Working on my Marriage... When to Give up Hope?

[Lonely Dove]

I am in serious need of help. After nine years of marriage, I had an affair. Honestly, I lost my mind. I realize there are no excuses and, believe me, I have beat myself up over it to the point of contemplating and even semi-attempting suicide. So, when I explain why it happened, please don’t think I am making excuses for myself. I am merely explaining my situation. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand why I did what I did.

 

My husband and I worked together in a very demanding industry - dealing with helping people, which was very draining and time consuming. In addition to helping my husband with his career, I worked another full-time job and we had a daughter and a baby on the way. My husband would admit that I did bare most of the load in both aspects, work and home. I was completely burnt out and asked my husband several times to lighten my load by having someone else take over some of my responsibilities and by having him help out a little more at home. Nothing ever changed. I continued to have more and more placed on my plate and was not able to give my children the attention they needed or visit my aging mother. I also begrudged my husband because I had thrust myself into his dreams instead of finishing my college degree and following my own dreams.

 

Over time, resentment built up in my heart.

 

Seven months after our son was born, I held my mother’s hand as she died in a hospital room with liver failure. No transplant ever came. Less than two weeks later, I stood by my mother-in-law’s bedside as pancreatic cancer took her life. I was strong through my mothers hospitalization, death and funeral. But as I sat during my mother-in-law’s memorial service, something in me snapped. I literally felt it. A cloud came over me and my mind just wasn’t the same. I don’t know if it was all the stress or the intense double grief, but something happened.

 

I went on Lexipro for the depression, but it did not help. I became a very angry person. I was angry at God for taking two precious women from my life. I was angry at our "people helping" career because it had kept me from doing what I needed to do concerning my family and taking care of myself. I was angry at my husband for never having mercy on me when I was so overwhelmed and always asking for more from me. Even during my mourning, he could not be there for me (nor I for him) because he was mourning too. He became a recluse and a xanax zombie, completely absorbed in his own sorrow.

 

I changed. I went from a very conservative, soft-spoken, thoughtful, kind person to dressing provocatively, having an attitude, and being very rebellious to God and to my husband and to all the rules I had followed my entire life. I had a nine month affair and even slept with a mutual friend a couple times. Hating myself for what I had become, I finally told my husband about the affair and told him I wanted a divorce.

 

He was so angry and wanted to know every detail. I, of course, didn’t want to tell him everything. But, little by little I did end up telling him every little detail of my affair - the who, what, when, where and how. It was painful and humiliating for both of us. But, I never told him about my encounter with our mutual friend.

 

My husband told me he didn’t want a divorce - that he wanted to work things out. But, that there were going to be big changes. He became very possessive and controlling, which I completely understood and allowed considering the trust I had broken. If he wanted to work on our marriage, I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to make it work. I had no freedom, but I did have a second chance.

 

However, I could never help him understand the events leading up to my affair without him feeling like I was making stupid excuses or blaming him - neither of which was true. He just became angrier and angrier. He would call me names and touch me vulgarly. I had no right to initiate or decline sex. He degraded me and told everyone we knew - family and friends - about my mistake. He would throw things and scream. Be kind for a few days and then withdraw. Be angry again and spit out all kinds of insults.

 

He began talking to all kinds of other women - woman at work, old friends, new acquittances. At first, I didn’t feel like I was in a position to do anything about it. I mean, really, look what I had done. But as these women became more and more a part of his life, it became a real problem for me. One girl in particular became very important to my husband and he developed an emotional affair with her. They spoke every single day periodically throughout the day. He would go see her at work. He would tell me he was going to "take a drive" and would go by her house. He gave her money. He bought her groceries, household items and cigarettes. I even stopped by her house, crying, and asked her to please give me some room to work on my marriage. My plea was to no avail as they continued contacting one another in front of my face and behind my back.

 

The final straw for me was when he had left me alone in the vehicle for a moment and his phone was on the console. I picked it up and then I saw two text messages from a co-worker with pictures of her vagina. Then I saw a text from him responding that said "D*mn, you look good!" I kept my cool when he returned to the vehicle. I didn’t say a word. I was just thinking to myself: He is wanting to have an affair on me. He does not want to work on our marriage. I am headed for nothing but pain.

 

As we drove down a country road, he began telling me about how much he wanted us to buy some land and build a house on it. That was when I lost it. I screamed, "You don’t want to build a life with me!" I jumped out of the moving vehicle and called a friend to pick me up.

 

I stayed the night away from home at her house with no car and no clothes. We had gone by my house to pick up my things but he had locked me out of the house and unhooked cables and things in my car so it wouldn’t run.

 

The next day, I took an officer with me to the house so I could get a few personal items and my car, but my husband wouldn’t let me take the children and the officer couldn’t make that decision. I went to stay with another friend that night. I spent the evening texting a few of the girls my husband had been talking to, including "emotional affair girl" and the girl he worked with. I was angry, but I was mostly pleading with them to let me try and save my marriage.

 

Then, my husband started texting me. Said the kids missed me and that I should come home. He said he would be kind. I wanted him and I to work so badly and I missed my babies so at mid-night I got up and drove home. When I arrived, my husband was drunk and did not great me. When I sat down by him, the first thing he said to me was "I mowed [emotional affair girl]’s yard today." That was all it took. I burst into tears and crumpled in a ball in my kitchen. I was so angry at myself for letting him talk me into coming home. I was angry at myself for setting this whole thing in motion. I was angry at him for not seeing the problems in our marriage and truly wanting to fix them. I was angry, sad and in utter dispair. I grabbed a knife and began cutting on my wrists. Nothing deep, but enough to bleed. I am still not sure whether I wanted to die, just inflict pain on myself, or find a way out of the situation, but regardless, I ended up in the hospital.

 

I spent a day in the hospital. They decided I wasn’t crazy - just in a bad relationship that was destroying my self-worth. I filed for divorce the day I was released.

 

For the next month, my husband kept the children from me. I had to ask the Court for an emergency custody hearing just to get 50/50 custody. I cannot even begin to explain the pain I went through being apart from my son and daughter for that length of time. At the custody hearing, my best friend at the time took the stand to tell the Court that I was indeed a good mother and my only instability came from my relationship with my husband. While on the stand, she told everyone about my encounter with the mutual friend. This was the first time my husband heard such news.

 

We were separated for three months. I got an apartment. The bank foreclosed on our house. We ended up having to file bankruptcy. But, I made a decision to move on and be a person I could be proud of. I got on a different anti-depressant, Welbutrin, one that worked! Things began to turn around for me emotionally. I did better at work. And, had a month long relationship with a male friend who basically just supported me during such a hard time. I did not continue or pursue that relationship but was thankful for his support while I battled for my children.

 

About a year ago, two weeks before our divorce was to be final, my husband came to me asking me to consider giving our marriage another chance. He apologized for the hell he put me through after finding out about my affair, promised forgiveness and said he wanted to keep our family together. I struggled with the decision. Our relationship had become so toxic, I wasn’t sure if it could be repaired. I was scared. I had worked so hard to repair myself emotionally. I had worked so hard to start over alone. But I still loved him. And, I wanted to keep our family together too.

 

So, we gave it another shot. I dismissed the divorce. He moved into my apartment. But, the battle wasn’t over. I found out he had traveled to Michigan and slept with an 18 year old girl. It broke my heart. I told him that I had been with someone while we were apart and it sparked the hatred all over again.

 

For an entire year now, we have been on the roller coaster of doing well and loving one another, to something triggering negativity in his mind (whether it be a song, a tv show, passing a vehicle, me saying the wrong thing) and him taking his anger out on me by saying cruel things and severe emotional abuse, to him feeling bad about how he has treated me and wanting to make up for it, to us doing well. And, the cycle starts over and over.

 

I have been so good to him for the past year. I have completely dedicated myself to him and our home. I severed all of my friendships. I get up before the sun every morning and make him breakfast. I get the children ready. I do all the laundry, make his bed, cook his supper. And, I do all these things because I love him and I honestly want us to work more than anything.

 

But, I don’t know how much longer I can take the cycle of love, hurt, hate, heal, love, hurt, hate, heal. The hurting part hurts too bad.

 

Most recently, he was watching an episode of the Doctors and they were talking about spouses giving one another "hall passes." It triggered his hatred all over again. He met me for lunch with a scowl on his face, angry and bitter, saying so many hurtful things. It was like ripping the scab off again. Nothing I had done caused his anger – just his mind.

 

At this point, my heart is shredded.

 

We had a long talk, which was also a mix of him saying how much he loves me and how much he hates what I’ve done. He seems to be unable to see the pain he has caused and is causing me. But, he promised me that, before we make a decision to call it quits for good, that he is going to try not to see me for who I am now and not lash out at me. He asked that, if he slips up, I respond with love. I will try. I will do my best not to let it hurt me.

 

I just don’t know whether he is able to forgive me even though I know he wants to. I don’t know how long to take on the pain before it is enough.

 

I want to keep my family together, but I don’t want to become damaged and wounded beyond repair in the process.

 

How long should the cycle be allowed to continue? When should I keep holding onto hope and when should I let go?

[keepsmilin74]

Aside from taking antidepressants, have you gone to therapy? Have you read any books to learn how to move on and rebuild your marriage?

[Josephina]

It sounds like there are a lot of open wounds for you both. If I were you I'd seek out counseling, both marriage and individual. *hugs*

[country_gurl]

Obviously your husband can't deal with your affair and he's trying to punish you endlessly for it. Regardless of what you did, he is being very abusive and cruel. Is it possible that you can ask him to leave or have his things sent somewhere else if you don't think he'll be willing to leave? I think that for now you really need some time alone and to yourself; with peace and a lack of abuse.

 

It doesn't mean you have to make any rash decision about divorce but I think you 2 need to be apart right now. And tell him that the only hope is for you both to go to marriage counseling together and separately.