Let's discuss gender differences...

[molly]

ok, long story short, my ex b/f broke it off with me rather abruptly about a month ago. its a long and complicated story (aren't they all), but he essentially went from telling me i was his soulmate, love of his life and all that other cosmic mumbo jumbo, to wanting NOTHING to do with me at all. he cited various reasons, some of them having to do with me not getting along well with his mother who recently died and some of them having to do with his general impression of me as being a scheming, manipulative control freak who uses my sexuality to take advantage of men. i believe he's demonizing me right now and painting me as a caracature, and is doing so because he needs me to be this evil one-dimensional vixen cartoon of a thing so that he can properly let go of me. cos, let's face it, if he acknowledge the fact that i'm human and that he too has made mistakes, it might not be so easy. anyway, i did the no contact thing after he dumped me, and even left last week when he came to get some of his things (which pissed him off), but he called tonight out of the blue and we wound up having a long, emotional roller coaster of a conversation. things started off civil enough, he ostensibly called about logistical stuff (we lived together and are still on the same lease), but it didn't take long for him to start bringing up old issues. here's where the gender stuff comes into play. when he started to get angry, he at one point screamed about how he no longer cares for me AT ALL. he said this very clearly, that he no longer cares at all for me and wants nothing to do with me. needless to say hearing those words were upsetting. i questioned his motive and told him to kindly keep those comments to himself. i'm skipping a lot, but later in the same conversation he admitted that he still misses me, that i was the love of his life and that he has even been writing songs about our parting. but then it was like he remembered himself and slipped back into the same bravado, i don't care for you blah blah blah. my question, is this just typical male behavior i'm seeing? the confusing mixed messages, putting up a good front one minute and admitting TRUE feelings the next? he said he couldn't be around me because the wounds are so fresh, that he doesn't trust himself to be around me. but why did he say all the stuff about not caring, etc? i'm not being rhetorical here, i genuinely don't understand his behavior. i think i just need some objective perspectives. i'm still a little rattled by the call so forgive me if this seems incoherent. basically, i'm wondering if its a guy thing to be so wishy washy like this. is he just afraid of me moving on? is he still trying to maintain some sort of power over me? ugggggh. any insight at all would be appreciated. thanks.

[moimeme]

I don't think this is necessarily only male behaviour. Fact is, when people get upset, they revert to 'alligator brain' and the instinct for survival. You know how monkeys throw poop? Well people do too, but it's verbal poop. They'll grab anything handy just to fling it, hoping it hits home for whatever reason.

 

Now, the fact that he went from 'not caring about you at all' and breaking up with you to saying you're the love of his life is another story. If you are the LOHL, why did he feel the need to ditch you? This seems kind of irrational IMHO. Either he wants you gone, or he does not.

 

I'd take it all with a grain of salt. Maybe he's having a breakdown or something. Perhaps you two can discuss this further when nobody's screaming.

[Julie McCoy]

I've been similarly jerked around by exes, although not with so much hostility. Basically I think the answers tend to lie in whatever will be most convenient for the ex (male or female) to believe. Everyone, no matter how self-aware they are, constructs their own reality, interpreting things according to principles that seem to work for them. The 'interpretation manual' that each person operates with might undergo periodic changes, but there is one enduring theme: process events and my behaviors in such a way that allows me to feel good about myself and the decisions I make.

 

Some people's interpretations more closely reflect "objective reality" than others' do, in other words, their version of events will be pretty close to what another involved or on-looking party would describe. But everyone has their blind spots, ways that they warp the truth, things that they overlook or are completely unaware of. For some people these things are probably outgrowths of coping mechanisms they have for dealing with certain difficulties in their lives.

 

What I'm saying is that when I've been jerked around in the past I've eventually recognized that the rubbish that was being thrown at me, the mixed messages, the hot-and-cold behavior, was not about me at all. It was about the ex trying to successfully resolve whatever cognitive dissonance he had regarding me and our break-up.

 

I've learned that as much as it's great to be empathetic and understanding of others' circumstances, at the end of the day you've got to deal with them according to how they're actually behaving. You're not your ex's mom, it's neither your duty nor your right to override him or excuse him because he might be a bit unbalanced, or just confused, or whatever. That's his problem. As far as you're concerned, the guy has been an utter jack#ss since the two of you broke up. What more do you need to know? It doesn't really matter why, it doesn't really matter whether nor not he meant to be that way.

 

Believe me, I've been there. Maybe some small part of you won't stop thinking no matter how hard you try that these are signs that he's unresolved about the break-up, that maybe he'd like to get back together. Entirely possible. But not relevant to you! Because he may never be resolved, or as you've guessed, he might try to resolve things by demonizing you. You can't predict that, nor can you influence how he handles himself. The only one who has access to his interpretation manual is him, and he may well be using it in a blind, automatic fashion that lacks full consciousness. There's not a thing you can do to change that.

 

He is being a Grade A Jerk. Probably someday if he allows himself to reflect for a moment on how he behaved toward you, he'll regret his words and actions. Probably by then you won't care at all, and won't be around to hear any apologies he might want to make. And that's OK. Why would you want to maintain any ties at all with a man who is being so nasty to you right now? "Love" or "confusion" or "heartache" don't excuse that kind of behavior.

[princess rose]

Right on, Julie McCoy! My ex is pulling this psycho crap right now. Trying to deflect the blame back to me. I think there are some serious typos in his interpretation manual (love that phrase!), but, that is for sure not my problem. I must take care of my health, so I don't sink. You are # 1, everyone else, excepting family, may come and go, so take care of yourself.

[azgirl]

Thanks, Julie McCoy! Reading your post helped me a lot, too! My ex is pulling the exact same crap on me right now, too. My situation is very similar to molly's. He broke up with ME and is exhibiting all of this anger and hostility towards ME! ??? I don't get it. But your explanation certainly helps clear things up for me! He has a lot going on right now and I actually think he's missing pages or even chapters in his interpretation manual! Perhaps lashing out at the person closest to him is the only way he can get a hold of himself and get through his own issues right now.

 

Thanks again. And molly - if you need to talk I'm here.

[asianpartyboy]

I guess that's why "no contact" is better for both parties sometimes, if one of the parties still needs to grow up, that is.

 

Then again, if both parties are mature and one party cuts if off. What would contacting achieve? Do you think you can convince her to love you again....

 

Best advice I can think right now for myself and for anyone who is in similar situation is to become stronger yourself. Grow and move on with a sense of hope.

 

-a