Heartbroken

[BlueLP]

Hey guys, I could use some people to listen and give me some advice/support about my situation. It's been about a month since my ex "broke up" with me, and about 2.5 weeks now since we've talked, except for an email or two back and forth. We tried to talk every couple days originally, but that was too confusing and we just stopped talking for now because we both need the space. God, I miss her so much I can barely stand it. Every day I want her to call me up so badly, and tell me she's ready to come back. I want to contact her too, but I'm being strong and not doing that since it would just probably push her away more and make me feel bad. So every single day is a struggle to get through, especially the weekends when I know she's probably going out and trying to have fun. I cry almost every day, it's amazing how many things remind me of her and how much I still love her. She's so special and different than other times that this has happened, when I've wanted to move on and see what else is out there. I don't want anyone else, I couldn't hope for someone to understand me and match me as well as her.

 

We broke up after a couple weeks of ups and downs in which she felt confused about her feelings. Eventually she decided that even though she felt confused, she needed to learn how to make herself happy, be "me for me" as she put it, etc. I thought this was the right thing to do because I could see she does need to figure out how to make herself happy better, and because I was tired of a couple weeks of ups and downs. But it hurt so much to know this, because I know that she could do all those things with me by her side. I am so supportive, and loving, and wanting the same changes for her. There's something about loving someone that lets you see their potential as an even more wonderful person, and be happy for them when they seek to make those changes. I guess that if she thinks she needs to be by herself to do those, then that's the only way it can work.

 

We dated almost a year, and it was love like you dream about. Even though we did long distance for the later months, neither of us had ever been so close to someone or so in love. Everyone around us thought we were perfect for each other, and my stupid girl friends always teased me how I would be the first one of us to get married. A year sounds so short for what we had! I've had much longer relationships that never even got close to this one. She is so sweet and beautiful and thoughtful, I've never met a more caring soul in my life. She understood me so well, and always treated me wonderful. Sure, a normal disagreement here and there, but it was a wonderful relationship with none of the problems that sometimes you see in hindsight. She is going into a similar field, so our interests are very similar. On and on and on, she is just the most special person I ever met. I've been in a number of meaningful relationships before, but she was the first one I thought I could spend my life. It was always there like a pleasant dream for the future, with a lot of experiences and closeness to have between now and then.

 

I still can't believe this happened...it seemed like she just freaked out and her feelings faded so suddenly. I think it was a combination of things....she is someone who has struggled with depressed mood, and I think her own personal unhappiness she was feeling leaked into her feelings for me. Originally she was talking about how logically she knew she should still love me as much as she did before, and how she felt mad at herself for not feeling that. She just felt numb. Then she said that once she became afraid that her feelings were slipping, it just made it worse because she worried about it all the time.

 

This spring is also a big one for her life-wise. She's graduating from college in about a month and is dealing with a lot of school stress there (I'm just finishing my first year of grad school in another city). And we made a huge decision this spring....whether she should start at grad school next year at a place about 6 hours away from me, or take a year off to live near me and then reapply next year. The place really fit her (you're lucky to find that in our field), and admissions are so selective that grad school was clearly the best choice....but it meant that we'd have to spend the next 2 years apart before we could be together in the same place again. I think she was worried if she'd be able to get through the 2 years emotionally in her current mental state, even though she really wanted things to work with us.

 

The last time we talked she told me that if we were older she could see herself being with me for the rest of her life, it's just that she's 22 and she feels the need to have experiences for herself. I want to have those experiences with her, and be around her while each of us has our own individual experiences! She's throwing away the best thing that's ever happened to her (as she's told me) because she is confused right now. I want her to grow and know herself better, but don't cast me aside as part of that. Whether a couple changes together is a test of a relationship, and I'd rather have that sort itself out than her seemingly emotionally cast me away so suddenly.

 

I've done the "I need time and space" deal with girlfriends before. I've actually had 3 different girls do that, and then later come back to me saying that they had thought a lot about us and experienced and grown, and I was the best person they had ever been with, and they wanted to be with me again. One girl said she wanted to marry me. And I've never been able to take them back because I've moved on.

 

I hope all day long that this girl will come back, because she seems so different even after the breakup than everyone else. I know what she's going through, and I'd be willing to try to rebuild with her. It's just so hard to imagine that maybe she won't come back around. I don't know what I'll do if that happens. I'll survive, but how do you move on after someone you felt so strongly about?

 

So I do think she has truly confused feelings, and I'm waiting out this period until she graduates and maybe things clear up in her head, but do you think I'm doing the right thing? I constantly wonder in my mind if she's just moving on without my knowledge and when she finally feels ready to call me she'll be over me and I'll be crushed once again. Thanks for reading.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

I think that you should do what she's doing. She needs some time to be happy, and so do you--alone. Before either of you can enter into something permanent, you both need to be your own source of happiness, otherwise whenever you are sad it will be the other person's fault, which would harm your relationship.

 

I'm 21, and the guy I was dating (my first "almost" relationship) is 25, I don't really understand your ex-girlfriend's concept because when I was down, having him around made whatever I was going through easier, not worse. She could be scared, but give her some time to "find herself" and don't try to help her, because she HAS to figure out how to be happy and joyful on her own, before yall can be in a successful relationship.

 

You need to nurse your hurt, and if talking to her makes you feel WORSE, then you need to stop talking to her for a while. I think that with both of you having space either one of these two things will happen either a: you'd realize that you are happier together, or b: you'd realize that you are happier apart. But the good news is that if it is 'A' you both will appreciate each other more.

[BlueLP]

I guess that's what I'm trying to do, use this time for myself....the problem is that I already make myself really happy, I've got all the things going in my life that I want (except for her). I'm a great guy that girls like, I'm where I want to be in school and successful, and I can choose to go out and date other girls, or stay single for a bit if I want, my options are there....I just miss having her in my life because she made it extra special, and there aren't many people like her out there.

 

In the past year, she did always feel better when I was around or talking to her, I think she decided eventually that she was depending on me too much and wanted to do it for herself. She wanted more sources of happiness outside of our relationship, and somehow apparently our relationship was in the way of that (!?).

 

Maybe it's too soon, but this time apart has just made me more sure that she is great and someone I want to be with. I sure hope this time apart brings her to the same conclusion.

 

And if not, I sure hope I can stop thinking about her so damn much. Get me off this crazy thing!