Recently married, having some trouble

[Lilacbrushes]

Hello all. I have browsed this forum in the past, but now feel I really need active advice. I am going to throw it out there early that I love my new husband dearly. And this is going to be a veritable wall of text. But bear with me.

 

I got married a couple months ago. I am 22 years old. I was with my husband for around 5 years. Our relationship has been completely wonderful on many fronts, and I can't even express how much I love him. We communicate well, and he is just...a wonderful person. I really can't even describe him, except to say that he is forever patient, understanding, and open. At times, he can be stubborn or overly critical, but honestly, he is a respectful and basically perfect partner.

 

We were each others' firsts, sexually-speaking. He was essentially my first relationship. Went through four years of long distance in college. His time at college was good, while mine was troubled. I drank too much freshman year, and found that I was disgusted by even the smell of alcohol afterward, so no partying for me after that year. Most of my friends transferred, as well, leaving me fairly lost. It took a lot to concentrate and make it through those four years, but when I graduated I knew that I had matured and learned a lot from the experience.

 

Now, my hubby proposed the Christmas of our junior year. We knew we wanted to wait until we were graduated to actually get married, so that's what we did. I became embroiled in planning the wedding; we tried to divide up the tasks equally (he loved helping me, it was very sweet), but realistically, vendors and family always subtly expect more opinions from the bride, and I was entasked with a lot of the details (invitations, etc.).

 

Somewhere during this time, I revealed to him one of my major life mistakes: I had faked orgasms. Not all the time, but sometimes. It was awful admitting that to him, but I knew it had to be done. To his credit, he was a little hurt but understanding, and we started to try to build up our sex life, with my pleasure more as the focus.

 

On the day that we married, I was happy, radiant, and sure. I had always told him that I was certain about him, from Day 1 - and it was true. I looked at him in high school and thought "that's the boy I'm going to marry." It felt like every dream I had was coming true, and with the perfect guy for me. He loves me, I love him, and it showed on our wedding day.

 

Cue to post-wedding day, and I have been quietly falling apart. I feel lost, alone, sick, and above all, supremely guilty. I feel as though I never got to be young, and I find myself turning down sex with him. I feel as though I married my best friend, but not my lover, if that makes any sense. I guess I never fully recognized, until now, that I really did have no basis of comparison, but now that I'm legally committed to him and it's the worst timing in the world, I get the creeping worry that I didn't realize, at 17, what I found inherently sexy and sensual.

 

I know that my story is bound to open a lashing from people, and I understand. I deserve it. I'm crying as I write this; I've been crying a lot. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know what to do. I truly, honestly don't know where to go from here, or what to think. I can't tell whether I want to leave and date someone else, or try to rekindle the "spark" - because I can't tell whether we ever had a spark. What does that feel like? Maybe we had it, maybe we didn't, I don't know. That sounds lame or made up, but I'm trying to be completely honest, as hard as it is.

 

We both have such a high sex drive, but I worry that we just don't mesh sexually. We work hard at it, but at the end of the day, I think we both are more easily turned on by a type of person that isn't found in each other. What the hell were we thinking, getting married before working this out? It seems so damn obvious to me that we should have figured it out BEFORE making it official, but what can I say? We were in love. I loved him, and still do, so it just seemed like it would work out. I didn't question. Now I do, and it's the most haunting thing in the world. I don't know that I've ever been so deeply on edge.

 

I never felt manipulative or untruthful. My feelings and his were genuine. So how did they change in tone so fast? Up until it all became official, I never felt better! I felt like I was on top of the world, in the relationship that everyone dreams of having.

 

I have spent a lot of time agonizing over how much of this I should share with him. On the one hand, we have always had open, honest communication. On the other hand, talking about it seems hurtful. I can't bear to cause him pain, he doesn't deserve it. I have shared some of it with him, and when I do that, it feels surreal - like I'm living someone else's life, or am in a nightmare.

 

He and I are moving soon. I'm going to graduate school, and I'm terrified that with thesis work eating into my time, the chasm between what we should be (hot-for-each-other newlyweds) and what we are (good friends who have somewhat frequent, but not frequent enough to satisfy each other, sex) will just widen.

 

I am, of course, not willing to give up on our marriage. I am working out more, because it helps me to feel secure with my body and sexually motivated. I know that I owe it to him, and to us, to give it my all.

 

There is so much going for us. But I don't know where to start, where to put my emotional stock in, or how to process this. One of the worst parts is that I feel this will either become just one of those things that is included in the "marriage is hard work" set - something we will overcome, as we go on together and build our lives with one another - or our downfall. I never knew anything could even HINT at feeling like it could break us up, until now, and it's all in my goddamn head. It's so internal. But it feels real, so I can't ignore it.

 

One last thing: I would never cheat. I'm totally screwed up right now, but I do know that I would never disrespect him that way. I do not allow myself to venture into that arena, and I won't, even if our marriage took a turn for the worse. So that is certainly not a viable option to explore the confusion I've been having.

 

I know that this post is somewhat vague, and I don't particularly want to reveal specific sexual details, but I will provide more information if needed to give advice. Please, I'm just desperate for input and going crazy here. I don't know if I'm having post-wedding commitment phobia (now that it's legally binding, it feels more stifling), or a sudden realization at just how unfathomable an entire lifetime with only one person is, or even just a "5-year-slump," but I need something. Anything.

Edited September 16, 2011 by Lilacbrushes

[Osiris1234]

I feel as though I never got to be young, and I find myself turning down sex with him. I feel as though I married my best friend, but not my lover, if that makes any sense.

 

Pretty much because he was your first relationship you felt you never got to experience what it was like being in a relationship with other people and have all that "fun" in college and now that your married you feel regret marrying him because you never got to experience that but you don't wanna leave him.

 

Well the only thing i can say is who is worth more?

 

Your husband who you deeply love and who loves you

OR

Your feelings that you never got to be "young and free" and have your "fun" with other people.

 

 

One last thing: I would never cheat. I'm totally screwed up right now, but I do know that I would never disrespect him that way. I do not allow myself to venture into that arena, and I won't, even if our marriage took a turn for the worse.

 

Famous Last Words

 

If your going to graduate school there will be so many opportunities to cheat you'll cave in. (Or i could be totally wrong, everyone is different).

 

 

You have 3 options here.

 

1-Leave him,go have your "fun" and then find another guy to marry.

2-Stop feeling as though you never got to be "young", its not that big of a deal.

3-Make it an open relationship so both you and him can both see other people and have your "fun" while still in love with him.

[coffeecat]

OP, you sound like a fool.

 

What is "fun"? Going around screwing different guys? Don't buy into the media hype that it is "glamourous" to be young and promiscuous and that married life is stale and boring.

 

I met my husband when I was 18, married him when I was 19. He was 30. I specifically dated him and other older men because I was getting sick of guys my age. They all screwed around and thought life and relationships were a joke.

 

So you found someone who is not like that. That is rare. He is your best friend and you have good communication. Having good communication is the key to having a good sex life. Sometimes ( maybe even most of the time) people don't just naturally mesh sexually. They have to work together and communicate. If you think that's easy to find with random other guys that you are wrong. It's not.

[TBH]

although it is not 'the norm' it isnt unheard of to get post nuptial blues.

 

thing is we tend to think when we hit 18 that that is how we are always going to feel. within ourselves and about other people.

 

thats just not true though and we do keep changing forever. getting married is one of those life events that can produce some rather frightening emotional side effects. we expect that we are going to be blissfully happy, expectations are so high that the 'come down' after all the hype leading up to the wedding can make us feel a bit deflated.

 

I'm not saying thats all it is but getting married does make you feel differently about yourself and what you want. so dont worry that in your mind its all over, it could just be a phase.

 

I would give it a little more time. dont be afraid to speak to your husband about it. he's probably already noticed something is up and he'll be relieved more than anything if you talk about it.

then just go from there and see where things lead you. you do have time so dont rush any decisions you make.

[denise_xo]

Hi there. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I would start here:

 

I have spent a lot of time agonizing over how much of this I should share with him.

 

I think you should tell him everything. Getting this out in the open will be key for the two of you moving forward. Don't repeat your mistake of faking orgasms. It looks like you have a history of holding back information (I understand you don't do this for malicious reasons, but it can still create very negative relationship dynamics). If you need help to open up more, try reading the book 'Radical Honesty', it's very useful and comes with practical advice.

 

Who knows, perhaps he also feels that you both married too fast? What if he is feeling the same and isn't sharing it with you, either?

 

You can't solve this without the two of you communicating openly about it. Start there and get some marital counselling as well if you need it.

 

Good luck.

[Lilacbrushes]

Thank you for the input, guys.

 

Osiris1234--

That was blunt, but I think it sort of sums it up. At the end of the day, you are right - I have limited options. In concrete terms, those are about the only things I have to choose between. Each has the potential for some sort of regret.

 

And I know that plenty of people have said "I would never cheat!" only to eat their words...it definitely happens. I have no way to predict the future, but I just don't see it happening. I wasn't as much of a social butterfly as he was, all told, in undergrad - but there was opportunity, and I turned it down. I can't wrap my mind around cheating, there's no way to justify it for me personally. (Wish the rest of the mess seemed so straightforward.)

 

coffeecat--

I know, I do sound like a fool. It is foolish. I have berated myself, but it hasn't seemed to break through yet.

 

I also think there is a lot of wisdom to your post. It's harsh, but it's probably the reality - is there a guarantee that I would find someone more sexually compatible right off the bat? Obviously not. After years, decades, even? Nope. Communication is a huge component of sexuality, you are right. I will think more about what you have said.

 

TBH--

I wish the frightening emotional side affects were discussed more! I feel like all the other newlyweds I know are all *giggle giggle, it's so great to be all over each other all the time!* and we're just...not there. I feel defective somehow. Marriage has made me think about what the rest of my life means, and it's scary. I can't even fathom it.

 

It's exactly right that in your teens, you are so certain that you think you know how it all will go. And I do wonder whether the "high" of the wedding was bound to lead to a spiraling "wait, what now?" feeling.

 

I definitely won't do anything rash. I'm sorting things out, trying to work on myself. It's painful but it certainly makes more sense than anything else.

 

denise_xo --

I do have that pattern. I have such a hard time causing him any pain, and he is SO put together that I sometimes feel as though I'm holding him back, or something? Burdening him with my turmoil? I don't know, sometimes my own thinking is so convoluted that I'm not really sure how to even begin explaining things to him. Regardless, there is work to be done and I will look into that book. Thank you very much for the suggestion.

 

Unfortunately, he's not very receptive to counseling. I have suggested it before, recently at that, and he is very much a do-it-yourself, "work out your problems with the help of your friends and your own strength" type of individual. He's gone through extremely tough things in life, and managed to "fix" himself, so getting him to see the necessity for counseling is difficult. He views it, so he has told me, as a rather drastic tool.

 

A sort of update: I talked with a friend today about what's going on in my head. She's a good friend of many years, and very level-headed, so I think the conversation was a worthwhile one. I try not to air dirty relationship laundry to too many people (such as: parents), as I have found it can poison others' opinions of your SO, but she knows that I love my husband and she also knows my past demons and weaknesses.

 

I tried to pinpoint whether or not I'm being influenced by my peers to want to "get out there and have fun" (sort of like when girls feel the heat is on to get married soon, because they see their friends getting hitched). I'd like to think that I'm not that easily susceptible, but it was an idea. However, my friends are all at various life stages, and most of them aren't huge party animals/promiscuous at this stage in the game. I don't get any sense, upon reflecting, that it's simply a matter of wanting to go out because Jill and Amy get to sleep around and party.

 

The identity component does seem potent, though. It's cliche to say that 20-somethings do a lot of soul searching and figuring themselves out, but I guess it's true. I feel as though my entire youth, thus far, has revolved around him. I didn't get into the undergraduate school that I really, really wanted, but when I looked back it helped to think "well, the one that I went to was closer to him." I defined my past, present and future on our relationship, and on him specifically. Nobody forced me to do this, so I realize that it's my own fault if I now feel that I never got to be a free agent. It just felt so natural at the time, so right.

 

I'm still processing. I talk about it every day with him. We take long walks that help a great deal to keep my thinking calm. When we're moving, my mind feels less cluttered, and it's easier to spill things to him. Again, thank you for the input so far!

[KathyM]

I have a few suggestions/observations to make:

 

1. As someone else mentioned, you are probably in a bit of a let down phase where you were so busy and excited about planning the wedding, that now that it is over and you are faced with normal everyday life, you are feeling that something is missing--the excitement, the fun, the anticipation. The wedding may be over, but now is the time to to bring those things (fun, excitement and anticipation) into the marriage. The wedding is just the start, it's not the finale. Now is the time you build excitement, fun and anticipation with your new husband. You plan exciting, fun and enjoyable things to do with your new husband. Plan some exciting trips together, some exciting activities together, some new hobbies together, etc. Now is the time to enjoy your young married life--to enjoy each other's company, before it becomes more complicated with children, etc.

 

2. Now is the time to experiment/explore your sex life with your husband. You say you have to fake an orgasm. I'm assuming he has a lot to learn about how to be a competent lover. You were both pretty inexperienced when you married, but you can both learn together. Having a good, fulfilling sex life is a matter of learning the techniques of pleasing your spouse. Learning the skills involved in making love. That is learned behavior, and something you are both very capable of learning. Believe it or not, most men really don't know how to really please a woman sexually. That is what I have read. Love making is a skill that can be learned and practiced with each other. Buy some books on the topic. Read material on the internet on how to please your partner sexually. Try different techniques. Experiment. Don't give up on a spouse and be resigned to not be satisfied, or worse yet start thinking having it with someone else is the answer. Learn the techniques together. Learning and experimenting together is how to build an enjoyable sex life with your husband. And it's a process that never ends. Trying new things is the mark of a healthy, varied sex life. People mistakenly believe that having a different partner is the answer to spice up your sex life. Well, it's not. Experimentation and creativity with your spouse is what keeps your sex life happy and enjoyable.

 

3. Be confident in your choice of a spouse. You were compatible for three years now--very much in love with the person. The single, dating life is not more enjoyable than sharing love and life with your soul mate. I married early on as well. Met my husband when I was 18. Married him when I was 19. Been happily married now for many years. Your young married life is the best time of your life. Enjoy every minute of it. Enjoy having someone to come home to every night. Someone special to share your life with. Someone who is your best friend, and who cares about you and loves you. The fickle dating scene can't hold a candle to having your soul mate with you to share your life.

 

4. Last, but not least, never stop working on yourself. Set goals for yourself. Develop a life plan. Determine what you want to do personally with your life--your career and your interests. Just because you're married, doesn't mean your life has to revolve around only your husband. You also owe it to yourself to work on and spend time on your goals and interests as well. You can still pursue those. Now you'll have a companion to encourage you.

Edited September 17, 2011 by KathyM

[StoneCold]

We both have such a high sex drive, but I worry that we just don't mesh sexually. We work hard at it, but at the end of the day, I think we both are more easily turned on by a type of person that isn't found in each other. What the hell were we thinking, getting married before working this out? It seems so damn obvious to me that we should have figured it out BEFORE making it official, but what can I say? We were in love. I loved him, and still do, so it just seemed like it would work out. I didn't question. Now I do, and it's the most haunting thing in the world. I don't know that I've ever been so deeply on edge.

 

.

 

What I'm curious of is... how did you even get to the point of marriage if you were never sexually attracted to him???