Suffocated by mom

[sqn]

Hi there

 

I read the emotional blackmail topics about mothers, but the people who write there are older than me, so they at least can escape. I am 21, a sophomore in university and I study in a town 2hrs away from where my mom lives. So I am stuck to get home on a regular basis, talk to her on the phone every day at least once-twice, and try to keep quiet because I am financially dependent on her. The thing is, she can be the most loving and caring parent on the world, she IS the most caring parent on the world- she does not buy any clothes or food she likes for herself, she spend all her money on me, she is a single mother, so she has no support from anywhere and she works ****ty jobs outside even in winter which is really taking a toll on her nerves. She gave birth to me when she was 18, so she practically ruined her whole life because of me.

 

Her problem is that she gets upset at every little thing.... I never know which little word will upset her to the point of getting angry and, after getting angry, sometimes crying but not so often....

 

She also reads too much into people's actions so she thinks somebody is acting bitchy, so she acts bitchy towards them and they, not knowing why she acts bitchy, start really acting bitchy so she is convinced they act bitchy and the circle is closed.

 

She says all women hate her and are jealous of her when they are with their boyfriends and the irony is, she has a lot of complexes about herself, so she talks how pretty she is but she doesnt actually believe it. And she IS pretty btw.

 

She doesnt get along with anybody and I am her whole world. I am 21 but to have a biyfriend while I am studying is her nightmare situation, thus I haven't had a boyfriend, ever.

 

She says my friends are her friends, too and she get jealous when I go see them. This can be explained, though- she worked abroad in the last 6 years and got back in my country just an year agi so she is trying to compensate somehow the lost time with me, but still I only saw my friends twice during the one-month winter break and the second time she was a little jealous I can tell.

 

She says that I should know my place and listen to her and not voice my opinion about stuff(when my opinion is not in accordance to hers) This new year(2010-2011) we were spending it together, just her and me, so around 10:30pm- I decided to talk to my best friend in skype for an hour and my mom was soo upset that I left her alone in the other room to talk to my friend. I tried to explain to her that we are spending the whole evening together so an hour doesnt really matter, but she wouldnt hear about it and cried and was really upset. Now I know people will say this is manipulaton, but I know her- she was genuinely upset, really sad and feeling not loved. But it was 1 hour compared to the whole evening spend with her.

 

My psychologist said that she is obsessing me and told me to get away from her. But I am still a student, my lectures are pretty random so I cannot get a job, so there is no way I can get out. In this way, how do I survive???

 

I don't know why I am making this topic..... it is just... I feel guilty complaining to my roommates all the time and my psychologist is uncompromising about my moving out, she is kinda tough, so I need a place to talk about it.... just.... when it becomes too much..... I need to survive the next 3 years before I go to another country for graduate school.... this is the only way I can get away....

[Eve]

Ask you Psychologist if a three way meeting with Mum sounds like a good idea. H'mm.. yes, it does seem like you need some more space. This should not be too hard as you have had a period previously where you were apart for 6 years. Maybe she is trying to over compensate for that?

 

Anyhow, I would agree that your Mum is being seriously suffocating.

 

Please try not to think that you have ruined her life by her having you at a young age. That is not fair on you. Her life does sound really hard and mostly lonely but she does need to quit making you her confidante. It is not very tasteful and puts too much pressure on you.

 

Spend time with your Psychologist working out what type of relationship you want with Mum and get him/her to help you make this a reality.

 

I didn't quite understand whether you are at home or not but would say you should be sharing a house with people your own age/be on Campus rather than being at home.

 

All the very best,

Take care,

Eve x

[AHardDaysNight]

Eve said everything I would have said.

[sqn]

Thank you for the advice, girls

 

My mom used to come back for the summer for a month during these 6 years apart, I went to visit her twice, we haven't been apart totally....

 

But my psychologist says there is no way for my mom to get better until she gets completely rejected by everyone. Only then would she reconsider why she got rejected and maybe get better. So my psychologist is uncompromising- I should get away and fast.... mission impossible....

Edited September 18, 2011 by sqn

[Eve]

Thank you for the advice, girls

 

My mom used to come back for the summer for a month during these 6 years apart, I went to visit her twice, we haven't been apart totally....

 

But my psychologist says there is no way for my mom to get better until she gets completely rejected by everyone. Only then would she reconsider why she got rejected and maybe get better. So my psychologist is uncompromising- I should get away and fast.... mission impossible....

 

Wow.. I am not used to hearing that a Psychologist will give such advice. Usually it is a case of helping the individual come to their own reckoning..

 

Is there more to this story?

 

I would have thought working on the phone calls to be a good first step. Once or twice per day is more like being checked up on. I don't get the calls if you are at home too. Did I understand that right? Are you at home?

 

Sorry, I can't really comment on what your Psychologist has said.

 

Do you get on with your Psychologist? Doesn't seem a nurturing relationship at first glance..

 

Maybe if your Mum had a love interest she would leave you to get on with your life? Can you get her into dating? It isn't healthy for her to be so fixated on you.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Lucky_One]

You live 2 hours away from her, see her a few weekends here and there, and spend your Christmas break with her, and your psychologist considers that to be suffocating and that you should completely cut her out of your life?

 

I guess I don't see 1-2 phone calls a day as being crazy. I have friends whose college kids call home that much, and friends who call their kids that much.

 

I am guessing she feels guilty over being gone so long during your high school years; where did you live during that time period?

 

PS. Why are you seeing a psychologist? And do you even like her? She sounds as though she is trying to tell you what to do, rather than help you examine your own feelings.

[sqn]

Eve, I don't live with her, I live on campus, 2 hours away from her, as Lucky_One said.

 

Now the story is that my mom cannot possibly get a boyfriend- no man can stand being with her long enough.... she picks up on everything... Example- she says that her biyfriend looks at other women in the bus, so her boyfriend turns his head towards the window so she cannot accuse him of looking at women and she...... accuses him of watching the women's reflections in the window of the bus!!

When there is somebody scratching their nos ein the bus she thinks they tell her that she smells and starts scratching her nose, too....

Every little thing is about people telling her something.

And she thinks she is supposed to be the most important person for me- no friend, bioyfriend(oh, wait, I am not allowed to have any) or whoever is not supposed to come before her. My friends are supposed to be her friends, too.

When we argue about something, she uses all my past mistakes and all past arguments to bring me down and say "you are an ungrateful daughter, they have told me how ungrateful children are". Evfen if the argument is for something small, unless I say "I am sorry" and sometimes even after I say that, she is going to remind me how she gives everything for me, how she sacrificed her personal life for me. Every time we are in an argument she would bring things from the past so as she can be the victim and I would be the ungrateful, arrogant kid that disappointed her. And I feel like one, but I start to realize it is not natural.... something feels wrong....

She is in an argument with every possible neighbour and person and when she doesn't like someone she tells me and my grandma(her mom) that we are not allowed to speak to this person and we go under specific training how to act towards this person. I was not allowed to play with the neighbour's kids when I was little because she fought with their parents.... She not only argues with me over my choice of clothes(PINK over black and white, usually, her taste is circus-like) but she also tells her mom what to wear..... I can give more examples.... I will actually fill in the exaple list as we go because at least this way I can se eit written down and decide if it is relevant or not.

 

In order to have a meeting with my mom and my psychologist, my mom should understand that there is a problem. the only problem she sees is that I am getting more insolent year after year. My mom starts yelling when she gets angry and she is very agressive, but this is another topic. And this is the uni psychologist btw.

[Lucky_One]

So, sgn, what do you do during the weeks and weekends when you don't go home? Do you date, go out with friends, do "typical" college things?

[sqn]

So, sgn, what do you do during the weeks and weekends when you don't go home? Do you date, go out with friends, do "typical" college things?

 

Well, I really need high GPA so I can get scholarship for graduate school, so I use the weekends to study. But I do see my friends and we go out, but not often. Somehow the fact that my mom acts like the child in the family sometimes has provoked me to seek friends that are kinda mature, so my company consists of seniors and people who don't party that much. If we party, we most probably will gather in a loby with a bottle of vodka and talk girl stuff I almost never go out with boys and no, I have never dated. I really try to be a good kid, although I am outgoing and I love to go out and dance. No drugs or stuff, of course. And alchocol I can handle- I know how to drink even hard alchocol without getting drunk, I have had practise

 

But my mom always wants more. The other weekend a friend of mine from high school came to visit me with the last evening train, she arrived at 11pm and could only stay for the evening and until lunch on the next day, so we decided to go out to dance a little bit and then talk, maybe sleep and have breakfast together with some more talking because our time was limited. When I called my mom while waiting for my friend on the train station, she said that when my friend comes we are supposed to go to bed because it is late. And when this weekend I came home withn a virus of some kind, she said it was my fault and she didnt know where I have been wondering at nights.... She thinks I am partying like crazy, while, the thruth is I used to go out once on 2 weeks during my very first freshman semester and after than maybe once a month. My friends and I prefer to talk and spend quality time with each other rather than go into a club and be unable to hear our thoughts.

 

Another example- I was in the States this summer to work, a special student program. I worked like crazy, I am a crazy fan of roller coasters and I worked in the roller coaster paradise but never had the time to go to one and when my favouriote movie came out in July I couldnt watch it either. So when I came back in my country and back home for the first weekend( I went from the airport, after working, right back to uni) I saw the movie has 3 more days and will be off the screens. So I stayed with my mom friday afternoon, helped with the baby and stuff and saturday went to see the movie. I was feeling soo guilty for doing that but the movie was going to be taken off screen while my mom.. well, she is not going to be taken off screen. So I explained to her how I have been wanting to see this movie all summer, it is a movie with 8 sequels and this was the final one. I explained that when I come back for this weekend the movie will be gone, I explained that I will be back as soon as possible(I made it home in 5 hours-3hrs the movie and approximately an hour commuting) And.... she was so mad that I went to see the movie.... Now I know she missed me during the summer, but still- it is 5 hours only... I spent the evening with her and the next day completely. A friend of mine wanted to see me for coffee after the movie but I refused saying that my mom will be pissed and, well, this friend was hurt. And now this weekend we also saw each other, it was not the end of the world, one movie. But no, she insisted I watch it on TV when it comes out in 2 years and not go to the cinema, just so I stay with her. And she still remind sme of seeking that movie 2 weeks ago and she was complaining to everyone about it while I was on campus.

Edited September 19, 2011 by sqn

[Sophiegirl]

Look them up.

 

You can't help her. You can't fill her void, and more than likely she cannot change. Personality Disorders are more or less untreatable and I'd bet the farm she has one. Her fixation on herself, her paranoia, her guilt-tripping, her emotional manipulation, it all points to personality disorder.

 

A healthy parent (I hope I am one) would tell you that what you owe your mother is simply to grow up to be a responsible adult whose net effect in the world is positive. That's it. And if you are a mother, try to be a good one. My kids owe me nothing more. They don't need to be my friend, my shoulder to cry on, my reason for living, nothing. It is a one way street. I had them and so I must care for them, feed them, house them, nurture them. They owe me nothing. You owe her nothing. You can freely choose to give to her, but she isn't allowing that dynamic to occur so nothing is done freely.

 

I think you need to NOT respond to her manipulation. If she pulls her financial support, then I'm sorry, I know that would be really hard, but you must lay down boundaries on how you will and will not be treated.

 

Best of luck. I feel for you. My MIL is borderline and as she started to manipulate our children, we chose to end our relationship with her.