Ilmhb3 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 This is interesting on a few levels... Jessica, I can relate to the ups and downs and back and forths you must be having in your mind. The parts of your posts where you talk about him saying he "doesn't know what will happen" stand out to me, since my MM is saying the same thing to me currently as he sorts through full-blown Dday. There had been suspicions before from his W, but he is Very good at reassuring - I've seen it first hand. Knowing the circumstances he was able to get himself out of previously (her finding txt messages b/t us professing our love, and missing each other etc) it made me wonder, 'what is he telling her to get out of this crap???' I compartmentalize, and was able to block that out along with many other thoughts. We truly don't know what goes on the other side. For me, MM ALWAYS would tell me how he has never been dishonest or disloyal to ME. I believed this. But as someone else pointed out, omitting facts is also a lie. Since Dday, he has been "doing what he has to do" and part of me is dying to wait it out, like you, hope that he realizes it's me he loves. But as I work towards complete NC, and receive calls from him "not knowing why he was calling, just to hear my voice" he guesses, I know that he is keeping me as an option. I have no doubt that he loves me, but I know that he is begging, and apologizing, and saying whatever he has to say on the other side in order to restore what he sees as 'normalcy' and 'what's right'. He is going to see his parents this weekend and told me that he asked W to go with him to sit down while he tells them everything, but he "didn't know what she was going to do", if she'd go with him or not. Why say that when obv you are going to spill your guts about how you were 'weak' and somehow just happened to wind up in a situation that allowed him to fall into a trap, more or less. I dont want to think that he is blaming me - but of course I'd be foolish to truly think that wont be the case. And now that I will be exposed as the terrible OW that wrecked his M, there's no way I could ever be with him in the way I once dreamed - where I was a full part of his life, parents included. Also, I do recognize what other posters said about the pattern - I know I've been in it and have been struggling to get out. I assumed that since DDay has happened it would end, but reading through posts here, many people have multiple Ddays like you Jessica. When does it end? Anyway, I've injected enough of my own experiences in this reply, but one last note. My MM was sooo possessive over me. If I was in a situation where he Thought I might meet someone, he'd freak. He wanted me all to himself. Your MM doesn't mind? Once I'm strong enough to take that step, I think/hope he will finally let me be. Best Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 26, Great posts! I agree with everything you wrote here. And to t/j just a second, I am enjoying watching you grow and evolve. You have truly been through a ton of crap and you are emerging as this confident, no-nonsense, funny woman. A woman of substance and worth. (Not saying before you weren't worthy). I just really have enjoyed watching you mature and wanted to say GREAT JOB to you! I know it hasn't been easy; I hope you can see the changes and see how much healthier emotionally you are now. Thanks FooledOnce. :-) I am so much happier now & in a much better place. I really appreciate everyone on LS who helped me wise up, including you. Jessica I do wish you the best but I think you need to start being honest with yourself & ask yourself what you truly want & why you're allowing yourself to be controlled by this married man. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I think she meant, she's been speaking to him, but not because she wants him back, because she feels bad for him being homeless. Link to post Share on other sites
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