When swinging does't work out

[Avihenda]

My husband and myself have been involved in the swinger's lifestyle over the past few years. We went into this with the understanding that although happy with our sex life, we both enjoy exploring sexual aspects with other people as well. We've met and had sex with around 5 couples at this point.

 

There appears to be a problem that involves his inner feelings of another man having sex with his wife. This causes an inability to perform fully or enjoy having sex. Same room, different room, doesn't seem to matter. The reason I feel that it must be the fact of the man having sex with me, is that we've had other unicorn experiences that were fine; no issues. The problem with that is that although I enjoy occasional experiences with girl on girl, it's just not my thing or preference. So while he gets two hot women to play with, I'm somewhat lonely and unsatisfied while the tryst is occurring.

 

We've discussed him having sex by himself with another woman. I really don't care, as I am secure with our relationship enough to ignore a fling or two on the side. The thing that I don't want is to be sitting at home waiting for my husband to return; as I feel he would NOT be okay with me having a similar tryst.

 

What now then? Now that I've been backed in to this proverbial corner I feel less inclined to have sex with my husband, whereas before I could not get enough. I feel closeted in a way.

 

I also would like to mention that he is, and has always been a selfish lover. This was never really a big issue for me, but now when he'd prefer a blow job over sex, it upsets me (it never did before, I was happy to oblige). But after a growing pattern of weeks of no sex for me, with plenty of oral pleasure for him...not so much.

 

Thanks for any comments or thoughts you may have.

Edited September 17, 2011 by Avihenda

[oldshirt]

My husband and myself have been involved in the swinger's lifestyle over the past few years. We went into this with the understanding that although happy with our sex life, we both enjoy exploring sexual aspects with other people as well. We've met and had sex with around 5 couples at this point.

 

There appears to be a problem that involves his inner feelings of another man having sex with his wife. This causes an inability to perform fully or enjoy having sex. Same room, different room, doesn't seem to matter. The reason I feel that it must be the fact of the man having sex with me, is that we've had other unicorn experiences that were fine; no issues. The problem with that is that although I enjoy occasional experiences with girl on girl, it's just not my thing or preference. So while he gets two hot women to play with, I'm somewhat lonely and unsatisfied while the tryst is occurring.

 

We've discussed him having sex by himself with another woman. I really don't care, as I am secure with our relationship enough to ignore a fling or two on the side. The thing that I don't want is to be sitting at home waiting for my husband to return; as I feel he would NOT be okay with me having a similar tryst.

 

What now then? Now that I've been backed in to this proverbial corner I feel less inclined to have sex with my husband, whereas before I could not get enough. I feel closeted in a way.

 

I also would like to mention that he is, and has always been a selfish lover. This was never really a big issue for me, but now when he'd prefer a blow job over sex, it upsets me (it never did before, I was happy to oblige). But after a growing pattern of weeks of no sex for me, with plenty of oral pleasure for him...not so much.

 

Thanks for any comments or thoughts you may have.

 

 

Hi, I am a new member here but my wife and I have been active swingers for several years and are active on a number of lifestyle forums.

 

You actually have a few layers of issues here, some of which have nothing to do with swinging.

 

What's happening here is that your swinging involvement has been kind of a one-way street and that always causes issues in the lifestyle. It's a one way street in that has been a venue for him to be with other women but he has issues with you being with other men. When you talk about him being a selfish lover is key. There really isn't much room in swinging for selfishness. In order for it to work people have to be somewhat selfless and enjoy in each other's pleasure and excitement.

 

What's happening is you are building up some resentment towards him because things go great when it benifits him but not some much when you are getting some benifit. I can't say that your resentments are unfounded.

 

If he is a somewhat selfish, self-centered person I don't know if there is a true solution for this. The challenge is you will need to impress upon him that if swinging is to work for you as a couple it has to be a two-way street and that you both have to benifit from it and more importantly that your MARRIAGE has to benifit from it. Otherwise you are just two individuals banging other people and it's a whole lot easier to that as singles.

 

As it stands now swinging is actually causing distress and issues in your relationship and that is a big red flag.

 

You may need to go back to the drawing board and discuss what it is you each want from swinging and whether it is a benifit or detriment to your relationship.

[Avihenda]

Thank you for your reply oldshirt. I have reached some of these same conclusions on my own, but it is nice to have feedback.

 

We are in a D/s relationship and it has always been this way. So when I say he is selfish, I really mean it. lol. Since I love being dominated, this aspect is not the heart of the issue, as it may seem.

 

I'm not sure where we will go (if anywhere) with the swinging. He wants to attend another party at the 616 and I will most likely go. If it comes to girl on girl, I'm going to voice my opinion that it is more for everyone else than for me. If I'm going to be satisfied, it will be a man doing the job. If this is an issue (again) then I will straight out tell him that I will not be meeting any other couples.

 

I'm hoping for the best, but in any event I have faith in my husband and my marriage.