Advice

[wolvie]

Here is the situation.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend, actually she left me to be with a guy after 5 years. During those 5 years there was no full blown commitment involved. We were exclusive, yes, but no real engamnet ring or anything. Finally i got the courage to ask her to marry me in Feb. To my shock she said no. A couple of months ago i found out the reason why. She was in love with her co-worker. After a week after I proposed, she said for us to end our relationship. During thathe time we were apart she kept phoning me telling me she loved me. CAn someone tell me why she kept telling me she loved me? She could not commit to this guy because she still loved me and wanted to work things out with me. The guy took offense to this and completely went crazy by sending her hateful e-mails and messages on her phone. I asked her if she really was "In-love" with this guy. She says yes and did not know this side of him. The kick in the ass is that I still have feelings for this women, I really hate myself for feeling that way. I feel the only way to get over somthing like this is to be with someone new. Am I right or is that a rebound thing to do..... This leads to my next problem.

 

I work in the computer field, I went on a service call. When i got there I seen a very nice looking woman working there. I did not get a chance to really talk to her, but i would like to. I do have her cell phone number, but i got it through work. I absolutly do NOT want to use this way of getting her number. I left my business card with her hoping she will call, but i sincerly doubt she will. I don't even know if she is even involved, how can i go about doing all this. It's my first attempt of courting someone after 5 years. Someone please help.

[Tony T]

OK, you were seeing this girl for five years, asked her to marry you, she said no because she was in love with a co-worker. That ended. Now she calls you because the co-worker she is in love with is rejecting her.

 

Meanwhile, you want to move along a pursue a lady you met on a service call.

 

You both sound as emotionally mature as a wet mop.

 

In order of business. First tell your ex to kiss off. You don't need somebody who uses you for convenience while she goes off and falls in love elsewhere. But you ought to find out why. Were you not attending to her emotional and/or physical needs?

 

Second, you don't indicate any deep hurt over the loss of her. That may be an omission on your part. If you are not hurting but you truly loved her, you are an incredibly unique person and I would like you to share with us at the forum how you got over her so fast.

 

Third, you need to focus on yourself right now...forget other relationships. Find out what issues you need to deal with in order to have a healthy relationship. Find out why this girl strayed from you. Evaluate your conduct in that relationship. After knowing someone for FIVE years, find out why you were not able to sense her affections were focused elsewhere.

 

I don't mean to insult you here. You may just be someone who does not readily show or feel great depths of emotions. That could make you very lucky in some ways, very unlucky in others.

 

Once you get all this sorted out, then open yourself up to a relationship. But you seem to be pretty unique and if you are going to find a successful relationship, you will have to find a woman who well fits your personality style. I can't tell too much what that is but if you aren;t very expressive and you don't put a lot of attention to a relationship, be sure to find an extremely low maintenance gal...and they are extremely hard to find. Most women want love, affection, attention, conversation, etc. etc. If they don't get it at home, they will find it in one of thier co-workers.

[Jenna]

This may infact be a rebound situation- especially if you already think that the ONLY way you can get over someone is to date someone else. If you go about it responsibly- and keep the other person's feelings in mind- it could very well turn out to be a fun time for both of you. But don't "use" someone just to get your mind off of someone else. If the lady you met doesn't call you- if may just be because you didn't leave her with the impression that you wanted her to. She might have thought it was totally natural for you to leave your card- but for professional reasons only. She may be "old-fashioned" and doesn't believe that the woman should make the first move. She may be thinking about you just as much- and hoping that YOU will call. The point is- you won't ever know unless you make a real attempt to find out. If she is involved with someone- you will have to accept that and move on. If she isn't- and agrees to go out with you- you never know what might be in the cards. Be honest, but not too honest- what I mean is- let her know that you have just come out of a long relationship- still healing- and you are wanting to meet some new friends. (Don't go into the gory details- she doesn't need too much info- you don't want to give the impression that you aren't strong enough to get over it and move on) Good Luck!! Jenna

Here is the situation. I broke up with my girlfriend, actually she left me to be with a guy after 5 years. During those 5 years there was no full blown commitment involved. We were exclusive, yes, but no real engamnet ring or anything. Finally i got the courage to ask her to marry me in Feb. To my shock she said no. A couple of months ago i found out the reason why. She was in love with her co-worker. After a week after I proposed, she said for us to end our relationship. During thathe time we were apart she kept phoning me telling me she loved me. CAn someone tell me why she kept telling me she loved me? She could not commit to this guy because she still loved me and wanted to work things out with me. The guy took offense to this and completely went crazy by sending her hateful e-mails and messages on her phone. I asked her if she really was "In-love" with this guy. She says yes and did not know this side of him. The kick in the ass is that I still have feelings for this women, I really hate myself for feeling that way. I feel the only way to get over somthing like this is to be with someone new. Am I right or is that a rebound thing to do..... This leads to my next problem. I work in the computer field, I went on a service call. When i got there I seen a very nice looking woman working there. I did not get a chance to really talk to her, but i would like to. I do have her cell phone number, but i got it through work. I absolutly do NOT want to use this way of getting her number. I left my business card with her hoping she will call, but i sincerly doubt she will. I don't even know if she is even involved, how can i go about doing all this. It's my first attempt of courting someone after 5 years. Someone please help.

[Deejette]

It is hard to be alone after you have had someone next to you in bed for 5 years. My approach, before I became more mature in my outlook, was to always have a man to go to so I would be distracted from the pain of the failed relationship. But I found I was merely repeating the same patterns that caused the "old" relationship to go south, such as tolerating and excusing bad behavior, not speaking out when things bothered me, etc. So now that I have broken up with my relationship, I am consciously working on not jumping into a new one. It is so easy to feel romance and attraction when you just see the surface and don't really know about all the behavioral skeletons in a person's closet. But when you discover them, the diappointment sets in and causes a backlash of hatred, hurt, etc., that can impel you to yet another escape with another person. So it can go on an on, using up people like kleenex, tossing them aside, just to substitute with a new one.

This may infact be a rebound situation- especially if you already think that the ONLY way you can get over someone is to date someone else. If you go about it responsibly- and keep the other person's feelings in mind- it could very well turn out to be a fun time for both of you. But don't "use" someone just to get your mind off of someone else. If the lady you met doesn't call you- if may just be because you didn't leave her with the impression that you wanted her to. She might have thought it was totally natural for you to leave your card- but for professional reasons only. She may be "old-fashioned" and doesn't believe that the woman should make the first move. She may be thinking about you just as much- and hoping that YOU will call. The point is- you won't ever know unless you make a real attempt to find out. If she is involved with someone- you will have to accept that and move on. If she isn't- and agrees to go out with you- you never know what might be in the cards. Be honest, but not too honest- what I mean is- let her know that you have just come out of a long relationship- still healing- and you are wanting to meet some new friends. (Don't go into the gory details- she doesn't need too much info- you don't want to give the impression that you aren't strong enough to get over it and move on) Good Luck!! Jenna