Under the surface

[blasted]

Here is my thing. I am a good looking person, i have a good job, a very nice house, I am incredably intelligent (but a bad speller) My ability to communicate is second to none (verbal) i am funny and the life and soul of the party. I have a huge amount of friends, i have an artistic streak and the abilty to listen and help people. I dont have any hangups or social problems.

 

But underneath it all i feel i am not one of the ordinary people. I view pretty much everyone else as sub human. I find it hard to really have any emotions about things that i am not personally interested in. I can be sitting talking to a friend and its as if there is another world running in my head. I can see me going out on mad rampages killing everyone around me. There is nothing but pure hatred under the surface. I feel like a lone wolf.

 

The weird part of it though, i dont ever get involved in trouble, i dont fight and hate confrontation. I dont really get much trouble as i am not the smallest of people. If people look like trouble i get nervous and edgy and start thinking about what would happen if we start fighting and what the best way to kill the person would be. Where ever i go i am looking for weapons, potential threats ect.

 

Even wierder is that i dont really have a problem with the way i think. I am sure its not right. I would also like to point out that this is not the effect of drugs, watching to many films or drinking. I have also never been bullied or abused. When my gran died before christmas i was told on the phone at 7 in the morning, what did i do, i went back to sleep. Its just that i dont seem to have the same issues as everyone else.

 

your opinions would be greatly appreciated, as i dont think i am the only person out there who thinks like this.

[moimeme]

The best sort of person to tell you what all this means is a trained, educated therapist. Even if you find others on this board who think similarly, you'll not know whether it's a good thing or not and whether something should be done about it.

[blasted]

Having re read what i put, i dont think i have explained myself in the way it really is.

Even though all this is going off "under the surface" it has no impact on my life. Its like a second way of thinking that i never act upon. I am a really nice person who appreciates and leads a good life.

 

I have never really mentioned this before and would feel rather strange talking to somebody about it when i dont really view it as a problem, more just a curiosity.

[Papillon]

This thread struck a chord with me, and I'll tell my story, and my evolving analysis of who and why I have become. Maybe it could put stuff into perspective for you.

 

When I was still in kindergarten, the school psychologist identified me as having verbal, artistic and mental skill far surpassing my 4 years. I was placed into primary school two years before I should have been, and this singled me out right from the start. I was in a different league when it came to the other children - by the time I was 6 I could complete comprehension tests that were given to 12-year-olds. I had an amazing artistic talent for my age, and I DEVOURED books and encyclopedias. My outlook on life was very very different than the other children, and was a lot more mature. But this often caused friction between me and others, especially adults, who insisted on treating me like a child, when in fact I was a lot more tuned in and finely-strung than they could ever hope to be, and EXTREMELY knowledgable about most things. I was generally disliked and ridiculed, in that cruel way endemic to children, but it never bothered me, as I had other things to occupy my mind with.

 

I quickly turned into a little boy who kept to himself, and who tried to avoid conflict with others because it usually only ended up in frustration for me. Even as a pre-teen, I could see through others and their fake personalities, shallow thinking and thought processes with consumate ease, yet could not break through to THEM. Like the saying goes, better to be a fool among geniuses than a genius amongst fools.

 

From a young age I learned to manipulate others by feigning stupidity. I never did my homework, as I would much rather have spent my afternoons roaming around in the hills around our home, or reading or painting or playing with my beloved LEGO. (notice to all parents: LEGO is the best investment into your child's cognitive development you can make). I got in trouble so many times, beyond recounting, but I always managed to sweet-talk or bull**** my way out of punishment. If punishment was delt out, it was in the form of corporal punishment, which I gladly soaked up - it was an utterly stupid punishment to administer to an intelligent boy, and absolute heaven, because it meant freedom and absolution, till the next time. Sure, my butt ached for a while, but you don't paint, draw, read or play LEGO with your butt cheeks, and besides, the punishment was never that severe as to leave marks. My memory and ability to rationalise and incorporate information into a mental framework, was so good that I always got good grades without needing to study, ever. I only had to sit and listen in class.

 

Just before high-school, we were passed through the educational meatgrinder once again, this time for IQ tests. My results singled me out as a member of a select little group, on the (b)leading edge of the bell curve. I won't state my supposed "IQ" as it's not important, and bull****, anyway. At that stage, however, it was a defining moment for me, as it made clear, in an instant, why I was so different to everyone else. I was enrolled in a special extra-curricular college program for "extremely gifted children" [sic]. I still have my access ID card to this day.

 

The program, or rather, I, did not last long - I felt it constrictive, elitist and based on a false premise - that intelligence is measured upon success within a framework of disciplines such as math, art or science, when in fact it has nothing to do with it. The classes bored me, all except one - turtle graphics! My godly general knowledge made a mockery of the lecturers' efforts, especially in the astronomy and bioscience classes, as I had to keep correcting them all the time.

 

During high school, the other children started catching up in maturity and intelligence, and I started making friends. Teachers start taking kids more seriously, so it's a good situation, all round. I blossomed, and became an attractive boy, which I still am . But I never "unlearnt" that loner streak in me. Like the thread starter, my thought processes were always noticing, and sometimes even actively seeking out, intelligence differences in others. I became a real intellectual snob, suspicious of other's intelligence and achievements, as if being intelligent was MINE and MINE alone. Having never been a "physical" type of guy, I also resented status or esteem bestowed on others because they were stronger, faster, or garned respect because of physical intimidation.

 

This has led to a lot of frustration for me: I see some idiot do or say something stupid, and I immediately want to give the guy a verbal lashing. Then my unconscuous assumption is (based on a lifetime of experience) that the guy is too dumb to get it, so the truth has to beat into him. But of course then my thoughts turn to the physical aspect of the encounter, and then I realise that I'd be physicaly outclassed if it were a big guy, so then obviously I'd need a gun or a pair of ninchaku to "instruct" the other. And that way it quickly gets out of hand, until I have to remind myself that I'm being passive aggressive, and a coward. It's kind of paradoxical that a complete and utter cognitive and mental domination over another leads to a violent knee-jerk reaction, and I'm ashamed to admit it.

 

Often, while contemplating the stupidity and moron-quotient of the world, especially when having to deal with others, I think about going postal, like that Michael Douglas movie. Not that I'd ever do anything, I'm too much of a coward, but because of that I distrust my emotional instincts (and because they are not reliable like my intellectualism).

 

Being intelligent has brought a lot of meaning and purpose to my life, but it's also a source of much sadness and frustration, and often I think about ending it all in a great big blaze of glory. But, like Blasted, I am basically a nice, fun person with an awesome sense of humor, and the dark part of me boils just below the surface...like lava beneath a layer of rock.

[blasted]

Good post,

 

I can see where you are coming from and agree with the effects that it has on a person (you in this case). There are a few similaritys that we have which is proabably why it struck a chord.

 

I was very advanced at school, but where i live people do not get moved up or down a year depending upon academic ability. After a while i started to wander off track. I started getting into trouble and basically never applying myself to the extent at which i knew i was capable. I was never very good at exams, I understand things as opposed to being able to regurgitate information in a set manner. I also have the artistic streak, although mine seems to be more interior design related.

 

I am loner in the aspect that i dont need other people to do things for me, the way i see it is that i can do it better than them. I know it sounds bad and these are feelings that i dont show other people. But i see myself as an advanced human, i have the ability to think fast, make rational descisions, not be blinded by trivial hangups and plan in detail what i am doing with my life. People say that i am lucky to get to where i have. I personally find it easy, i just think its other people who are incapable.

 

I once did a home IQ test, i didnt cheat and got a very high score. But i dont think it even started to cover that abiltys i have. To many number sequence questions. I felt it was flawed, as is the whole IQ test system.

 

I never had a problem with social aspects, in fact its one of my strengths, the abilty to blend in with ordinary people. I will agree it can be frustrating to be with less smart people. That is when the mind wonders. I wounder if intelligence can be why i think with less emotion, to be more efficient mentallly, accept death and so on.

 

I am not a soft person by any means but on the same hand i am not the hradest bloke around, i do know several very hard criminals who have taken to me because i have the brains and they have the brawn, hence them going to prison a lot, me never going there. Not that i am a criminal, i find there out look on life less superficial, if they dont like you then they will say so. You get clear boundarys with them.

 

I could understand it more if i had been bullied, or abused or even had a bad upbringing. The fact that i am not a bad looker, served in the military, have suceeded in work and generally have a nice life makes me more confused.

 

The more i think about nature vs nurture the more i get confused.

[Papillon]

I often think about becoming a eunuch...I sometimes think my testosterone levels are the problem.

[moimeme]

I had somewhat similar experiences as a kid. I was reading and writing long before school. When tested in reading on my first day of school, I was found to be far ahead of my peers. However, it was decided that, for my own good, I would stay with my age group.

 

Like you, I got by fine in school without having to work (a bad, bad habit, of course). I got sick of people telling me that I 'wasn't living up to my potential' - whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. Finally, somewhere near the end of grade school there were reading comprehension and vocabulary tests and I was in the very top percentile for both.

 

Like you, I never got why things which seemed so clear to me were difficult for others to understand. Really, I would have been a lot better off had someone told my my IQ long ago. As it was, I was probably too impatient with folks who didn't 'get' it because I figured I was just like everybody else.

 

When I got to university, I thought that at last I'd be among folks exactly like me. I'll never forget the day I realized that that would not be the case. We had had an assigned reading; one theorist critiqued another theorist's theory. His essay was brilliant and he cut the other guy (whose theory I thought ridiculous) to shreds. I went to class eager to enthuse about mister slash (Ashley was his name). So I say to a couple of them 'wasn't that Ashley essay terrific?' and they looked at me like cows watching a passing train. And they said to me 'you got that? We had no idea what the guy was talking about'. I thought 'oh shxt'. Now I've done it'. I clammed up and kept my trap shut for much of the rest of that degree.

 

Finally, when I went to a psychologist for formal career counselling, I had an IQ test for which I was given the results and the light went on. I was a smart cookie. Not that that had done me any good. People call one 'brain' with as much scorn as they do 'dummy' and being a smart girl was that much worse.

 

However, unlike you, it was a huge boon to me to understand that my gears grind a little quicker. Now I understand that people don't get it because they can't necessarily get it. It's a gift to me that I can and something I'm grateful for, but nothing to lord over anyone.

 

What it has also done is cut down the numbers of fellows with whom I am compatible, since there seem to be quite a few fellows who don't appreciate their ladies being more clever than them. It means I have to restrain myself in vocabulary sometimes in writing as well as speaking. Every now and then I forget on LS and let fly some words that people josh me about, but fortunately there are some folks here who understand them.

 

I don't think that people are stupid, but it does bother me that they will accept the opinions of people like politicians without question. I don't think you need to be brilliant to understand that people in power may not be telling you the truth. It bothers me when people can, to this day, find justification for prejudices. Again, I don't think you need to be a NASA staffer to comprehend that all humans are humans with hearts and therefore deserve respect. Those are the things which irritate me about how people think. Otherwise, I just have to accept that we are all differently abled. I'll never be a model or an Olympic star; my best features are all inside. C'est la vie.

 

I think, had I known this about my intellect earlier, I would have chosen a professional career rather than the more haphazard path I've travelled and, yes, it's been a little lonely for sure.

 

However, this brain has also given me the ability to seek - and find - happiness in every day and joy in life. It enables me to assist others in finding their way through problems sometimes. It never tires of learning so every day is exciting to me. It sees possibilities for things for me to see and do long past my expected lifespan. So, on balance, I'm glad I have it though had I known it sooner, I might have made much better use of it. Perhaps I would have 'lived up to my potential'.