I hate my former abusers

[Cocobutter]

When i was a kid, somethings took place with my dad that i now KNOW is abuse and its still torments me to this day. There were always times were he went overboard. The reasons why he felt it was right to lash out and strike us (usually me most of the time) we're things he would be arrest for at this present day. One incident that stuck out the most was when my father had me in a room, for some reason, i had done something wrong, or something that just pissed him off. I was 5 years old wearing a yellow onesie and i had already been crying from the amount of "licks" i had been given. I didn't think it could get any worse until i said while crying, "what did i ever do to you". Within one second i was lifted by one foot and hit so hard that i wet myself. After he finished laying into me with his palm, he placed me on my feet and proceeded to yank me back and forth by my collar while screaming in my face.

 

He doesn't remember any of this. I couldn't give a **** if he didn't, people who do **** like that have a tendency to want to forget, because if anyone knew what they did, they wouldn't be able to handle the amount of scrutiny, which is weak.

The reason why i knew he was wrong is because he came back in the room a couple hours later, asked me where it hurt, and when he looked, i heard his reaction. I didn't have to know there were marks on my body, his reaction said it all. Then in that instance, he hugged me and said sorry. The "sorry's" came after every beating...they became routine.

 

In a way i resented my mother as well. I understand that she was in a bind for money, and that sending me back and forth from my dad to her was routine, however, she did not ensure that i was happy. She eventually came to get me, but the situation only subsided for a moment. the last time my dad got physical with me was when i was 15 and the police were almost called by one of my school teachers. (He struck my head on a car door because i refused to kiss him goodbye before school). Again he got away with it, mainly because the faculty members were his old teachers, and they handled the situation "quietly" and as best as they could. I told my dad that if he ever touched me again i would have him arrested.

 

these memories still bring me to tears, and it only opened the flood gates for other realizations that came soon after. The dysfunction i was brought into by my family, being placed back and forth to different places due to the unreadiness of my parents. The lack of any consideration, caring, empathy from my father as he allowed his live in girlfriend to verbally and physically abuse me (i still can't determine whether he actually knew or just didn't care) and exposing me to the sexual abuses of her son (who i believe was a victim himself)

 

I still live with this resentment, and i made a decision that i had to confront him about the incident (that caused me to wet myself) after graduation. I decided that if he doesn't admit to it, than he will never ever be around my children while they are at that vulnerable age, without my supervision. I will not allow my kids to grow up as unhappy I have, and i surely will not allow the abuse to vanish, because i truly believe it made me the person i am today.

 

Is this a good way to move on?

[betterdeal]

Hi cocobutter

 

Realising that it was wrong and harmful, and yeah, feeling angry and hateful about it is, to me, a great step towards conquering the damage abuse does. You are rejecting it - it does not rule you - you rule you.

 

Maybe write letters to your parents and don't send them. Instead, you can re-read the letter(s) a couple of days later and revise and amend them over time as your thoughts and feelings change. When you re-read those letters and think, "yep, that's exactly what I want to say" then consider sending them.

 

Good on you for not accepting abusive behaviour as normal and for deciding you will stop it from being passed on in your family.