Torn between Two

[WantingSerenity]

I have and am continuing to hit brick walls. I was with a commitment phobic man for two years. Aside from his fears we had a wonderful relationship. I finally had enough of his back and forth life with me. It's not that he didn't want to be with me it was that he couldn't. I snapped about 2 1/2 months ago and "let him go" Or so I thought.

 

He has been in counseling since we broke up and has progressed with leaps and bounds. I am very proud of him. Since he has been in counseling he has decided he wants to totally committ to me, with marriage. He knows that he has totally torn my trust for him apart. I know bridges may get burnt but with work they can be rebuilt again. With love time and work.

 

Two months ago I came across a very old friend. We have known each other for 17 years. There was always an attraction between the two of us, but one neither of us ever acted upon due to our personal relationship curcumstances (we were both involved at the time). When ever I thought of him over the years, it was in the back of my mind that possibly one day we would be together. I have found out he felt the same way too. He has since told me that he is in love with me.

 

I have love for this man, I have always had love for him, though I am not sure the depth of my love for him. I have love for my ex too, and I had a deep forever kind of love at one time, but now no trust.

 

Now both men want to spend the rest of their lives with me and I am stuck in the middle not knowing what to do. I have never been married and I hold marriage very sacrid. I want to make the right choice, but I can't seem to get there. One minute I want it to work out with my ex and the very next I am dreaming of the other one. My being alone right now is just confusing me even more !!!!

 

I'm not sure if I have even summed everything up in this short message, but some feedback, of any type sure would help.

[bluechocolate]

Why is it that you have no trust in your ex? Is there more to this than just him not being able to commit for the first 2 years of your relationship? Seeing as he has sought counselling on the matter and is now ready to have the life with you that you were looking for I fail see how your trust has been torn apart.

 

As for this other guy - how long was it before you saw each other again? It seems strange to me that 2 weeks after dumping Man #1 you're talking about spending the rest of your life with Man #2. You "loved" each other when each were unavailable. I think it's a huge leap to now say that you can have a happy life-long marriage because you had an unrequited love for this old friend. In my opinion you would need to discover each other just as if you were going out for the first time.

 

You need to sort this out fast though. There's Man #1 going to counselling and professing love and marriage to you, which was just what you wanted. I imagine that if you go for Man #2 your ex will have an extremely hard time committing to anyone ever again.

[meanttolive4ever]

you have to have trust..if you dont have that then you have nothing

[WantingSerenity]

The trust was lost when he broke up with me and 3 days later had another women in his apartment. Oh yes there is so much more to the story. This took place in Sept of last year. Around Thanksgiving he started calling me telling me how much he missed me. I held back. Dec. we got back together and we spent two weeks together over the course of Christmas.

 

Two days after Christmas he broke up with me again and went back to FL to be with this person whom he states was his running away from me port ( that's harsh but it's the truth). In Feb I thought there might be a chance at reconciliation. He came to see me for a weekend only to turn around and run again. The running is not where I lost all of my trust (some though) it's the running to someone else that killed it. After that I was "DONE". He always talked of counseling and changing but he never did. Now is getting counseling and doing everything in his power to change. But I feel so numb to him sometimes.

 

As far as the "other" person is. I can not define my love for him, I'm not sure if it's a deep friendship love or something possibly more (He was a major major crush when were growing up). He says he has fallen in love with me and wants to build a life with me. He has not mentioned marriage at all, and I now see (reread) where that idea came from. I apoligize if I implied that he did, I was just typing like a vengence !! lol

 

Of course the ex is just beside himself over the behavior he has had for awhile, and all of the pain and hurt he put me through. And I sincerlly believe that he is sorry. But I can't get rid of that wall that I have put up toward him, and really don't know how to get it down.

 

When I was done in Feb. I meant I was done. But now I am not so sure I really was.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by WantingSerenity

The trust was lost when he broke up with me and 3 days later had another women in his apartment. Oh yes there is so much more to the story. This took place in Sept of last year. Around Thanksgiving he started calling me telling me how much he missed me. I held back. Dec. we got back together and we spent two weeks together over the course of Christmas.

 

Two days after Christmas he broke up with me again and went back to FL to be with this person whom he states was his running away from me port ( that's harsh but it's the truth). In Feb I thought there might be a chance at reconciliation. He came to see me for a weekend only to turn around and run again. The running is not where I lost all of my trust (some though) it's the running to someone else that killed it.

 

 

Ah, well that's very different then. In your first post you only mentioned that he was commitment phobic and I figured that that was why you had no trust in him, which I found strange.

 

I now understand why you feel like your trust has been torn apart. You still have to make a tough decision though, don't you? You can't string both men along. If you truly believe that your ex can change then I think you would both have to start counselling together in an effort to try and build that trust back again. But do you have enough left in you? Sounds like he's had his 3 times at bat (September, December & February) and has struck out, so to speak.

 

Good luck.