Old pictures...that make me wanna barf! What should I do?

[Chibaby]

SOoooooo, here's my life. "So sad!!" My biggest problem is my boyfriend refuses to throw away pictures of his ex, even though he insists we're together forever. If that's the case, I think it wouldn't matter to him, because it's in the past. It bothers me that memories of her aren't enough, and he needs something to look at. Thus I have developed a real problem with my boyfriend's ex. For some reason I have a serious problem comparing myself to her. In high school I was totally ugly and unpopular. Never even got asked to a dance...so sad! On occasion, about once every four months we run into her "THE EX", and it makes me feel really insecure. She was the vice president of her high school, one of the most attractive girls, works in finance and dated my boyfriend for four years until he broke up with her. Although now she's overweight and marrying someone else, I can't help feeling that she's haunting me. I do think I'm an attractive girl, more so than she is now (perhaps not more so than what she used to be) but that's not the problem. People "happen" to bring her up in conversaition even though they know I'm his girlfriend and she still seems interested in maintaining a relationship with him, although he is not. They do not talk unless she corners him. We have been dating for three years now, but I still have issues of insecurity. For instance, he wore a shirt she made for him which had a sexual innuendo that said "I just joined the mile high club" which I thought was completely inappropriate and disrespectful to wear around me. I forgave him, but he wore it a second time and I flipped out! I was RAGING!! In fact, I'm still seething! He claims he didn't remember us having that conversation, but I still cannot fathom why he would even wear it around me, regardless of the conversation. SO RUDE! Also, he keeps pictures of her around and refuses to throw them away on the issue that he wants to be in control of what he keeps. I threw mine out when we first started dating. I can not understand this, but what makes me upset is that he knows I am insecure about these pictures, and he promised to get rid of them before, and he hasn't. (I did not ask him to get rid of them, I only said they made me insecure and uncomfortable, he offered to.) I am not trying to tell him what to do, I know it's his choice, but it bothers me that his choice is to keep them around. Why would he need them if he's not with her? He doesn't even look at them so what's the point of keeping them around? That's what memories are for. IT drives me nuts that memories aren't enough for him. Another issue seperate from this one is the fact that he maintains a time schedule that makes me insane. He'll only come over to my house to spend the night if it's "planned" at least 24 hours in advance, although he knows I will come over to his place at the drop of a hat. Also, he and my best friend don't get along. She is fine with him, but they were in an argument one night and he can't get over it. It wasn't anything serious, he just thinks it was a respect issue. My last relationship my boyfriend and best friend didn't get along either, and she's still around and he isn't. Maybe this is telling me something??? What should I do? I know this is a ridiculous thereaputic thing for me to blab to strangers, but I am totally lost about what to do. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated!!!

[befuddled11]

As for the issue of his ex's pictures.....let me ask you this: are they in a box somewhere deep in the recesses of his closet (as in, not out in the open)..or does he have pics of her around his place? lying loose in drawers? in places where you can't help but come across them?

 

I've encountered this issue several times before....and here's my take on it.

 

I think that women have a much easier time tossing out pics and memorabelia (sp?) from their exes. They're generally better able to put the past in the past and focus on the future. I never had an ounce of difficulty tossing out pics of exes, I was usually GLAD to do so because looking at the pics made me want to shake my head or laugh LOL

 

But I think that guys are different....ESPECIALLY when their girlfriend hints/suggests/asks them to get rid of these kinds of things. I think that in most cases, the pics don't mean diddly to them, but they just get their "back up" when they're asked to do this. I think it's a lot about them feeling "controlled"..and guys don't like to have to give up control. They don't want to feel pushed or coerced or guilted into doing something. Get what I'm saying? They might be afraid if they give into "this", then they'll always have to be giving into things.

 

I think part of it, too, is them wanting to hang onto things like this because it makes them feel studly.....err....it sort of boost their ego to be able to look back at "what they had."

 

I don't understand, however, how a person in a relationship can knowingly do or not do something that's the cause of stress and upset to their partner. But hey, that's just me.

 

So again....where are all these pics? How accessible are they? Are they out there "in your face" or do you only find them if you're snooping around for them?

[bluechocolate]

Where are these photo's? Are they in frames around his place for everyone to see?

 

If so then you have every right to be concerned about them. It indicates to me that he hasn't gotten over her. And wearing that shirt in your presence is inconsiderate to your feelings.

 

He's promised to get rid of these photo's and hasn't. Demands respect from your friends and can't get over a silly argument. If he loved you he would try and patch things up with your best friend just so things were OK with all of you. And this thing about needing 24 hours advance notice to come over to your place would make me very suspicious if I was in your shoes. And you've been dating for three years!!

 

It may just be time to start dating someone else.

[End of my rope]

I had a similar issue with my fiance and pictures of his ex he was with nearly five years. What did I do? Shortly after moving in together I cut all the pictures up into teeny tiny peices and he never mentioned it b/c he had told me numerous times before that he would throw them out. I am fully aware it was wrong for me to do that, but I wouldn't tolerate pictures of her in our house, in the house we were to build a life together in.

 

I have no regrets.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by End of my rope

I had a similar issue with my fiance and pictures of his ex he was with nearly five years. What did I do? Shortly after moving in together I cut all the pictures up into teeny tiny peices and he never mentioned it b/c he had told me numerous times before that he would throw them out. I am fully aware it was wrong for me to do that, but I wouldn't tolerate pictures of her in our house, in the house we were to build a life together in.

 

I have no regrets.

 

With one of my exes, he had a huge shoebox of pics and love letters from his ex (the one before he dated me) sitting on the floor of his bedroom closet. The door to his closet was always open, I could always see the box. Some pics were pretty steamy...same with the letters. He should have hid them away if he didn't want to toss them...but he wouldn't, and I already knew about them. I could have simply tossed them out myself, but it meant more for HIM to do it. I wanted to visibly see HIM cut the ties and do the deed. Had I been the one to do it, I would have always wondered if he'd ever have done it himself.

 

Mind you, this was also the guy who had been previously married....and had about 5 or 6 bags of pictures from his past life with his wife..from the time they dated in school to their early 20s to their wedding to their honeymoon to their children to everything. He even kept their wedding album, for crying out loud. None of this was hidden anywhere......the wedding album was kept on the floor in his daughter's closet, a place I went into often when putting their clean clothes away.............and all the bags of pics were sitting out in the open in our basement, stacked up on boxes he'd never unpacked.

 

Needless to say, I'm no longer with him

[moimeme]

Of course, he was neat and clean and tidied everything else promptly except these, right?

 

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by moimeme

Of course, he was neat and clean and tidied everything else promptly except these, right?

 

 

Sorry, Moi..guess you're going to have to really spell it out for me because I can't tell if you're making a snide comment or poking fun at him?

[moimeme]

I'm guessing that the offending articles were in the midst of much more chaos and numerous other neglected items. I suspect he was just a slob and that these were only some of the things he left lying about untouched or unmoved for months at a time, except to be moved aside when he was hunting for something.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by moimeme

I'm guessing that the offending articles were in the midst of much more chaos and numerous other neglected items. I suspect he was just a slob and that these were only some of the things he left lying about untouched or unmoved for months at a time, except to be moved aside when he was hunting for something.

 

I didn't even know the pictures existed (the bags of pics from his ex wife) until after we'd moved in together....which isn't unrealistic because the place he'd lived in (by himself) before was very very small and everything that wasn't a necessity was stored in his garage. I guess these pics must have been out there.

 

He was a very organized guy. These bags of pics were down in our basement......the rec room used as sort of an overflow for things we had duplicates of, or hadn't yet put into place. He was anal retentive about things being organized and in their place.

 

But whether he was organized or not, I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. The fact of the matter was, this was a guy who'd been divorced for over 4 yrs yet he had seemingly every picture ever taken of his wife.......not even discreetly or semi-discreetly hidden or packed in a box. He's the one who ended his marriage. He'd left his (then) wife when she was 5 months pregnant with their 2nd baby girl......leaving her to go shack up with the town crackhead and whore......as you can imagine, totally devastating his (then) wife, to the point where the stress almost caused her to lose the baby. naturally, he left these little details out when I met him....instead telling me that they had mutually agreed to split up when his wife was 5 months pregnant....because they'd "Grown apart" and they had apparently both agreed it was best to both move on.

 

I feel he never got over his grief and guilt for f*cking up his marriage and family...and he clung to these pictures for that reason. Understandable, for sure......but I wasn't about to live with someone else's ghost. By the way, his ex wife was a lovely person, I never had any animosity toward her. She had remarried 3 yrs previously. She was my age, a great mother....and she was very welcoming to me, for I cared for her little girls half of the time. Under different circumstances, we'd have surely have been great friends.

[moimeme]

because they'd "Grown apart" and they had apparently both agreed it was best to both move on.

 

 

I wonder if I could figure out how to build little tiny lie detectors that would fit on a pair of sunglasses?

 

I feel he never got over his grief and guilt for f*cking up his marriage and family...and he clung to these pictures for that reason

 

Ah. Doubt it. I have all my pictures from my whole life. It's my life - my experiences. I am not nostalgic about former fellows, nor do I regret the ends of any of those relationships; but it's MY LIFE!!! I like to keep my history to remind me what I'm supposed to be and do (and not be and do). I'd be very sad if some fellow wanted me to wipe out my past because that would mean that somehow it threatened him I would hope that any fellow I have would feel secure enough in the relationship that it wouldn't even occur to him to think I should get rid of the photos and stuff from the past. And I would want him to keep his.

 

Now, maybe if either of us had erotic stuff from past lives, that would be different, but just the regular photos of everyday life, trips, etc. - I'd never, ever want anyone to destroy their past for me and I'd hope not to be asked to do so, either.

[sportsloving]

I agree with Moimeme. Life is sometimes a bunch of pictures, in fact I have three scrap books full of some the wonders (kids). In those books there are pictures of my ex's ... they are part of my past but they still exist. Throwing out the pictures won't remove them from my life.

 

I don't doubt he feels guilt over what he has done in the past, and maybe they are a reminder to him about what he as a person is capable of? How often is he looking at them, does he even? Can the box be put on a shelf to be forgotten? Have you asked him his opinion of the box?

 

Everything you do, everything you learn, makes you who you are today.

[Dulce_Angel_Whispers]

Why is his Prom picture offensive and making you want to barf? Are you that insecure? He has every right (as do you) to keep pictures from the past. It would be different if they were pics of his exes naked or in sexual positions but if they are just normal pics....(prom pics, hanging out pics, ect) who are you to say he can't have them.

He is willing to throw them all away on account of me, but I feel too guilty, and I don't think he should throw them out cause I want him to...I think he should do it cause he wanted to, but he doesn't. He said the only reason he would want to throw them away would be to keep me happy. TALK ABOUT GUILT TRIP!!! I was really upset because he couldn't throw them away, but then we came to the following agreement: HE said he would throw them all away for me because he loved me, and I said he could keep them as long as I NEVER EVER found them and he told me that he threw them all away. (I figure ignorance is bliss.) The deal was if I did find them, I would be so pissed that I'd chop them personally and bury them in a grave with a decomposing dead person (It was the worst thing I could think of to do to them, I'm not really that gross).

 

Who sounds like they are laying the "guilt trip" these are PICS NOT like he is still with these women! My advice is to chill before you push him away! He shouldn't have to throw away momentos of his life just "to make YOU happy" that's obbesive and wrong!

[meanttolive4ever]

when i was with my ex i ripped up all of his pix with his ex in em..ripped em up n threw them away..but yet he still has my pix in this cabinet by his bed

[Chibaby]

Why is his Prom picture offensive and making you want to barf? Are you that insecure? He has every right (as do you) to keep pictures from the past. It would be different if they were pics of his exes naked or in sexual positions but if they are just normal pics....(prom pics, hanging out pics, ect) who are you to say he can't have them.

Who sounds like they are laying the "guilt trip" these are PICS NOT like he is still with these women! My advice is to chill before you push him away! He shouldn't have to throw away momentos of his life just "to make YOU happy" that's obbesive and wrong!

 

 

OK, take it easy, I wasn't trying to start any hostility with you or anyone else in this discussion.... first off, you are right for blasting me on the insecurity issue, but I'm only human, just like the rest of us. I don't want him to throw these pictures away. I agree he has every right to keep them. I think, like you, that it's not OK for me to push my beliefs onto him. The simple fact is, I don't like them, I wish he didn't want them, but that decision is up to him, not me and I respect that. I simply asked him to keep them out of my sight out of respect for me, which he has done except this one picture. I don't want to look at them every day. We came to the agreement that he can keep them, as long as they are not around for everyone to see. I don't think that is too much to ask. The fact that I feel guilty shows I have a conscience, not that I am obsessive. I don't demand things from him...I converse with him like a normal human being about these issues. I probably should just relax, but it's not like I'm screaming at him to throw them away or giving him an ultimatum. I just request that they are not displayed out in the open. I don't think that's too much to ask, and if he respects me, I think he would find that acceptable, which he has. I just want to know why this one picture isn't put away like the rest of them, and what I should do about it. It bothers me.

[Dulce_Angel_Whispers]

OK, take it easy....

 

Just stating an opinion that I obtained reading your post.....

 

The fact that I feel guilty shows I have a conscience, not that I am obsessive. I don't demand things from him...I converse with him like a normal human being about these issues.

 

Actually you should have had NOTHING to feel guilty about! Ok so you don't "obsess" over this so then let it go!

 

 

 

I just request that they are not displayed out in the open. I don't think that's too much to ask, and if he respects me, I think he would find that acceptable, which he has. I just want to know why this one picture isn't put away like the rest of them, and what I should do about it.

 

You said now there is just 1 picture out on his desk! HIS prom picture....who cares that she is in it a lot of people keep their prom pic displayed. It would be different if you two lived together or were married and he displayed these pictures. You have been with him 3 years Obviously she isn't coming back and since she is MARRYING someone else then I bet she doesn't WANT to come back!

 

Why are you so "obsessed" on how she looked and comparing yourself to her (you said yourself that you do it a lot)....I understand she was more popular than you but it was high school not NOW so for your own sake (seriously) you need to STOP comparing yourself to her...you'll never take her place but that doesn't mean you can't have a better relationship with him than she did but you need to let this petty issue go and remember that he is with YOU not her!

[Chibaby]

Why are you so "obsessed" on how she looked and comparing yourself to her (you said yourself that you do it a lot)....I understand she was more popular than you but it was high school not NOW so for your own sake (seriously) you need to STOP comparing yourself to her...you'll never take her place but that doesn't mean you can't have a better relationship with him than she did but you need to let this petty issue go and remember that he is with YOU not her!

 

I didn't even go to high school with her...so I have no idea how "popular" she was, and I don't care. AND, you're exactly right, it WAS high school, so why does he still keep pictures like this displayed? That's my point. I don't obsess over this to the point that it ruins my relationship/life by any means. I do compare myself to other people at times, but that's normal. I think everyone does it at some point. I KNOW he's with me and not her, and I'm grateful. But sometimes the little things get to me and I think that these problems in relationships should be addressed. And if it matters to me, it should matter to him too, VICE VERSA.

[Dulce_Angel_Whispers]

Yes I agree if these things are important to you then they should be to him and vice versa!

 

 

"I didn't even go to high school with her...so I have no idea how "popular" she was, and I don't care"

 

ok well after reading this:

 

 

" For some reason I have a serious problem comparing myself to her. In high school I was totally ugly and unpopular. Never even got asked to a dance...so sad! On occasion, about once every four months we run into her "THE EX", and it makes me feel really insecure. She was the vice president of her high school, one of the most attractive girls, "

 

It sounded like it was an issue for you! Only he can know why he keeps these pics around but if it is such an issue for you then you should make him realize it means SO much to you then hopefully he'll Do something about it.

[Chibaby]

It sounded like it was an issue for you! Only he can know why he keeps these pics around but if it is such an issue for you then you should make him realize it means SO much to you then hopefully he'll Do something about it.

 

Thanks, I really appreciate your commentary. I respect that your opinions may differ than mine. But all you're doing now is trying make me feel stupid about myself. All I wanted to do was discuss the issue an get an outside opinion. Whether or not you agree, is no reason to make me feel like an idiot because I'm not.

[Dulce_Angel_Whispers]

Thanks, I really appreciate your commentary. I respect that your opinions may differ than mine. But all you're doing now is trying make me feel stupid about myself. All I wanted to do was discuss the issue an get an outside opinion. Whether or not you agree, is no reason to make me feel like an idiot because I'm not.

 

And you get this from where in my comments??? For real you should work on your self esteem! I am in no way trying to make you feel like an idiot! You asked for opinions therefor I am giving mine....all apologies if you can not take them though none of my comments were intended to offend or imply that you're "dumb"

[Chibaby]

Well, thanks for the constructive critisism then. I just misinterpreted the "roll eyes" comment that has since been removed. How do you suggest then I work on my self esteem?

[Dulce_Angel_Whispers]

I saw in your post earlier

In high school I was totally ugly and unpopular. Never even got asked to a dance...so sad!

 

Well that was probably the root of some of the self esteem issue. If that and the pic earlier were pics of you then you are really pretty and I can't see where you get "ugly" from Part of having better self esteem is realizing all your good qualities (which I'm sure you do) and (so I've heard) you've got to think positive as cheesy at that sounds...here is a good website I on self esteem maybe it could help.

self esteem website

 

I think that if you have low self esteem for real it was probably something that stemmed from when you were young, maybe you felt inadequate and even if you've changed physically you are still the same on the inside. It is easy to say "you should feel good about who you are" but I'm sure changing your self image isn't easy!

[InmannRoshi]

Frankly, if my girlfriend tore up irreplacable pictures of my past because of her insecurities, I'd be pretty damn pissed. It would also send up HUGE red flags about her.

 

Pictures often times aren't kept solely to reminisce for the subject in the picture persay, but to think back to that time in our lives and think to the person we once were (and how far we've come).

 

 

... and, of course, to remind us how thin we once were.

[Chibaby]

Frankly, if my girlfriend tore up irreplacable pictures of my past because of her insecurities, I'd be pretty damn pissed. It would also send up HUGE red flags about her.

 

OK, I am not about tearing anything up as much as I would like to. As for the issues with the pictures, out of sight, out of mind works for me. That's what bothers me. They are just lying around, and as far as I'm concerend, it upsets me that he agreed to put them away and didn't. Is that too much to ask?

[RedneckRomeo]

All the events in our lives create memories. Some of those are special to us. I tend to keep pictures of special occasions, even if it is with my ex-crushes, and when I do get a girlfriend, I will still keep them, as those memories are precious to me, they were important times in my life, and though I am having more important times at present, they still mean something to me. Now I do keep them put away, hidden from all in locations that are easy to get at should I feel the need to look back and reminisce on my past experiences. If they are lying around where everyone including you can see them - then I'd be slightly concerned - as you should mean more to him at the present than old pictures, and you'll just have to talk to him and make sure he does put them away somewhere out of sight and only pull them out on occassions few and far between.

 

He may be different and havign those pictures to look at and have lying around might make him realize how great a person you are compared to all his old ex's and fills him with a newfound appreciation for you each and every day. I'm not sure why he hasn't put them away as he said he would, but might he have just forgotten?

[meanttolive4ever]

Originally posted by InmannRoshi

Frankly, if my girlfriend tore up irreplacable pictures of my past because of her insecurities, I'd be pretty damn pissed. It would also send up HUGE red flags about her.

 

Pictures often times aren't kept solely to reminisce for the subject in the picture persay, but to think back to that time in our lives and think to the person we once were (and how far we've come).

 

 

... and, of course, to remind us how thin we once were.

 

i was the one who was ripping up pix. He was even helping me..so apparently it didnt matter too much to him