Will it ever end?????

[wannabdone]

Okay ladies, I need to vent.

I went outside tonight to go run. I wasn't far from my house, maybe a couple of houses down from mine, and a car pulls up. I thought nothing of it and was putting my earphones in. The car sat there and... there he was. It shocked me so bad that I dropped my ipod. I didn't know what to say. So in order to seem "cool" and make small talk I said "did you get a new car?" His response was "i'm so sorry". I said "thats okay". He asked if I had checked my email and I said no. He said "check your email". I put my earphones in and he said again "i'm so very sorry i've hurt you", I looked at him and said "its okay, I forgive you, you can go on with your life now" and took off running. I must say I was impressed, I don't think I have sprinted that fast since the 80's. I went around the block and immediately sqwated by this tree and sobbed. There he was the man who has torn me to pieces for so long, and the man who I had loved standing in front of me. I felt bad I was so cold. But that was the only thing I could even be, I had no other option, even if I tried I couldn't. I just wanted to get away, I didn't want to cry in front of him, I couldn't let him see how much his presence still effected me. So as I am sqwating in front of one of the houses in my addition, here comes that car. He pulled back up and rolled down the window, I tried to wipe my tears as fast as I could, and he said "this isn't a new car, its a rental"....wtf??? seriously??? Did he not know I was just making small talk??? And he said "i'm not trying to start something up". I said "then get the **** out of my neighborhood". And he took off. I have been crying every since. I had been doing good, well better. And he invades my world and my territory. Funny thing is, he sits at home with his family now, and here I am alone and crying. I am so tired of being hurt, I am so tired of him popping in when he wants and to make himself feel better. I haven't felt this bad since the first couple of weeks of NC. And I swore to myself that I would never go back there. But I am devasted. I can not believe how hard that was to see him and how I feel bad that I was so rude and cold. I'm always the one who gets ran over and then feels bad.

 

I'm trying to do the right thing here. I really am. I'm already hurting enough with trying to do this, this is just too much. Sorry, I'm venting on here again. I really don't have anyone else to talk to.

 

Thanks for listening!!! and sorry for typo's....crying so much I can't see the computer screen.

[browndog319]

I'm sorry that hurt so much but you handled it like a champ! You really did. You will feel better again.

[wannabdone]

I'm sorry that hurt so much but you handled it like a champ! You really did. You will feel better again.

 

 

I hope so. I guess I expected emails or a call, had prepared myself how to handle it. But wasn't ready for this and wasn't ready to see him.

But, one part of me wanted to hug him and tell him I miss him and tell him about all the pain I had been feeling and the other part wanted to rip his ball sack off and tell him that was a 1/4 of the pain I had felt over the last years. So, it was just hard having all of those feelings and him in front of me all at once. And then the feeling of feeling bad I was a bitch to him. HOw can I feel bad about being rude to someone who has been so awful to me? I feel foolish and I feel like a wreck.

 

Thanks for the sweet words.

[woinlove]

To answer your question - it will end. But he's not going to help. Your feelings are normal because you loved him, really cared about him and still do, even if he doesn't deserve it. It takes time to get over those feelings.

 

I agree that you handled it well. You've already come a long way because you didn't cave to the desire to hug him, confide in him. You must recognize that would only bring even greater pain for you. So good for you for recognizing that and taking care of yourself. Now that you know what he might try, you can be more prepared if he tries this again.

[TurningTables]

WBD: Why in the hell didnt you flip him the bird and keep running?

[wannabdone]

To answer your question - it will end. But he's not going to help. Your feelings are normal because you loved him, really cared about him and still do, even if he doesn't deserve it. It takes time to get over those feelings.

 

I agree that you handled it well. You've already come a long way because you didn't cave to the desire to hug him, confide in him. You must recognize that would only bring even greater pain for you. So good for you for recognizing that and taking care of yourself. Now that you know what he might try, you can be more prepared if he tries this again.

 

thx WIL, I guess I need to start preparing that i'm going to have him pop up from time to time. Guess he feels that i'm really doing this, this time. Who know, I probably in the past would have already caved by now. I'm trying NOT to remember that girl. She's dead...the new one is much bitchier and much more selfish.

[Gentlegirl]

Geeez... I am so proud of you for not getting into that car and kissing his face! I know you still love him .

 

You are so very strong.

 

Stay NC. If he does something similar can you threaten a harrassment order or something? Don't know how it works in your country. Maybe you wouldn't want to do that to him.

 

 

You are still doing well. Did I not say you were in the lull before the storm? Here's your storm and you will weather it. God knows what you will feel when it's over. I always feel different when I have a "storm" as I like to call them.

 

Good One...

 

Gentlegirl

[wannabdone]

Geeez... I am so proud of you for not getting into that car and kissing his face! I know you still love him .

 

You are so very strong.

 

Stay NC. If he does something similar can you threaten a harrassment order or something? Don't know how it works in your country. Maybe you wouldn't want to do that to him.

 

 

You are still doing well. Did I not say you were in the lull before the storm? Here's your storm and you will weather it. God knows what you will feel when it's over. I always feel different when I have a "storm" as I like to call them.

 

Good One...

 

Gentlegirl

 

 

thx GG. It sounds so awful but yes a part of me wanted to jump in that car. To kiss him or punch him, idk. But some form of contact.

 

Today, i'm back into being completely depressed. I'm so freaking tired of this crap, I could scream. I'm trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of it, even trying not be on here so much as I feel like this keeps my mind on it, but my mind always goes back to it.

 

Can't wait for these damn storms to be done with, already!

 

How are you?

[MissBee]

Great for you on how you handled that!

 

That whole exchange made me gag a little Driving by in a rental car, at night, saying he's sorry and he's not trying to start something. Wow...okay, if that isn't just pathetic and selfish, I don't know what is.

 

 

I totally empathize with you feeling depressed and drained and wanting it to be over and done...girl...I know and to be honest, I don't envy you at all because for months that was my everyday existence. But I'm here at 200%, happier and better than ever! Soooo yes, there is an ending, but you do have to go through it for a while and learn about yourself and detox from this situation before you see the end. But you'll get there!

[freestyle]

I'd say this latest action shines a spotlight on the fact that it really is All.About.Him.

 

He showed zero regard for how his actions would affect you---he didn't stop and consider that he might be rubbing salt in a fresh wound.

 

If anything---maybe you can use this example of how selfish he is---as a reminder to remain NC with him.

[wannabdone]

Great for you on how you handled that!

 

That whole exchange made me gag a little Driving by in a rental car, at night, saying he's sorry and he's not trying to start something. Wow...okay, if that isn't just pathetic and selfish, I don't know what is.

 

 

I totally empathize with you feeling depressed and drained and wanting it to be over and done...girl...I know and to be honest, I don't envy you at all because for months that was my everyday existence. But I'm here at 200%, happier and better than ever! Soooo yes, there is an ending, but you do have to go through it for a while and learn about yourself and detox from this situation before you see the end. But you'll get there!

 

 

thx MB. I appreciate it. So you dealt with stuff like this as well??? My lord, tell me how long did it go on???

 

And yes, I think it is pathetic and shows all about him. When he wants to see me he does, I've never had that option. I'm really mad at him, because he could have drove on. I would have never noticed it was him. But, he wanted me to hurt and feel down. And that isn't in my book anything about love.

[wannabdone]

I'd say this latest action shines a spotlight on the fact that it really is All.About.Him.

 

He showed zero regard for how his actions would affect you---he didn't stop and consider that he might be rubbing salt in a fresh wound.

 

If anything---maybe you can use this example of how selfish he is---as a reminder to remain NC with him.

 

 

I agree. That is how I've been looking at it. How incredibly selfish he is and how again he has shown he has no concern for me.

 

I think my depression today has a lot combined. I do love him and miss him, but also realizing how ass end ignorant I have been as to how selfish he has been with me and how I could ever have given so much of myself to someone like that, shows the real issues and problems that I have.

 

Thank you for the words. I appreciate it.

[MissBee]

thx MB. I appreciate it. So you dealt with stuff like this as well??? My lord, tell me how long did it go on???

 

And yes, I think it is pathetic and shows all about him. When he wants to see me he does, I've never had that option. I'm really mad at him, because he could have drove on. I would have never noticed it was him. But, he wanted me to hurt and feel down. And that isn't in my book anything about love.

 

It went on for well over a year....

 

I don't think anyone wants to hear that in the early stages.

 

However, it went through different stages.....the worst parts being earlier on, but the rollercoaster went on for over a year, with me not being over this person, the situation, and going months of feeling fine, then one day I felt bad again and it felt never ending. He also kept showing up in my life every 3 or 4 months which did not help, as unlike you, I would actually go out with him or try to "talk with him" and I just hung on for dear life!

 

My theory though, is that each break up, the length of time it takes you to get over it, is based on the particular lessons YOU need to grow. It wasn't my "great love" for him why it took almost 2 years to be completely done neither was it even about him, it was because it was serving as a catalyst for me to really grow in 2 years what maybe would normally take 10 years! I wouldn't wish it again, because it was awful, but I am truly appreciative of that time I spent in pain as it got to a point that I realized it couldn't just be about him, then I started looking at me, and that's when things started speeding up for me!

 

I don't know how long it will take for you, I don't think my scenario was typical necessarily, I do believe as I said, it just depends on where you are and what this situation is trying to teach you (and if you're receptive to it) how long you'll take. Sooo my advice is to be receptive to that growth and to focus a lot more on you than him (as that was also my drawback...I spent MONTHS gathering info from psych journals, websites, checking out books out of the library about HIS issues and how I could help HIM....when I could do no such thing! ) Literally, once I decided to stop trying to fix him, it's like time began to fastforward!

[freestyle]

What I'd like to see--

 

is for you to tap into a healthy dose of anger at him, regarding this latest incident---

 

Anger--- when harnessed properly---can be a mobilizing force for self-preservation----(just keep a tight hold on the reigns, so it doesn't run away with you..........)

 

It can also keep you from sinking too deeply into depressive thinking (which could potentially make you more vulnerable to him attempting to break NC again)

 

You didn't have to reside in an angry place all the time, but there are times that it's not only appropriate, but helpful. You could view it as a way station on the road to your healing.

[all3sides]

I love what you told him! And I think it showed him that you are now stronger than any crap he can throw at you. He now knows the strings he used to pull to play you like a puppet are broken. And remember, it's him and those strings that are broken, not you.

 

And don't read his email!

[wannabdone]

I love what you told him! And I think it showed him that you are now stronger than any crap he can throw at you. He now knows the strings he used to pull to play you like a puppet are broken. And remember, it's him and those strings that are broken, not you.

 

And don't read his email!

 

 

Thank you!!! And I'm going to keep repeating that...its him thats broken, not me.

 

As far as the email...to late. I read it. I didn't respond. It talked about how he bawled for 5 hours, and how he had some time to get out of this escape room and see the real world. And how much misery he was in. How he misses me so much he can't stand it, but he stays in this "escape room" and talks himself into that his life is okay.

 

I hope the walls of his special room cave down upon him. I'm telling you, once it hits this guy that i'm gone, he will have a mental break down. He is just far to Narcassistic to see that i'm gone. He doesn't get that just because I still love him, doesn't mean that I haven't found some love for myself. I can still love him and not want to be with him.

[all3sides]

talks himself into that his life is okay.

 

 

His life is OK, because that's the life he's chosen to live. Not your problem that it sucks and not your responsibility to make it more "livable" for him. That's where I had to get to, realizing the only action my xMM took to make his oh-so-lonely-and-miserable-marriage more livable was to betray, lie to, and sneak around on his wife and I was helping him!?!? And by my making him happy outside his marriage, he would never work on it or himself.

 

No thanks, I had to walk when that hit me.

[wannabdone]

His life is OK, because that's the life he's chosen to live. Not your problem that it sucks and not your responsibility to make it more "livable" for him. That's where I had to get to, realizing the only action my xMM took to make his oh-so-lonely-and-miserable-marriage more livable was to betray, lie to, and sneak around on his wife and I was helping him!?!? And by my making him happy outside his marriage, he would never work on it or himself.

 

No thanks, I had to walk when that hit me.

 

 

I COMPLETELY agree. I realized I made it actualy easier for him to stay M. WTF??? I spent so much time making him better, helping him. I left myself alone, never helping me. And he damn sure wasn't going to help me.

 

He can get this life, he can deal with his demons. I'm out. I can't save him, he can only save himself.

 

All I have to say to him is "back to hell, satan....enjoy your life!!!"

[2sunny]

I said "then get the **** out of my neighborhood".

 

keep telling him this - IF anything at all!

 

because of this:

 

he said "i'm not trying to start something up".

 

he's offered you NOTHING! nothing except to distract YOU from healing and moving forward! get moving! a NEW and IMPROVED life is waiting for you - one that doesn't include this unavailable man!

[MissBee]

I COMPLETELY agree. I realized I made it actualy easier for him to stay M. WTF??? I spent so much time making him better, helping him. I left myself alone, never helping me. And he damn sure wasn't going to help me.

 

He can get this life, he can deal with his demons. I'm out. I can't save him, he can only save himself.

 

All I have to say to him is "back to hell, satan....enjoy your life!!!"

 

LMAO @ back to hell Satan...crazy lol

[all3sides]

And you know, it does get better. I actually ran into xMM this morning at work and was able to look him in the eye, didn't even flinch and kept on walking. Didn't have my heart jump in my chest and didn't end up back at my desk crying. I have been pretty successful at avoiding any run in's 99% of the time. That is at least after he ambushed me outside his office about a month after I went NC and demanded to know why we couldn't put "all that other stuff behind us and just be friends" and that he figured he'd given me enough time alone to "air out the house" and I told him I didn't just air out the house, I moved out and was gone!

 

Needless to say, after that he seems to go out of his way to avoid me now and hasn't cornered me again.

 

And now the fact that I was able to run into him and had none of those old reactions tell me that I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will too!

[wannabdone]

keep telling him this - IF anything at all!

 

because of this:

 

 

 

he's offered you NOTHING! nothing except to distract YOU from healing and moving forward! get moving! a NEW and IMPROVED life is waiting for you - one that doesn't include this unavailable man!

 

 

That is a very good point. And one that I really hadn't looked at. So, I just got a call from him, from some number I don't know where its from. He asked me to please not hang up....he was crying uncontrollably, telling me he was sorry for coming by last night, and how very sorry he was for how awful he has been to me. And that his heart never wanted to treat me that way, but he knows his actions have, and that their is no excuse. And whether I never love him again or not, thanked me for the love that I had given him, and that it was a blessing. And he will love me forever.

 

My heart actually broke for him. I felt really sad. I didn't offer nothing in return. Im not for sure what is motivations are. But, I'm just going to take the apology and go on.

 

I don't think he was trying to "start things back up". Its seemed very geniuine that he felt remorseful, and that he does miss me. But then I thought, man...he sure didn't listen to me when I tried to tell him when my heart was breaking.

 

I know I can't get wrapped up with what his motivations are. But I sure wish I did know. Just to know if this is something that is going to happend again (if his motivations are to get back in). I know he will crumble, and this is only the beginning. I won't offer him any release from it, as this is what he has chose to do, and he has to lay in his bed. Maybe theres a part of me that still hopes that he will see the error of his ways and fix his life.

[2sunny]

EVERY time you have any interactions with him - he IS keeping you connected. THAT is his motivation = to keep you from moving forward... which is selfish of him.

 

to feel NOTHING for him - completely neutral - is the place to be in order for healing to happen - and then to move forward = but it will never happen as long as he keeps you biting on the line he keeps in the water - so QUIT BITING!

 

he knows as long as he keeps up any contact - you won't go forward and find a man who is capable of loving ONLY YOU! which YOU do deserve.

 

do not allow him the power to keep you biting on his line. ignore him completely! he will EVENTUALLY go away if you don't show him any effort or emotion... THAT is how you get past this.

 

he's offering you NOTHING! accept that - and know that you deserve WAY more from any man than nothing!

 

take your power back that you've been handing over to him = call and tell him that IF he ever contacts you again in any way - you will call his wife immediately - even if he's standing right in front of you!

[wannabdone]

EVERY time you have any interactions with him - he IS keeping you connected. THAT is his motivation = to keep you from moving forward... which is selfish of him.

 

to feel NOTHING for him - completely neutral - is the place to be in order for healing to happen - and then to move forward = but it will never happen as long as he keeps you biting on the line he keeps in the water - so QUIT BITING!

 

he knows as long as he keeps up any contact - you won't go forward and find a man who is capable of loving ONLY YOU! which YOU do deserve.

 

do not allow him the power to keep you biting on his line. ignore him completely! he will EVENTUALLY go away if you don't show him any effort or emotion... THAT is how you get past this.

 

he's offering you NOTHING! accept that - and know that you deserve WAY more from any man than nothing!

 

take your power back that you've been handing over to him = call and tell him that IF he ever contacts you again in any way - you will call his wife immediately - even if he's standing right in front of you!

 

 

Opps, too late. I already told her.

[Gentlegirl]

thx GG. It sounds so awful but yes a part of me wanted to jump in that car. To kiss him or punch him, idk. But some form of contact.

 

Today, i'm back into being completely depressed. I'm so freaking tired of this crap, I could scream. I'm trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of it, even trying not be on here so much as I feel like this keeps my mind on it, but my mind always goes back to it.

 

Can't wait for these damn storms to be done with, already!

 

How are you?

 

As Miss Bee said, you will come out the other side of this hiccup with a different perspective.

 

Maybe you will see that it's all about him. He didn't even think about what he was doing to you....It's put you off balance all over again.

 

The big difference is that you didn't regress enough to go back to him. this time you will bounce back more quickly, believe me.

 

I am doing fine... big week of anniversaries that made me sad. I still had a strong emotional attachment and the week has helped me to let go of that. Another storm weathered and sailing on in calmer waters now.

 

Well done WBD,

 

Gentlegirl