trying to put it all together, does it seem like there's another woman? !!

[momto3boys]

Ive been posting in second chance, separation/divorce and now i decided to post here. I am so lost and need some sort of input, please help!

 

 

The situation is a little different because my husband just got back from Afghanistan in Dec, so i am not sure if he has PTSD or if there's something else or what. My husband told me 2 weeks ago he wants a divorce. But things sorta spiraled out of control before this.

 

 

First off here's all thats been going on. Then give me your opinion/advice, PLEASE.

 

My husband and i have not been having sex very much because im pregnant and honestly just not in to it, it hurts and i have to pee constantly so i am just not in to it. I know he gets angry that we dont have sex often.

 

Things got worse once my husband got a tattoo gun. He started doing tattoos for people and being gone often. I am sort of use to him being gone a lot because he is in the army, hes always gone. Anyways, we started arguing because he's gone constantly. Anyways after he got this tattoo gun and started staying away, one night he was gone the whole night, which is when things ended. He answered when i called that night, said he was over some guys house doing a tattoo and he'd be home. I talked to him at 11pm and he said he was coming home and he did not sound drunk. Well 1 am comes around and i start calling him again and he didnt answer his phone. He did not return home til 10 am. He said he got drunk and passed out. Thats when things got bad. We started arguing constantly, then he said he wanted a divorce, never said anything about another woman or anything just figured he wanted to end things because we had been arguing.

 

 

Well he started sleeping on the couch and distancing himself from me as much as possible. Soon after that he started leaving more again to do more tattoos, ive seen pics of the tattoos he has done. So i know he did do them. He has answered anytime he is gone doing tattoos it usually just takes a while for him to call back.

 

I noticed he changed the password to his phone, which is odd because its a touch phone and i knew his password BUT i have NEVER touched his phone, i wouldnt even know how to work it. his excuse was "why does it matter? I changed it because its easier to unlock while driving". Asked him again and he said he changed it because guys at work knew the password (dunno how). Well since then he has changed it yet again.

 

We have had sex twice since he said he wanted to divorce and both time it was sort of weird. Right after sex he went straight back out to the couch. There didnt seem to be any emotional connection. The 2nd time it was really awkward after and he said he didnt think it was a good idea we do that anymore. He has since then slowly grow apart more. We have not done it since. Actually he isnt even staying here anymore, i made him stay away til i moved out next weekend.

 

Well i found out he has a facebook now. He sits on it even in front of me. I made one too thats how i found his, he had lied about it when i asked first time. Then i made one and saw his. Then he asked if he wanted me to add him and said he had 300 friends and laughed that i dont have many.

 

Now my husband doesnt answer my calls all of the time, he acts annoyed with me anytime i text. He has been staying at a friends house, but complains that i kicked him out but i told him he could stay here and he said no. Then he said he would come back sunday (which makes me think hes up to something too). He has pretty much alienated himself from me.

 

He doesnt even seem to feel bad that he's doing all this while im 8 months pregnant. He has been firm in wanting a divorce. Hes a jerk to me but then will turn around and be nice to me trying to joke around. he says things to me about how i better not be having sex with any other men while pregnant with his baby, then says how everyone down here has stds. Then he comes here out of the blue and says things like "did your boyfriend leave yet?" and if i go out i feel like he tries to control me with the kids. He watches them while i go out and after about an hour and a half he's texting asking where i am, he needs me back soon because he has to go back to his friends house, etc.

 

ive asked if theres another girl, he keeps saying no. i know he wont admit to it, but i am starting to wonder if there is or not. Ive asked my ex who is friends with my husband and he said i am jumping to conclusions about being with another girl. My husband has said "do you think im that stupid to get with a girl down here knowing all the stds going around?" He of course wouldnt admit it to me because he knows its gonna look horrible in court, that id never work things out ever (if he ever wanted to because i do not stand for cheating) and of course he'd get in trouble with the military for cheating, you're not aloud to do that. He'd probably get in even more trouble doing it because im pregnant.

 

 

what do you guys think?? I am thinking its either another girl or possibly ptsd. ive never been cheated on so i dont know what to look for or expect behavior wise. I wouldnt have ever thought cheating before but i am really lost with the quick wanting a divorce and him acting so strange all of a suddon.

[momto3boys]

Anyone?

[imagine]

Don't talk to him. Snoop.

[country_gurl]

Hello momto3boys,

 

I'm really sorry that you're going through this very difficult time.

 

First off, you husband (at least to me) seems to be rather preoccupied with "STDs" - based on the 2 examples you gave of him bringing the topic of STDs up. Kind of a weird thing for a husband to keep bringing up to his 8 month pregnant wife. That being said, considering you don't know for sure what's going on with him and you have been sexually active with him.........you should seriously see your doctor and request a FULL screening for ALL STDs; you need to do this for your own health but most importantly for the health of your unborn baby as there are some STDs, that if the Mom has (Herpes, for instance), can impact the type of delivery she has (whether vaginal or c-section).....and if not known/treated, can be passed along to the baby in the uterus/going through the birth canal and can cause serious health effects to the baby. So please do this as soon as possible. And be sure to request an actual blood test for Herpes type 2 (you have to ask for this as it's not just part of a routine STD screening). Explain to your doctor that your husband is acting very suspicious and keeps making rude remarks about STDs and you're concerned.

 

Do you have any support systems? Friends or family somewhere nearby? Do you live in military housing? Is there a pastor or minister or priest you could speak with? (would be all confidential). You are going through a lot and neither you nor your baby need the stress, plus you have the 2 (or 3?) other kids to care for as well.

 

It's hard to say if he's cheating or not. There certainly seem to be some "red flags" to suggest it's possible (him always being gone, staying out all night, changing password on phone, not treating you with love or respect).

[momto3boys]

Thank you for the replies. I am definitely going to ask for an std test and thank you for telling me to request the blood test. i didnt know they didnt just screen for it. This is sort of why i am freaking out, i do not want to catch anything specially while pregnant. We are at Ft. Bragg and i know a lot of people on Ft. Bragg a lone (the soldiers) do have stds. A lot of them deployed late with my husband because of the stds.

 

 

I called him today to see if he wanted to take our son, he isnt living here right now until i leave, im moving away. i cant take his emotional abuse anymore. He said he couldnt take our son. Then i asked why, told him i needed to pack. He then said he was 2 hours away. I asked where he was and he said "we arent together so it doesnt matter". Then i started to cry and then he finally told me he was at myrtle beach. So i have a bad feeling about him. Even though he wants a divorce we are not even separated yet. The separation will not even begin until i move which will be next weekend. I am just so over his crap.

 

My sister also said he has to of had a facebook for a while because he said he had 300 friends, you dont make that many friends over night. I think he may be meeting girls on facebook.

[Lucky_One]

I'd bet his paycheck he has a OW.

 

He is going to have to pay CS for 4 children? Ouch. Do NOT forget about his military retirement, when it comes time for financial stuff.

[momto3boys]

lucky- He will have to pay child support for 2 kids (im pregnant with our 2nd right now, my first is by my ex-boyfriend). I know i get half of his BAH. My mom also said he may have to pay alimony since im a stay at home mom and cant work til my baby is 6 weeks old. He is pretty much abandoning me while im pregnant with 2 kids. But he says he isnt because he hasnt kicked me out of the house i am leaving on my own, but i have to leave because he is not reliable. if i went in to labor i have no one down here, so i have to move home for my kids and myself.

 

 

Im not exactly sure how to catch him with another girl...if there is one. I do not know my way around some areas here. He is supposedly staying with his friend, i know what street he lives on but dont know which apartment complex it is. I really wanna drive by and see if i catch him with another girl.

[momto3boys]

Forgot to put if i catch him with another woman he could lose a rank, money or even get kicked out the army. He isnt retiring from the military, he is out next dec.

 

 

id like to catch him with another woman if there is one so i can tell his commander, but i have to have proof.

[lolpol]

This is very suspicious behaviour and if I was in your posistion I would be suspecting another woman was involved.

This is difficult because he is wanting a divorce. If he was sorry for how he has been treating you and he wanted to make it work, you could ask him to show you his facebook messages, letting you hold his phone and look in the messages etc. Someone who wants to make things right and who has nothing to hide would not mind showing you this.

I feel for you.

[IraqiGuy]

I am a Marine that had been deployed to Iraq twice and I just got back from Afghanistan so I may give you some perspective.

 

First of all, your OP really made me sad. I have not logged on here since 2007, but I was surfing the net today and stumbled on to your post. I could feel the raw emotions of what you must be going through and was sympathetic till you last post but I will get to that.

 

The sad fact is he does not like you and does not want to be married to you anymore. That's it. There may be another women but I doubt it and that is beside the point. All his behavior indicates he wants out. A married military man does not try to spend as much time away from his wife unless he just does not want to be around her.

 

As for the PTSD, he may be experiencing a form of delayed stress or like most of us that deployed, he is just trying to deal with the transition of being back home. It is a little disconcerting to be on a FOB for a year and suddenly being home after being away for so long. The bigger stress is dealing with problems back home. Let me try to explain. When you're out there, your worries are when to eat, sleep, use the bathroom and keep alive. Plus there is a lot of downtime and under isolation and stress you start really thinking about things; like how you lived your life and what will you have to deal with when you come home. Many do not want to deal with it. What is worst for you is he went through a self evaluation out there and realized he does not want to be married anymore.

 

I know this is hard to understand and I can't read his mind but that is the best way I can describe what I went through. I can still remember being in the rear seat of an up-armored Humvee at 0200 on a patrol that went about 10 MPH around the city. I was literately cooking back there because it was so hot, and I remember sitting there shaking with anger and I started thinking about every mistake I ever made in my life and what I had to go back home to. Plus I started thinking about my girl (now wife) and who she was f-ing while I was cooking in this heat with a helmet and body armor I can't take off. I came home and went through my readjustment phase, got over my crazy thoughts and married my wife.

 

In that long rant, what I'm trying to say is he had his moment out there too and came to the opposite conclusion. He does not want to be with you anymore. Maybe I'm wrong but that's what I see.

[IraqiGuy]

Forgot to put if i catch him with another woman he could lose a rank, money or even get kicked out the army. He isnt retiring from the military, he is out next dec.

 

 

id like to catch him with another woman if there is one so i can tell his commander, but i have to have proof.

 

As I said in my last post, you had my sympathy until I read this. Are you this vindictive and spiteful and wonder why he would rather sleep on a friends couch? IF THIS is any indication of what kind of person you are, then I can see why he wants out. I can just imagine him over there and think that you are the person he has to come home to.

 

Wanting him in trouble does not sound like a person that wants to reconcile their problems, and do you really want him to get into trouble?

Just remember with the NJP or Summary Courts Martial he will lose rank hence less pay hence LESS SUPPORT MONEY, ALIMONY and BAH. The amount of BAH is depended on his rank so if he is reduced in grade, that is less BAH for you.

 

Plus if he is getting out and he has bad paper (thanks to you) what kind of job do you think he will be able to secure with that on his record, especially if you succeed and he gets "kicked out." How much financial support will you get then?

 

I will never understand a woman's scorn but the old saying of cutting off your nose to spite your face fits here so aptly.