Re: how can i change his opinion of me?

[Tony T]

He has a lot of scars from the days when you put him through living hell and he put up with it. He put up with it because he was immature, had poor self esteem and was truly in love with you. Now, he is a bit older, more mature, and can look back at the days when he took your crap and it isn't a pretty picture to him.

 

When he looks back, he realizes what a fool he was (and a lot of people have told him such) so since you are there now, and the situation seems to be reversed, he is taking out his delayed anger at the way you treated him on you now.

 

It is totally impossible for him to have the same feelings toward you now that he had before. The love he felt for you when you treated him nastilly was an unhealthy love based on his very poor self-image, his desperation to be with you, etc. At the time, it probably sickened and repulsed you.

 

I don't think either one of you has evolved to the point of being able to engage in a healthy relationship. He is taking out his anger on you from the past and probably realizes now that in some perverted way he was after you before because he relished the pain of rejection and the challenge of trying to get you thinking differently of him. Now that you have changed, you have really upset his applecart.

 

Both of you need heavy duty counselling from a really sharp as a tack therapist to piece this together and make it work. There are so many nasty dynamics going here you won't ever get it together without help. It is just ashamed that things had to be the way they were in the past. He will not forget it. Because he has grown and matured, he is acting toward you now like he would have liked to act toward you before when you were mean to him.

 

You have some severe anger and temper problems that you will really need to work on or you will never have a good relationship with anyone. But you will make it. My guess is that you have had anger problems dating back to your childhood. That's where your control issues have their origin as well.

 

Call this karma or whatever, I think it might possibly be saveable, but it's a longshot. If the two of you can talk civily and decide you want to work at it, get professional help and go from there. It also sounds like each of you may need to work on issues individually as well.

 

I sense a lot of fear and anger in your background. I sense a lot of abuse, low self esteem, and a lot of being taken advantage of in his background. Your guy also doesn't like himself a whole lot because he has had to work like hell for love all his life and has gotten slammed for it. He, too, has the same problem as you, though. Fear of intimacy and closeness...fear of abandonment. However, he has always chosen women who were mean to him because of his fears...you weren't the first.

 

Good luck with this. A very interesting situation.