the situation, and what we did. Hey, this is sorta like a diary except to the world, huh.

 

Well, I've babbled enough and made enough gramatical errors for one post so I'll end here. I have just gotten home from work, I have a house to clean, a load or two of laundry, and then it is me and my hound to fend for ourselves this evening.

 

bob

 

 

OH and thanks for all the advice, hope you don't ever stop posting replies or get sick of me, thanks from the bottom of my heart, it has been such a support just reading and you guys helping.....

[jmargel]

That's what the board is for. Your frustration level is high, which is to be expected. It all depends on what you want. If you want her back in your life, then you have to be patient and take everything at face value. But even doing that is not a guarantee. She still needs counseling. If you want to move on with your life, then you should ask her to leave.

 

My best advice would be to ask if she would want to goto counseling with your son. Don't help her out with any car, or any other fiancial situations. That is a must. Otherwise she is staying for the money. If you are so concerned about that Saturday, say something like 'The other week, Bryan saw you crying and upset. Are you ok?' and see what she says.

[Poconobob]

First off, Fu@King microsoft....this new SP2 had me down for two days after completely messing up my connection to my server in the basement. Pissed me off, my anti virus, firewall became disabled and stopped it from connecting. I had to go through EACH piece of my network, find the problem.....I don't envy you, especially if you use WIFI with encription....argggg

 

Secondly, now to address your post....

 

She has been COMPLETELY different since Sunday, back to sitting by me, calls me, and isn't snubbing me the way she was. Remember that little picture thing I said had faces with "feelings" under it like frustrated, depressed, happy, etc......well, she started using it again and LONG ago, she had "hopeful" under the magnet today feeling, it is now back to "hopeful"......hopeful of what, I don't know. Before it was frustrated, angry, hurt, etc.... She is also communicating at least in a nice manner, talking like we did months ago.

 

I'm not going to inquire as to what she was crying about as she'll think Bryan and I were talking behind her back which has been something of a gripe she had, she thought he told me everything she did daily which he doesn't but still, it could be construed that way. I have certain things I gotta let go, I feel this is one time that I should just let it go. I think it would put her on the defense....

 

As for counseling, I asked about the possibility of going to see Dr Boutin in Florida, she said no, no not interested. She has said before she would go to talk about Bryan to "a" counselor but not about us.

I gotta have a counselor before going that route.....one up here, perhaps Bryan and I should go then invite her later, huh???

 

Honestly, WHY would she change her tune and want to stay? She states it is because she has gotten disgusted with her job, it is only a job now, it is high stress and she was telling me the Gen Mgr of the plant wants his wife to work in her clinic. She doesn't want that......and it pisses her off for some reason.

She is occupying her time reading to take her GRE enterance for school and wants to stay for a year, then move on. Is this just another phase? Or is it a way of her not being able to leave, feeling confronted by the strong feeling it isn't right to leave? Something definitely "changed" ........the question is what.

 

As for a financial "help" on my part, I'm not giving her any help, she is paying for half of all bills, and she simply wants to trade her Xterra on something like a used car now to give her a cheaper payment so she can save money I assume.

 

My doctor Boutin basically said the same thing, don't put her up on a pedistol as if she were in charge, lay back and be myself. He felt that she is seeing that I've changed and gotten a job which now occupies my time and have let go of checking up on her. IMO, I don't know if he knows all the details.....but he is a logical person. Today, he called me this a.m. EARLY, EARLY before she left for work and I missed the call as I couldn't get the telephone fast enough, arggg.

 

I kinda want to go to him in Florida for some sessions in person and speak to him about my life, i.e., what I plan to do IF time draws near moving on her part. I think I'll sell after our son finishes high school......and move back to Florida, back to our ole' area and buy a house, and work at my ole' dealership. THAT is what would make me happy, I have a very good support network there....

I also have like 100 friends there.....and it isn't depressing.

 

As Xmas draws near, I wanted to invite her to go to Florida for vacation......

 

As for her wanting Birmingham, it could be just another phase/dream she has conjured up.....she seems to live in a fantacy world of wishes without acting on them. Look back at all the things, once I accept something and say okay, go ahead, she finds something else BUT this time, I have not said a word about it, agreed with everything.

 

If I move to Florida, back to our "roots" of when we were happy, she agreed we were happiest there and since moving here, it was a big, huge, mistake......she "hates" pennsylvania and everything about it, especially the long winters.

 

I said since it is our last winter, how about going skiing, she said SURE.....sounds good.

 

For the life of me, I cannot understand why she wouldn't want to go back, she said you can never go back......

 

She also doesn't want to go to college where she graduated with her BS degree, instead she wants to be a nurse practicioner and hit the books hard for a year and be done with it which IF so, she can go to like Vanderbuilt as they have one year degree programs which indulge you heavily into school whereas in Florida, it would be very hard.

 

Say, what do you think? I was thinking of emailing our mutual friend, more so her friend as she used to work with her as a nurse in florida, explain she wants to move from Pa......back to florida, then see if she can email Cathy to stay. She and Cath are best friends, as for me, she loves me as she thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread as I helped them over and over and over with computer stuff and didn't charge a dime.

 

regards,

 

bob

[jmargel]

Hi Bob,

 

So far I haven't had any probs w/ SP2. Guess you were one of the unfortunate ones. MS always has a way of messing things up.

 

As for your situation, remember that she is going to have 'good' days and 'bad' days. She is still putting you on this emotional roller coaster. You get wondering 'why' she is treating you good or at least civil. Then you start thinking why does she want to stay. If she is not willing to goto counseling then take her words at face value. Because if July rolls around and she leaves, and you ask her why did you stay so long, she'll just tell you 'I told you back in August why I stayed'.

 

Like I said before it's upto you on how far you want this to go. The frustration level is going to get alot higher as time goes by, and the same old routine happens over & over again. She still doesn't know what she wants in life and you & I know that the only way she is going to get herself straightened out is by a counselor. Her unwillingness to go with you, PROVES to you something. She hasn't changed.

 

I wouldn't bother emailing her friend, since that is her friend. Cathy will just get upset. If Cathy needs her advice, I'm sure she will contact her. I know you are still looking for ways to magically fix all of this, but in all reality, unless your wife WANTS to work things out, no matter what else is done, it won't.

 

Personally I would be fed up with it all, and just move to Florida after your son's graduation and tell her that now. She is playing on your emotions. It's almost like she is bi-polar. In that one day things are good, the next she is the total opposite. My ex was like that and it was extremely hard to live with someone with that.

 

Personally I think she wants to stay because she hasn't made up her mind on where she 'wants' to goto school or where her next move is going to be. Even if she were to say 'Lets give it another shot, but I don't want counseling' do you really want to live a life where she can throw the relationship away everytime she gets upset? When a person does that, the value of the relationship doesn't mean much.

 

You should still also find other friends to go out with. Find a group of friends from work or something. Let her wonder where you are at, and what you are doing. But more importantly do it for yourself.

[Poconobob]

Honestly, I'm not on an emotional roller coaster; moreso like SHE is on the roller coaster and I'm standing next to the coaster and she is telling me "I'm getting off the roller coaster after one more lap". Well put huh...I'm gettin' good at this psychology stuff. She at this point is steadfast in her desire to go back to school, certain of that and of wanting to move to another state. I personally call it running away from your problems as KIDS do when they are confused, mistreated in their minds, and see it as no other alternative. It is childish, foolhearty, and by the same "odd". BTW, I was on a bi-polar med up until the other day, it was the Zyprexa, I once again am gonna stop it because as I said before I can't lose weight no matter what, and if anything gain. Health is important as well as the mind's health. I feel today more in control of myself, more cognitive in thinking, and not so scattered. I needed it before because of the empty feeling you have after being on drugs for so long......it just leveled me off but I might add made me punch drunk and quite somber to the point it was hard to keep awake and had to drink like literally 3-4 pints of espresso roast coffee to compensate, therefore I'm trying it without. Ya, I did talk with my Psychologist about it......though not a MD in the sense he can prescribe, he does know the ill effects and how it downs you. Remember I'm usually hyperactive, ya a ridalin child....but as an adult far from that on the bi-polar med as it slows the entire system including the digestive tract.

 

As for frustration....hmmm, I'll have to give that some thought, at least for the time being, her switch is on the nice mode. She came home yesterday at 2pm sick.....she thinks she has an ulser, hmm, imagine that. THAT is how messed up she is. I swear, she is WORSE THAN I AM......or was. I see things this way, if it is meant to be it isn't up to me, I've done what I can do, and just have to live my life in the manner I was told and taught by mostly my Dr. and you. I feel no anger, no frustration, heck, I even have had my wedding band off for a couple weeks and after the first week, I felt good. There no longer is a "quick fix".....I only contemplated emailing her friend as she is a friend and she could use a friend knowing what she is going through. I only contemplated, today I see it no use to do that based on your points mentioned.

 

Moving, yep, I agree....after high school I must move on if she doesnt want to try to work things out. Like you said before, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.....or results in this case. She hasn't lifted a finger to "try" because her emotions still dicatate her actions and so long as her emotions are riding the coaster, noting will change Cathy, and she will continue to play on anger/frustration.

Do I feel a counselor would help her, SURE.....but what percentage of me feels she'll seek help, NONE. It is as if she is in denial that she can benefit rational thinking about a counselor's role, whether it be a Psycholgist, Psychiatrist, or any of the LSW's out there.

 

"Personally I think she wants to stay because she hasn't made up her mind on where she 'wants' to goto school or where her next move is going to be. Even if she were to say 'Lets give it another shot, but I don't want counseling' do you really want to live a life where she can throw the relationship away everytime she gets upset? When a person does that, the value of the relationship doesn't mean much. "

 

This week or month.....this is the current thinking, school, bury herself in books......forget. IMO, eventually you have to do as I did and come to grips with the fact that you must inspect what you expect of yourself and not hide behind a disability, behind a brain problem, and come clean with the facts....facts are easy to cover up if you don't wanna address your problems. As for "WANTS"....well, all I can do is be in the today and not July '05......BUT I don't think she is in a mode of everytime she gets upset, she'll do this.....she isn't like that except this time she HAS to have "other" reasons for such change. Remember when she was in Ohio the last time, she said to me after talking about me saying I thought I might go to Florida for Thanksgiving, she said what do you mean do I want to go, I won't be living there in the house. Then, she comes home, goes to work ONE DAY, comes home all upset and says the next a.m. that she isn't leaving and that she wants to stay until our son finishes school. ////

That is exactly what I tried to get her to do all along, think of our son......and how hard it will be to live his senior year with mom living elsewhere.

 

Fed up isn't exactly where I am....more like "whatever" at this point. I make zero attempts anymore to rationalize the irrational thinking she has. Yesterday, she went out and bought books on taking the GRE for college which is similar to the SAT test except harder. Her nose is pressed into that book for now.......

Something will come of where she is going......She WANTS to be this way so let her be this way.

There is no mistaking whatsoever that I'm now a different person than I was, she kinda is in denial of that too as she said I still get angry. See, I said to her that I don't get angry like I used to do......she said QUICKLY that I got mad at work over not being able to use cell phones so I didn't change. Lesson learned from that is NEVER to tell her or confide in her anything except positive t hings, things I'm reafirming that are shown not said.

 

Okay, question.....I met this single lady at work who hints that she is bored and wants to go out.....she is divorced with 2 kids and was telling me she never gets out. She is new to sales, I've helped her to learn the do's and don'ts of sales, and I find she is doing things like if I'm sitting outside she'll come plop down right next to me CLOSE and chit chat ...... In conversation, she tells me how hard it is to meet men since her kids are her focus, and said she wants to go get a drink but can't handle it because she is skinny and gets tipsy easy. I "almost" said GOOD then lets go have some dinner and a drink and talk. I'd DEFINITELY not want to be lovers as I'm still married but it would be nice to talk as friends but I'm afraid she might come on to me more. She is a sweetie, my age, attractive, and all. Would it hurt to go grab some dinner after work one night? Or even just casually go out dancing? I swear I have no alternate motive.....though the "man" inside can rear it's ugly head which is what I'm afraid of. Some parts of me want to feel confident in just casual conversation, talks about relationships have come up. I told her before that my wife was moving out and she said good for you, you can finally get on with your life. She seems able to relate. BUT now my wife isn't moving out.....so wtf CAN'T I have a friend who is female? Just because we have different sexes doesn't mean the dirty has to happen.....though it has been since Feb since my wife and I slept together, I still don't see becoming friends with a female would lead to that but by the same, I look at situational ethics when it comes to the "what if" as in what if she hits on me or makes a pass.

 

DONT take the last paragraph out of context, PLEASE......

 

There aren't any people I work with other than "kids" who go out as a group, and I'm not going out for that reason anyway......BUT, my Dr. said basically what you put about .......

 

"You should still also find other friends to go out with. Find a group of friends from work or something. Let her wonder where you are at, and what you are doing. But more importantly do it for yourself. "

 

He, my doc said letting her wonder where I'm at, what I'm doing ALWAYS and he said ALWAYS takes someone who is trying to mask over something to being jealous which is an important human emotion which cannot be supressed as he said I had been.

 

bob

[jmargel]

I just read your last post, and for the most part of it, my previous post basically still pertains to it. As for this new woman, it all depends on what you want with your wife. If you want things to work out with your wife, then I wouldn't suggest taking this other woman to dinner. If Cathy were to goto dinner with another guy, what would you be thinking?

 

This woman is giving you attention, something that you are lacking with your current wife. Of course you are going to be flattered, and probably revive some feelings that were dormant for awhile. Nothing wrong with talking to this woman as a friend, but it sounds like she would try to probably pursue more. I would be honest w/ this other chick and tell her about your wife not moving out. You are flirting with fire here. Unless you are totally detached from your wife and you have a deep interest in this other woman, don't throw any sort of chance with your wife away. If your wife were to find out, any sort of slim chance of her coming back into your life would be gone. That doesn't mean you can't mention to your wife about this woman in passing, it could get your wife's attention. Jealously does bring out quite a bit.

 

And I have to disagree, you are still on this emotional roller coaster, and you are still analyzing her. Re-read your last post. That's not analyzing? Personally I would sit down with your wife and talk to her. Ask her if she is sure she really wants to seperate or divorce. That it is going to be extremely hard to see her everyday for the next year, being neglected of emotions from her.

 

Before my ex & me ended our relationship, there wasn't much affection going on. I was voided of that by her. I felt that no one would really want me, since I was accustomed to being treated like that. When the first chick came along who did give me attention, I lapped it up like a puppy. I soon found out though, there were alot of women out there just for the sex. Unfortunetly, I found alot of married women hitting on me as well. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is don't go for the first chick interested in you. Accept the flattery, and be friends if you want. But if you think this other woman would want more, you need to gently place a line where neither of you two cross.

 

I won't be around next week, going on vacation. I won't be back until Friday, so I hope your week goes well. Vivian will help you out as well. She gives good advice. Keep us updated.

[jmargel]

One thing I forgot to add. Your wife confided in her boss about her relationship problems and they got closer. Wouldn't you be doing the same thing to your wife by going out to dinner and confiding in this woman with all your problems? That's why I'm saying to becareful. Make sure you set boundaries within' yourself.

[VivianLee]

Hey Bob!

There's really not much to add to jmargel's advice.....from what I've read of your posts and his, he's right on the mark....it seems like now you are just running in circles with your wife.....will she stay or will she go? Y'all have been married almost 20 yrs....I know you feel like you are living with a stranger, you are walking on eggshells and now you are almost indifferent/numb to it all. I don't think it's healthy for you to keep having to wonder what your future holds with your wife. You surely don't need to wait still your son graduates to find out the "outcome" that means you've let her hold you by the b**** (that's tacky but it seems appropriate) all this time. You don't need that, you don't need that kind of marriage.....that's not a marriage....that's you being held emotionally hostage!! Neither of you have been perfect (who is?) you've apologized, you want to change (she needs to change now too), you want counseling, you are doing your best to save this marriage BUT it's all one sided....she throws you a few crumbs and it keeps you coming back hopeful.....

 

Yes, you need friends, you need an outlet and another adult(s) to talk to and hang with. What's wrong with a male friend or two? Another guy is the ONLY person that will understand ANOTHER GUY!! This chick you spoke of is looking for a date, a relationship and a lover. You know good and well that you are starved for love and affection....if you go out dancing and dinner with this chick, unless you are the Pope or impotent....you are going to want MORE than friendship, not because you are weak but because you are human!! STAY AWAY FROM HER TILL YOU ARE DIVORCED!!

 

Another scenario of the situation that jmargel touched on.....Cathy finds out Bob has been to dinner and dancing with this woman, yeah she's jealous BUT she'll show hm, she's going to go out and have dinner and dancing with some other guy too....(it would be fair)....how would you take that??

 

That's why this needs to be settled ASAP....you are starving, hungry for love and affection like any person would be in your situation. It's time for this limbo that she has you in to end.....it's not her place or your place to sit and hold all the cards (as she seems to be doing now) marriage isn't a competition of who can hold out the longest or hold their tongue.....it's time to get it ALL out in the open and get things set....you don't need to have to spend one more day of dealing with this, either she's in or out!

 

Your son will be better off right now if she lived in another house and he wouldn't die if she moved to another state...witnessing what y'all are going through is more damage than if you both just ended it.....

 

I hope you are tapering off the meds and not going cold turkey, that's not safe!!

 

I will be here for you while jmargel is gone (jmargle are you getting married this weekend?? )...I will try to get answers or just listen as much as possible! Take care and hang in there!

 

By the way....UAB (University of Alabama in Birmingham) have an excellent medical school, if that is what Cathy is interested in....maybe if y'all work things out, y'all could all move here when your son graduates...he could attend UAB or the University of Alabama (NOT AUBURN, they are BAD!! )

 

ROLL TIDE!!

[Poconobob]

I guess I'm just being stupid when I say I don't try to "read into" things Cathy does or says. Guess I can say the percentage of "reading into" has gotten numbed by disapointment but I still have hope???

 

I guess since my last post I'd already made up my mind on the possibility of having a female friend....I gave it lots of thought since having to drive 30 min each way to work and BESIDES---and this is hard to admit, I'm still friggen deeply in love with my wife yet numb to the lack of emotion she shows most of the time.

 

And guys.....boy turn the tables and I'd be insulted and pushing more for her to move out. I can live like this for a year, I swear I have gotten used to it.....I know this sounds stupid but after being on meds for so long, I find now I enjoy the simple things in life, i.e., reading a good book again, WORKING, relaxing after a long day on my deck with the hound looking out over the mountain and down to the valley below. I have so much to be thankful for, other than my wife, I have it pretty darn good; my son is healthy, my family is relatively healthy, etc.

Anyway, I'd kinda explained my roller coaster life to "Kelly" and explained without deep conversation that it is okay for me to be helping her to learn the business the right way but i STOPPED THERE... She said she can learn lots from me....then she got on a divorce topic, she has had her kids all by herself for like 10 years, her's are 13 and 16....bla bla bla. So I listened as a friend...and I DEFINITELY didn't have any sparks inside for this woman....y'all know who I do have sparks for.

 

NOW--here is my "usual" analizing of my life. My wife bought a book called "The Notebook" which is a book about falling back into love ..... I'm glad she is back to reading love stories, she used to read them years ago...

Last night I called her and asked her out to dinner and she accepted, we went to a fairly fancy place, just light conversation...and one topic she brought up was the move in a year, asked what I was gonna do as in stay here or move....I said move. Then we chit chatted, had dinner and went to our respective rooms....although she did thank me for dinner, lol...

 

Is this the kind of stuff you guys meant by (for lack of a better word) getting back to basics? We'd not gone out on a date in MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS. I was a gentleman, opened/ closed car door, chair at the restaurant...Overall, way too comfortable, too much like we used to be....then during dinner

she interjected the moving thing because she was uncomfortable sorta kinda sorta, right? that is why I kept the topic light and skimmed the surface then let it go KNOWING that there are boundries set and that is her way of saying without saying???

I sure hope that made sense....

 

One thing I am admitting is that I truly didn't give the relationship a chance as she WAS totally different up until her deciding not to move out. It was all different, I swear....she was nasty, telling me what a P.O.S. I was, and on and on.......NOW, it is like since her decision to move is gone, she is not so stressed.

Geezzz I wish I could expound on it better....I guess for lack of better words, respect has returned....

 

I also know she has an ulcer as I gave her my ole' script for prevacid.... I felt sorry for her in pain but I didn't act like a baby pressing her buttons which she hates and saying honey this or that.

 

It must have been awful having me being so screwy for so long, that is hard to swollow...HARD--especially when I think of what you said Vivian about the checking up and how would I feel. I feel guilty..

However so, it isn't all my fault.

 

As for school.....well, only time will tell where she goes, her best bet will probably be "bamma".... my dad went there! So who knows what tomorrow will be, who knows.....and at this point, I'm working on my own set of values which I expect myself to follow and the likes of which include ZERO checking which I've done for a couple months, respect for what she thinks without interrupting, and inspecting what I expect before expecting what I think I see in her.....not stating negative fight prone words.

 

Let me give peace a chance, we'll see....

 

bob

[VivianLee]

Hey there Bob!

Wow, my hubby and I sleep in the same bed/room and I haven't had that romantic of a date in a while!! That sounds wonderful for you both (even if the convo went a little downhill, she probably brought it up because she felt it was a safe place and situation).....

 

"The Notebook", I haven't read the book but I saw the movie (CHICK FLICK CITY and I LOVED IT!!).....I don't want to give away the ending or even the total story but it's about a couple staying married and in love for many, many years!! If you really, really, really want to impress her, buy it for her when it comes out on video and watch it with her.....you will gain a bizzillion brownie points!! A side note and funny story, as I said this is a CHICK FLICK....this guy I know that is a WWII buff was told the movie was about WWII....the poor guy went to see it and was terribly disappointed....the movie has no more than 30 seconds of a battle or anything to do with WWII!! LOLOLOL!!

 

Okay, back your thread....if you think you can live this way for a year and feel peace, then I personally see no reason "not" do it. As long as you are at peace...if you have to start taking some of that Prevacid.....then maybe you aren't feeling peaceful! You know what you can take and endure and if in the end you end up with you being with the woman you love in a happy marriage, then it will be worth it. Just make sure that you stand your ground and don't lose yourself in compromises!

 

Have a great weekend!!

[Poconobob]

Well, I had a darn good laugh about that chick flick...lol, I could imagine the poor guy w/the wwII thingy.... I passed on what you said about the med school there, the ONLY benefit to Vanderbuilt is it is one year whereas there it is 2. Whatever she decides, I support her decision as a human being with enough sense to make rational decisions....I mean the part about me by the way. For so long, I only thought of poor me and not about her feeling had the table been turned which it was kinda but not obsessively, ya know?.... Anyway, I agree with ya on most of the dinner ending up romantic....I snuck that one in on her, I politely asked her out, told her to wear something nice and said we'll go grab a bite. What I mean by my saying "most agree"....well, her talking about school and moving and me going where was light hearted, not like a place where she wanted to bring it up because we couldn't fight. Know what I mean? I took it as she felt sorta uncomfortable at first and said that to let me know things aren't kosher so don't do anything like hold hands. I kept my distance as if it were a first date..... You do know THIS was the very first time we've gone out as a couple to a romantic place, had such decent conversation, and it seems sooooo natural. Nah, I'm not jumping to conclusions nor am I dissmissing or discounting what she said, I'm just saying she wasn't NASTY as she has been. Quite meek for her, the 100% Irish temper and all....lol.

 

Hey, I go buy chick flick movies... I sleep through some although I'm inclined to say I'd watch a good one if I had not worked all day.

 

I have gone back and looked at some of my old posts.....WOW, I was pretty messed up mentally, I obsessed and I have no excuse, and I wanted to also say I'm sorry as I wasn't exactly cognisent.

 

Here is what I've gathered, I spent 2 hours just reading what I put, some skipping around but read some crap I wish I had not posted. Some very valid things "were" bothering me, most of which I see now as a weakness instead of strength. I also saw paranoia, and fantacy... It seemed like I was like she was, one day all is fine, the next all was not, the next I was paranoid, the next down right awful...sheesh. Nuff said.....

I see why even IF I laid on the excuse of the drugs that she was over it......

 

Hey, I wanna change subjects and ask about something my doctor touched on but wouldn't expound as he is a bit of an ego maniac and wanted me to write down new goals before talking about it. Basically he thinks that she is using everything she has and can't do it, postpone as she is still riddled with feelings which have caused her great distress. Duh, she has an ulcer... No but I mean he said for me to write down a story like goal of doing good over bad. WHAT the heck did he mean? I asked and he said for me to think about it.

 

Does he mean to set a series of stairs toward inching into a better situation? Heck, I thought about that OR it could be he meant for me to outweigh my bad points with good ones....

Either way, come Monday, he'll call me and I'll be SO much in his bad graces if I don't figure it out. Man, I don't know if I've mentioned it but he YELLS at me when I talk about "my wife this, my wife that"....whew, obviously I don't go there.

 

Which brings me to a final question or opinion? Do you think I have "any" hope to outweigh my bad with doing good? I mean not like BUYING her stuff as that is plasticy things which anyone can do. I mean sweet things.....

things that you don't necessarily buy ... I was thinking of maybe buying her.... oops, my bad. Seriously, I'm gonna baby step like in the movie "what about bob"...lol.

Things that kinda bring on DON'T... is my saying sweetie, honey, baby, I love you.....those get my arse ripped out, at least they did before. My goal short term would be to be on better terms come October 3rd as that is anniversary.

 

Hmmm, I've thought and thought and what I can come up with is for me to basically agree happily, do little things and DEFINITELY keep the house in order, reduce as much stress as I can from her by making "home" a comfy place where she ends her stressful day. Being that I work now, often I can't cook but I wanna have her coming home something to relax. I feel if I can help her to take the edge off after a hard stressful day, that in itself will enable her to feel better.

 

Ideas? Please...

 

bob

[pedwin]

Bob,

I have just read your posts. You have really had a horrible time, I am so sorry.

I would like to address the patch issue. I have a rare blood disease and have always been on pain meds. Six months ago I wanted to get off all the meds and was put in the hospital. I was told while I was in there that getting off the meds would be impossible so they suggested the patch. I have been on it for about 6 months and it has been a god send. Maybe you had a problem with it because of another med you were on mixed with the patch.

I think Your attitude about her cheating had to do with the fact that you are at home everyday and you feel she is out in the world meeting interesting people and she comes home to a bore. Welcome to the world of a house wife. I'll bet you there is not to many homemakers out there who has not gone thru this type of behavior at one time or another.Don't be so hard on yourself, and don't blame everything that happens to you on your brain injury. Your wife is probably feeling what most husbands feel like when they come home to a nagging wife. Your roles have just been reversed. Go easy on yourself!!!

Pedwin

P.S. HAS ANYONE OUT THERE HEARD FROM DAZED AND CONFUSED??? I HOPE HE'S OK!

[Poconobob]

The patch I was on was Duragesic 75's changed every 48 hrs and they "happened" to be recalled for leaking......plus and get this, I had a bioclusive cover over them because I reported I thought they leaked and consequently the a holes told me NOOOOO they aren't leaking, I'm sweating. Then I really got pounded with meds... Plus a stupid "new" doctor I had changed my other psyc meds because she thought it pertinent. Meanwhile, I contacted my old doc in florida who explained the mess, said get on a plane and come down. I did and they did all kinds of blood work, psyc tests, etc. I WAS highly addicted, and found to have had a counter reaction from the new med which contained a pain med in it......plus I was withdrawing from the med she had taken me off, my doc explained that you cannot just STOP SSRI meds effexor was the name.

PLUS he explained I never should have been on Duragesic since I had a brain injury.

 

Have a great day..

 

bob

[pedwin]

Hi there,

I hope you are getting your life a little bit in order.

The patches I am on are fentanyl 50, change every 72 hours. I have not had any problems but I don't take anything else with them. I remember when there wa a leakage with the F-50mg. I find this so much better than having to take the pills. Always making sure you have enough. You can't go on vacation until you get a you Rx in order. I hated it.

How is it going with your wife??? I know you must think all the posts are harsh but we have been there and done that.

Good Luck!

Pedwin

[Poconobob]

Ya, the been there, done that thing is exactly what I've read many have gone through......

 

I don't take the patches anymore....as a matter of fact I have a POUNDING, POUNDING HEADACHE with blurred vision today to the degree I cannot even wear my glasses but you know what, I'm aware of my surroundings, I can actually think again, and can reasonably deduce reality from fantacy/dillusion. The strongest med I take now is ibuprophen 800mg.....sometimes 3 per day but I can handle the pain.....I take them with STRONG coffee and drink the coffee with the pill until the pain subsides. Granted, I'm hard pressed to be a nice guy until the pain subsides but I've learned to force a smile in the face of adversity.

 

I never should have been prescribed the patch since a brain injury is #1 on the list of things where you should never have been prescribed them in the first place. Initially, the patches were a godsend, I loved 'em and seemed to be able to do anything.....the ole' 20 foot tall and bullet proof.....but as time went on, the dominance of needing the fentanyl grew and the pain came back, the dose increased, the time of absorbtion seemed to increase as it was empty after day 2. Stronger and stronger were the patches, I was even on 100's for a while and wrung with sweat, fell down the stairs, but was high as a kite......I sat at the pc for hours on end, days in fact without leaving the room. What did I do online??? I have no idea, don't remember, don't even remember buying some of the junk on ebay that I did. In the end, I was a walking veggie with an appitite for anger.....hell, I wouldn't even come downstairs for dinner, I'd ignore my family, be just a fixture in the house.

During the time on the patches, I lost two dogs to old age, it sucked so bad.....I couldn't stand it, no compassion from my wife.....she began to work longer hours I assume to escape the home life.

 

My wondering is that I now am so "normal", back to the old bob, back to the way I used to be precluding the accident. With one exception, I don't fuss much....

 

I take each day as it comes.....some harder than other's......

 

bob

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Poconobob

Well, I had a darn good laugh about that chick flick...lol, I could imagine the poor guy w/the wwII thingy.... I passed on what you said about the med school there, the ONLY benefit to Vanderbuilt is it is one year whereas there it is 2. Whatever she decides, I support her decision as a human being with enough sense to make rational decisions....I mean the part about me by the way. For so long, I only thought of poor me and not about her feeling had the table been turned which it was kinda but not obsessively, ya know?.... Anyway, I agree with ya on most of the dinner ending up romantic....I snuck that one in on her, I politely asked her out, told her to wear something nice and said we'll go grab a bite. What I mean by my saying "most agree"....well, her talking about school and moving and me going where was light hearted, not like a place where she wanted to bring it up because we couldn't fight. Know what I mean? I took it as she felt sorta uncomfortable at first and said that to let me know things aren't kosher so don't do anything like hold hands. I kept my distance as if it were a first date..... You do know THIS was the very first time we've gone out as a couple to a romantic place, had such decent conversation, and it seems sooooo natural. Nah, I'm not jumping to conclusions nor am I dissmissing or discounting what she said, I'm just saying she wasn't NASTY as she has been. Quite meek for her, the 100% Irish temper and all....lol.

 

Hey, I go buy chick flick movies... I sleep through some although I'm inclined to say I'd watch a good one if I had not worked all day.

 

I have gone back and looked at some of my old posts.....WOW, I was pretty messed up mentally, I obsessed and I have no excuse, and I wanted to also say I'm sorry as I wasn't exactly cognisent.

 

Here is what I've gathered, I spent 2 hours just reading what I put, some skipping around but read some crap I wish I had not posted. Some very valid things "were" bothering me, most of which I see now as a weakness instead of strength. I also saw paranoia, and fantacy... It seemed like I was like she was, one day all is fine, the next all was not, the next I was paranoid, the next down right awful...sheesh. Nuff said.....

I see why even IF I laid on the excuse of the drugs that she was over it......

 

Hey, I wanna change subjects and ask about something my doctor touched on but wouldn't expound as he is a bit of an ego maniac and wanted me to write down new goals before talking about it. Basically he thinks that she is using everything she has and can't do it, postpone as she is still riddled with feelings which have caused her great distress. Duh, she has an ulcer... No but I mean he said for me to write down a story like goal of doing good over bad. WHAT the heck did he mean? I asked and he said for me to think about it.

 

Does he mean to set a series of stairs toward inching into a better situation? Heck, I thought about that OR it could be he meant for me to outweigh my bad points with good ones....

Either way, come Monday, he'll call me and I'll be SO much in his bad graces if I don't figure it out. Man, I don't know if I've mentioned it but he YELLS at me when I talk about "my wife this, my wife that"....whew, obviously I don't go there.

 

Which brings me to a final question or opinion? Do you think I have "any" hope to outweigh my bad with doing good? I mean not like BUYING her stuff as that is plasticy things which anyone can do. I mean sweet things.....

things that you don't necessarily buy ... I was thinking of maybe buying her.... oops, my bad. Seriously, I'm gonna baby step like in the movie "what about bob"...lol.

Things that kinda bring on DON'T... is my saying sweetie, honey, baby, I love you.....those get my arse ripped out, at least they did before. My goal short term would be to be on better terms come October 3rd as that is anniversary.

 

Hmmm, I've thought and thought and what I can come up with is for me to basically agree happily, do little things and DEFINITELY keep the house in order, reduce as much stress as I can from her by making "home" a comfy place where she ends her stressful day. Being that I work now, often I can't cook but I wanna have her coming home something to relax. I feel if I can help her to take the edge off after a hard stressful day, that in itself will enable her to feel better.

 

Ideas? Please...

 

bob

 

Bob,

I have no earthly idea what your doctor meant....I'll read over this for a while and maybe I'll get a clue (I'm sorry I'm not being of any help with this!). His being an ego maniac isn't very helpful to you when you need to understand things, plus, I don't like him yelling at you, that doesn't seem helpful! Do you need to find someone else???

 

I read the posts you have posted since you responded to my last post. It brought up some of the reasons why you are where you are right now. It's not about "fault", because you weren't aware of alot of things BUT it definitely points to "cause" and the addiction and the actions that went with it, seem to be the cause of her wanting out. As for her behavior now, she's had her time to be angry at what was going on but you have apologized and shown her you are changing, now how long it might take for her to understand or if she is past that point, is hard to say.

 

I don't understand why leaving would be on her mind when y'all are out having a nice, semi-romantic dinner.

 

You can't read her mind (which could be a blessing or a curse) but yours or the doctor's second guessing why she is doing what she's doing, isn't going to work and hasn't worked. The only way you are going to know why she wants to stay in that house in a room-mate situation till next summer (even if things are a high percentage of better) is to flat out ask her. Wondering, second guessing, avoiding and rationalizing hasn't worked, giving her some space MAY work but eventually the situation will need to be point blank discussed and asked about. I understand your giving her time to see "the new Bob" and I've told you myself to not push and let her breathe but if things stay pleasant and she "seems" to still want to stay and loves you, ask her why her actions speak one way but her thoughts of the future speak another...

 

I do wish you'd make a friend (guy) that you could hang out with and just talk to. I read that men live longer when they have had friendships with other men. I know you have buddies in Florida but you need to find someone there to connect to and hang with!

 

Again, I'm sorry that I don't know what your doctor wanted...let me know, I'm curious. He better not yell at you!!

 

Another thing to consider, before the accident and before the job promotion, perhaps she was completely co-dependent of you......and still has traces of that within her....

 

Take care and have a good day!

[Poconobob]

After going through MANY Psychologists up here, some who'd not understand me as in they were hindu, korean and especially with the time I was detoxing, it sucked because they'd not understand. I mean between talking scattered, talking in circles and being confused, they'd fuss at me and further mess up my meds. The thing that I could always count on was my ole' doc in florida, they immediately saw I was over medicated and detoxing and depressed, confused, and in danger of suicide. Not that I'd do it so much as potential existed to think of the suicide option....anyway, to get through my thick head and thick personality, he'd yell at me to LISTEN, to follow what he was saying and STOP talking about my wife and talk about me. That is what I meant by he yells....

I'm scared to change doctors as even though my doctor is in Florida and councels me over the phone, believe it or not, he knows me better than I know myself. A point of interest I might mention is when I had to fly down to have counseling, he saw me every single day for two weeks! My insurance only paid for one visit per week and he went out of his way to help whereas here, the next appointment would be in a week or two or three even.....and they'd be more concerned about how it billed than how it was going with my life. It sucked bad, in fact had they listened to what i was saying, they would have picked up on the fact I never shoud have been on fentanyl.

 

By the way, I had to go back on Zyprexa, I was VERY sleepy on it as it slows the system down....case in point, he called me yesterday and rheemed me out for stopping without telling him..... The drug is for bi polar....but also is prescribed for good mental thought. I had not had irrational thinking so I thought I could stop that one med.....as I spoke with my primary care doc who said it was okay but low and behold once again, another local yahoo was wrong. Bad wrong..... Had I stayed off it for a period, irrational thinking would have certainly returned.... because some dependance comes of the Zyprexa. My problem was I was gaining weight....and the weight I gained was depressing sort of....and I needed to lose and I saw it as a way to help lose weight, not keep my psychological thinking in order.

 

I hope this better explains the thinking behind keeping my ole' doctor....

 

Things at home are kinda normal.....she is nice to me at least and not snapping at me anymore. She isn't sneaking around either which I know she did before; even my doc said ALL can't be a hallucination... But the past is the past.

His thinking of what she is thinking is because I told him what was going on, why oh why is she not leaving and asked if I should push her to leave. He said no then said "what if" she is having second thoughts......what if she sees the difference but cannot move towards keeping things alive with the limited relationship until she decides what to do.

 

Vivian, I have a true problem, it is simple, I don't ask for pity....however, I am often compelled to want to lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek. I don't wanna push her away..... it is just that things seem so normal, and so natural to kiss her... But, she is obsessing on now leaving her job, of moving to another state once our son graduates. Our son by the way is elated that mom isn't moving out so even if I wanted her to leave so we could have space, it was seemingly now impossible. What alternative do I have?

What "was" my hope was she'd move out, see that the grass isn't greener on the other side, see that I'm the sole she wants to try to keep forever. Stupid huh.....gripping for something that might or might not happen.....but I see that if she moves to another state, it is harder for me to cope with than having her close by and my keeping in contact with her.

 

Make sense?

 

I can't explain much better. sorry...

 

I'm having trouble swollowing that she'll move to another state in a year for school..... I did see she looked up florida schools but even so, it will be hard to see her go away.

 

What is harder is that I have no affection.....she might as well be a he.....lol.....

 

I want to do the right thinking, leave her alone except for doing the right things always and as my doc said IF she is having second thoughts on the entire leaving thing, it will be that much harder, it will be that much more difficult to leave, and point blank, she might not. He didn't think of what she was thinking, he proposed a what if scenario....

He said look at the facts, she has not left, she has tried to leave and couldn't ...... she uses what he calls an excuse of not wanting to sign a lease as the excuse.

He said IF someone wants out bad enough they find a way to go, a way to leave....

 

bob

[Poconobob]

"I don't understand why leaving would be on her mind when y'all are out having a nice, semi-romantic dinner.

 

You can't read her mind (which could be a blessing or a curse) but yours or the doctor's second guessing why she is doing what she's doing, isn't going to work and hasn't worked. The only way you are going to know why she wants to stay in that house in a room-mate situation till next summer (even if things are a high percentage of better) is to flat out ask her. Wondering, second guessing, avoiding and rationalizing hasn't worked, giving her some space MAY work but eventually the situation will need to be point blank discussed and asked about. I understand your giving her time to see "the new Bob" and I've told you myself to not push and let her breathe but if things stay pleasant and she "seems" to still want to stay and loves you, ask her why her actions speak one way but her thoughts of the future speak another... "

 

 

 

Leaving so much isn't on her mind as it is going back to school, finishing with Nurse Practicioner in a year. She studies all the time right now. It was my doc who said she'll have compelling desires to study up until her enterance test, then 8 months or more to think about it all.

 

Yep, I know I have to stay as room mate and see. Things aren't a high percentage of better, just higher percentage of being more open.

 

My talking to her about things has never worked thus far, she recants back on what she said before as in she is over it....

 

I will in the right situation ask why her actions speak one way and thoughts another....timing will be the key to that conversation.

 

Well, I'm off to have my blood pressure checked, see what can be done about my being so tired.....

 

bob

[VivianLee]

Hey Bob,

Like I told you about 5 pages ago, don't ever go cold turkey off your meds!! It can be very dangerous. Did you tell your doctor about the weight gain? If so what did he say? If not, discuss it with him.

 

Okay, I understand why you'd choose to stay with this doctor, especially if he's helped/helping you.....

 

I totally understand needing affection and it makes me so sad for you that you are being denied that at this time....we need love, affection and passion as human beings but as people that are in love. I wish I knew what would make it magically change but I don't know, I'm sorry!

 

As things get better, maybe she will work out a way to become a Nurse Practicioner and live with you. Would you be willing to move to where she wants to attend school??

 

Don't lose hope, things are improving, they are better than they were a week, a month, several months ago....every week lately, things have improved for you and for your marriage...it's tiny baby steps BUT it's something. Plus, out of all this, you got yourself straightened out AND are getting better and back to the person you really are....sometimes we have horrible bad times that cause good things to come out of it!!

 

Now, repeat after me "I will never stop my medicines cold turkey or without the advice of a good physician".....Bob, are you saying this?? Hold up your right hand while you say it?? Come on!! hehehe!!

 

Take care!!

 

P.S. How is the blood pressure??

[Poconobob]

Hi....

 

I actually asked this time to see the Nurse Practicioner at the primary care docs office, he is BETTER than the doctor, besides the doc was the one who put me on those horrible patches. Anyway, KC, the Nurse Practicioner took the blood pressure and it was 190/70 ---and my weight is the same as last time even though I have not been eating much. I used to wonder how people could be fat and not eat; well lesson learned, I know how now...

He told me there are "tricks" to the Zyprexa, there is a combo to help stop weight gain but advised me to seek the help of a local Psychiatrist for the script as he doesn't feel right tinkering with meds that are working with only the weight issue as side effect. I was referred to a new doc up state near where I work, he said he is very good and judging from the name, he at least is not of foreign decent....notin' against 'em but as I said before they don't understand me, at least that is my experience. I did find I had a sinus infection which resulted in my headaches and forehead pain so I got a shot and some MORE pills for that, argggg, I have a steady diet of pills.

 

I repeated what you said over and over, lol.....no not laughing at you or the promise but moreover lightly laughing at what you said to say. I won't stop anymore.....the only change in the script is I'm to take it once a day instead of twice therefore it is cut in half. That by the way was per my other doc in florida's orders....and I got a script for 2.5mg to take twice daily once I use all the 5mg once daily. He basically said I should NEVER stop something, I called and got a lecture on that one......

 

Yesterday, I had a day off, kept busy all day, tried to knap....but I wasn't as tired as I was, I mowed an acre of grass, cleaned the house, went to grocery, got a hair cut, bought some new fu fu Armani cologne, visited my male friend Jerry, my high school pal....and talked and talked for hours. Though we don't talk about my marriage, we touched on it and he shared with me that sometimes they are at odds and that once they almost broke up.

 

As for moving.....HELL YA I'D GO...I'd go where she moves in a heartbeat, nooooo problem. As a matter of fact I could go to Alabama ez and hook up with Moultry Nissan where I know the owners and get a job easy in management. They knew me from when I first got into the car business back in the 80's and knew of me when I was manager of my own store and were impressed at my results....it has been a few years since talking to 'em but I'm sure they are still in business. If she were to go to Tennessee, I'd go just because I want to keep the "family" close together.....heck I'd even live separate just so our son has mom close by.

 

For some reason she keeps emphasizing that she will only have time for school, no social life, just study hard for a year if she goes to vanderbuilt or bamma....then again she has said before she isn't in the market for a man, isn't in the market to get hooked up again. Just wants to go to school......

WHY does she keep telling me this?

 

As for getting along, Vivian, I say this with an open mind..... She isn't being sneaky anymore, is at work all the time now, doesn't hide when she dresses cuz she isn't wearing panties, she wears her cotton undies.....this has been for a month now, which seems all of a sudden since coming home crying one Saturday after an "appointment" she had and wouldn't say with whom or where.......and plus her boss is leaving, moving to Texas.... ever since that announcement, she has decided to leave work stating she doesn't like it anymore, and it is "just a job"..... I only wonder what happened as she isn't telling me what happened, isn't giving a reason other than she said everyone is leaving and new people are coming in.

Being of sound mind, I don't wonder, I'm just saying there is an irony here.....nothing deeper than that, I assure you I'm just "talking" out loud.

 

What would possess someone from moving, having a place to go, then going on vacation to visit her mom, coming home still wanting to move, goes to work, next day LITERALLY changing her entire future as in going from staying and working there to now leaving in a year. Stating she wants to stay until our son Graducates.....

 

well, gotta go to work....

 

bob

[VivianLee]

Hey Bob (I'm quoting you then replying under the quotes)

 

 

I actually asked this time to see the Nurse Practicioner at the primary care docs office, he is BETTER than the doctor, besides the doc was the one who put me on those horrible patches. Anyway, KC, the Nurse Practicioner took the blood pressure and it was 190/70 ---and my weight is the same as last time even though I have not been eating much. I used to wonder how people could be fat and not eat; well lesson learned, I know how now...

He told me there are "tricks" to the Zyprexa, there is a combo to help stop weight gain but advised me to seek the help of a local Psychiatrist for the script as he doesn't feel right tinkering with meds that are working with only the weight issue as side effect. I was referred to a new doc up state near where I work, he said he is very good and judging from the name, he at least is not of foreign decent....notin' against 'em but as I said before they don't understand me, at least that is my experience. I did find I had a sinus infection which resulted in my headaches and forehead pain so I got a shot and some MORE pills for that, argggg, I have a steady diet of pills.

 

Hey there Bob!

Sounds like you got a good checkup by someone that knows what they are doing! 190/70 isn't bad at all!! Your lower number is lower than mine!! I'm glad there is a combo to stop the weight gain! You work out too don't you?? I'm glad the headache was sinuses and not a result of your accident...I was worried that was the cause...

 

 

 

I repeated what you said over and over, lol.....no not laughing at you or the promise but moreover lightly laughing at what you said to say. I won't stop anymore.....the only change in the script is I'm to take it once a day instead of twice therefore it is cut in half. That by the way was per my other doc in florida's orders....and I got a script for 2.5mg to take twice daily once I use all the 5mg once daily. He basically said I should NEVER stop something, I called and got a lecture on that one......

 

It's okay to laugh...that's what I meant for you to do, feel free to laugh at me, I'm a source of entertainment to my hubby and our friends since I tend to blurt out whatever hits me or stick my foot in my mouth! It's all good!! Sorry you got a lecture from me AND your doctor.... but it's great that you are able to lower your dosage!

 

Yesterday, I had a day off, kept busy all day, tried to knap....but I wasn't as tired as I was, I mowed an acre of grass, cleaned the house, went to grocery, got a hair cut, bought some new fu fu Armani cologne, visited my male friend Jerry, my high school pal....and talked and talked for hours. Though we don't talk about my marriage, we touched on it and he shared with me that sometimes they are at odds and that once they almost broke up.

 

Gosh you got busy! Good job!! (fu fu Armani cologne?? LOL!!Shoot that stuff smells DANG GOOD!!) I'm glad you hooked up with your friend Jerry, you need some camaraderie with people your age and gender.....did it help some? Even if you didn't discuss your situation??

 

 

As for moving.....HELL YA I'D GO...I'd go where she moves in a heartbeat, nooooo problem. As a matter of fact I could go to Alabama ez and hook up with Moultry Nissan where I know the owners and get a job easy in management. They knew me from when I first got into the car business back in the 80's and knew of me when I was manager of my own store and were impressed at my results....it has been a few years since talking to 'em but I'm sure they are still in business. If she were to go to Tennessee, I'd go just because I want to keep the "family" close together.....heck I'd even live separate just so our son has mom close by.

 

For some reason she keeps emphasizing that she will only have time for school, no social life, just study hard for a year if she goes to vanderbuilt or bamma....then again she has said before she isn't in the market for a man, isn't in the market to get hooked up again. Just wants to go to school......

WHY does she keep telling me this?

 

Maybe she'll come to Bama if she pursue's her degree....(that's great you'd go wherever she goes!! that should mean alot to her!!) Yes, there are tons of car dealerships in Bama, especially in B-ham (Lexas and Mercedes plus a bizzillion others)....around this state, we have a church or a car dealership on every corner... you can get your soul saved and a new car all in one day!! I'd recommend living outside Birmingham (Jefferson Co) though...Shelby Co is growing like crazy but is a good, clean and safe place to live. Your son could attend here also!! Okay I sound like a public service announcement for Alabama....I didn't mean to....

 

I don't know why she is emphasizing the whole "no need for a new man" unless she is just wanting to reassure that is not why she is moving...

 

As for getting along, Vivian, I say this with an open mind..... She isn't being sneaky anymore, is at work all the time now, doesn't hide when she dresses cuz she isn't wearing panties, she wears her cotton undies.....this has been for a month now, which seems all of a sudden since coming home crying one Saturday after an "appointment" she had and wouldn't say with whom or where.......and plus her boss is leaving, moving to Texas.... ever since that announcement, she has decided to leave work stating she doesn't like it anymore, and it is "just a job"..... I only wonder what happened as she isn't telling me what happened, isn't giving a reason other than she said everyone is leaving and new people are coming in.

Being of sound mind, I don't wonder, I'm just saying there is an irony here.....nothing deeper than that, I assure you I'm just "talking" out loud.

 

Dang....I don't want to open wounds...but it does all sound a little suspect....whatever was going on, it isn't now....do you truly feel it's ironic or does that make you feel your suspicions were on the mark?? Can you live with that question in the back of your mind??

 

But let's think for a second....are you positive she NEVER wears the lacies, ever?? Cause if she is like most woman (this is a little personal) we tend to wear the "granny panties" during "that time of the month" we don't want to ruin our lacies!!

 

Maybe she had a serious crush on this guy and he had one on her but he didn't want things to go further so he said no more friendship and he was moving......she may had thought about going there but was stopped....

It would be best to not think on that too much if you want to deal with the rest.....she may have been close to having an affair or having an emotional affair....that doesn't mean she didn't love you or that she would do it again....and it's not an excuse but when you were so sick on the drugs and not paying her any attention and such....the attention from the boss would have flattered her...BUT that part is over (if there were anything)....

 

This isn't going to make you feel good....but she may need to mourn the loss of friendship with this guy and get over him. Even if it was an emotinal thing or a crush....she will mourn it like any other loss a person experienced....Texas is a long way from PA....maybe he'll run into the chick my hubby cheated on me with (yeah she lives in TX) and they can make each other miserable! LOL! That was ugly...I'm sorry!

 

What would possess someone from moving, having a place to go, then going on vacation to visit her mom, coming home still wanting to move, goes to work, next day LITERALLY changing her entire future as in going from staying and working there to now leaving in a year. Stating she wants to stay until our son Graducates.....

 

I don't know what posseses people to do anything that they do but it could be that her original decisions were based on emotions she was feeling at the time and now that things have changed, she is backtracking or trying to figure out what's best for all instead of herself....Maybe that's it!

 

Have a good day at work! I hope today is a good day for you!

 

Viv

[jmargel]

Hey.. I'm back.. Can't write much now, I'll post some tomorrow.

[Poconobob]

Well, done with another day of slavery at the car lot...he he; I had a long day....actually a long month.

 

Had no problem reducing the med, and so far no ill feelings with anger or anything, and Vivian I mean nothing.....not even about "the situation" of her boss and all, to me, the past is the past, hey I got hooked on drugs against all advice, I was an a hole, I was a lot of things that I'm not now. I mean I'm a lot different.....just in talking with my son, he tells me how "cool" I am now. I can't remember the last time I acted out in anger with yelling, even if he did something extremely irritating (as a teenager can be)...argg

 

Cathy and I talked, mostly about getting the house ready, etc...

 

ARGGGG, I gotta go, they want to go ouit to eat and I'm being fussed at I'll finish later.....sheeshhhhh

 

bob

[Sheba]

Bob

 

You seem like a good guy who has had some bad times. I hope things work out for you in the fashion you would like. I suspect you have now passed through the "denial" and "anger" stages and moved towards acceptance....

 

There is no need for you to passively accept what life is handing you. Your commitment to your marriage is admirable. Many women and men hope to but never find a partner as dedicated as you have been. If your marriage fails, it will be a sad thing, but don't abandon your ideals - you might find another woman comes into your life who holds places a high value on those same ideals.

 

Read my thread about my partner's apparent "crush"... I am one of those people, like you, totally committed to a relationship with someone less committed.

 

Sheba

[jmargel]

Bob,

 

I still think you are holding onto a false hope. You are still very attached to your wife, and when July rolls around and she leaves, it's going to be that much harder. Why are you letting her stay when she still tells you she wants to leave eventually? Remember, don't look into things that she says. Take them at face value.

 

You taking her out to dinner, etc.. is just showing her your acceptance of everything. Why put your life on hold until July? She is still calling all the shots, if you realize it or not. I mean, how much anger can one person have over another to keep doing this? It's been months now.

 

It's your life so I won't tell you what to do with it, but you need to start focusing on yourself. And as long as she's not willing to goto counseling and work this out and she is still there, then the focus is still on her and the relationship.