Having trouble making the transition from friend to girlfriend

[rderrick]

My friend and I, who I've been close with since high school (now both 23) have been hanging out a lot over the summer, mostly just the two of us. Before it used to just be among other friends but that started changing and it became just us. We both flirted with each other, nothing serious and eventually we both admitted that we've thought about becoming more than friends. After that, I was away for about a month. It's been over a month since I've gotten back. We still spend at least three or four days a week together and nothing seems to have changed. There's still the flirting and we sort of go on dates, but nothing official. And neither one of us is extremely good at communicating emotions. Aside from the flirting it hasn't gotten too physical. We touch and all and I've kissed her on the forehead once and the cheek but that's it. Part of me wants to just completely go all in, but the other part thinks taking our time is smart because we're close friends. I absolutely adore this girl and the last thing I want is to ruin a possible chance at a long-term relationship.

 

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I am 99% sure the feelings are still there on her end; she is still flirty and nothing has changed. Do I tell her that the time we've spent has been awesome and I want to further our relationship or do I let it progress without saying anything (and possibly risk taking way too long and losing my shot)? Like I said, neither one of us is very emotionally connected and I have never tried dating a friend. Thanks in advance.

[Ajax]

Well I'm not sure how helpful I can be, since I find myself in a similar situation. It's tough going from friends to more.

 

We've been friends for eight years and we have certain physical and emotional boundaries that I think we've created to maintain or friendship over the years... most of which one or the other of us was dating someone else. Now we've both been single for a while and we've started to get a but more flirty. I'm just afraid that I'm misinterpreting her.

 

I think my plan is to subtly break down the contact barrier. Not sure how I'll work up the nerve to do it, but I think that's got to come before any major talk happens.

 

I think some women's opinions would be helpful for both of us.

[somedude81]

Who's having trouble going from friend to girlfriend? You or her?

 

So you've been "together" a month and haven't even kissed yet? It's time to get things going.

[rderrick]

I wouldn't say we're "together." It isn't like she is a girl I just met and there were defined dates and so on. Whatever it is we have going on isn't labeled so I don't know where we stand. I do think that things are going slower than I had hoped obviously but I figured to let it come naturally and it is taking time. I think part of that is due to there being some barriers between us (result of being platonic friends for over ten years). Any perspective from a female possibly?

[somedude81]

So you don't even know where you stand. For all she knows, you just want to be friends with her.

 

How have you shown her that you want to be more than friends?

[rderrick]

I told her how I felt and she felt the same way, but that happened two months ago and I went out of town for a month after we had that talk. Aside from that and a little flirting (which is normal for any guy-girl friendship I guess), there hasn't been much to go off of.

 

So what would your recommendation be for me to do? I still truly believe that she still has the same feelings but I can't sit around and wait any longer. I am spending time with her tomorrow evening and then all day Saturday for a football game (not ideal but we'll have alone time after the game). Is there a way of approaching this without having me verbally ask her or are there better ways to show her? I really need to do something soon obviously.

[somedude81]

Try to kiss her tomorrow night.

 

Since you already told her how you feel, she wouldn't be shocked.

[Lorelai]

Kiss her!

 

Just do it. Don't build it up, just one of the times that you're itching to do it when you're alone together, do it. On the lips. (And no tongue! Feathery first.)

 

If she's into it, go from there.

[Ajax]

Kiss her!

 

Just do it. Don't build it up, just one of the times that you're itching to do it when you're alone together, do it. On the lips. (And no tongue! Feathery first.)

 

If she's into it, go from there.

 

And what if she's not into it? What kind of damage control is he looking at? And as a woman, have you ever had a guy friend interested in you, and what happened?

[rderrick]

Wow, okay so go for it? I think if the situation is right I might as well. Along the lines of what Ajax said, I have been hesitant because I don't want to have to deal with possible rejection (normally it wouldn't be a huge wall, but her being a friend changes it). But I think I have clear signs that I should make a move...hope it turns out well!

[somedude81]

Gambare!

 

(Japanese for good luck / go for it)

[WTRanger]

If she thinks you are "hanging out" like friends, then the kiss will fail in a most spectacular way. Since you use friendly terms like hang out, instead of dating, I'm betting she sees you as a friend and nothing else.

 

Before you try to kiss her, try asking her out on a date. Not to hang out, but a date. Try using the word date. Pay for the date as well, whatever it is you decided. But make sure it's a real date with real expectations, ie kiss at the end of the night.

 

Stop thinking you have a friendship to lose. YOU DON'T. Plain and simple, you've only been hanging around this girl in hopes that your feelings will pull her in. The sexual attraction and romantic feelings are what keeps you around, not some friendship. Lose the feelings and I'll bet my testicles you'll lose the connection. So, is that really a friendship? No. It's one person who is interested in another. Now it's just high time you find out for sure if she's interested in you.

 

And the best way, is the aforementioned real date. If she rejects that, it'll hurt but at least you'll save face from the "What the hell are you doing?!?!?" trying to kiss her moment. Men ask women on dates. Men sometimes get turned down and men do not fear rejection.

[MyT]

If she thinks you are "hanging out" like friends, then the kiss will fail in a most spectacular way. Since you use friendly terms like hang out, instead of dating, I'm betting she sees you as a friend and nothing else.

 

Before you try to kiss her, try asking her out on a date. Not to hang out, but a date. Try using the word date. Pay for the date as well, whatever it is you decided. But make sure it's a real date with real expectations, ie kiss at the end of the night.

 

Stop thinking you have a friendship to lose. YOU DON'T. Plain and simple, you've only been hanging around this girl in hopes that your feelings will pull her in. The sexual attraction and romantic feelings are what keeps you around, not some friendship. Lose the feelings and I'll bet my testicles you'll lose the connection. So, is that really a friendship? No. It's one person who is interested in another. Now it's just high time you find out for sure if she's interested in you.

 

And the best way, is the aforementioned real date. If she rejects that, it'll hurt but at least you'll save face from the "What the hell are you doing?!?!?" trying to kiss her moment. Men ask women on dates. Men sometimes get turned down and men do not fear rejection.

 

This is boss.

 

Real men indeed, I wouldn't have the testicles to do that >_>

[rderrick]

Situation just became a little more complicated, I think. Instead of seeing her twice this weekend, I only was with her once and I had hoped something would have happened that night but she had ran into her ex that she dated for years and hadn't seen since they broke up - which left her in tears afterwards.

 

For better or for worse I told her today that I had fallen for her - did not try and make a move or anything. I said I had strong feelings and I would like to have our relationship progress - obviously not asking for a relationship, but stressing that I wanted more than whatever this friendship had become. She said she really liked me but was not ready to jump into another relationship (I can only assume that running into her ex yesterday didn't help). I took this as a complete no to what I wanted. I said I guess I misinterpreted us and thought she had still felt the same. She then told me that she does share the same feelings I have but isn't ready to get seriously involved.

 

I am really lost at this point. She isn't someone who would drag me along if she has no intent of being with me, we've been close friends for years. She told me twice she shares the same feelings. And I do understand why she may not want something serious considering the results of the last two and what happened yesterday. But I still don't know what I am left to do. Knowing that she does have feelings is making me think to stay, she isn't someone who has lied to me (also we had a mutual friend who has tried to get with her multiple times before and she has been upfront and honest with him so I know she isn't lying about how she feels). But at the same time, how long can this go on? Just to add, she is the girl I would wait a long time for. Any thoughts appreciated...

[WTRanger]

Situation just became a little more complicated, I think. Instead of seeing her twice this weekend, I only was with her once and I had hoped something would have happened that night but she had ran into her ex that she dated for years and hadn't seen since they broke up - which left her in tears afterwards.

 

For better or for worse I told her today that I had fallen for her - did not try and make a move or anything. I said I had strong feelings and I would like to have our relationship progress - obviously not asking for a relationship, but stressing that I wanted more than whatever this friendship had become. She said she really liked me but was not ready to jump into another relationship (I can only assume that running into her ex yesterday didn't help). I took this as a complete no to what I wanted. I said I guess I misinterpreted us and thought she had still felt the same. She then told me that she does share the same feelings I have but isn't ready to get seriously involved.

 

I am really lost at this point. She isn't someone who would drag me along if she has no intent of being with me, we've been close friends for years. She told me twice she shares the same feelings. And I do understand why she may not want something serious considering the results of the last two and what happened yesterday. But I still don't know what I am left to do. Knowing that she does have feelings is making me think to stay, she isn't someone who has lied to me (also we had a mutual friend who has tried to get with her multiple times before and she has been upfront and honest with him so I know she isn't lying about how she feels). But at the same time, how long can this go on? Just to add, she is the girl I would wait a long time for. Any thoughts appreciated...

 

I'm sorry to kick you when you are down. But you failed big time in your approach to this whole situation.

 

Dude, you wanted a relationship. SO STOP DANCING AROUND THE ISSUE! You told her you had feelings and wanted a relationship, yet didn't directly ask for a relationship. Why! This makes you look soooo weak in her eyes. Every "Nice Guy" ever who has ever posted on this board whines about the jerk guys getting the girls. You know why? For better or for worse, they have confidence that you completely lack. They tell the girl things. They are out front with things. Yes, they are d-bags in an aggressive way. But you are just the same of a d-bag in the opposite meek way.

 

Here's another blow, but she's only telling you a half truth. She doesn't want a relationship with you. She forgot to add the with you part, but that's true. Trust me on this, if she meets someone tomorrow she'll have no problem with it. She won't be feeding Mr. Right some dumbass line. Remember the Brad Pitt rule. Would she say she's not ready for a relationship if it were him? No way. So while it's true she's not wanting a relationship, she forgot to say that that's only true if it's with you.

 

Even if she didn't meet her ex, you would have failed at this. Your best bet is to leave her alone and get on with your life. You aren't her friend. You don't care about protecting the friendship. All you want to do is hang around her, be her girlfriend with a penis, and pray against reality that the gravity of your feelings will suck her in. Your overbearing feelings for this girl will keep you in a pit of your own created hell if you don't get out of this right now.

 

If you wait for this girl, you will be a lonely man. You will live your life in a constant state of hell. Why not go seek someone who is actually emotionally and physically available for you?

 

She doesn't have the same feelings. She flat out does not. Accept that she's feeding you the oldest line in the book. If she did, nothing would stop the relationship from progressing. She just doesn't want to loose her male tampon, her golden boy. She gets everything she needs from you without any sort of sexual or emotional commitment. She's got a sweet deal going on. You listen to her crap, feed her ego with male attention, and she doesn't have to do anything in return. So, of course, she's going to feed you lines so you hang around like a little puppy dog.

 

Don't play this stupid game and just tell her that since she doesn't feel the same way the two of you cannot be around each other. Ask her since she doesn't feel the same way if she has any friends who would be interested in a date.

[conductorchris]

1. Be more physical than verbal. Kiss her. That doesn't have to mean anything more than what she wants ("not ready to get serious yet"). You can have a physical connection (even including sex, if that happens) without getting "serious" (which means committed in your minds.). There is a point where if you *don't* escalate things, that possibility passes and you will (both, probably) be left with regrets, but you can't change it.

 

2. You know she feels an intimate connection with you at some level, so if the kiss "fails" (it won't) an apology heals a lot, but you can do it in a way that still owns that you meant it. (You can say, "I'm sorry . . . but I meant it." or "I felt it".) You don't have to apologize for how you feel (and don't), even if you have to smooth over a miscue. That's all it is and it's ok to feel what you do. How she responds to you is her choice, but be confident in where you are.

 

3. There's a dance between stepping up and kissing her and be present to the feelings and not pressing to hard. You also want to give her space to respond and consider. Do be present. But step by step. And also back off a bit. Don't be always available. When you've taken a step forward, stop and let her come back to you. Attraction is a response to you which happens when she sees you at a little distance.

 

You want to make sure you transition this to a physical relationship! (ie, at least kissing) But then give her space to come to you. She'll want to. But let her. Then take the next step. You can, in steps, over time, attract her to you. It's not all or nothing.

[andybermudez7]

agree with advice given.

couple quick thoughts: 1 a girl is way more sensitive to the thought of transitioning or committing to a relationship than a kiss or whatever physical escalation she is open to. 2. building on 1, girls are more open to physical contact with more people than they would be to "real" relationships. This is why "bad boys" have great success. Girls aren't looking at them as relationship material, they are to have fun with, of course then they get hooked. 3. unless this girl is very young/insecure, even if it is a one and done kiss, it is not going to kill a friendship if it is actually a friendship. it is funny how guys, myself included, get into this mind trap. At most you might get a short term "confusion" reaction.

So bottom line, if it feels right, don't be afraid of going in for a kiss, but never lead in with relationship talk or really any talk, let her do the talking on that stuff...

[Rabid Ferret]

What WTRanger said up there is the harsh reality. I've been in your situation a lot more times than I want to remember. When you start treating the girl you want like your friend, she permanently tosses you into that category. Women don't want to date their friends.

 

It's going to be tough, but you need to let your focus move on. Otherwise you'll just end up miserable watching this girl start dating another guy.

 

And don't think I'm calling this girl manipulative or out to hurt you because you're friend zoned. You said she's not the type to do that and I believe you. I've had friends like that too. But they just hit that point where I simply wasn't attractive to them any more, but they craved the friendship I offered them because I did do all the friend things for them.

 

But yeah, all you're going to do is focus on how this girl doesn't see you as anything more, and that's not friendship. That's self torture. The only way you can be happy is if she starts dating you, you put yourself out there and she rejected you. And that's all you'll keep coming back to in your mind.

 

Don't stay because you hope she will come around. Women aren't like that. As long as any other man in the entire planet is giving them attention, they won't turn towards their pool of manfriends for dates. Which means you'd only get her if she were desperate and settling for you. And honestly, do you want that?

 

I know you don't want to hear this. You're probably thinking "She's different. I just need to be there for her and she'll realize I truly care about her." I thought that countless times, too. But the thing is, they knew I cared. And that was exactly why they would never see me as anything more than a friend. They didn't have to earn my care, because I willingly gave it to them without asking for anything in return.Going back just doesn't happen. It's a cruel fact of life.

Edited September 30, 2011 by Rabid Ferret

[delhidreamgirls1]

We've been friends for eight years and we have certain physical and emotional boundaries that I think we've created to maintain or friendship over the years... most of which one or the other of us was dating someone else. Now we've both been single for a while and we've started to get a but more flirty. I'm just afraid that I'm misinterpreting her.