jjaldridge2009 Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 I've known this girl for a long time, we've been close friends and I'd had feelings for her, but just let them be, stayed friends and her and I just saw other people. However, we are both single now, and we've started hanging out again, making out, spending nights together, but as I get closer to her, I've found that her previous relationship was the opposite of healthy. This guy essentially emotionally abused her for half a year. Building her up, treating her like she was the only person in the world for him one day, then dumping all his issues on her and destroying her self esteem the next. Every time she tries to pull away, he goes right back to Mr. Perfect, and the cycle repeats itself. It pains me to hear her say these things, because I knew who she was before this guy. Always a positive person, very secure with herself sexually, and I know she can go back to being that person but she can't bring herself to cut all ties with her ex. She's still a virgin, and really thought this guy was the first person she'd ever wanted to make love to, and she still really wants to have sex with him. I tried to tell her that's definitely not a good idea if you want to cut all ties with him, but she's afraid to break it off completely because it makes her feel guilty and shameful about leaving someone who clearly has so many issues. He still calls and texts her when he feels lonely, and she'll go visit him because his abuse has caused her to feel responsible for his unhappiness. She says its like an addiction, she feels so terrible when he puts her down, but as soon as he starts being sweet and saying "i love you" again, all her bad feelings rush away and she feels good about herself again. In the end she always ends up coming back confused and just as hooked on his toxic attention as before. I'm continuing to try and be supportive, build her back up, treat her like she deserves. I asked her one night how I made her feel, and she told me-- "You make me feel so good about myself, I forgot what how good it feels when someone makes you feel sexy. I'm not stupid, I know you're a great guy, but I'm just messed up right now and I just don't want to hurt anyone." I've never felt so many positive and negative emotions from the same sentence, I know she's a great person and I just want to make her happy and secure with herself again, but I also understand she needs time to cut ties with her ex for good. I don't want to pressure her, I'm just letting things unfold naturally, but I feel terrible every time I see her cry over her feelings for this other guy. How can I continue to nurture our relationship, while guiding her through the process of her getting over her toxic ex for good? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 She still texts, talks to him on the phone and goes and sees him, which means their relationship is not over. Your boundaries are pretty blurred, which is making your life more difficult for you: you would do well to consider that and establish better boundaries i.e. do you want to be in a three-person relationship as you are right now? If you don't, you cannot force her or him to do anything - you can only force yourself to do anything. You can tell her what you want and see what happens. My advice would be to simplify things. She's still involved with this other guy so stop complicating matters by getting involved. Tell her you're not prepared to be second fiddle any more and to contact you once she's resolved the business she still has with this other guy. Let go. You're far too worried about losing her to be able to truly get her. Link to post Share on other sites
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