geegirl Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 Another thing is we've had plentyyy of pretty horrible fights in our 6yrs together (no violence lol). As I know all couples do. BUT this is the worst ever. I have actually pushed him sooo far from being my stubborn, have to prove a point self, that he has actually lost the in love feelings for me which i'll prob never understand. He is the type that always said there should be no breaks from love, he always wanted to be with me, he said its always 'us' and not 'i' or 'me'...also, if i were to leave for a week or however long, what if he was actually comfortable without me there? Or what if he really doesn't miss me?? I don't wanna bring on something i wasn't forced to do. He never has asked me to leave. He said he was fine with the space i was giving. But Maybe I should stay at my moms for the weekend as hard as that'll be... I certainly realize, after this loongggg ass week of nothing but time to reflect, things i should have sacrificed for him no problem, etc.. I see the big picture just hopefully not too late. I neeed his love back. I'm so lonely and my heart just aches and aches WHY isn't he feeling lonely on the couch by himself every night??????? I just miss him so much. & we're in the same house. Lol. We're not arguing. But we're barely talking either. I make us dinner when i have the energy to & he eats it, laundry, etc..... Its like we're friends/roommates I can sense from your post that even though you believe you have reflected on your issues, you're of this mentality that he should just get over it and go back to what it was because that's how you want it to be to suit your needs. The man is hurt and confused. If your R has been this way for the past 6 years, that is a lot of pent up frustration and hurt. Granted he should have communicated his feelings, it is still not easy to just put a smile on your face and say all is fine just because you now want it to go back to normal. You don't understand how he lost that loving feeling? It's simple really. When love turns to ugly, overtime, it can completely change how you feel about the person and the relationship. I don't know how he behaved in the R, and I am sure he was not a saint, but if we are talking about what you expressed as what contributed to the halting of this R, resentment and hurt can change a person's feelings. I went through the same thing. Yes, at one point during the R, he probably meant everything he said about never giving up and how it's a "we" not "i" R, but things change. Feelings change. You can't expect to dish whatever you dished and have him always be the man he was, did you? Actions have repercussions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Npeterz Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 I can sense from your post that even though you believe you have reflected on your issues, you're of this mentality that he should just get over it and go back to what it was because that's how you want it to be to suit your needs. The man is hurt and confused. If your R has been this way for the past 6 years, that is a lot of pent up frustration and hurt. Granted he should have communicated his feelings, it is still not easy to just put a smile on your face and say all is fine just because you now want it to go back to normal. You don't understand how he lost that loving feeling? It's simple really. When love turns to ugly, overtime, it can completely change how you feel about the person and the relationship. I don't know how he behaved in the R, and I am sure he was not a saint, but if we are talking about what you expressed as what contributed to the halting of this R, resentment and hurt can change a person's feelings. I went through the same thing. Yes, at one point during the R, he probably meant everything he said about never giving up and how it's a "we" not "i" R, but things change. Feelings change. You can't expect to dish whatever you dished and have him always be the man he was, did you? Actions have repercussions. Feelings change I know. But is there hope for him to get them back while we're apart?? Is there a chance things can be the way they were again and we make it work? It's been 8days today & it still hurts soo so bad. I wish he would take my pain away Why doesn't he miss holding me or anything?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Npeterz Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 I don't know how to explain it any better other than we have already said. he said he needs SPACE,, space means being away from you so he can think more clearly. It's difficult to have SPACE when the issues are in the same house regardless if you hide in the bedroom,, your still there!!!! Giving him SPACE will give him and you time to refelect on the problems and again will likely make him miss you, absense makes the heart grow fonder. Space will not push you two further apart,, it will only HELP with the issues you two are dealing with. Have you ever been in a fight with an old b/f and you were mad and pissed off and he was there bugging you? Did'nt you feel like hopping in your car and leaving for a short time just to think without him being in your face? Also, he has alottt of space and time to reflect while he's working. He drives all day. Sometimes 3 hrs away. So he has 6hrs of driving to think and reflect.. How can I prove to him that he can trust me in everything I've realized in the 8days I've had to reflect? I need him to know that this is what I want & I'll never do anything to jeopardize it again Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 Feelings change I know. But is there hope for him to get them back while we're apart?? Is there a chance things can be the way they were again and we make it work? It's been 8days today & it still hurts soo so bad. I wish he would take my pain away Why doesn't he miss holding me or anything?? You're wanting him to feel what you feel and what you want him to feel. It will not and cannot be that way. He is a separate individual going through a host of emotions that are not yours. He is expressing what he feels and you cannot change that. I don't know if there is hope that he can get his feelings back while you are apart. He may or he may not. I don't know if there is hope that he can get his feelings back while you both are in close proximity. He may or he may not. You are so desperate for an answer that no one can give you except your husband. He doesn't miss holding you because he is hurt and feeling resentment. When you resent someone, do you want to hold them and feel loving feelings? No. That is what he is feeling. He can't turn off and on like switch because you want him to make you feel better. You're asking for the impossible right now. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 sounds like you may have cheated - did you? be honest... you seem to be avoiding stating what - exactly - YOU did to "push him away." what was it that YOU did? Link to post Share on other sites
Livelovelearn Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 Please do not be naive.. be open to all options..yes he could possibly be cheating..in my experience..my first love of three years whom i adored and always said he would never cheated on me..came to me and told me he didnt feel the same anymore and he needed space..of course i fought on this and resisted and pushed him away!!! i realized had i given him space he would of came to me since the days i did give him a break he did reach out to me...also i found out that two months before we broke up he had met someone else online..and he had asked her out the first time they met each other ..so they were in a relationship and all the same time he was telling me just give him time to figure **** out...but he had it figured out..so dont be a stupid woman blind by love..use your head!! and leave him alone try a month ..usually i find men miss you after 1.5 month to 3 months or atleast they get curious Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 on a side note - be honest with yourself first. he isn't your husband - yet. he is your boyfriend... or, if you have a ring and a wedding date - the man you intended to marry. and a baby? proper order tends to think that a baby may be best to be a consideration when you two are married... and can bring a baby into a healthy, stable environment. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 Also, he has alottt of space and time to reflect while he's working. He drives all day. Sometimes 3 hrs away. So he has 6hrs of driving to think and reflect.. How can I prove to him that he can trust me in everything I've realized in the 8days I've had to reflect? I need him to know that this is what I want & I'll never do anything to jeopardize it again Again, you want him to work on your timeline. Not happening. I know he is not a saint and probably has equal part in the downfall of this BUT I'm saying this from what you have written. 8 days of you reflecting DOES NOT equal the amount of time that all this resentment has been building up and eating away at him. You could spend a year reflecting but if his feelings have changed overtime because of what has happened, then it has changed. No amount of you reflecting and regretting is going to change how he feels. You can turn over a new leaf and be the model partner, but if he can't find it within him, you cannot force it. At some point you are going to have to tell him that you need an answer as it is unfair to keep you hanging this way as well. He either wants it or does not. But at least, step away and go and stay somewhere else for a little bit so that you both can make a uniformed decision. Tell him that you are giving him time to think and that he has to make a decision and not leave you this way indefinitely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Npeterz Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Again, you want him to work on your timeline. Not happening. I know he is not a saint and probably has equal part in the downfall of this BUT I'm saying this from what you have written. 8 days of you reflecting DOES NOT equal the amount of time that all this resentment has been building up and eating away at him. You could spend a year reflecting but if his feelings have changed overtime because of what has happened, then it has changed. No amount of you reflecting and regretting is going to change how he feels. You can turn over a new leaf and be the model partner, but if he can't find it within him, you cannot force it. At some point you are going to have to tell him that you need an answer as it is unfair to keep you hanging this way as well. He either wants it or does not. But at least, step away and go and stay somewhere else for a little bit so that you both can make a uniformed decision. Tell him that you are giving him time to think and that he has to make a decision and not leave you this way indefinitely. Ok. I'm going to do just that. Enough ppl have told me & he has confirmed that being alone in the house for a bit will help him to figure things out & how life would be alone without me. Boy I'm terrified of for the worst But I can still hope for the best & hope that he believes me when I say I have truly realized my actions that affected him to this point & I want to work on everything together as a team & that I'm so deeply in love & I can't imagine my life without him ALLL the freak'n Holidays are coming up!! Ahhhh How depressing. O mannn. But I'm gonna be very selfless and leave for a couple days not even sending a txt message & leave him so his self. I hope he misses me and doesn't just think about the negative things & not ever being able to trust me, cuz I know he can if he gives me anotehr chance to prove it. I have absolutely No clue how this is gonna go, its never been this bad to where he isn't in love with me anymore... Wish me luck. I'm off to my mom's tomorrow for a couple days to sit and wonder and think and miss my home & my animals that I can't take cuz she lives in a town home I'll miss them very much too. My baby (doggy) is up my butt & she's gonna miss me bad She's been by my side in the bed with me the whole time. I love her so much! Ty everyone. Yes, I'm sure you can tell I'm quite stubborn Lol. I wasn't sure if it was the right move. To me I think it'd push us farther but I'm gonna listen and do it! Be strong! I'll try my best. Good night everyone. Ty for your time on me. Its sooo much appreciated. You're alll wonderful Much♥ to u all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Npeterz Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 sounds like you may have cheated - did you? be honest... you seem to be avoiding stating what - exactly - YOU did to "push him away." what was it that YOU did? Actually, you're right on. I did cheat a couple years ago. Its hard to admit. Its out of character for me. Thats not who I am. I'm not a cheater. I dont ever want to be looked at as one. We were having issues at the time, I was feeling neglected & it happened. No excuses. But one thing is for sure. It actually made me realize how much I do love him. Especially the fact he was able to stay with me after I denied it and lied about it when he 'felt' the symptoms that I might be and asked me if i was & what i was up to & not to talk to him, that our txt'ng was too extensive. He nailed it & I finally fessed up. But we stayed together & I thought we're happy. I loved him so much more. It really opened my eyes, especially him staying showed how much love he had for me. But, Like I said there's alot of stress on him right now as well. I want to be there to help him through it tho. Yes, there's alot of resentment I'm sure & the wonder if it'll happen again. I am positive it will not. I'm ready to settle down with him, get married and have a family. Hes perfect to me! Not in every way, of course, but the most important ways he is. I cant lose him. He is my whole world. I hope he will see that we CAN get through it. Ppl get through things if they sacrifice whats needed & show through actions and understanding. All of the things I am realizing, hoping its not too late Wish me luck. I'm going to give him what he wants. Space. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 I say I have truly realized my actions that affected him to this point you simply won't say what you did to cause this... being honest is critical when asking for help. what did you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Npeterz Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Please do not be naive.. be open to all options..yes he could possibly be cheating..in my experience..my first love of three years whom i adored and always said he would never cheated on me..came to me and told me he didnt feel the same anymore and he needed space..of course i fought on this and resisted and pushed him away!!! i realized had i given him space he would of came to me since the days i did give him a break he did reach out to me...also i found out that two months before we broke up he had met someone else online..and he had asked her out the first time they met each other ..so they were in a relationship and all the same time he was telling me just give him time to figure **** out...but he had it figured out..so dont be a stupid woman blind by love..use your head!! and leave him alone try a month ..usually i find men miss you after 1.5 month to 3 months or atleast they get curious In his case, he's not cheating. I know for a fact. Which is y its that much harder. Loyal, honest guys like him are so rare. I have to hold on to the great thing i have! I hope it won't take a month! Omg I'm stressing about leaving for a few days Torcherrr Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 did you cheat or make him jealous? Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Npeters, If this were a movie, and I were writing the script... I too would inspire the obvious "space". You seem to be smothering your own posts with emotion and pain and I can only imagine the perceived pressures of being in the same household with you at this point. (that) weekend at your mother's may be just the sort of diversion you need to get used to. If he reacts positively to this 'space' you (MIGHT) succeed in affording him, it will be because he honors his own emotional investment IN you (probably) more than anything. THAT factor is also what would proooooooooobably inspire him to want to rekindle the best of times with you. Any additional smothering done by you at this point would have the adverse effect of NOT letting his mind free itself from the immediate environment in order for it to be reminded of his emotional investment to date IN you. Let me admit to you that this (giving him space) is NOT the easy part ... PS - Understand that were the force I mentioned NOT prominent in all good guys, they would just do whatever they could to 'trade-up' each time somebody viewed as 'better' flipped her hair, or wiggled her rump. You at this point just want nature to run its course withOUT the forces of your own present emotions serving only to drive his mind FROM (what we'll call) 'normalcy'. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucio Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Space is probably for us so that we don't say the wrong things in a fit of anger. When I have a fight I always say ok, leave me alone for 5 or 10 mins. Because I don't want to say something when I'm emotionally charged. Careless words can hurt forever. I don't know abt your him, but he might be the same. You know, thinking what to say. Space is not necessarily a bad thing, or an excuse. It can really be simply just a need. I know it's not easy for the receiving end, but losing it will make things worse. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
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