dumpee regaining power - changing the BU dynamics, some thoughts and experience here

[Avelia]

My ex broke up with me 1.5 months ago. I was able to change the dynamics and just want to share the journey, some thoughts and experience here

 

1. the night we broke up there was no argument. He clearly has thought it through and made his decision. I was upset in the begining as I did not see it coming at all. I tried to use logic to talk him out of it, which only made him more determined

 

I quickly realised what i was doing was useless and decided to at least hv my dignity back. I told him that if this is his decision then there's nothing I can do. He asked me: is this not what you want? (no, but wud u respect that? I don't think so) to which I answered: as I said, this is your decision, and there's nothing I can say or do. And I will not choose someone who does not choose me

 

And how ironic, that was the turning point of the breaking up scene, up until that point he was cool and I was angitated, and after that he starts to get emotional while I was cool. he was almost in tears at one point and I touched his shoulder and asked: are you ok? to which he answered: yeah, I will be ok

 

2. The next day I sent him a text - basically apologise for whatever hurtful things I said last night (not much), agreeing with him for the break up and thank him for what we had. He replied and then we went NC

 

3. 10 days later he texted, calling me nickname and telling me something small and no questions asked, so did not really need a reply. I made a mistake by replying, and he did not reply back - looking back, he was just getting insecure and wanted some comfort and assurance from me - assurance that I am still there waiting for him. He just needed that for his ego as he was starting to have doubts. And that was why he sent something that does not really need replying, just his subtle way of checking to see if the window was still open for him, well just in case he changed his mind - *sigh* the ugly truth about the selfish human nature

 

4. A week later a friend of his added me on facebook. I only met the guy once 4 months ago and merely remember him. I got a bit angitated at that point as I was moving on and this is messing it up a bit, and text my ex and curtly said he still got stuff in my place which I can give him back when my train pass the station that is close to his work some time during the week. He tried to have a small chat and agreed to do it

 

3 days later we met up in the train station and he invited me for coffee which I refused as I would have being late for work. He walked me to the platform and chatted when I waited for my train. We chatted about work stuff and friends, I was all happy n babbly (I was actually happy) When I finally got on the train, I could see from the glass door that he was looking at me from behind, and when I was in the carriage I could see that he was looking at me and following me on the platform. Instead of looking back, like how I always did when he dropps me off when we were together, I merely sat there n started reading.

 

well it was bad of me to initiate contact, but I was able to turn it around as I clearly showed him I did not do it in an attempt to see him, it was an attempt to cut the remaining ties. N another good thing is I was looking good at the time I met him (just came back from an interview) and more importantly - happy - that hurted his ego as he was expecting to see me grieve (bad for him I happen to be a very optimistic person and move on fast)

 

5 At that point he got insecure again and wanted assurance (again) and sent me an casual email 4,5 days later - again did not really need a reply, and here you go - I did not reply

 

That hurted him as he finally realise it's no longer his game. He does not call the shots and did not have much power over me - well he would deny it for sure and he will think this is not true if he hear this, but this is what is going on in his sub-conscious, the very reason that is making him miserable, coz he was losing control. and that gave him a chance to miss what he has lost. And I think at that point he finally got over with his BU honeymoon stage and realised am not at his back anymore

 

6. Then I made the silliest and most embarrassing mistake - I was checking on my ex on facebooking. Hes not on my friend list but I can see his updates - n worse I left I tail and I think he knew I was checkin on him - which unfortunately give him some assurance again (ah well whatever at that point I did not care much anymore, just embarrassed)

 

7. another week passed NC, I was having ice cream with a friend and suddenly saw him walking pass outside the shop (small world lol it's not his frequent place nor mine). texted him: nice jacket. He called me and had a brief chat. He was talking all the way and I merely answered his questions

 

8. almost another week passed and he texted me again - again calling me nickname he used to call, and told me he's getting the job offer he wanted. I was with friend and asked her, should I reply - my friend rolled her eyes n said: tell him I said go to hell (lol) So I did not reply

 

And now is a week after the last text. I started seeing someone 2 weeks ago, was as innocent as just catching up initally, but turned out the guy is interested in me. Had a few dates, and is now trying to turn him from a date into a friend, as I enjoy a lot talking to him, but don't see long term potential with him, and I don't want to use him as my rebound neither. But this guy makes me feel special and cherished

 

Now I just want to say to my ex (I wish I can ): I have always being the exceptional, to any guy that had more than 3 dates with me, and I was most of the time not even nice to these guys. So if you could not appreciate me when I was on my best behaviour (I was treating him the best among all guys I was with), then you are definitely not worthy of my time as you will need to learn how to appreciate first. As for me, being exceptional is never the issue, I just need to find someone who is my exceptional, who will replace you, and cherish me the way I deserve

 

 

Some advice to the newly dumpees

 

1. Break up is brutal in a sense that who move on faster will win the battle. You both suck on the misery of the other person and use the other person's pain to move on - cruel but true. So if you are dumped, no begging does not only save your dignity and give you second chance in case you want reconciliation, it also gives you a chance to win the battle, by not allowing the other person sucking on your pain to move on.

 

2. NC is essential. whatever you want, it gives you power that you have lost when the BU happened, while take away the power the dumper once hold fully. It also gives the dumper a chance to miss you and start to let positive memories to surface - right after the BU the dumper is all about negative memories about the relationship whereas dumpees only think of positive things

 

3. going back to the dating scene would be good for your ego, it helps to pick up your self respect. But do not rush into a rebound relationship. You need time to heal and grow, and not to make the same mistakes in the future. And with bruised ego after the BU, its likely you will lower your standards and get into a relationship which you will regret later

 

4. Nobody is not replaceable. And there's something more important than a lost lover, that's called self respect

 

Good luck all

[calreese]

Great, inspiring post. I see a lot of similarities between your situation and mine. I agree with what you said about feeding off of each other's misery. Seeing someone so happy after they've broken up with you is hard: But trying to drag them down to your level is something you never want to try. Better to love yourself and think of all the new possibilities in front of you then dwell on past failures and let someone gain control over the way you feel. To me, coping is all about letting go of the past and embracing the future. Playing games with an ex to feel better about yourself is disrespectful to both parties.