No spark.

[alizarin]

Hello,

I have been married to my husband for two years now. I love my husband though I cannot say that I am "in love" with him. We have some relationship type problems but communicate a lot better than many couples that I know. Our biggest problem right now though is sex. Basically, I have no feeling of chemistry with him at all. I detest having sex with him & would rather clean house frankly. When we first started dating I had a lot of health problems & so I thought that my lack of interest in sex with him was just part of my health problems. My health has gotten a lot better though & I still have no interest in being physical with him. Part of this may stem from the fact that he smokes & I hate the smell and also that foreplay is just something to be gotten through for him. I have made him read books on the subject & talked to him as well but he just says its my fault, that if I would put out more often we'd get more 'practice' & he'd get better at it. Or else he falls back on the old standard of " no one else has every complained about me in bed!". I truly think he is not teachable & have almost given up on even having tolerable sex much less actively having the hots for him. We tried sex therapy once. He found it to be very interesting/amusing but did not do any of the things the therapist suggested & we frankly could not afford to keep going, it was just too expensive. So now I cannot decide whether to go or stay. Divorcing him & starting over seems like such a huge step to take, is sex really that important in life? I really DO want kids but having enough sex to even get pregnant seems hard. I'm in my mid thirties & its not like I'll get pregnant just like that. I don't think its that my sex drive is gone either because I do feel the urge, just not with him. I read a lot of articles & books about "getting the spark back" and how its normal for sexual feelings to dampen after a few years. I've never read anything though about what to do if it was never there to begin with. A secondary problem (then again maybe it does tie into the sex issue) is that he is kind of immature & I find myself taking a Maternal role. I have always been sexually attracted to strong self sufficient men but the fact that he needs me so much also makes it hard to leave...and of course there are the financial issues of leaving as well.

[FolderWife]

My husband and I used to have a similar problem. He would look at porn and masterbate, and had no interest in sex with me. I started doing sex exactly his way, just so I could get some action. Also, he would make little comments about my appearance, so I worked on my looks. I will always take a shower before aproaching him now, because he's said that when we get busy, he hates the smell of skin. I started wearing perfume. When I FINALLY convinced him to quit masterbating, and work with me, our sex life improved a lot.

 

Now I get a lot more action, but I'm still not completely satisfied. Lately, I've been throwing little hints towards getting what I want, and I let him know he gets what he wants if he wants something too.

 

I did a lot of work to get our sex life to where it is now. It consited of a LOT of pleasing him just to convince him that making love with me is more satisfying than masterbating. He wasnt' giving me a chance!

 

So maybe you need to quit masterbating (if you are) and let your only release come from him. Make an effort to do it his way without any resentment. You have to allow yourself to be martered( or at least I did) and not expect to get anything your way for a while. Just do whatever satisfies him (It's not ideal, but it's what I did, and so far it's worked) then once you've gotten used to how to satisfy HIM in bed, start giving subtle hints on satisfying you.

 

For instance, just the other day, I started on him (kissing all over....doing what HE likes) then once he was good and excited, I rolled over, and said, "Kiss my belly." he was like, "Huh?" I repeated myself. He kissed my belly. I said, "Kiss it some more." When he started kissing it, I made noises like I liked it. Then I asked him to kiss my neck, and breasts, and he did. I liked it. Pretty soon, he was taking over, and pleasing the HECK out of me!

 

I was like, ooooooooooh yeah, the effort has paid off...even if this is the only world rockin I ever get, it was worth all those bj's I suffered through.

 

When I say suffered through, I mean that I suffered through for a month or two. Then I just got used to it, and quite frankly started craving to please him.

 

If partners are selfish (like my husband and I both are/were) in bed, then neither is going to get satisfied. It sounds like both of you want sex your way or no way. If you would make an effort watch a porno and get horny then go to him, if that's what it takes) then maybe he WOULD get better at it. It sounds like you haven't really tried to "teach" him..you just say, "He sucks" and don't give any effort.

 

Before I met my husband, I had GLORIOUS sex. Then when I met my husband, I wanted to wait until marriage with him, and he respected that. On our wedding night, I think he was as disappointed as I was.

 

We weren't compatible for about 2 months, then I stopped getting sex altogether, because rather than make an effort with me, he'd just whack off to porn. I was lucky if I got some once a month! AS A NEWLYWED!!! I started doing favors to him while he watched porn (which I HATED). Then I started doing favores in the bedroom (when I could convince him to have me without porn) then I finally had enough with porn altogether, so I threw out all his movies and magazines, and he got rid of the internet.

 

Now sex is great. It took us a year to get it right, but it's right now. He sure does want it enough, so I know he likes it now, and it's not just a chore to him. I always want it.

 

It sounds like in your case, your husband needs to be the one making the extra effort, since he's the one who wants it, and not you, but it doesn't sound like he has enough sense yet to realize this, so it's up to you, if you want to have good sex ever again.

[meanttolive4ever]

if ur not happy..then leave..i mean if ur not happy there's nothing really you can do about it

[alizarin]

Monday,

THanks for your suggestions. I really have tried telling my husband to do things...and he will do what I ask. I think the problem is that he is not all that interested in pleasing me so much as getting from A to Z as quickly as possible if that makes sense? Meaning he might kiss my breast or something if I tell him too but he does not do it right or as if he really cared whether I enjoy it. He doesn't "mean it" if that makes sense? I miss having a lover who did more than just go through the motions. I used to really put a lot into foreplay in the assumption that if I showed him what I'd like he'd reciprocate. He'd be thrilled to bits that I put in all that extra effort but would still be his usual ho-hum self. He seems to think that just because he is reasonably cute & keeps in shape I should be falling all over myself to just "hop on" so to speak. He's always coming home & telling me about this or that divorced woman that was hitting on him at work as if thats going to make me want him more. On the other hand you may be right that I just need to make myself have sex more often. Maybe if I do it on his terms long enough he will get better at it. I find another problem though is that I am so not into it that he notices & gets mad because I am not enjoying myself. Then he starts in on the whole I-only-want-to-have-sex-if-you-do, not just because you feel like you ought to thing. He gets huffy if he approaches me for sex & I don't want to but on the occasions when I decide I should put out & offer it he frequently turns me down because he says he can tell I don't really want to have sex. I think you may be right too about my being somewhat selfish, I never really thought of myself that way but you may be correct to some extent.

 

Meant-to-live,

I am exploring the option of leaving....its just so complicated. I wish I was younger. I feel like if I leave now I will never have kids because I feel too old to have time to date & wade through the elligible male pool...plus, if I were ever single again I think I would be a LOT more careful about when/if I ever settle down again....so I feel like if I leave this marriage I am kissing my chances of every having children goodbye. I keep thinking there has to be a way I can be happy in life & simply not be bothered about sex. I feel so shallow even thinking about leaving him just because of our sex life.

[FolderWife]

Honey, my husband was ho hum too. I would have sex because I was horney, not because I wanted him particularly. I would get to the point of not enjoying it too, because I ALWAYS have to be on top. My legs get tired, because it takes him so long to finish. If I don't comply when HE wants it, he gets huffy too.

 

I want better sex as well. It is getting better.

 

The way I get my guy going, is to really want it. I understand your resentment, because I've been there, and when you are wanting sex, but resenting your spouse's selfishness, it's hard hard hard to get in the mood I understand. I just started with below the belt workings. Kissing the neck. Whispering in the ear. Bla bla bla. It hurts, because me walking into the room with lingerie doesn't do it for him. at all. I have to make a major effort to get anywhere with him. I am used to walking into a room fully clothed, and my guy wanting to jump me.