Will it ever end?????

[SidLyon]

No, I texted her. I have sent stuff letters regarding harassement to her from my lawyer, so I really can't call her and probably shouldn't text. But I did text.

 

She responded with that I was lying, and when am I going to get over trying to have her life. That he had been with her the entire time. And when am I just not going to get my own life.

 

Stupid bitch.

 

Well, I tried. Thats on her.

 

Most likely the reason she thinks you are lying is because her WH is continuing to lie to her in a major way - ie gaslighting. She thinks he hasn't been able to get anywhere near you because she doesn't know he rented a car.

 

You know this anyway, so you calling her names for simply believing her H, just demonstrates to us your character.

 

Not nice!

[wannabdone]

Most likely the reason she thinks you are lying is because her WH is continuing to lie to her in a major way - ie gaslighting. She thinks he hasn't been able to get anywhere near you because she doesn't know he rented a car.

 

You know this anyway, so you calling her names for simply believing her H, just demonstrates to us your character.

 

Not nice!

 

 

Well, it shouldn't demonstrate my character at all, if you take one post and read it, you can't get my character from that. If you knew the back ground of the entire thing, you might see it a bit differently.

 

The fact that I was trying to do "the right thing" by telling her, which I should not even be doing so, since this woman has harassed me and stalked me for years. And then I am called a liar, amoung with other names, with text messages that have continued into the wee hours of the night. She is acting like a stupid b****, sorry. If she wants to act like one, then she gets called one. Just like if I acted like her to someone that was apparrently trying to tell me the truth, I would expect to be called one.

 

And yes, I know that she has been gaslighted. I'm sure of this, and I know that she has been driven to be more crazy than she probably already was, I know all of this. I have stated multiple times that this man has driven me completely nuts and I have never lived with him. I can only imagine what her state of mind is living with someone like him 365 days a year. However, if 1/2 of her M, her H has cheated, there have been 16 Dday's that have come and gone, and then when the OW tries to be upright and honest with her, even though she has literally harassed this woman to a point that there have been legal action taken, and you then take that as your opportunity to come back and text them 13x calling them every name in the book....yep, I reserve the right to call her that. And I don't think in anyway shape or form it demonstrates anything on my character, other than the fact that both of these people are idiots, and very well deserving of eachother.

 

She very much was aware he had a rental car, he always rents a car when he goes out of town, as his car is a gas guslier, and it ends up being cheaper for him to rent. I've been in this stupid thing a long time, so I'm kind of aware as to what goes on. So, even still when I told her the specific time, and the car he was driving, and that alone proved to her that I was telling the truth, and come on....she knows i'm telling the truth....that she takes that as an opportunity to say what she said....she falls in that category.

[wannabdone]

I am so proud of you! :bunny:HUG:bunny: You are a strong cookie. Do you know how it could have went. You are strong! Stay strong honey. He made his attempt and he failed. It might feel like a set back because you broke down but make sure you know he walked away empty handed. Let his spouse stroke his ego. Bravo! You need to throw yourself a party this weekend in celebration. Drink and stripper night!

 

 

Thx Emme. I appreciate that. You are right, I might have gotten depressed, but I he got nothing. Except for an F U.

 

I think the celebration thing sounds like a great idea!!

[SidLyon]

Well, it shouldn't demonstrate my character at all, if you take one post and read it, you can't get my character from that. If you knew the back ground of the entire thing, you might see it a bit differently.

 

The fact that I was trying to do "the right thing" by telling her, which I should not even be doing so, since this woman has harassed me and stalked me for years. And then I am called a liar, amoung with other names, with text messages that have continued into the wee hours of the night. She is acting like a stupid b****, sorry. If she wants to act like one, then she gets called one. Just like if I acted like her to someone that was apparrently trying to tell me the truth, I would expect to be called one.

 

And yes, I know that she has been gaslighted. I'm sure of this, and I know that she has been driven to be more crazy than she probably already was, I know all of this. I have stated multiple times that this man has driven me completely nuts and I have never lived with him. I can only imagine what her state of mind is living with someone like him 365 days a year. However, if 1/2 of her M, her H has cheated, there have been 16 Dday's that have come and gone, and then when the OW tries to be upright and honest with her, even though she has literally harassed this woman to a point that there have been legal action taken, and you then take that as your opportunity to come back and text them 13x calling them every name in the book....yep, I reserve the right to call her that. And I don't think in anyway shape or form it demonstrates anything on my character, other than the fact that both of these people are idiots, and very well deserving of eachother.

 

She very much was aware he had a rental car, he always rents a car when he goes out of town, as his car is a gas guslier, and it ends up being cheaper for him to rent. I've been in this stupid thing a long time, so I'm kind of aware as to what goes on. So, even still when I told her the specific time, and the car he was driving, and that alone proved to her that I was telling the truth, and come on....she knows i'm telling the truth....that she takes that as an opportunity to say what she said....she falls in that category.

 

Oh well. I expect you interfered in her life long before she interfered in yours.

 

If you feel entitled to call her a "stupid bitch" you must accept that others might call you names as they see fit.

[wannabdone]

Oh well. I expect you interfered in her life long before she interfered in yours.

 

If you feel entitled to call her a "stupid bitch" you must accept that others might call you names as they see fit.

 

 

Nope, you are absolutely 100% correct, I did. I take full responsibility for that, and have told her that and how sorry I was.

 

And yes, when I act like a stupid bitch, I will expect to be called the same.

 

Just remember, when you read one post, you can not judge a persons character. I find it interesting that out of all the posts, thats the one you commented on. Never the other 10 or so when I was saying that I refused to do this anymore and help with the demise of my life or her's. Just the one where I called her a name.

 

I know that every situation is different, and there can not be a b/w answer to anything. I know there are some really wonderful women who have been hurt by their H's cheating. And the OW as well. Although i didn't commit to her that I would not lie or cheat on her in front of God and church, I still hold responsbility to hurting her. And I could not apologize enough to her. This is just the good old thing that comes down to....two wrongs don't make a right. Because I interfered with her life in a terribly manner, doesn't give her the right to then lie because of that. Sin is sin.... lying is isn't right, just like cheating isn't right. It all goes hand and hand.

 

I promise you, if she had handled herself in any other way than what she has in the past, if it was just that she truly loved this man and was gaslighted and I got a text back that I was lying, and that was it. I would have left it at just calling her stupid. But, since she has and does so much more than that, the other word comes into play.

 

I fully expect that if I ever stalk someone to the point they have to hire an attorney, lie about this person constantly, call their mom, dad, child, ex in laws, ex H, H who ever and spew the lies that she has.... by all means please call me a STUPID BITCH. There are OW out there who are respectful to the BS, I have been one of those. I have hurt her, yes...but I have always been respectful to her, and tried to understand what she is going through.

[So Very Confused]

Wow! You have been through a lot in the last few days and I can hear the strength and wisdom in your posts.

 

Just my 2cents, he is trying to suck you back in. It's still all about him. He can't stand that you are out there and that you might possibly be healing and moving on. By you going a month of NC, he must be feeling desperate. He KNOWS you are going to be okay without him and it's driving him crazy. You know he crapped himself when you told him to get the F out of your neighborhood. His wife can check for skidmarks in his underwear for proof of your story. LOL

 

Congratulations on your month of NC. I'm SO proud of you. You are such an inspiration. You are going to be fine. You are healing and getting stronger every day. Good for you!!!

[wannabdone]

Wow! You have been through a lot in the last few days and I can hear the strength and wisdom in your posts.

 

Just my 2cents, he is trying to suck you back in. It's still all about him. He can't stand that you are out there and that you might possibly be healing and moving on. By you going a month of NC, he must be feeling desperate. He KNOWS you are going to be okay without him and it's driving him crazy. You know he crapped himself when you told him to get the F out of your neighborhood. His wife can check for skidmarks in his underwear for proof of your story. LOL

 

Congratulations on your month of NC. I'm SO proud of you. You are such an inspiration. You are going to be fine. You are healing and getting stronger every day. Good for you!!!

 

 

 

Thx doll!! I appreciate it!!! What happened to you? Been worried, you okay?

[Gentlegirl]

It's a beautiful Spring morning in Sydney Australia.

 

My day is an open book.

 

Instead of fretting and fussing about what xMM is up to today and hanging for his first text of the day..... I'm FREEEEEEEEE! It's a damned good feeling!

 

You won't miss all the rubbish that your xMM brought with him after a while. It might take you a long time to get extricated because the drama itself can become addicitive. Have you conisdered counselling yet?

 

Warm Wishes from

 

Gentlegirl

[wannabdone]

It's a beautiful Spring morning in Sydney Australia.

 

My day is an open book.

 

Instead of fretting and fussing about what xMM is up to today and hanging for his first text of the day..... I'm FREEEEEEEEE! It's a damned good feeling!

 

You won't miss all the rubbish that your xMM brought with him after a while. It might take you a long time to get extricated because the drama itself can become addicitive. Have you conisdered counselling yet?

 

Warm Wishes from

 

Gentlegirl

 

 

GG... I've been in counseling for 2 years now. That is what has helped me get to this point. I'm actually feeling good today, getting a lot of house work done, and haven't thought of him as often. And when I do its not the usual. Still feel saddness, but in different ways today. Just sad it had to be the way it is. If that makes sense.

 

Enjoy your spring day!! Sounds wonderful!!!

[Jessica232]

My therapist told me that just when you really start to move on is when they come back. It's like they sense you're healing. Ugh. Recognize his impromptu appearance for what it was, and try (yeah right- what a jerk he is!) to let it not be a setback.

 

Big hugs to you!!

[Jessica232]

Geeez... I am so proud of you for not getting into that car and kissing his face! I know you still love him .

 

You are so very strong.

 

Stay NC. If he does something similar can you threaten a harrassment order or something? Don't know how it works in your country. Maybe you wouldn't want to do that to him.

 

 

You are still doing well. Did I not say you were in the lull before the storm? Here's your storm and you will weather it. God knows what you will feel when it's over. I always feel different when I have a "storm" as I like to call them.

 

Good One...

 

Gentlegirl

 

Ditto this!! You ARE SO strong!! Good for you!!

[wannabdone]

Ditto this!! You ARE SO strong!! Good for you!!

 

 

Thx Jess!!! So are you girl!!!

 

How are things going?

[SidLyon]

Nope, you are absolutely 100% correct, I did. I take full responsibility for that, and have told her that and how sorry I was.

 

And yes, when I act like a stupid bitch, I will expect to be called the same.

 

Just remember, when you read one post, you can not judge a persons character. I find it interesting that out of all the posts, thats the one you commented on. Never the other 10 or so when I was saying that I refused to do this anymore and help with the demise of my life or her's. Just the one where I called her a name.

 

I know that every situation is different, and there can not be a b/w answer to anything. I know there are some really wonderful women who have been hurt by their H's cheating. And the OW as well. Although i didn't commit to her that I would not lie or cheat on her in front of God and church, I still hold responsbility to hurting her. And I could not apologize enough to her. This is just the good old thing that comes down to....two wrongs don't make a right. Because I interfered with her life in a terribly manner, doesn't give her the right to then lie because of that. Sin is sin.... lying is isn't right, just like cheating isn't right. It all goes hand and hand.

 

I promise you, if she had handled herself in any other way than what she has in the past, if it was just that she truly loved this man and was gaslighted and I got a text back that I was lying, and that was it. I would have left it at just calling her stupid. But, since she has and does so much more than that, the other word comes into play.

 

I fully expect that if I ever stalk someone to the point they have to hire an attorney, lie about this person constantly, call their mom, dad, child, ex in laws, ex H, H who ever and spew the lies that she has.... by all means please call me a STUPID BITCH. There are OW out there who are respectful to the BS, I have been one of those. I have hurt her, yes...but I have always been respectful to her, and tried to understand what she is going through.

 

I didn't just read one post, but you're right the post I chose to comment on was the one where you were nasty.

 

What she did doesn't sound all that unusual to me. I'm a BW and I contacted the OW and various members of her family to let them know what she'd done. I expect she lied to them too and made out that I was the one lying.

 

I also visited her at her workplace.

 

In her case her own BH had recently died so it would have been devastating to her children and her parents-in-laws to find out that she'd betrayed her H. I got a lot of criticism on LS for revealing what she'd done to her grieving family. The irony is it didn't stop her because unbeknown to me she had been having an A with yet another MM who left his wife and 4 kids for her after her BH died.

 

If she's still stalking you she's unlikely to stop while her H is also still in contact with you, and you're still responding, so you can't blame it all on her.

 

Anyway good luck to you - focus on your life and if you don't want to be involved in their dramas then don't.

[Gentlegirl]

I didn't just read one post, but you're right the post I chose to comment on was the one where you were nasty.

 

What she did doesn't sound all that unusual to me. I'm a BW and I contacted the OW and various members of her family to let them know what she'd done. I expect she lied to them too and made out that I was the one lying.

 

I also visited her at her workplace.

 

In her case her own BH had recently died so it would have been devastating to her children and her parents-in-laws to find out that she'd betrayed her H. I got a lot of criticism on LS for revealing what she'd done to her grieving family. The irony is it didn't stop her because unbeknown to me she had been having an A with yet another MM who left his wife and 4 kids for her after her BH died.

 

If she's still stalking you she's unlikely to stop while her H is also still in contact with you, and you're still responding, so you can't blame it all on her.

 

Anyway good luck to you - focus on your life and if you don't want to be involved in their dramas then don't.

 

Sid,

 

I always admire what a lovely manner you have about the way you write.

 

Beautifully and an insight into the other side.

 

GG

[wannabdone]

I didn't just read one post, but you're right the post I chose to comment on was the one where you were nasty.

 

What she did doesn't sound all that unusual to me. I'm a BW and I contacted the OW and various members of her family to let them know what she'd done. I expect she lied to them too and made out that I was the one lying.

 

I also visited her at her workplace.

 

In her case her own BH had recently died so it would have been devastating to her children and her parents-in-laws to find out that she'd betrayed her H. I got a lot of criticism on LS for revealing what she'd done to her grieving family. The irony is it didn't stop her because unbeknown to me she had been having an A with yet another MM who left his wife and 4 kids for her after her BH died.

 

If she's still stalking you she's unlikely to stop while her H is also still in contact with you, and you're still responding, so you can't blame it all on her.

 

Anyway good luck to you - focus on your life and if you don't want to be involved in their dramas then don't.

 

 

I want to a few things clear, because I think you have maybe misinterpurted what I have said.

 

First off, I'm not continuting contact with him in any way. I have responded to one email, in which I had told him that I am not in love with him anymore, and I really wanted NC, and I wished him well. Outside of that, nothing. He has shown up at my house, been outside when I went running. When he showed while I was out running, I told him I forgave him and ran off, to which he followed me.

 

Secondly, I completely understand why MW would go to someones place of business, or confront her, or call her H. I do. It makes sense to me. Now, me being a grown woman and someone calling my 80 year old parents, and my x in laws, which had been my x inlaws for over 7 years, I don't get that, at all. I don't get her calling my child and telling him. That does not make sense. If it had simply been her coming to my work, or confronting me once or twice, I get it. But this has been a daily following, her putting a program on my phone to listen to calls, read texts, etc. Her coming to my house when I am out of town, and going in my back yard to look through my windows and take pictures, her showing up at my house, even in the wee hours of the night too many times to count. Waking my child up in the middle of the night with blowing my home phone up, or ringing my door bell repeatedly. Not only her coming to my place of work MANY, MANY times...but to my family's work, to my ex family's work, to my childs school, you name it. Text messages, forwarding voicemails, weekly, sometimes daily. Even at times I wasn't seeing him. It really is out of hand. I have had to move, change numbers, change cars, just to get away from her. She is creepy. Not a normal BS. I've had many friends that are BS and done somethings you spoke of, but even they thing this woman is out of control. I have never called her kids, her family, nothing for what she has done. I know I hurt her, but that doesn't give her the right to hurt everyone else. And her actions aren't to get me out of her life, her actions are to destroy me, and that is not cool, in any way you try to slice it. Not only have I never called her kids, or family (why hurt them?) I have never called the cops...why? I didn't want her kids to have a mom that was in jail. I have really been very respectful to her, and she has crossed the line too many times. Her actions are on her now, she choses to stay with a many who apparently will cheat on her forever, so I guess she needs to accept it.

 

But, when I am not returning any forms of contact and I am telling her that her H is coming by to see me, at my home....and she choses to act in the way she does. Thats ridiculous. Poor thing, she doesn't get that she is keeping me in their lives, even when I am trying to not be.

 

So, I understand your position, I really do. I'm not some heartless bitch that doesn't get what i've done. I am very caring and hate that I've hurt anyone. Just wanted you to see that sometimes, the OW is some hanious creature that just throws out comments that aren't valid.

[SidLyon]

I want to a few things clear, because I think you have maybe misinterpurted what I have said.

 

First off, I'm not continuting contact with him in any way. I have responded to one email, in which I had told him that I am not in love with him anymore, and I really wanted NC, and I wished him well. Outside of that, nothing. He has shown up at my house, been outside when I went running. When he showed while I was out running, I told him I forgave him and ran off, to which he followed me.

 

Secondly, I completely understand why MW would go to someones place of business, or confront her, or call her H. I do. It makes sense to me. Now, me being a grown woman and someone calling my 80 year old parents, and my x in laws, which had been my x inlaws for over 7 years, I don't get that, at all. I don't get her calling my child and telling him. That does not make sense. If it had simply been her coming to my work, or confronting me once or twice, I get it. But this has been a daily following, her putting a program on my phone to listen to calls, read texts, etc. Her coming to my house when I am out of town, and going in my back yard to look through my windows and take pictures, her showing up at my house, even in the wee hours of the night too many times to count. Waking my child up in the middle of the night with blowing my home phone up, or ringing my door bell repeatedly. Not only her coming to my place of work MANY, MANY times...but to my family's work, to my ex family's work, to my childs school, you name it. Text messages, forwarding voicemails, weekly, sometimes daily. Even at times I wasn't seeing him. It really is out of hand. I have had to move, change numbers, change cars, just to get away from her. She is creepy. Not a normal BS. I've had many friends that are BS and done somethings you spoke of, but even they thing this woman is out of control. I have never called her kids, her family, nothing for what she has done. I know I hurt her, but that doesn't give her the right to hurt everyone else. And her actions aren't to get me out of her life, her actions are to destroy me, and that is not cool, in any way you try to slice it. Not only have I never called her kids, or family (why hurt them?) I have never called the cops...why? I didn't want her kids to have a mom that was in jail. I have really been very respectful to her, and she has crossed the line too many times. Her actions are on her now, she choses to stay with a many who apparently will cheat on her forever, so I guess she needs to accept it.

 

But, when I am not returning any forms of contact and I am telling her that her H is coming by to see me, at my home....and she choses to act in the way she does. Thats ridiculous. Poor thing, she doesn't get that she is keeping me in their lives, even when I am trying to not be.

 

So, I understand your position, I really do. I'm not some heartless bitch that doesn't get what i've done. I am very caring and hate that I've hurt anyone. Just wanted you to see that sometimes, the OW is some hanious creature that just throws out comments that aren't valid.

 

The thing is her H is still in contact with you, even though you may not be significantly responding to him and may wish it otherwise. I can almost guarantee that while he continues to contact you then she will too.

 

You seem to be putting all the blame on her. Why not consult a lawyer and the police etc about his continued stalking/harassment of you?

 

It is also disingenuous of you to suggest that you have never contacted her family etc when you have inserted yourself into her marriage.

 

I realise this is a very messed up situation and that you can see you have some responsibility for it. Fixing it up is clearly not going to be easy but the first step is to ensure that he stops contacting you. Her behaviour will most likely follow.

[alexandria35]

I want to a few things clear, because I think you have maybe misinterpurted what I have said.

 

First off, I'm not continuting contact with him in any way. I have responded to one email, in which I had told him that I am not in love with him anymore, and I really wanted NC, and I wished him well. Outside of that, nothing. He has shown up at my house, been outside when I went running. When he showed while I was out running, I told him I forgave him and ran off, to which he followed me.

 

Secondly, I completely understand why MW would go to someones place of business, or confront her, or call her H. I do. It makes sense to me. Now, me being a grown woman and someone calling my 80 year old parents, and my x in laws, which had been my x inlaws for over 7 years, I don't get that, at all. I don't get her calling my child and telling him. That does not make sense. If it had simply been her coming to my work, or confronting me once or twice, I get it. But this has been a daily following, her putting a program on my phone to listen to calls, read texts, etc. Her coming to my house when I am out of town, and going in my back yard to look through my windows and take pictures, her showing up at my house, even in the wee hours of the night too many times to count. Waking my child up in the middle of the night with blowing my home phone up, or ringing my door bell repeatedly. Not only her coming to my place of work MANY, MANY times...but to my family's work, to my ex family's work, to my childs school, you name it. Text messages, forwarding voicemails, weekly, sometimes daily. Even at times I wasn't seeing him. It really is out of hand. I have had to move, change numbers, change cars, just to get away from her. She is creepy. Not a normal BS. I've had many friends that are BS and done somethings you spoke of, but even they thing this woman is out of control. I have never called her kids, her family, nothing for what she has done. I know I hurt her, but that doesn't give her the right to hurt everyone else. And her actions aren't to get me out of her life, her actions are to destroy me, and that is not cool, in any way you try to slice it. Not only have I never called her kids, or family (why hurt them?) I have never called the cops...why? I didn't want her kids to have a mom that was in jail. I have really been very respectful to her, and she has crossed the line too many times. Her actions are on her now, she choses to stay with a many who apparently will cheat on her forever, so I guess she needs to accept it.

 

But, when I am not returning any forms of contact and I am telling her that her H is coming by to see me, at my home....and she choses to act in the way she does. Thats ridiculous. Poor thing, she doesn't get that she is keeping me in their lives, even when I am trying to not be.

 

So, I understand your position, I really do. I'm not some heartless bitch that doesn't get what i've done. I am very caring and hate that I've hurt anyone. Just wanted you to see that sometimes, the OW is some hanious creature that just throws out comments that aren't valid.

 

As I understand it, there have been 16 ddays and the affair went on for about 10 years right?

 

You think the BW's interference into your life is excessive and over the top, but you wouldn't get out of her life either. I could see being angry at all of her attempts to get at you, if you ended the affair years ago and she continued to stalk you and harass you, but that's not how it is at all. You say you apoligized to her? What kind of of an apology was that? "I'm sorry that my actions have caused you pain but what they hell? I'm just gonna keep doing it" You have been a thorn in her life for years but she's just supposed to graciously accept a fake apology and leave you alone, even while you continue your affair with her husband? I'm sorry but I don't see where you have been wronged by her. You chose to be a source of pain in her life for years and years and she chose to retalliate. You could have ended it at anytime by ending the affair.

[wannabdone]

The thing is her H is still in contact with you, even though you may not be significantly responding to him and may wish it otherwise. I can almost guarantee that while he continues to contact you then she will too.

 

You seem to be putting all the blame on her. Why not consult a lawyer and the police etc about his continued stalking/harassment of you?

 

It is also disingenuous of you to suggest that you have never contacted her family etc when you have inserted yourself into her marriage.

 

I realise this is a very messed up situation and that you can see you have some responsibility for it. Fixing it up is clearly not going to be easy but the first step is to ensure that he stops contacting you. Her behaviour will most likely follow.

 

 

No, I don't put blame on her, it is his fault that he continues to do what he does....not her. He has driven her to the funny farm, I get that. But her actions are unexcusable and are not right. Just because someone hurts you willingly or unwillingly does not give you the right to hurt them, and it definitely does not give you the right to hurt other people who aren't even involved in this. I might have "butted" into her life, yes....but my son didn't, my elderly parents didn't, my x inlaws didn't, all of that does not make sense. And not matter how it is spun, its wrong. this isn't about "who started this first", this is about being a grown up and ALL of us owning our actions. Her insantity falls way greater than the "norm". It is mean and hateful and cruel. So, if I look at things the way she does, since she feels the need to continue to do what she does and hurt the people around me that had no involvement, then if I wanted to act as she did, I would contact her entire family. But I don't. No matter what, this **** storm is between us, she wants to confront me....lets go. She wants to bother my child and my parents who are a innocent party.... we have a problem. And you can not tell me that you think that because I had an A with her H, than that means it is okay for her to call my son repeatedly, wake him up in the middle of the night, and go to his school. Come on...are you serious????

 

xMM just now started "stalking", if I have one more instance....trust me, I will get my attorney involved. I have no issues with that. And no, she won't stop. As I have gone a lot longer than this being away from him and he wasn't contacting me, and she continued.

[SidLyon]

... And you can not tell me that you think that because I had an A with her H, than that means it is okay for her to call my son repeatedly, wake him up in the middle of the night, and go to his school. Come on...are you serious????

 

xMM just now started "stalking", if I have one more instance....trust me, I will get my attorney involved. I have no issues with that. And no, she won't stop. As I have gone a lot longer than this being away from him and he wasn't contacting me, and she continued.

 

Err no I never said that. If your son is a child she should not be contacting him.

 

Everyone else is probably "fair game" in her eyes. Did you worry about the impact on his and her children and extended family? I expect not. Of course none of it's OK, but it is understandable and you could have expected something if you'd thought about it.

 

My H's affair went on for many years - it started nearly 7 years before I found out so I have an inkling about how she might feel. You may be right that she wants to damage you. I have those feelings too but I will always keep it legal. Just as it's legal to have an affair it is also legal to contact people. It's only where it becomes excessive and/or threatening that it becomes stalking and something can be done about it.

 

I did contact the OW's family . She had 2 children and I contacted the oldest who was legally an adult. I intend to contact the younger son when he is old enough too. Our situation is a bit different because my H may be his father and the OW is refusing paternity tests.

[wannabdone]

Err no I never said that. If your son is a child she should not be contacting him.

 

Everyone else is probably "fair game" in her eyes. Did you worry about the impact on his and her children and extended family? I expect not. Of course none of it's OK, but it is understandable and you could have expected something if you'd thought about it.

 

My H's affair went on for many years - it started nearly 7 years before I found out so I have an inkling about how she might feel. You may be right that she wants to damage you. I have those feelings too but I will always keep it legal. Just as it's legal to have an affair it is also legal to contact people. It's only where it becomes excessive and/or threatening that it becomes stalking and something can be done about it.

 

I did contact the OW's family . She had 2 children and I contacted the oldest who was legally an adult. I intend to contact the younger son when he is old enough too. Our situation is a bit different because my H may be his father and the OW is refusing paternity tests.

 

 

SL, My heart aches for you and your situation, it really does. That is awful.

 

With my A, yes, I willing knew what I was doing, but was so convinced that this was what the good Lord himself wanted, I was so blind.

 

I still think a lot of times we find ourselves saying to not lay blame on the BS because she has been gaslighted and driven to the brink of insanity, and most of all crushed. And I agree, to an instint. When we are hurt, we all lash out....absolutely. Is that the "right" thing to do, absolutely not. But normal and common. And when you have all of the above stated emotions going on, your not thinking clearly. But, neither is the OW most of the time when she is getting involved in the A. I understand wanting to put an end to it, if you can, if you wanting to save your M. But, when the line is crossed and it becomes that you are intentionally hurting people, whether it be the OW or their family or ex family. That is just wrong. And it completely takes away any validity you have. For all that is going on is, no accountability....blaming the OW and the S for hurting them so they have the right to do as they please. Her actions were absolutely driven to that place, but what she does with them...thats on her. Just as my actions are on me, and xMM actions are on him. Nothing should ever be considered "fair game" because someone has intruded into your life and hurt you. Talking to the OW is fair game sure, but intentionally setting out to hurt people is not.

 

 

My son was not of legal age, he was a little boy. And that is in my book, disguisting. And that is not "fair game". That is manipulative, and evil.

I understand your H's OW kids was of legal age....but I ask you. What are you hoping to get out of that? Hurting the child and mothers R? I just can't imagine how you can make that okay with in your mind. Just seems your doing a whole lot of concentrating on someone else and devasting them, rather than working on you. Because when it all boils down to it, you are what matters to you. Is your H still with this woman? How long ago was this? Just curious.

[MissBee]

I think the problem with situations like affairs is that, sometimes the party feeling wronged will bring a gun to a knife fight, so to speak and then it becomes very hard to say who is more wrong, or when enough should be enough and what is fair and unfair.

 

It's like someone initiating a fight by slapping someone in the face, then the other person stabs them. Of course it can be said that the one doing the stabbing went too far and he/she didn't have to do that, they could have just slapped this person back or ideally, turn the other cheek BUT there is also the truth that, maybe you shouldn't have slapped this person as you had no idea what they're capable of and had you not initiated the fight then they wouldn't have brought a knife into the mix as their form of retaliation. Then there is a gray area of you having brought certain things on yourself, and the fact that when you get into certain situations you release control of the other party's response so anything is to be expected, and there is no crying foul....and then the area of well are there any rules in combat besides do what you want so long as you've felt it served to make you feel better if you were first wronged?

 

How can the rules of common decency or common sense be applied fairly if party A didn't apply those rules first? Who gets to say when the line has been crossed (besides the law), party A who "started it" when they've had enough or it's something they wouldn't do, or party B who was wronged and is retaliating within their own ideas of what is right?

 

It's all very tricky.

 

I would not do what this BS is doing, and many others wouldn't. Calling your son was a bit much, but then there is also the idea that probably in her mind what she's doing is warranted and is child's play compared to her years of pain. Perhaps she is very misguided, as you were not the sole person responsible for the hot mess, but again, I think when we get into affairs, especially ongoing ones, for years on end....it's like going into an unknown war zone, where for all you know "the other" is only used to guerilla war far thus the Geneva convention and fair fighting do not apply, so you have to be aware of that and decide whether or not you want to risk that. You can't invade a country so to speak with tear gas then get upset that they retaliated by using bombs....

 

But for her hown good she does need to move forward with her life, as chasing behind you and family members of yours is just truly a waste of time. You have your lessons to learn and you have your own pain to endure without her peeping through your window and calling your family....she should focus on hers and leave justice up to the Universe.

 

.2 cents.

[alexandria35]

I think the problem with situations like affairs is that, sometimes the party feeling wronged will bring a gun to a knife fight, so to speak and then it becomes very hard to say who is more wrong, or when enough should be enough and what is fair and unfair.

 

It's like someone initiating a fight by slapping someone in the face, then the other person stabs them. Of course it can be said that the one doing the stabbing went too far and he/she didn't have to do that, they could have just slapped this person back or ideally, turn the other cheek BUT there is also the truth that, maybe you shouldn't have slapped this person as you had no idea what they're capable of and had you not initiated the fight then they wouldn't have brought a knife into the mix as their form of retaliation. Then there is a gray area of you having brought certain things on yourself, and the fact that when you get into certain situations you release control of the other party's response so anything is to be expected, and there is no crying foul....and then the area of well are there any rules in combat besides do what you want so long as you've felt it served to make you feel better if you were first wronged?

 

How can the rules of common decency or common sense be applied fairly if party A didn't apply those rules first? Who gets to say when the line has been crossed (besides the law), party A who "started it" when they've had enough or it's something they wouldn't do, or party B who was wronged and is retaliating within their own ideas of what is right?

 

It's all very tricky.

 

I would not do what this BS is doing, and many others wouldn't. Calling your son was a bit much, but then there is also the idea that probably in her mind what she's doing is warranted and is child's play compared to her years of pain. Perhaps she is very misguided, as you were not the sole person responsible for the hot mess, but again, I think when we get into affairs, especially ongoing ones, for years on end....it's like going into an unknown war zone, where for all you know "the other" is only used to guerilla war far thus the Geneva convention and fair fighting do not apply, so you have to be aware of that and decide whether or not you want to risk that. You can't invade a country so to speak with tear gas then get upset that they retaliated by using bombs....

 

But for her hown good she does need to move forward with her life, as chasing behind you and family members of yours is just truly a waste of time. You have your lessons to learn and you have your own pain to endure without her peeping through your window and calling your family....she should focus on hers and leave justice up to the Universe.

 

.2 cents.

 

Great post! I agree that calling your child (did she call really call the child or did the child just happen to answer the phone?) is a bit over the top and not something I actually condone. You think she is trying to hurt your child whereas you are not trying to hurt her child, however she probably doesn't see it that way at all. She likely does see you as a very big threat to her childs life and well being. You say that you butted into her life but your child didn't, your family didn't, your inlaws didn't etc. Well her child, her family and her inlaws aren't butting into your life either. It is the BW who butted into your life. I get that you feel like she involved a lot of people who had nothing to do with this and they shouldn't be hurt by it, but don't you think that her children, her inlaws and her family are also hurt by the actions of you and your MM? She likely thinks that if her parents, her children and the rest of her family have to suffer because of this, so should yours. Personally I'm a way different type than her and I would have kicked my cheating husband to the curb a long time ago, but I can see her line of reasoning here. I can also see how you apologizing to her and then continuing the affair anyways probably really riled her up to. I would rather an OW openly despise me rather than pretend she cares and is sorry for my suffering while continuing to carry on the very same behavior she claims to be sorry for. Oh that would get me good and mad.

[SidLyon]

SL, My heart aches for you and your situation, it really does. That is awful.

 

With my A, yes, I willing knew what I was doing, but was so convinced that this was what the good Lord himself wanted, I was so blind.

 

I still think a lot of times we find ourselves saying to not lay blame on the BS because she has been gaslighted and driven to the brink of insanity, and most of all crushed. And I agree, to an instint. When we are hurt, we all lash out....absolutely. Is that the "right" thing to do, absolutely not. But normal and common. And when you have all of the above stated emotions going on, your not thinking clearly. But, neither is the OW most of the time when she is getting involved in the A. I understand wanting to put an end to it, if you can, if you wanting to save your M. But, when the line is crossed and it becomes that you are intentionally hurting people, whether it be the OW or their family or ex family. That is just wrong. And it completely takes away any validity you have. For all that is going on is, no accountability....blaming the OW and the S for hurting them so they have the right to do as they please. Her actions were absolutely driven to that place, but what she does with them...thats on her. Just as my actions are on me, and xMM actions are on him. Nothing should ever be considered "fair game" because someone has intruded into your life and hurt you. Talking to the OW is fair game sure, but intentionally setting out to hurt people is not.

 

 

My son was not of legal age, he was a little boy. And that is in my book, disguisting. And that is not "fair game". That is manipulative, and evil.

I understand your H's OW kids was of legal age....but I ask you. What are you hoping to get out of that? Hurting the child and mothers R? I just can't imagine how you can make that okay with in your mind. Just seems your doing a whole lot of concentrating on someone else and devasting them, rather than working on you. Because when it all boils down to it, you are what matters to you. Is your H still with this woman? How long ago was this? Just curious.

 

As I already said it's not OK for a child to be contacted.

 

My d-day was nearly 3 years ago and my contact with the OW's parents-in-law was a few weeks later. My contact with her adult son was only after she contacted my H out of the blue one day, after promising me she would never contact him again. This was about 6 months after d-day. My H had kept his promise to me, to not contact her again, but she did not.

 

She wanted him to meet with her and when he said "no" she practically begged him not to tell me she'd called. He did tell me as it was part of his promise to me. My immediate reaction was to tell her son. I had met with her a few weeks earlier and had told her then, that the only reason I had not already told her son was because she had kept her promise not to contact my H.

 

What did I hope to get out of it you ask? Well her to stay out of my life and family. I told her that if she continued to behave as if she had a right to interfere in my life then she could expect that I would consider myself entitled to interfere in hers. It was her choice to hurt and betray her BH and children. If her relationship with the rest of her family was damaged it is due to her own actions. Do you blame the media when you find out bad news that upsets you? Of course not. I was just the messenger and I didn't need to lie about her. Her actions alone were sufficient.

 

She was married with one small child when she started with my H. She had a baby during the A and her H and family believed it was his. She was just ending an A with another guy at the time she started with my H so there are (at least) 3 potential fathers of this little boy who is now 9 years old. If he is her H's son then she totally betrayed them all by having an A with my H throughout her pregnancy. She then started up another A with a MM shortly before her H died, while saving the lives of her and her son. She pretended to be grief-stricken when her H died but continued to lead on my H and the other MM until our d-day.

 

I am astonished that somehow you think it was my fault that her family and children were hurt.

 

But it's hardly surprising as you seem to blame the BW in your situation for hurt suffered by your own family. She has behaved badly yes, and should never have contacted your young son, but any hurt suffered by your (adult) nearest and dearest is mainly attributable to whatever you did. I'm assuming she didn't physically assault anyone or damage property, in saying this.

 

I haven't had any contact with my H's OW for a long time now and only the once with her son nearly 2.5 years ago.

[wannabdone]

As I already said it's not OK for a child to be contacted.

 

My d-day was nearly 3 years ago and my contact with the OW's parents-in-law was a few weeks later. My contact with her adult son was only after she contacted my H out of the blue one day, after promising me she would never contact him again. This was about 6 months after d-day. My H had kept his promise to me, to not contact her again, but she did not.

 

She wanted him to meet with her and when he said "no" she practically begged him not to tell me she'd called. He did tell me as it was part of his promise to me. My immediate reaction was to tell her son. I had met with her a few weeks earlier and had told her then, that the only reason I had not already told her son was because she had kept her promise not to contact my H.

 

What did I hope to get out of it you ask? Well her to stay out of my life and family. I told her that if she continued to behave as if she had a right to interfere in my life then she could expect that I would consider myself entitled to interfere in hers. It was her choice to hurt and betray her BH and children. If her relationship with the rest of her family was damaged it is due to her own actions. Do you blame the media when you find out bad news that upsets you? Of course not. I was just the messenger and I didn't need to lie about her. Her actions alone were sufficient.

 

She was married with one small child when she started with my H. She had a baby during the A and her H and family believed it was his. She was just ending an A with another guy at the time she started with my H so there are (at least) 3 potential fathers of this little boy who is now 9 years old. If he is her H's son then she totally betrayed them all by having an A with my H throughout her pregnancy. She then started up another A with a MM shortly before her H died, while saving the lives of her and her son. She pretended to be grief-stricken when her H died but continued to lead on my H and the other MM until our d-day.

 

I am astonished that somehow you think it was my fault that her family and children were hurt.

 

But it's hardly surprising as you seem to blame the BW in your situation for hurt suffered by your own family. She has behaved badly yes, and should never have contacted your young son, but any hurt suffered by your (adult) nearest and dearest is mainly attributable to whatever you did. I'm assuming she didn't physically assault anyone or damage property, in saying this.

 

I haven't had any contact with my H's OW for a long time now and only the once with her son nearly 2.5 years ago.

 

 

I am astonished that you don't see that calling someone who had nothing to do with the A, wasn't on you that you hurt them. Did she hurt her family all on her own with her actions....absolutely! How did calling her son keep her from intruding in your life? Does her son "own" her and can physically keep her tied in the house where she can't go anywhere, and keep all phones and other media away from her so she can not contact your H? When it boils down to it, it is the person who wishes to remain in their M to keep the A from not happening. You are not a divinely appointmented being from God that has been sent to be the messager. IMO that is the thought process that makes people okay with their actions.

 

I will admit, this lady sounds like a real piece of work. 3 A, 3 potential baby daddy's, H that is dying, and she is carrying on 2 A (if i'm reading it correctly) during that time. WOW! And shame on her after your H told her to stop contacting him and was working on your M, that she tried to beg him back. Sounds to me like a very sad and lost soul. But I found it interesting in your post and one comment in paticular....

 

"She pretended to be grief-stricken when her H died but continued to lead on my H and the other MM until our d-day"

IMO I almost get the impression that you act like it was solely her, that she "lead" your H on. Did he not make a choice in this as well?

 

So with being the messenger as you put it, did you sit your children down and tell them that their father had cheated on you? Betrayed you? Lied to you and them? Possibly fathered another child? Just curious, since you felt that people deserve for everyone to know. Did you call his parents and friends and tell them all the same thing?

 

My point is, that it seems very often that we like to label the OW as the sole responsibility for the A. That the poor MM was just a victim of this evil womans doing. And there are probably certain cases where the person that is doing all of the chasing is the OW/OM. But A LOT of cases its the other way around. We also like to say then that the OW then has the right to have revenge thrown upon her in the outlook of being "the right thing to do". No one died and left us as the judgers, messengers, and revenge seekers of the world.

 

I look at it that two wrongs make a right is a phallacy. Do people deserve to have justice for their wrongs? YES! Are we the appointed people to seek that justice? NO. If I have someone hurt me, then I turn around a hurt someone purposesly, I see myself as no better than them.

 

And if you look at it in the way that you have the right to do so. Then you need make sure you look at it that everyone has the right to do so. So, if this child who you called someday turns around and hurts you because you intruded on his life, when he played no part, well thats just "fair game". If you blame everything you do because of someone's actions, then don't get on to other people when they blame everything they do on someone elses actions. Whats fair is fair...right? Because when you start looking at fairness only being for a specific group of people, then your outlook is no longer valid, and is then considered to be your own agenda, and actually not a behavior that you stand firm on that is okay and acceptable. So, if someone writes in a post and calls someone a name, because they are hurt, then it really isn't worth you saying it judges their character. Because it was just a statement, not even an action to hurt her, in everything you are saying, that statement was completely justified. And if the 6 other people in my story that were hurt and were innocent then decide to turn around and do something to hurt her and her family, their actions are justified because after all that is "fair game".

 

And if it has been 3 years since your H had an A, it might be time to work on that bitterness you are feeling. Contacting another child YEARS after someone had an A, is a bit extreme IMO, and shows nothing more than hard feelings and revenge. You and your H are happy now, I hope, move on and continue to be happy. Don't keep hurting people, just because years ago you were hurt. You are doing nothing but keeping the A alive by doing that, and continuing to do damange that comes along with that.

 

Bottom line, I think everyone has to be accountable for their own actions at the end of the day. And somewhere we have to put a stop to carrying out revenge on others, and concentrate on good things. This is truly how really awful things happen in this world.

 

I think this is just a point were we agree to disagree. I do see your points, and think you make a valid argument for somethings, but then on others I just have the opposite opinion on them.

 

I'm glad that you and your H have found happiness. You two are probably better and stronger after it all.

[wannabdone]

Great post! I agree that calling your child (did she call really call the child or did the child just happen to answer the phone?) is a bit over the top and not something I actually condone. You think she is trying to hurt your child whereas you are not trying to hurt her child, however she probably doesn't see it that way at all. She likely does see you as a very big threat to her childs life and well being. You say that you butted into her life but your child didn't, your family didn't, your inlaws didn't etc. Well her child, her family and her inlaws aren't butting into your life either. It is the BW who butted into your life. I get that you feel like she involved a lot of people who had nothing to do with this and they shouldn't be hurt by it, but don't you think that her children, her inlaws and her family are also hurt by the actions of you and your MM? She likely thinks that if her parents, her children and the rest of her family have to suffer because of this, so should yours. Personally I'm a way different type than her and I would have kicked my cheating husband to the curb a long time ago, but I can see her line of reasoning here. I can also see how you apologizing to her and then continuing the affair anyways probably really riled her up to. I would rather an OW openly despise me rather than pretend she cares and is sorry for my suffering while continuing to carry on the very same behavior she claims to be sorry for. Oh that would get me good and mad.

 

I completely agree with you!!! I would be pissed if someone said sorry, then started it back up, no matter if it was them or their H that initiated it. It was wrong. It makes no difference as to when I apologized, but just to make it clear, that apology didn't come until this last time. The other conversations where different than that. But never the less, I was wrong. And I do not want to be involved with this any longer, and won't be.

 

As far as calling my son....That I never asked. I have a cell and she knows the number, she called my home phone several times and talked to my son. One time was when she explained to him when he was 7 that his mommy was a whore, and then went into what a whore was. And how I had been ****ing (and yes, that was her word), her H, and how I probably was going to die because of all the nasty dieases women who do that get. That is pretty much all I know about the convo, as that was all my 7 year old who was bawling uncontrollably could spit out. He got off the phone thinking that his mommy slept with literally every man in the city and was probably going to die now. It was tacky and distasteful, and really was nothing more than her hurting a little boy. A little boy who had already been hurt by his mothers actions in the first place.

 

I carry a large amount of guilt for falling in love with someone I shouldn't. I am working on forgiving myself.

 

I just think it is a very fine line as to what is considered acceptable and not. But do I see when people are hurt and angry they do stupid things. Oh yes. Indeed. I lived the last 10 years of making stupid decisions based on emotions. Not a good place to be in.